6. Wedding Plans

Even while Jane and Henry are discussing where to spend their honeymoon, assembling their trousseaus and planning their new home, it is none too soon to begin thinking of definite plans for the wedding. As already pointed out, the one thing that must be fully decided upon and completed is the budget. Without specific in­formation on how much she may spend, Jane would find herself work­ing in confusion and uncertainty. But once the budget has been es­tablished, Jane will then want to set about her plans. She must get estimates on every phase of the wedding—ceremony, decorations, music, invitations, reception, wedding clothes, gifts, tips, gratuities. She must decide the kind of wedding she will have—whether formal, semiformal, informal—the kind of reception; and the number of guests at each. Only then will she be able to decide on her wedding clothes. She will find that nothing she can ever undertake will re­quire more careful and accurate planning than the preparations for the wedding. And she will find that if she wants to be sure not to omit a single item, she must put every single thing on paper. She might well compare the wedding—and its planning—to a big-time theatrical production in which she acts as producer, director, stage manager and star, all in one. She needs to know how much she can spend; what the stage scenes and sets will be; how to work with and direct her "cast" to bring out the best in each; what props she re­quires and how to assemble them; what the costuming will be. And not the least important, how she herself may give a radiant perform­ance!

And yet—none of this will prove formidable to Jane if she begins working and planning far enough in advance. And if she gets every item down on paper to check off, item by item, as each is accom­plished. So sharpen all pencils and begin the paper work!

Division of Responsibilities

Question i: What are the main divisions of responsibilities for the wedding?

Answer: Financial and functional. Question 2: Who takes the responsibilities?

Answer: The bride-to-be and her family, the groom-to-be and his family.

Question 3: What are the responsibilities of the bride and her family?

Answer: If the wedding is to have a double ring ceremony, Jane provides the ring for Henry.

Jane's linen, lingerie, clothes and luggage trousseau (see Chap­ter IV on The Trousseau).

Ordering, addressing, stamping and mailing the wedding in­vitations and announcements.

Providing the stationery trousseau.

Planning the color scheme for the ceremony and reception.

Providing the transportation from home to church to re­ception for Jane's family, Henry's parents and the bridal at­tendants (either by hired limousines or borrowed cars).

The wedding ceremony, including the church rental (if any), special equipment needed for the ceremony, organist's, vocalist's or special musicians' and sexton's fees, pew ribbons, aisle runner, canopy, candelabra.

Deciding upon the type of reception, place, hour and menu; catering (food and beverage), wedding cake, announcer, gratui­ties, parking facilities, awnings, canopies, ground coverings.

Arranging with traffic officer to assist with traffic at the church and reception (including his tip); parking service at the recep­tion (amplification system, men to take care of guests' cars).

Wedding clothes—planning and selecting the bridal and bridal attendants' outfits, dresses for both mothers and the bride's father's outfit (he will dress according to the groom's de­cision for what the men will wear).

Flowers—decorations for the ceremony and reception, at­tendants' bouquets; and the selection of the bridal bouquet and the mothers' corsages (for which the groom will pay).

Music at the reception.

Photographs—formal bridal portraits (if desired) and candids.

Newspaper publicity.

Thank-you notes for wedding gifts, and the display of gifts (including insurance during display).

Bridal Registry—china, silver, crystal patterns.

Pre-wedding parties—bridesmaids' luncheon; tea for friends to see gifts and trousseau; bridal dinner (which may be given by the groom's mother).

Accommodations for out-of-town guests.

Gifts to groom and bridal attendants; parents' gift to bride and groom.

Instructions to bridal attendants.

Wedding books—gift listing, and one for guests to sign at the reception.

Listing items for honeymoon; packing and delivering luggage and going away outfit to the place of the reception.

Attend the rehearsal, ceremony and reception.

Question 4: What are the responsibilities of the groom and his family?

Answer: Providing the engagement and wedding ring for Jane.

Henry's clothes and luggage trousseau; deciding upon what attire the men in the wedding will wear; providing his own and his mother's and father's wedding clothes (his father will dress according to the way the other men in the wedding will dress).

The bridal bouquet, going-away corsage, corsages for the two mothers, boutonnieres for the best man, ushers and both fathers (and sometimes the bridesmaids' bouquets).

Accessories for best man, ushers and both fathers—ties, gloves and spats (optional).

Gifts to bride, best man and ushers; groom's parents' gift to bride and groom.

Marriage license (while the bride and groom go together to get the license, the groom pays for it). In some areas it is ac­cepted that the groom pay for the blood tests for the bride as well as for himself.

The clergyman's fee.

Accommodations for out-of-town guests of the groom's family; the best man and ushers and their wives.

The bachelor dinner (this may be given by the best man or be a "dutching" party).

Rehearsal dinner (or the bride's parents may prefer to give this).

Instructions to the best man and the ushers.

Packing and delivering luggage and going away clothes to the dressing room at the reception (or placing the luggage in his automobile if it is to be used).

Attend rehearsal, ceremony and reception.

Make all honeymoon arrangements including transportation from the place of the reception to the honeymoon take-off.

Question 5: What responsibilities have Jane and Henry together?

