2. The Engagement

Most of you who are now planning to marry were born at the time when the barriers of space had already begun to disappear. Only a generation ago young people in small communities and many of the larger cities went to school, grew up, went to parties, and then began to pair off in marriage. Rarely did a girl become engaged to a man her parents had never met, whose parents were unknown to her parents, or whose parents she had not met. Now, with planes and ships and railroads carrying people all over the world at minimum expense, after wars that have impelled young people to move not only from one state to another but from one country to another, the engage­ment is frequent wherein the two sets of parents have not met. And a girl's parents therefore frequently find themselves bewildered: how can they investigate the family background of the young man their child is to marry without appearing like the FBI on an official in­vestigation?

For example: a Pennsylvania girl fell in love with a California boy whom she met aboard a cruise ship. After the couple decided to marry, questions arose with both sets of startled parents as to which mother should write which mother first, and who should travel East or who should travel West.

Or, a girl may fall in love with a foreign-born young man whose family lives in another country. Her parents must consider his coun­try's customs.

It is more complicated now than when Mary Smith who lived on Main Street, U.S.A., fell in love with John Doe who usually lived just down the block.

But good taste, affection for family and friends, and thoughtfulness for others still dictate the good manners which make grace in living the basis of satisfying relationships. The purpose of this book is to help you achieve the beginning of your new life in a happy, harmoni­ous way, to smooth out wrinkles either old or new, and to resolve simply, concretely, and directly whatever questions you may have from the hour you become engaged to the moment you step over the threshold of your new home—with a few suggestions for the future!

Here then are Jane and Henry in situations just like yours.

Question 1: Henry has proposed at last and Jane has said "yes." Out of their wonder and excitement, how do they break the news? Whom do they tell first? What are their first obligations?

Answer: Their first thought, of course, is to tell someone—anyone— to share their happiness. Usually they rush right in together to tell Jane's family. However, Jane may wish to tell her family alone. If she lives away from home, she will have to telephone or write. If she is visiting, she may prefer to wait until she returns home before springing the news.

After they give the good news to Jane's parents or family, Henry will either tell his family alone, or he and Jane will go to them together. If Henry is away from home, he, too, will either write or telephone his family. If Henry is away from Jane's home (perhaps they are both at college, or working or visiting in a different city), he would then telephone or write for her father's approval.

Frequently it is quite natural and easy to discuss their plans for the future with Jane's parents when Henry and Jane first give them the news that they plan to marry. If this discussion is not in detail, or does not occur with the first announcement, then Henry will arrange to talk over their plans with Jane's father or the head of her family at a time mutually convenient. He may do this either informally when he next calls on Jane, or by making an appointment. It is natural to want the blessing and approval of Jane's father and he should be given the courtesy of a discus­sion of Henry's financial standing as well as his prospects for the future. Often both Jane and Henry are working. Even so, good taste as well as natural affection demands that the girl's parents still be given the reassurance of an explanation of their daugh­ter's financial future.

Question 2: What is the first response to the news on the parents' part?

Answer: Jane's mother immediately welcomes her future son-in-law if the young people break the news in person. If Henry is living away from their home, the mother then sends a hand­written note on personal writing paper, graciously welcoming her prospective son-in-law.

Note: Whenever personal notes are mentioned this means a folded, double sheet, white, cream, pale beige or pale grey, never other colors or paper imprinted with flowers, scenes, etc., and always handwritten. For samples of personal notes see supplement.

Question 3: Which set of parents makes the first gesture toward the other set, Jane's or Henry's?

Answer: Henry's parents make the first gesture. They either tele­phone Jane's parents very soon and plan to see them, or enter­tain with a tea, dinner or buffet supper (first telephoning of their plans), or they do both—calling on her family and then entertaining. It is most important that the telephoning and call­ing, or the telephoning and arranging be done at once; other­wise disapproval of their son's choice is signified.

