1. Wedding Customs

Question 1: Are wedding traditions, rituals, customs and conven­tions, as we know them today, of more or less modern origin?

Answer: By no means! They are among the oldest traditions which have come down to us, in some instances from rituals so ancient that their origin emerges only vaguely from the mists of history. Many of the customs pre-date the Christian era: some are sur­vivals of pagan rites which were blended through the centuries with Jewish and Christian rituals.

Question 2: What is the origin of the marriage ceremony?

Answer: Some form of marriage has existed as far hack in antiquity as history can penetrate and we can be fairly certain that some sort of pairing existed even before recorded history. In its most primitive form, it appears to have been a pairing monogamy, similar to the pairing common among the higher animals.

From the most savage and primitive cultures through our pres­ent-day civilization, a ceremony has marked the union between a man and a woman. Usually the ceremony has been religious in character; among some peoples it was magical; among a few, merely social.

Primitive monogamy branched out into other forms of mar­riage: polygamy—a plurality of wives or of husbands at the same time; polygyny—a plurality of wives or concubines, the mating of one male with several or more females; polyandry—the pos­session by a woman of more than one husband at a time. Devia­tions from monogamy are practiced more frequently by the wealthier classes. A man needs to be wealthy to support more than one wife; indeed in some countries, a man's income is judged by the number of wives and concubines he possesses.

The most common form of marriage has always been monog­amy principally because of the economic factor: a man can sup­port one wife and one home better than several. A monogamous relationship resulted in a stronger family group, and the stronger the family group, the more secure the community.

Question 3: How has choice of mate evolved?

Answer: Primitive selection of a mate seems to have been a matter of free choice with the male as wooer, and the female accepting or rejecting. Among warlike tribes, marriage by capture was common because of social and military honor attached.

Then there developed among ancient tribes a wife-purchase custom. A marriage pact was arranged by the parents of girls and boys on a business deal basis. Property and valuables were ex­changed under the term "bride-price." This custom has survived through the years, and many instances exist even today.

One odd form of courtship combined both elements of cap­ture and purchase. It seems that the bride was actually bargained for and sold, but she was sent away from her father's camp on a swift horse, carrying her dowry with her. She was to ride furi­ously, and the bridegroom to give chase, and if he captured her before dark (as he always did) he might claim her. Or if he ab­ducted his bride before paying for her, the purchase price was supposed to be a fine for his offense. Payment was originally in the form of desirable assets—livestock, for instance, in an agri­cultural community. Later the sealing of the bargain was repre­sented by a gift to the bride in the form of a bracelet, jewel, etc.

The Romans early recognized three forms of marriage. First, the patrician families were accorded a religious form which was solemnized by the Pontifex Maximus in the presence of ten wit­nesses. Among the plebeians, the marriage was in the form of a purchase or rather a mock sale of both parties. The third form was the usus which began among the lower classes, but finally prevailed in all strata of society. Through this form, the woman was given in marriage into the hands of her husband who ac­quired thereby all rights over her person and property. In this form of marriage, however, it was required that the consent of both contracting parties be obtained.

Marriage among the early Teutonic peoples, although at­tested to by ceremonials, was chiefly a form of barter.

A survival of the ancient tribal marriage-by-purchase custom, these marriages were arranged by the parents of the bride and groom upon agreement on terms of payment in the form of money, lands, cattle, jewels, or other valuables. By the 18th and 19th centuries, church weddings were required by Acts of Parlia­ment in England, but in Scotland, informal marriages were still recognized by the law. Thus can many remnants of ancient mar­riage customs be discerned in our customs today: some grooms still ask the parents of his chosen bride for her "hand"; the father still "gives away" the bride; the bride and groom marry each other by their own consent.

Question 4: What is the origin of the members of the bridal party?

Answer: During the marriage-by-capture era, the loyal tribesmen and close friends of the groom within the tribe aided him to in­vade the enemy territory to capture his bride. While he dashed off with her, his friends stayed behind to fend off or fight the bride's outraged relatives. Such were the first ushers and best man.

The maid-of-honor and the bridesmaids, as they are known today, can also be traced back through the centuries to Saxon England. The senior among them would attend the bride for a number of days before the wedding. She was especially responsi­ble for the making of the bridal wreath, the decorations for the wedding feast, and for dressing the bride. Related forerunners of today's bridesmaids were the guards who protected the maiden from capture. Other examples of the use of "bridesmaids" were the ten witnesses required by the Roman marriage ceremony.

The flower girls and ring-bearers of modern weddings are a vestige of the fertility rites practiced by many different peoples. The bride was often accompanied by a little child who was sup­posed to symbolize a fruitful union.