Answer: In conference with both families, they:

Set the wedding date.

See the clergyman and make definite arrangements with him.

Decide upon the type and hour of the wedding ceremony and the reception.

Decide upon the number of bridal attendants and groomsmen and invite them to participate.

Make up guest lists.

Decide upon musical selections for ceremony and reception.

Arrange seating in church and at reception.

See their family doctors for blood tests, routine check-up, etc.

Get the marriage license (for which the groom pays, see above).

Attend rehearsal dinner, rehearsal, ceremony and reception (naturally!).

Take off for honeymoon.

Send telegram to bride's parents to thank them for the wed­ding.

Question 6: What are the responsibilities of the bridal attendants —the maid or matron-of-honor, bridesmaids and flower girl?

Answer: Upon being invited to participate in the wedding to ac­cept or decline immediately.

Assume financial responsibility for wedding attire selected by the bride, also any traveling expenses to get to the wedding if it is out of town.

All except the flower girl usually entertain the bride with one or more showers.

If there is a bridesmaids' luncheon, all except the flower girl attend.

Give the bride a wedding present.

Attend the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, ceremony and re­ception; follow all instructions carefully.

Question 7: What responsibilities have the best man, ushers, ring-bearer or page boy?

Answer: Upon being invited to participate in the wedding to ac­cept or decline immediately. (Note: it is not acceptable to de­cline except for serious reasons.)

Assume the financial responsibility for the wedding attire selected by the bridegroom, also any traveling expenses to get to the wedding if it is out of town.

If there are any joint-showers given for the bride and bride­groom, all attend except the ring-bearer or page boy.

Give a wedding present.

All except the ring-bearer or page boy attend the bachelor dinner.
Attend the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, ceremony and recep­tion; follow all instructions carefully.

Question 8: What are the general over-all points of timing to con­sider?

Answer: It is assumed that after the engagement is announced, Jane and Henry will have planned their budgets, their trous­seau and given considerable thought to their new home, before they are ready to turn their full attention to their wedding plans —provided they announce their engagement from two years to six months in advance of the time they expect to be married. With less than six months, they can still adhere to the timing suggested in the following plans, but will have to accomplish more faster or leave some out of the trousseau and new home planning until after the marriage.

Note: Very informal weddings do not require, usually, the same amount of time that the more elaborate plans for large wed­dings demand.

Question 9: Are there any helpful suggestions for the bride in wedding planning?

Answer: Above all, remember to work from a list. Take each thing as it comes. To minimize nervous tension, work as far in advance as possible. Rest and eat regularly, but especially during the last week.

Question 10: Are there any helpful suggestions for the groom in wedding planning?

Answer: You and your family follow, without comment, all plans set up by the bride and her family. You owe it to your bride and yourself to try to get some rest the night before the wedding. You will have a happier wedding day if you do, and a much more glorious honeymoon.

Question 11: What are the requirements and customs concerning wedding rings?

Answer: The marriage service requires that the bride have a wed­ding ring. Whether or not the groom has one is entirely a ques­tion of personal taste. The bride and groom may have a single wedding ring ceremony or a double ring ceremony when both the bride and groom are given bands. The groom always pays for the bride's ring and the bride for the groom's.

The bride should go with the groom to select the wedding band. She should try on both narrow and wide bands to see which is the more becoming to her hand. Once her selection is made, she does not see the wedding ring again until her wedding day. After it is marked it is delivered to the groom or to the best man, as directed.

A plain band of either yellow or white gold is the best taste for the bride's wedding ring. Or, another metal of great popularity is platinum—it is heavier than gold and it is white. It is more expensive, and wears extremely well because of its hardness and strength. Or, the bride might want palladium— a white metal, lighter in weight than gold and platinum, but still hard and strong. A diamond band is more like a guard to the engagement ring, and it is not as practical as gold because there is always the chance that diamonds may drop out. Also it is harder to clean.

The wedding band should always be of the same metal as the engagement ring if they are both to be worn on the same hand. Sometimes a bride is married with a plain gold band which afterward she wears most of the time, but has a fancy wedding band to match her engagement ring which she wears as a "set" for dress. Sometimes a bride and groom select her wedding and engagement ring and his wedding ring all to match. In an Orthodox Jewish ceremony, the bride's wedding band is always plain gold—a circlet in one piece—to symbolize everlasting love.

To avoid clicking and rattling, the bride may have her engage­ment setting notched in the back to secure the marriage band.

On the way to the altar, the engagement ring may be worn on the right hand; sometime after the ceremony it is replaced on the left hand, on top of the wedding ring. When the bride is wearing gloves, the engagement ring may be worn inside the glove on the right hand. The ring-finger of the glove on the left hand is customarily split to leave that finger exposed for the ring ceremony. (For Jewish ceremonies—Orthodox or Conservative -—the right index finger of the glove should be split as that is the finger on which the ring is placed by the bridegroom).

Fortunately modern brides no longer feel superstitious about removing their wedding rings occasionally—especially if they are jeweled and need professional cleaning.