If the families do not live in the same city, a letter (hand­written on personal writing paper) is sent by Henry's mother to Jane, telling of his parents' pleasure at the engagement and of possible plans to be in Jane's town to call upon her family. If this call cannot be made until just before the wedding, Henry's mother should also send a note to Jane's mother which includes an invitation to Jane's parents to visit them if they plan to be in their city. While a trip to a distant city for the purpose of such a visit is not likely, nevertheless extending the invitation is a courteous and gracious gesture, and it is always possible that Jane's parents may consider such a visit important enough to make the trip.

Note: If Henry's parents are not living, his near relatives (sister, aunt, grandmother, etc.) act for him in calling, writing, telephon­ing or entertaining. While the women of the family always take the social initiative, they include the men of the family, either being accompanied by them when calling, or by mentioning them in telephone conversations or in letters.

Question 4: How are other relatives and intimate friends told of the engagement? And what is their response?

Answer: At least a few days before any formal, or informal general announcement is made, Jane and Henry will want to send per­sonal notes (handwritten) or telephone to cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and intimate friends telling of the engagement.

Upon receiving the notes, Henry's nearest relatives, sisters, brothers, aunts, cousins and grandparents usually telephone Jane. They may go to see her or entertain her and her family. When they live in another city, they send personal notes to her to indicate their pleasure that she is to be part of the family.

When Jane's relatives and close friends receive the news, they usually telephone or write her their good wishes {never congrat­ulations). After the formal announcement some of them will wish to entertain in her honor.

Question 5: How does Jane respond to any gestures that Henry's relatives or friends may make?

Answer: She makes prompt acknowledgment 1 She should return all calls made by his family or friends, and answer all notes and letters with absolute promptness.

Note: Except in the official and diplomatic circles the day of formal calling to leave cards is over. The gesture is now made by a handwritten note or a telephone call.

When felicitations have been extended by a telephone call, a return telephone call is not requisite.

If Henry's mother has entertained for her, Jane may send flowers the next day, or simply write a thoughtful note.

When Jane is to be entertained by Henry's family or friends, she shows good judgment by asking the hostess (especially if she does not know her well) in each instance what kind of dress she is to wear. Such a query is flattering to the hostess. Here, as always, good taste demands dressing down rather than dressing up because one is the guest of honor.

Choosing the Engagement Ring

Question 6: When does Henry select the engagement ring?

Answer: He may select a new ring, or he may have an heirloom he feels certain Jane will cherish. He should make certain of the ring size, however, and have a good idea of Jane's taste and preferences.

Customarily the engagement and wedding rings are chosen sometime after the proposal, and Jane goes with Henry to make the selection. Young people today usually discuss frankly how much should be spent for the rings. The wedding ring is men­tioned here because it is often purchased with the engagement ring—"to match." (See Chapter VI on Wedding Plans for dis­cussion of wedding rings, including double-ring ceremony.) If he prefers, Henry may make a preliminary trip to the jeweler and arrange to have only those rings shown which are within his budget when Jane later comes with him.

There are times when a bride desires to give her fiancé an engagement ring. Should she decide to do this, it is important that she think in terms of a ring suitable for a man. It should not be too "light" a type, should possibly be plain gold or a gold seal ring. Birthstones are considered good taste for a man's ring. Unless she is quite sure of his taste and his ring size, she would probably do better to take him along in the selection of the ring.

Question 7: What is appropriate for an engagement ring?

Answer: It may be the traditional diamond, large or small and in any chosen setting, according to Jane's taste and Henry's finan­cial resources. Or, and quite as appropriately, it may be Jane's birth stone, or any gem such as a ruby, an aquamarine, an emerald, an amethyst, a topaz, or a cultured pearl. One stone, large or small, a cluster of small stones, a large stone surrounded by diamonds—the choice is as varied as personal taste and need follow no tradition. There are instances of even costume jewelry being accepted for engagement rings.