Question 5: What is the origin of the processional?

Answer: This is clearly developed from the ancient and medieval wedding processions. Among the Athenians, the ceremony began with morning offerings to Zeus and Hera, and especially to Ar­temis, who was not, we are told, in favor of marriages. Then, at nightfall, the bride was conducted to the bridegroom's house. She rode in a chariot, drawn by a pair of mules, and was seated on a couch-like arrangement between her husband and one of his close friends. As the bridal procession advanced, it was greeted and joined by friends carrying nuptial torches and sing­ing songs.

In medieval times, the processional was especially colorful. Gaily dressed minstrels sang and piped at the head of the pro­cession. Next came a young man bearing the bride-cup, which was a chalice or vase of silver or silver-gilt, decorated with gilt, rosemary and ribbons. Then the bride walked, attended by two bachelors, and a dozen or so knights and pages. Next came maid­ens carrying bride cake, followed by girls with garlands of wheat. The bridegroom then appeared, led by two maidens, and walked in the midst of his close friends, including his "best man." The relatives walked after him, and these were followed by less intimate friends. Finally, at some distance and appearing to have no concern in the festivities, or ceremony, appeared the bride's father!

Question 6: What is the origin of the engagement and wedding rings?

Answer: As far as can be discovered, the wedding ring originated in the days of the caveman—in a cord of reeds with which the man bound himself to his wife's waist in order to make their spirits one. The Egyptians, it is thought, introduced the first metal fin­ger rings which were probably made of gold. In Egyptian hiero­glyphics a circlet indicated eternity. The 9th century Christians began using the wedding rings which have continued to the present.

There is a legend that the first wedding ring was made of iron and adamant by Tubal-cain for Prometheus. The iron symbolized lastingness, the adamant perfect concord.

The early Romans used iron wedding rings. Among the poorer English, even as late as the 19th century, it was customary to use the ring at the Church keep. And today, when a very poor Irish­man cannot buy a wedding ring, he rents one! The Puritans for­bade rings as they considered their use pagan.

Engagement rings followed much the same pattern through the years as wedding rings. The cave man first plaited grass or rushes around the ankles or wrists of his chosen bride. These were awkward, and were abandoned in favor of strands of grass tied around the finger of the betrothed.

It is said that the earliest allusion to engagement rings in Christian literature is in Tertullian's writings at the end of the second century a.d. The Romans are credited with introducing engagement rings to the ancient Germans and there is reference to them in the law of the Visigoths in 642 a.d.

Even the inscriptions in wedding or engagement rings had their source in former centuries. As far back as 400 B.C., the Greeks had dedications inscribed in their rings, while medieval French suitors were especially fond of the practice.

The ring ceremony of past times was interesting. During the ceremony, the ring was placed upon the open book. The clergy­man then sprinkled it with holy water and blessed it. Then the groom picked it up with the thumb and first two fingers of his right hand and placed it upon the bride's thumb, saying, "In the name of the Father." He then transferred it to the first finger, say­ing, "And of the Son." Next he changed it to the second finger as he said, "And of the Holy Ghost." Finally he placed it upon her third finger with "Amen." It did not seem to matter whether the ring was placed on the bride's right or left hand. Sometimes it was placed on the right at the espousal and on the left at the wedding.

Question 7: Is there any legend concerning kissing as part of the ceremony?

Answer: Indeed yes! There is a story that the custom was for the priest to kiss the groom after the ceremony. The groom then kissed the bride, the priest kissed his assistants, and they kissed the guests!

Question 8: What is the tradition concerning the white bridal gown?

Answer: The beautiful and often elaborate white wedding gown of today is actually the glamorous descendant of a very plain an­cestor. In early Saxon days and through the 18th century, it was the poorer bride who came to her wedding dressed in a plain white robe. This was in the nature of a public statement that she brought nothing with her to her marriage and that therefore her husband was not responsible for her debts. When brides be­gan to use touches of color, the colors were chosen for their sym­bolism as well as for preference. Blue and green were acceptable, the former signifying constancy, the latter youth. Yellow as sig­nifying jealousy and gold, avarice, were not worn. The brides of ancient Israel wore a blue ribbon on the shoulders of their robes to symbolize purity, fidelity and love.

Question 9: What is the origin of the bridal veil?

Answer: The lovely silk illusion veil of today has evolved out of a series of Oriental customs from past ages. Once, in Far Eastern countries, people believed that wicked spirits were especially at­tracted to women. So, as protection from the Evil Eye, women always wore veils. The custom continued although the feeling behind it changed with time into a role of modesty and obedi­ence. From this the veil developed into a symbol of chastity. Then it became accepted as a sign of the submission of women.