The groom's ring usually matches the bride's, but this is entirely a question of personal taste. He may prefer a different band from hers. A man's ring should always be plain, neither too large nor too fragile.

Many more modern men are wearing wedding rings than men of former generations. Also, formerly, it was the custom for men to wear the rings on their right hands. Now it is considered correct for a man to wear his wedding ring on his right or his left hand.

Note: Widow and divorcee wedding and engagement rings: A widow moves her engagement ring to her right hand (or stops wearing it entirely) as soon as she discovers that she is planning to marry again. (She may or may not remove her wedding ring at this time). Shortly before her second engagement is announced, she removes her first wedding ring and her first engagement ring and puts them away. At this time she wears her new engagement ring. After her second marriage, she may again wear her first engagement ring on her right hand as an important piece of jewelry provided her second husband has no feeling one way or the other about the mater. If he does resent her wearing this ring, she is very foolish to persist. Something as seemingly trivial as this can be the beginning of domestic discord in her second marriage.

When a divorcee discontinues wearing both wedding and engagement rings, (or wears only her engagement ring on her right hand), it is a signal to people who know her that she is willing to marry again. Whether she has removed one or both or not at the time she decides to marry again, her course of action in regard to this should follow that described for the widow.

Question 12: How are wedding rings marked?

Answer: The bride's and groom's initials and the wedding date are usually engraved on the inside of the wedding bands. The bride's or groom's initials may be placed first as preferred. If there is space, a sentiment may also be included if desired. If the groom has a ring it is usually marked as well as the bride's. The bride's initials are her Christian name and her maiden surname.

Special Services for Wedding Planning

Question 13: Are there special services available to aid in planning and carrying through a wedding?

Answer: Indeed yes—everyone is all out to help a bride! The fol­lowing services are all valuable: Wedding Counselor—You will be wise to look up a wedding counselor in your community and turn the entire wedding over to her if you have unusual circum­stances to consider for your wedding, such as: if you are a career woman with little time of your own; if your mother is in ill health and unable to assist you; if your mother is not living and your father, while knowing how much money he can spend has neither idea nor time to find out how to spend it to make your wedding right; if you are having a large, formal wedding with much involved; if your wedding will be of social prominence with curious people looking on and much newspaper publicity; if your ceremony and/or your reception is to be held somewhere in which you do not have any of the services listed below at your convenience and so you would have to do the whole thing alone. A wedding counselor charges a substantial fee for her service. But she will assume responsibility for everything, from budgeting at the beginning to putting rose petals into the hands of the guests before the bride and groom take off for their honey­moon. These counselors handle modest weddings as well as lavish ones. Once you have agreed to pay the fee asked for her services, you do not have to scale your wedding any differently from the proportions you would have made for it without her service. With it, you should find that the money you do spend accomplishes more because of her professional help in budgeting and her know-how in recommending tradesmen for each thing needed.

Social secretaries, who address, stuff, stamp and mail wedding invitations and announcements (for a fee) are often employed, especially if the invitation and announcement lists are large.

Bridal consultants: most department stores and specialty shops throughout the country have a service (free of charge if the wed­ding attire is purchased at the store—a gratuity or present how­ever, is often given) whereby they send a bridal consultant or fitter to the bride's home to help her and her attendants dress for the wedding. These consultants are skilled in helping plan color schemes and all matters to do with wedding clothes and trousseau when you go to select them. They are also trained to make the shopping, fittings and delivery painless. They will recommend the best place for the men to rent their dress clothes and will advise on the correct attire for the men in relation to that selected for the bride and her attendants.

The clergyman usually directs the wedding party on procedure at the rehearsal.

Note: At the wedding ceremony, a professional wedding counselor always agrees with the procedure desired by the clergyman, regardless of her own opinions (unless he asks her for any suggestions during the rehearsal). If he does, she will then make known any preferences of position, or seating that the family may have discussed with her.

The sexton of a church is usually on hand the day of the wedding to start everyone off. In a hotel or club the banquet manager does this. He usually does not charge for this service, but a present of cash is usually given. There is a customary fee for a sexton's service. Also the sexton (or the clergyman) can advise on seating arrangements in the church.

In a hotel or club wedding, the banquet manager sometimes takes complete charge of the wedding party from greeting the bride and groom at the door to arranging the receiving line, seating at the bridal and parents' tables, and on through the procedure of the reception until the couple leave for their honey­moon. There is no charge for this, but a generous tip is usually given (by the bride's family). Some caterers have a person who will provide this service when they come to the home to furnish and serve the food and beverage for the reception.

A reputable jeweler or department store will give expert advice on correct wording and forms for invitations, announce­ments and thank-you notes (see Supplement I on notes), selec­tion and marking of engagement and wedding rings, gifts for bridal attendants and groomsmen, display of wedding gifts. Such tradesmen have gift counselors to register china, silver and crys­tal patterns (department stores include linen) to avoid duplica­tions. Some of the shops will send someone to the home to ar­range the display of gifts.

The leader of the orchestra hired for the reception (if a specialist in weddings) will direct the timing of the first dance, the bridegroom's toast, cutting the cake. His fee for the music is the only charge and includes any of these special services.