Note: Jane may prefer some other piece of jewelry to an engagement ring—especially if a jewelled or rather large wedding ring is chosen.

Question 8: What are important facts to know in selecting a dia­mond?

Answer: Anyone not an expert in precious stones requires trust­worthy professional advice when selecting a gem, especially a diamond. The most satisfactory and economical procedure is to consult a reliable jeweler. Diamonds which appear similar in size and general appearance frequently differ widely in price, a fact puzzling to the novice.

Size alone is not the determining factor in the value of a diamond—color, cut, clarity and carat weight are the standards on which the price of diamonds is based. Further to confuse the inexperienced purchaser, a carat, which is the unit of measuring diamond weight, is divided into 100 points. While it would seem that a half-carat diamond would logically weigh 50 points, in professional practice the weight may vary 6 points or so either way and still be called a half-carat stone. It is important, there­fore, to know the point weight of stones. The best "color" for a diamond to be is as colorless as possible. It is the expertness and skill in cutting—the shaping and arrangement of the facets—that give a diamond its brilliance and sparkle. Clarity means the relative flawlessness—freedom from carbon spots or any internal or surface flaws—of the stone. To gauge the value of a diamond on each of these counts, the stone is examined under a jeweler's glass and, depending upon the scoring of each classification, diamonds of the same carat weight may vary in price from one hundred to three hundred and fifty dollars.

It may be helpful to bear in mind that you get more value for your money when you buy a solitaire (single stone ring) than when you buy a stone set with small side stones.

Question g: What are the birth stones and what are their signifi­cance?

Answer: From ancient times tradition has associated special stones with each month. Some months have come to have more than one stone, but one stone only for each month carries the significant meaning which, in the following table, is marked by*

Birth Stones

January Garnet* or Hyacinth Constancy
February          Amethyst Sincerity
March              Bloodstone* or Aquamarine Courage
April                 Diamond Innocence
May                 Emerald Success in love
June                 Pearl*, Moonstone or Agate     Health and long life
July                  Ruby* or Onyx Contentment
August              Sardonyx*, Peridot, or Carnelian Felicity
September        Sapphire Love
October           Opal* or Tourmaline     Hope
November        Topaz   Fidelity
December        Turquoise* or Lapis Lazuli        Prosperity

In addition to the traditional birthstones assigned to the months of the year, certain stones also are assigned to the days of the week. If the birthstone of the month does not appeal to one, there is a chance that the one for the day may. A currently accepted list follows:

Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday

topaz, diamond pearl, crystal ruby, emerald amethyst, loadstone sapphire, carnelian emerald and cat's-eye turquoise, diamond

Question 10: Once she has decided upon the stone, what does Jane consider in choosing the setting?

Answer: She is careful to decide first upon the kind of wedding ring she will have. She will want the same metal in both. The traditional wedding band is yellow or white gold, but platinum or palladium makes a diamond appear whiter. Then she will consider the contour of her hand, its size, and the shape of her fingers. The jeweler will help her by trying on various kinds of rings. If Jane is small, she will find a small stone in a simple setting becoming, while a larger stone in a more elaborate setting will be more becoming if her hand is larger.

Question 11: Is it customary to mark the engagement ring or present?

Answer: This is entirely a question of personal taste. Frequently the ring or present is engraved on the inside with Jane's and Henry's initials and the date of the engagement.

Question 12: When may Jane wear her engagement ring?

Answer: After the formal announcement is made. This applies also to any present made in place of a ring.

Note: The engagement may be announced, however, without an engagement ring or present.

Note: A widow or divorcee removes her first engagement ring before any public announcement of her second engagement. She wears her second engagement ring following public or formal announcement of her second engagement. Sometimes, she wears her first engagement ring again as an important piece of jewelry on her right hand some time after her second marriage if her new husband has no particular objection or feeling on the matter. It is, of course, unheard of for a lady waiting for a divorce decree to wear a second engagement ring until her first divorce has been established.