The introduction of the veil into Europe came through re­turning Crusaders. In early wedding traditions in Europe, the bride was bargained for through her father, was swathed in a bridal veil, and revealed to her mate after the ceremony!

In early centuries, Hebrew, Greek and Roman brides wore veils of many hues and veils threaded with gold and silver. In Southern Europe, early Christians placed a large cloth over both bride and groom. In Anglo-Saxon times, the bride wore her hair hanging loose as part of the wedding ritual. The Chinese held a sacred umbrella over the bride's head. Around 1500 in Europe, there was a fashionable conical headdress topped with a veil that hung to the toes. Each era has revealed a different style for the bridal veil. Now the bride prefers a transparent one that does not conceal her hair.

Question 10: What is the origin of the trousseau?

Answer: The trousseau can be directly traced back to the barter-price, purchase-price and dowry systems. It was customary for a bride to come to her husband well-provided with a dowry, so that the man might be compensated for his expenses in caring for the children of his wife's lineage. In our present time in this country, it is not thought essential that a bride bring to her husband money or land, but she is usually provided with a good supply of personal clothing, household linen, silver, china, etc., although much of this also comes along as wedding presents.

Question 11: What is the origin of wedding gifts?

Answer: The tradition is also closely related to the bride's dowry. In all societies and in all centuries, the celebrations attending the marriage ceremony included the exchange of gifts, even if only of food. By Saxon and Elizabethan times, it was customary to bestow upon the bride various items of hardware which she car­ried in her belt, such as bodkins, knives, scissors, pinchers, scales, etc. There is record of wedding gift-giving as far back as the Norman Conquest. Among the peasants, gifts were understood to be loans which the couple was expected to return once they were established. As the feudal lord grew in power, he passed laws requiring that all those dependent upon him make generous gifts for his children's marriages. He even arranged for the Church to act as record-keeper for him to insure that no one escaped from "giving" his share.

Question 12: How have we come to associate flowers with a wed­ding?

Answer: Throughout history, most celebrations of weddings, whether pagan or Christian, use flowers in some way. Almost every country has its own traditions and symbolism concerning flowers.

Popular contemporary customs associate the orange blossoms most closely to the wedding ceremony. The wearing of a wreath of orange blossoms as a crown over the bridal veil was a Saracen custom introduced by returning Crusaders. Orange blossoms were so expensive that only the wealthy could afford them and poorer brides resorted to artificial ones. A "kissing knot" of croton leaves and rosemary was hung over the bridal couple in Elizabethan England. In Sweden it was believed necessary to put chives, garlic or rosemary in the bride's bouquet to keep the dwarfs from bothering her on her wedding day! In Poland it was believed that to sprinkle the bride's bouquet with sugar would keep her temper sweet. In Rome, roses and marigolds were used to decorate the bride's home. Here are some of the "meanings" associated with certain flowers:

Apple blossoms or quince blossoms—better things to come

Clematis—love vine

Ivy—good luck

Rosebud—a promise

Myrtle—lover's flower

Laurel—peace

Tulips—infidelity

Yellow flowers of any kind—jealousy

Question 13: What is the tradition concerning the tossing of the bride's bouquet?

Answer: The significance, as everyone knows, is that the one who catches it will be the next to marry! Originally, it was not a bouquet but a garter that was tossed. This custom of tossing the garter originated in 14th century France. However even when the bride left it dangling around her ankle in order to make the snatching easy, she was considerably mauled. For a time a stock­ing was tossed, but its removal was not easy nor graceful. Finally some bride, whose identity has been lost to us, thought of tossing her bouquet and this custom has been followed ever since. Even now, however, some grooms like to follow the old garter tossing custom so that the ushers as well as the bridesmaids may know whom among them will be next to marry.

Question 14: What is the origin of the wedding reception and re­freshments?

Answer: Marriage feasts have been in existence nearly as long as marriage ceremonies. The early Greeks had a feast at the end of the wedding procession when the bride was conducted to her new home at night. Although usually the Greek custom was not to include women at their banquets, they were invited to wed­ding feasts.

Question 15: What is the origin of the wedding cake?

Answer: This was always an important part of any wedding feast. Where or when it first originated cannot be told it is so ancient a custom. Among certain American Indian tribes, and among the Fiji Islanders, a bride offered her husband a cake of meal. The Romans broke a cake made of salted meal over the bride's head as a symbol of abundance. Many peoples of various nations customarily dropped wheat, flour or cake upon the bride's head, then ate these offerings for good luck. The early Britons baked large baskets of small dry crackers for weddings, and every guest took one home—thus the tradition of taking wedding cake home to "dream on." The small cakes gradually increased in size and richness, and, so the story is told, a French chef in London finally had the idea of icing the mass of cakes together—the first English-French wedding cake. During the reign of Charles II in England, the elaborate, highly ornamented wedding cakes as we know them first came into being.