The head driver of a professional limousine service will direct the seating in the cars, which car should arrive first at the church. The regular fee is the only charge for this service.

The florist will advise on the most suitable bouquets in re­lation to your particular wedding plans, and will suggest color combinations. A good florist will go to the church and place of reception to see the color background, lighting, and will go to the shop to see the kind of wedding gown and bridesmaids' dresses before giving suggestions. A good florist will also be there the day of the wedding to see that the bridal attendants and the bride are carrying their bouquets correctly, and that the mothers' corsages are pinned on properly. There is no charge for this service, but a tip may be given.

A professional photographer, skilled in weddings, will help with the procedure in the receiving line, the best man's toast, the first dance. (There is no charge for this service but a tip may be given).

Note: the bride's mother should be most cautious and decide in advance which of the several professionals is to give the final directions, then ask the others not to interfere. If she has engaged the services of a wedding counselor there will be no confusion as the counselor will inform any other professionals that she her­self will be present to assume full direction over all matters of procedure both at the rehearsal and at the reception.

Note: See Bibliography for books and magazines relating to wedding etiquette.

Travel Agents: everyone is familiar with the services of travel agents today; they give invaluable help without charge to the inquirer or those making reservations. A good travel agent will give a bride and groom much useful information on places to go depending upon their budget, time, personal likes and dis­likes. He will arrange the entire trip, provide schedules, and give brochures which contain advice on the clothing needed and local customs in the places selected.

Types of Ceremonies and Receptions

Question 14: What are the types of weddings and receptions and how does one choose among them?

Answer: The types of weddings may be divided as follows: Formal, semiformal, informal.

Church or temple, chapel, church parlor, pastor's study, home (the bride's or another's), club, hotel, garden, city hall, county clerk's office, shipboard.

There are many special circumstances which govern the kind of wedding or the arrangements for either the wedding or the reception or both. These include: Marriage between those of different religious faiths. Double wedding. Military wedding. Marriage of a young widow; an older widow; a divorcee. First marriage of an older bride. Civil ceremony. Bride of foreign birth. Career bride. Bride whose parents are divorced. Secret marriage: Elopement. A clergyman's wedding. Non-military wedding for military men. Time of year, time of day or evening. Wedding in time of mourning.

Your choice of wedding will be determined largely by your own and the bridegroom's preferences, plus the circumstances of the families, where you live, the time of year when you will be married, your religious faith and your age. By all means be clear-eyed and level-headed when you consider all the circumstances affecting your decision. Then make up your mind and don't change it! Many girls say wistfully, "It was only to be a little wedding. Now look what it has snowballed into!" If you are a girl who hates big weddings or parties where there are many people, do your best to avoid a large, formal wedding—even though your mother's heart is set upon it. Try to thrash out this question of size and kind of wedding before preparations begin. If it has to be a large wedding in order to keep your parents or the bridgegroom's happy, then resign yourself to go through with it without hysteria. On the other hand, if you let everyone understand how you really feel in the beginning, perhaps some­one else will give in. Also before commitments are made, examine the bridegroom's disposition. If he is not the type to go through with all the parties, fuss and rehearsals, slow up before you begin!

Once all concerned have agreed upon the kind of wedding you want to have, then choose the type within your family's means, even if the groom's circumstances are better than yours. While customs differ sometimes among certain European and Oriental peoples now living in this country (see Chapter I Wedding Customs,) in the best American tradition, the bridegroom's family does not under any circumstances pay for the wedding or give the wedding reception. If the groom's family is much wealthier than the bride's, it is suggested that her family plan a most intimate ceremony and a reception for only the immediate families. After the honeymoon is over, the groom's parents can give as large, lavish and expensive a reception as they wish to in­troduce their son and his bride to their friends. And they should, of course, invite her friends, too.

Note: There are some unusual circumstances when the bride is with­out family and is taken to the bridegroom's home following the ceremony for an informal meal with only a few friends before leaving on the honeymoon. Good taste and good judgment must be used on some points where circumstances are unusual.

If there has been a death in the family within the last ten months, do not have a large, formal wedding. However, a semi-formal wedding may be held either in church or at home six months after a death.

For various reasons (see special weddings), some people invite few guests to church and have a large reception afterwards. Others invite many to the church and have an intimate group at the reception. Still others prefer and can afford to invite everyone both to the ceremony and the reception. When the ceremony and reception are held in one place, all guests are usually invited to both.

There may be gradations between informal, semiformal weddings. For instance, a wedding might be a conservative formal, or an important informal, which would modify some of the classifications as listed. This will be explained under "special weddings."

In deciding upon the type of wedding, a bride may remember that the purpose of the ceremony is to exchange marriage vows and to receive the blessing of the chruch in the presence of witnesses. The reception, however, is a time-honored custom whereby friends gather to celebrate with feasting and dancing the new life the bride and groom are beginning. If curtailment is needed somewhere to balance the budget, keep the wedding intimate and go all out for the reception. Think carefully, too, before deciding to do without any reception. Whether formal, semi-formal or informal, all weddings include a ceremony with witnesses (few or many), and a reception (optional) with varying degrees of decoration, music, food and beverage.