Announcing the Engagement

Question 13: Is public announcement of an engagement necessary?

Answer: No, it is optional. But if Jane and Henry want to be sure that everyone interested in them knows of their engagement, her parents make public announcement.

Question 14: How is public announcement made?

Answer: Through the society sections of newspapers—never by engraved or printed announcements.

Question 15: 75 public announcement of an engagement always correct?

Answer: When a wedding is to be a quiet one, if it is to be at the bedside of an ill parent, if it follows a death in the immediate family, no announcement is made except by quietly telling families and friends.

A divorced couple does not usually announce the engagement. However, a very young divorcee who was married only a short time and the circumstances of whose divorce are understood, may properly have her engagement announced by her parents. Engagements are not usually announced by a mature widow, or a mature woman marrying for the first time. However, if either strongly desires a public announcement, it may be made in the "impersonal announcement" form (see Supplement I).

Question 16: When is public announcement of an engagement made?

Answer: Usually from three to four months before the wedding date, although the exact date of the wedding need not be set when the engagement is announced.

It is wise not to make the announcement more than one year in advance of the wedding.

The announcement is usually made no less than six weeks in advance of the wedding.

If Henry is a member of the armed forces, the engagement might properly be announced one week (or even less) before the wedding date, owing to sudden changes of orders, etc.

There are possible circumstances among civilians when an engagement might occur within a few weeks or few days before the wedding, thus the wedding announcement would appear almost immediately after the engagement announcement in the newspapers.

Question 17: By whom is an engagement announced?

Answer: By Jane's parents—never under any circumstances by Henry or any member of his family. Even if Jane's family lives in a distant city or foreign country, even if they have been very ill, or if she has lived away from them for a long time, the public announcement is made in their name. The engagement of a very young divorcee or a very young widow is announced by her parents.

The announcement should never be made by bride or groom personally in a night club or restaurant statement to the press. This is true, also, when an engagement is broken.

The fact that Henry may have been divorced one or more times or is a widower, does not influence the announcement if Jane is being married for the first time. It is announced by her parents in the usual manner.

If Jane has lived away from her parents for a very long time and she has some strong personal reason for wishing the an­nouncement made impersonally rather than in her parents' name, this is acceptable.

If one of the parents is not living, the announcement should be made in the name of the one surviving, if that one has not remarried.

If both parents are not living, the announcement is made by Jane's close relatives or guardian.

Question 18: What is the private announcement of an engagement?

Answer: This is an announcement made at a private party given any time after the father's approval has been granted and the im­mediate families, close relatives, and intimate friends have been told. While the party is not necessarily coordinated with the public newspaper announcement, frequently it is timed to "break" with the newspaper publicity.

Question 19: Is the private announcement at a party necessary?

Answer: No, it is entirely optional. In some of the larger cities it is not customary. Certainly there is no need to consider one if giv­ing it means a financial strain.

Question 20: Are there any circumstances when an engagement party should not be given?

Answer: If the parents of either Jane or Henry are in mourning, an engagement announcement party should not be given.

Question 21: Who gives the engagement announcement party?

Answer: Jane's parents (or close relatives if the parents are not liv­ing) give the party to announce the engagement. Neither Henry nor any member of his family should give it.

Divorcees, mature widows, mature women being married for the first time, may either give their own parties or have them given for them by relatives in their family.

Question 22: How large should an engagement announcement party be?

Answer: The party may be as large or as intimate as desired. Question 23: Who should be invited?

Answer: The parents of both Jane and Henry (unless they live in another city), and all members of both families are included in the invitations. Also it is correct to invite some of Jane's and Henry's young friends as well as some of the parents' friends.

Question 24: What type of party is appropriate?

Answer: Luncheons, teas, cocktail parties, buffet suppers, receptions, dinners, dances—all are appropriate and may be as formal or informal as desired (see Supplement V on menus). At home, hotel, club or restaurant but not at a night club.

Question 25: How is the actual announcement of the engagement made at an engagement party?