Question 16: What is the origin of throwing rice, old shoes, etc.?

Answer: The rice-throwing is closely related to the wedding cake itself—in fact throwing grain preceded the baking of cakes and the cake developed from that earlier practice. The throwing of grain seemed to involve two symbols, good luck and fertility or abundance.

Among the ancient Assyrians and Jews, when a bargain was made, a man gave his sandal as an indication of good faith. A shoe was the symbol of authority. When the Anglo-Saxons hurled a shoe, it indicated that authority had been transferred. Some authorities believe that the throwing of a shoe can be traced back to the missiles which the bride's father hurled at the robber caveman.

Question 17: How did the seating arrangements at weddings de­velop?

Answer: It is said that the practice of seating the groom's family and friends on the right and the bride's on the left derived from the custom of seating honored guests on the right of the host. On the wedding day, the bride's parents are hosts and the groom's are the honored guests.

Question 18: What is the origin of the bachelor dinner?

Answer: This appears to have had its source in Sparta. A Spartan groom always invited his close friends to a supper on the eve of his wedding. The custom is very old and many believe it orig­inated simultaneously in many different lands.

Question 19: From what tradition did engraved invitations or an­nouncements stem?

Answer: Many centuries ago the monastic schools kept marriage books for royalty. These records were made in the very beauti­ful handwriting of the monks. Later, formal invitations were issued by Royalty in this handwriting, referred to as script. In 1620 copper plate engraving of script writing was first achieved and gradually the custom evolved of engraved rather than hand written invitations to weddings and other formal affairs.

Question 20: What is the origin of the honeymoon?

Answer: In the caveman era, once the man had abducted his bride, he kept her carefully hidden until her father's tribesmen gave up the pursuit and permitted their tempers to cool. Among cer­tain northern European peoples in early centuries, a newly mar­ried couple drank a wine made of mead and honey, known as metheglin, for a month after their marriage. A month was then a "moon," and therefore the month during which the wine was drunk became known as the honey-moon. Among certain peoples, seclusion from the world after the marriage ceremony was definitely part of the marriage rites.

Question 21: What is the source of the well-known rhyme used in weddings?

Answer: The source is not known, actually, but here is the rhyme:

Something old, something new, Something borrowed, something blue, And a silver sixpence in her shoe.

Wedding Anniversaries

Following is the traditional list of wedding anniversaries and the kind of gifts which should be sent:

1st        Paper  
2nd      Cotton 
3rd       Leather
4th       Silk
5th       Wood
6th       Iron
7th       Copper or wool
8th       Bronze or electrical appli­ances
9th       Pottery
10th     Aluminum or Tin
11th     Steel
12th     Linen
13th     Lace
14th     Ivory
15th     Crystal
20th     China
25th     Silver
30th     Pearl or Ivory
35th     Coral or Jade
40th     Ruby or Garnets
45th     Sapphire
50th     Golden
55th     Emerald or Turquoise
60th     Diamond or Gold
75th     Diamond or Gold

The traditional customs have been somewhat revised by popular usage:

4th Fruit and flowers, silk 6th Sugar and candy, iron 8th Bronze or pottery

9th Willow or pottery 12th Silk or linen

The Jewelry Industry Council suggests:

1st        Clocks
2nd      China
3rd       Crystal and glass
4th       Electrical appliances
5th       Silverware
6th       Wood
7th       Desk, pen and pencil sets
8th       Linens, laces
9th       Leather
10th     Diamond jewelry
11th     Fashion jewelry, accessories
12th     Pearls or colored gems
13th     Textiles, furs
14th     Gold jewelry
15th     Watches
16th     Silver hollow ware

1. 17th Furniture
2. 18th Porcelain
3. 19th Bronze
4. 20th Platinum
5. 25th Sterling silver jubilee

30th     Diamond
35th     Jade
40th     Ruby
45th     Sapphire
50th     Golden jubilee
55th     Emerald
60th     Diamond jubilee

Flowers have been assigned to each month. Sometimes brides like to consider these when planning the flowers for the wedding:

January
February
March
April
May
June

Carnation or snowdrop July

Violet or primrose                     August

Jonquil or daffodil                     September

Sweet pea or daisy                   October

Lily of the valley or                   November

hawthorn                      December

Rose or honeysuckle

Larkspur or water lily Poppy or gladiolus Aster or morning glory Calendula or cosmos Chrysanthemum Narcissus or holl

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