Question 15: What are the requirements under the three main categories of weddings?

Formal Weddings

Answer: Requirements for formal wedding—day or evening:

Formal attire for all members of the wedding party (see supple­ment on Dress Charts).

4 to 12 bridal attendants—plus ring bearer and flower girl if desired.

A best man, and one usher for every 50 guests.

Church, hotel, club or garden ceremony, with canopy, carpet, pew ribbons, door man.

Engraved invitations and announcements.

Handsome and lavish flowers for decorations.

One hundred or more guests.

Catered reception at home, in the garden or in a hotel; if outdoors, a lawn marquee.

Music at the reception; probably a band and space for dancing.

Formal receiving line; an announcer for receiving line.

Bridal table and parents' table.

A served sit-down or semi-buffet meal of three courses.

Champagne

Wedding cake (bride's cake).

Groom's cake (dark cake in monogrammed boxes to take home —optional).

Rose petals and rice.

Several clergymen (optional).

For a formal wedding ceremony and reception, the budget must be generous because it will cost money—and there should be reason to invite many people.

Make sure that the church is large enough if there are to be a number of bridal attendants. There must be a large enough place if the reception is to be formal, both to accommodate a large number of guests and to provide ample space for dancing. Formal weddings should be held at the most fashionable time of day.

Semi-Formal Weddings

Semi-formal attire for all members of the wedding party (see dress charts, supplement).

1 to 4 bridal attendants—some may be children; ringbearer, if desired.

One usher for every 50 guests; a best man.

Church, chapel, home, club or hotel or garden ceremony.

Between 75 and 150 guests.

Engraved invitations and announcements.

The ceremony may be scheduled for any time of day or eve­ning that is convenient.

Music for the reception—friends or professional musicians, or record player. Dancing or not as desired.

Aisle-canvas, pew ribbons, door man; canopy may be omitted.

Home, club, hotel or garden reception, usually catered.

A light menu as for high tea or cocktail party with cake and ices, either served or buffet.

Champagne, wine punch or champagne cup.

Wedding cake (bride's).

Groom's cake (optional).

Rose petals and rice.

Informal Weddings

Requirements for informal wedding—day or evening.

Informal attire for all members of the wedding party (see dress charts, supplement).

One or two bridal attendants—or honor attendant and 2 children.

Best man, one usher for every 50 guests.

Church, chapel, home, club, hotel, garden, church parlor, City Hall, County Clerk's office, shipboard ceremony.

The ceremony may be held at any time convenient.

Between 50 and 75 guests.

Handwritten invitations; engraved announcements.

Modest flower arrangements; aisle canvas and canopies are omitted.

Reception or not as desired—in church following the cere­mony, at home, partially catered or done with private help.

Music or not as desired—record player, accordion, piano, violin. Dancing if desired and there is space.

Tea or cocktail food or simply wedding cake and beverage to toast the bride (any beverage except tea, coffee or water). These may be served in addition to another beverage, but are not served to toast the bride.

Note: In all instances, formal, semiformal, or informal, transporta­tion should be provided by the bride's parents, either profes­sionally or in friends' cars. Candid pictures will be desired, either professional or pictures taken by a friend with a camera. A rehearsal for the wedding is held. There is a receiving line for the reception with the exception of a very small wedding at home, but even then the bride and groom stand together to receive salutations from the guests, the two mothers hover near the door to greet the guests as they come in, and both fathers circulate among the guests.

Church Weddings

Question 16: What are the requirements for a church wedding (when the word "church" is used, it includes all faiths)?

Answer: A formal, semi-formal or informal wedding may be held in church, and this is, of course, the ideal place for a wedding ceremony.

Most brides are married by their own clergyman in the church they attend regularly.

A bride may be married in her fiance's church by his clergy­man. Whether in the bride's or the groom's church, a visiting clergyman may assist in the ceremony if it is desired that a family friend or relative who is a clergyman be part of the wedding. Arrangements for this inclusion must be made well in advance with the clergyman of the church in which the ceremony is to be held.

It is possible to be married in a church you do not know and by a clergyman who does not know you. To do this, you must see the clergyman to make arrangements well in advance of the wedding date. He will want to learn to know you and your fiance. If you are not a member of a church, there very likely will be a fee for church rental. If none is required it would be only courtesy to make a cash contribution, to the extent that you can afford. This is, of course, in addition to the clergyman's fee which is paid by the groom.

Every church has certain restrictions and regulations accord­ing to the requirements of its faith. These will be explained to you by the clergyman. (Some require baptismal certificates from the bride or groom or both. Some will not marry persons who have been divorced.)

Civil certificates, blood tests (in most states) and marriage li­cense are required.

Every church has certain times of day for weddings.

If a bride's or groom's family and friends are too far away for very many to attend the wedding, this need not influence the de­cision to have a church wedding. The ushers will seat on both sides of the church the friends of the family that do live in the city instead of the bride's friends on the left and the groom's friends on the right as usual.