Answer: Jane may simply display her new ring as she greets the guests.

Provided the ideas are not overdone, novel gadgets to break the news are permissible.

At more formal or quite large parties, the announcement is made in the receiving line—Jane's mother introduces each guest to Henry's mother saying, perhaps, "Jane's new mother," and Jane introduces Henry to each guest as her fiancé.

At semi-formal or informal parties, Jane's father introduces Henry to everyone he does not know.

At a dinner party, as soon as all the glasses have been filled with whatever beverage is being served, Jane's father or male relative makes the announcement by arising and proposing a toast, "My daughter (niece, granddaughter, etc.), Jane, and her fiance, Henry Boles." This toast is very much in order even if glasses have been raised "to Jane and Henry" at cocktails be­fore dinner.

All except Jane and Henry rise and drink. Then Henry re­sponds with a few words—more if he wishes, although a brief, simple response is entirely correct. For suggestions see Supple­ment II on Toasts.

Question 26: Is an announcement always made at an engagement party?

Answer: It is frequently omitted when the party is given on the same day that the newspapers release the announcement.

Question 27: How should Jane dress for her engagement party?

Answer: She will probably want a special gown and it should be formal, semi-formal or informal according to the kind of party planned. Even though it is her engagement that is being an­nounced and she is the star of the occasion, she should not for this reason over-dress. She should select a gown of good material, well-cut in the latest style (avoiding "high-style"), neither too young nor too old, and depending on line rather than over-trimming in lace or sequins—then she will be assured of the loveliness of simplicity and perfect taste. If the party is in the home, pastels or colors are appropriate and hat and gloves un­necessary (except for a very formal evening reception or dance when gloves are worn). Darker colors, including black, brown, and navy or midnight blue are the better choice if the party is given in a public place. At such parties, hat and gloves are correct to complete the costume.

Note: In selecting her costume for this most important occasion, an engaged girl should remember never to overshadow her own personality or make herself uncomfortable. The good taste she expresses is more important than how much money she spends, while ease, grace and naturalness of manner are always enhanced by simplicity.

Question 28: Who sends the invitations to the engagement an­nouncement party?

Answer: Except when engraved invitations are used, which are in the name of the host and hostess, the invitations are always sent in the name of the hostess alone, even if she is married.

If the host of an engagement party is unmarried, then it is correct to send the invitations in his name only.

Question 29: What type of invitation to an engagement announce­ment party is correct?

Answer: The type of invitation depends upon the kind of party to be given—formal, semi-formal, or informal. While it is per­missible to issue informal invitations to any party, including the most formal one, it is most incorrect to issue a formal invitation to an informal or semi-formal party (for instance never use en­graved invitations for an informal luncheon or buffet supper, etc.).

If only relatives and very intimate friends are to be included in the party, Jane's mother may issue invitations as she pleases. If, however, the party is to include guests who are rather distant acquaintances of Jane's mother, or relatives or friends of Henry's whom Jane's mother has never met, the following methods of invitation should be used explicitly:

A verbal invitation, or handwritten invitation by card (folding or visiting card) for a luncheon, tea, cocktail party or buffet supper.

A handwritten invitation by card (folding or visiting card) for both afternoon and evening informal receptions, an engraved invitation for a formal reception.

A verbal invitation or handwritten invitation by card for an informal or semi-formal dinner, an engraved invitation for a formal dinner.

A verbal invitation for a very small, informal dance, a hand­written invitation by card (folding or visiting card) for an in­formal dance, an engraved invitation for a formal dance.

Note: When verbal invitations have been issued, follow with a re­minder card. In emergencies, invitation for any kind of enter­tainment may be sent by telegraph. Whenever a very large affair is given at which lists have to be checked at the door, it is essential to choose engraved invitations.

Question 30: After the engagement is announced, what recognition do the guests make?

Answer: They congratulate Henry and offer Jane best wishes for her future happiness—never congratulate Jane!

Engagement Presents

Question 31: Are engagement presents customary and acceptable?

Answer: The giving of engagement presents by anyone other than Henry to Jane is not customary and should not be encouraged. It is entirely a matter of personal inclination but certainly the parents and immediate families of Jane and Henry are usually the only ones to give Jane such presents (other than her fiance). If they are given, it should be only at a small, informal engage­ment announcement party where only the immediate families and close relatives are present.

Question 32: If Jane and Henry exchange engagement presents, what is appropriate?

Answer: Since the engagement present from Henry is, traditionally, the engagement ring, any other present he gives Jane—as well as any she gives him—should be selected for sentimental, keep­sake reasons, and their choice governed by the most conventional good taste. Simple jewelry, precious or costume, furs (but never a £ur coat), hand bags, luggage cases, books, are all appropriate for Jane, and she could give Henry, with equal propriety, a cigarette case, ring, etc. But anything remotely classified as wear­ing apparel, intimate or utilitarian, automobiles, furniture, etc., are unreservedly taboo. If engagement gifts are made at all, they should be not too elaborate and not too intimate.

Question 33: How are engagement presents acknowledged?

Answer: Jane must send thank-you notes (hand-written on personal writing paper) to everyone from whom she receives a present (except Henry!). These notes should be mailed right after the present is received, and should be sent even though she has thanked the giver verbally.

The Terms Fiance or Fiancee

Question 34: When Jane and Henry have occasion to speak of the other what form do they use?

Answer: In speaking of each other to friends or relatives, use the first name—"Jane," "Henry;" to strangers say "my fiancee," "my fiancé."

Long Engagements

Question 35: In the case of a long engagement, when Jane and Henry must be separated, is it permissible for each to attend social events?

Answer: Yes, provided they conduct themselves carefully, with strict observance of conventions.

Manners for Engaged Couples

Question 36: Is there any relaxing of conventions for engaged couples?

Answer: An engaged couple observes the same rules of propriety that are socially acceptable for any single man or woman. They do not stay overnight together under one roof unless some older person is also in the house. They may travel un- chaperoned on the same plane, or train, or aboard the same ship, even though the trip is overnight—with separate berths. They would not be likely to travel in an automobile alone on an overnight trip. Good judgment and good taste will guide them correctly.

Engaged couples should watch their manners in public and reserve any demonstration of affection for each other for private moments.

A Broken Engagement

Question 37: What is the correct procedure when an engagement is broken?

Answer: If an announcement has already appeared in the news­papers, a second notice should be sent announcing that the en­gagement has been broken.

Legally, the engagement ring belongs to the bride. Most peo­ple agree that a bride shows better taste to return it and any presents given her by the groom, if the engagement is called off. Should he ask her to keep the ring, she naturally wears it on her right hand from then on or possibly has the setting changed. In the event of a fiancé’s death, an heirloom engagement ring, or any other heirloom should be returned to his mother (or family) unless the girl is specifically asked to keep it. An engagement ring not an heirloom, or other presents from her fiance, need not be returned.

Note: A girl should realize that engagement means "intention to marry" on the part of two people and that when one or the other of the two discovers that he or she can no longer go ahead with this "intention" with a whole heart, there is no disgrace in­volved. It is much better to break an engagement than to pro­ceed with doubt. A broken engagement is easier to heal than a divorce later.

If the Father's Approval Is Refused

Question 38: What is the procedure if Jane's father disapproves of the marriage?

Answer: First, Jane must decide whether she will disregard his wishes and marry anyway. If she decides to marry, the wedding will have to be informal, sponsored by another relative, or by herself. Although quiet, her wedding may still be beautiful, a memory to cherish through her years of married life.

Note: While in an earlier day a father, upon refusing consent to the marriage, might forbid the mother and other members of the immediate family to attend the wedding if his daughter disre­garded his "commands," now the disapproving parents usually attend the wedding, at least.

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