If a bride wants a church wedding and does not have reason to invite enough guests to fill both sides of a big church, and yet has too many on the guest list for the chapel, the rear pews may be filled with flowers, arranged by a clever florist (this is expen­sive, however). The lights in the front of the church can be turned on and those in the rear turned off to focus interest toward the front and make the church appear smaller.

If you want to invite a great many people to your wedding ceremony and you belong to a small church, be sure to consider whether you will have enough room in the church.

Chapel, Church Parlor, Pastor's Study, Rectory Weddings

Question 17: What are the requirements for weddings in a chapel, church parlor, pastor's study or a rectory?

Answer: For semiformal and informal weddings, a small chapel is an ideal setting; one may have a small reception following the ceremony.

The usual reason for a wedding in a rectory is that a Roman Catholic is marrying a Protestant. A rectory wedding is always informal. That a wedding of this kind be held in the rectory is a regional ruling—some such marriages may take place before the sanctuary rail in the church, or at home. Such a wedding is fre­quently followed by a large reception.

A church parlor or a pastor's study are used only for very in­formal wedding ceremonies. A reception seldom follows.

Home Weddings

Question 18: What are the customs in connection with a home wed­ding—either the bride's home or in another's?

A home wedding may be formal, semiformal or informal, day or evening, any time of the year.

A home wedding has deep and tender significance. Many people prefer to take the step of matrimony from familiar surroundings. A beautiful house with a portrait staircase makes a dramatically beautiful setting. On the other hand, a small house or an apartment from one to three rooms can be a charming background.

All guests are included in both the ceremony and the reception.

A home wedding may be arranged as expensively as desired, but it is also true that a charming wedding at home can be most economical.

It is perfectly correct for a bride to accept a friend's generous offer to use her home for the wedding (from anyone except the bridegroom's family). Or she may be married at the home of an aunt or a grandmother. When the wedding is at the home of a relative or a friend, the bride's parents pay all expenses, in­cluding generous tips to any of the friend's servants who help with the wedding and reception. Bride and parents express gratitude for this generosity in every possible way. The bride's family issue the invitations (see Supplement on Invitations and Announcements).

The bride should consider whether a home wedding will cause her parents to feel obliged to paint and redecorate, or buy new furniture. This might prove needlessly expensive.

She should also consider whether there is plenty of space to include everyone she will want to invite.

Sometimes the wedding is held in the new home of the bridal couple—if circumstances are such that the couple have as an alternative the City Hall. While this is not fashionably nor traditionally correct, it is certainly not wrong provided some member of the bride's family is present to act as hostess.

The ceremony may be held in the church and the reception at home.

In planning rooms for the women to dress in for a home wedding and reception, be sure to reserve one room for the private use of the father of the bride. With caterers taking over the kitchen, florist and tent man the downstairs rooms and the garden, professional dressmakers and representatives from beauty salons popping in and out of the upstairs' rooms, there is need for one room to be marked "Father—Private" where he can retreat from it all for a breather.

The bother of transportation can thus be eliminated from home to church to reception. However, obligation still remains for the bride's family to furnish transportation for the groom's family.

Some feel that a wedding in the home or garden is mandatory for those of different faiths; that weddings in hotels should be avoided if possible and that a registry office scarely permits a real wedding. This seems a bit old fashioned. The ceremony can be held in many places suitably for those of different faiths and the reception at home—or both at a hotel (see Marriage between those of different faiths).

Any religious ceremony in a hotel, house or garden will lack some of the formality and perhaps solemnity of a church ceremony.

When planning a home wedding, be sure to consult the clergy­man first to be certain that he is willing to perform the ceremony outside the church.

A home wedding with 50 guests or more will probably require the services of a professional caterer; otherwise, outside hired help or family servants, or the help of neighbors and friends will suffice—in which case the bride's family must buy the food and beverage and plan to rent equipment needed (see wedding reception). If a caterer is engaged he may supply the food, in­cluding the wedding cake, and beverage with all china, linens, glassware, silver, ash trays, punch bowls, serving trays for either a full meal or cocktail food, as desired, and also include a chef, waiters, bar-men, announcer, door-man, maître d'hôtel. Or if preferred, will simply supply orders of food without any service or equipment. He can also supply carpeting, awnings, marquee and music. All this may cost as much per person as a hotel charges, but it is considered well worth the expense by some people in exchange for the convenience offered.

Garden Weddings

Question 19: What should be considered in connection with a garden wedding?

Answer: A garden wedding is suitable for formal, semiformal or informal weddings. It may be held at any time of day or evening, in late spring, all summer or early fall, or in southern climates or the tropics all year around (except in those localities where there is a rainy season).

A garden wedding is picturesque—with a home atmosphere.

All of the points discussed under "home weddings" apply to "garden weddings."

One primary advantage of a garden wedding is that it will accommodate a large crowd out o£ doors in warm weather.

The small lawn, the little garden, or a big country estate all offer possibilities.

A private apartment roof garden in a big city may be an interesting setting, or a hotel roof garden.

Special arrangements will have to be provided in case the weather turns bad on the day of the wedding (see section on awnings and marquee).

If you have a garden of which you are very proud, or if you have only a nice lawn but love to be outdoors, consider having a "garden wedding."

There is always a chance that because of a cold spring or a recent storm garden flowers may not be as profuse or as lovely as expected. But a florist can replant and decorate or repair damage very well.

Hotel or Club Weddings

Question 20: What are the points to keep in mind when considering a hotel or club wedding?

Answer: They are suitable for formal, semiformal or informal wed­dings at any time of day or evening.

They are especially good for people who have no close church affiliation, or who have chosen a day or a season when the church is not available; or if the church rules forbid a particular mar­riage.

They are convenient for people who like to have the ceremony and reception in one place and who for one reason or another do not wish a home wedding. It is possible however to have the ceremony elsewhere and the reception at a hotel or club.

If both the ceremony and the reception are held in a hotel or club, all guests are usually invited to both.

A club or hotel wedding may be more expensive than a home wedding but some people consider the difference well worth while because of the services offered. There is no doubt that the services and equipment available make a club or hotel wedding more convenient and hence easier. It is also possible to invite more people to a club or hotel than some churches or homes can accommodate.

The hotel services offered for a wedding include:

A background of flowers for the ceremony.

Organist or other musician (s)

Desired seating

Reception, whether the ceremony has taken place at the hotel

or elsewhere, and includes:

Flowers—photography

Refreshments—full meal, buffet, or any kind of meal or food and any and all kinds of beverages

Music

Place cards—if a sit-down meal

Cake, and a decorated knife to cut it

Rooms for bride and groom to change—also rooms for the bridal party and men in the wedding to dress before the ceremony; also provides space to hang up wedding clothes delivered by shops before the wedding

Paper rose petals for guests to throw as bride and groom depart

Ordinarily no rent is charged for the ceremony and reception rooms used; sometimes there is a rental charge for the dressing rooms used.

There is a charge for flowers, food and beverage, music, pho­tography, cake and tips.

Because of the professional nature of the services of the ban­quet manager in charge and the people serving, a hotel wedding nearly always "goes smoothly."

A private club may or may not have the equipment and cater­ing service available for a wedding ceremony or a ceremony and reception. Part or all of it may have to be brought in by the bride's family. Some people consider the exclusive, private at­mosphere worth any extra inconvenience.

Civil Ceremonies

Question 21: What are the considerations for weddings performed in the City Hall, the County Clerk's office, by a Justice of the Peace, in the Registrar's office or a Judge's chambers?

Answer: These are always informal weddings where the bride and groom understandably wish to slip off and evade all fuss. Often, in these cases, the bride wears a suit, or a simple, street length dress. Certainly a wedding dress would be entirely out of place. She does not carry a bouquet but wears a corsage. She does not wear gloves during the ceremony but leaves them with her handbag until the conclusion. The groom should wear a conservative dark business suit. He does not necessarily wear a boutonniere. If friends of the bride and groom (one each) ac­company them as witnesses, they should dress in a similar way to the bride and groom.

There are some special requirements o£ certain faiths whereby a bride and groom have a civil ceremony followed at a later date by a church ceremony.

A civil ceremony can be very inexpensive and requires a minimum of time and preparation.

The ceremonies can be charming. Many Justices o£ the Peace have arranged attractive settings. An air o£ dignity is lent by a Judge's chambers.

Many civil authorities follow much of the wording and pace of a church service. However, the bride is not "given away."

Usually the places for such ceremonies are not large, so the number of people witnessing must be very few.

Unless the civil ceremony is performed by a high-ranking official such as a mayor, governor or Judge (such officials occa­sionally perform the service as a special favor to the bride, groom or one of the families) a fee is given. In some instances the fee is set (if not, it is usual to give from $10 to $25) and it is placed in a sealed white envelope. The groom's best man gives this to the officiating officer before the service. If the groom does not have a best man he himself gives the envelope to the official before the service or, if the fee is set, after.

A fee is never offered to a high-ranking friend who performs the service. Usually, however, a gift is sent after the ceremony— but good taste should here be the guide. Anything from a box of excellent cigars, champagne, choice brandy, a case of Scotch or a fine pipe would be appropriate, or any handsome gift the groom can afford. The bride usually sends a thank-you note.

A reception as such does not follow a civil ceremony but it is entirely correct and quite customary to have a luncheon, dinner or cocktail party. The official who performed the service is not invited if he is a stranger. If he is a friend of either family, he is, although he may decline if he is not a close friend.

Shipboard Weddings

Question 22: What are the points to know concerning shipboard weddings?

Answer: Some of the steamship lines are encouraging weddings aboard ship before the couple sail away on their honeymoon (some of this encouragement is for publicity purposes, we believe!).

A small, informal wedding in the chapel of a ship, followed by a cocktail reception in one of the lounges might be fun and something different. The reception would be like a going away party and a wedding reception combined, with all the guests offering traditional salutations to the bride and groom, then offering "Bon Voyage" and disembarking before the ship sails. Or, the wedding ceremony might be held in a church chapel and the reception aboard ship before the couple sail.

Arrangements can be made with the ship's officers for catering for the reception, including music, flowers, cake and photogra­phy. There is a question whether the ship can sell liquor while in harbor. This can be brought aboard by the bride's family and served by the stewards.

A clergyman known to the bride or groom may be permitted aboard to perform the ceremony or may not. The ship may have rules in regard to its chaplain or captain performing such cere­monies.

Receptions in Temples or Church Basements

Question 23: What about receptions in temples or church base-ments?

Answer: A great many temples have accommodations available for a fully catered wedding reception on the premises following the ceremony (Jewish faith). Services and equipment are compa­rable to that offered by hotels. Alcoholic beverages may be served. Some churches (Protestant and Catholic faiths) permit a wed­ding reception in the church parlor, or recreation room or base­ment. Food, beverages and service must be provided by the bride's family. Equipment, or some part o£ it, is usually avail­able. Alcoholic beverages are seldom permitted on the church premises.

Marriage Between Those of Differing Faiths

Question 24: When those of different faiths, especially a Roman Catholic and a Protestant marry, what are the procedures?

Answer: The Roman Catholic informs his or her parish priest and discusses the marriage with him as early as possible.

A special dispensation must be obtained from the Roman Catholic church for permission to marry (that is if the marriage of the Roman Catholic is to be recognized by the church au­thorities).

If the non-Catholic can prove he or she is a baptised Christian, the dispensation is granted more readily.

The non-Catholic receives special instructions—approximately a dozen lessons—before the marriage and must make three spe­cific promises: (1) That all children of the marriage will be reared in the Roman Catholic church; (2) That the non-Catholic will not interfere in any way with the Roman Catholic's religion; (3) That only the Roman Catholic ceremony will be performed.

The ceremony may not take place in the sanctuary of the church, but (in some regions) may be held before the sanctuary rail. It may also be held in the rectory and, with very special dispensation, in the bride's home, or elsewhere.

No matter where the ceremony is conducted, to be recognized by the Roman Catholic church, a priest of that church must officiate.

A nuptial mass cannot be said.

Question 25: In such cases are the wedding ceremony and recep­tion restricted in size?

Answer: If the wedding ceremony is to be held in church (and most of them are now), the wedding guest list for the ceremony may be as large as the bride's family desires and the church will ac­commodate.

If the ceremony is to be performed in the rectory, the wedding is usually small, primarily because of limited space and the bride and groom usually prefer to limit the guests at the ceremony to relatives and very close friends. Decorations may be as elaborate as space permits but usually there is no music. Occa­sionally a bride and groom may choose to have a prie-dieu, if they wish to kneel, but kneeling is not necessary in the Roman Catho­lic ceremony.

The reception may be held anywhere and may be as large and as elaborate as the bride may wish.

Question 26: Are there any restrictions about the bride's wedding gown?

Answer: No, she may wear the traditional gown and in any style she prefers. If the space for the ceremony is small, it is better taste to choose a waltz, intermission or floor length gown with, at most, a chapel sweep rather than a gown with a long train. While the long train would not be incorrect, it might be incon­venient and seem out of place.

Question 27: What about attendants?

Answer: For a church ceremony, the number of attendants is not limited.

For a rectory ceremony, the bride and groom have but one attendant each. If the bridal party is larger, it does not partici­pate until reaching the place of the reception.

Question 28: If a church refuses to recognize a couple's right to marry, what is the procedure?

Answer: A civil ceremony only is performed. This is the case when (1) Either the bride or the groom has been divorced and one of them is a member of the Roman Catholic, the Anglican or cer­tain Episcopal churches in the United States. In this event the performance of a second marriage is seldom accepted by the church. (2) The non-Catholic member of a Roman Catholic-Protestant couple refuses to subscribe to the stipulations made by the church authority. (3) A Gentile and a Jew marry. (There are exceptions.)

Question 29: Are both a religious and a civil ceremony ever per­formed?

Answer: Frequently when Americans marry in a foreign country, and in some religious sects in any country.

Elopements and Secret Marriages

Question 30: What are the usual reasons for an elopement?

Answer: Parents disapprove of the marriage.

Sometimes a bride and groom in the social limelight cannot face the big wedding they are expected to have. So, they an­nounce their engagement, receive the blessings of relatives and friends—then go off and get married. Only the day is a surprise, not the announcement of the elopement.

A bride and groom with a wide circle o£ friends and means for only a small wedding, elope to avoid cutting down on their guest list.

If he bride's family has social position and very little money, the couple might announce their engagement and then elope.

A bride or groom might want to spare parents who are not well—or who might object to the marriage on religious grounds.

The father o£ the bride may give her the choice of a big wed­ding or the same sum o£ money if she will elope. We have no facts on how often this offer is made seriously, or if made seri­ously, how often it is accepted.

Perhaps not strictly an elopement, but of that nature would be the case of a couple who have no parents or close relatives. They are usually married by a civil authority or in a pastor's study and may ask the officiating officer or the pastor to provide witnesses. There is no need for them to tell their friends o£ their plans if they do not wish to.

Question 31: After an elopement, how is the event announced?

Answer: The bride should first tell her parents before she or the groom tell anyone else.

Formal announcements are sometimes omitted after an elope­ment, but are usually sent. They are issued in the name of the bride's parents unless the parents are so opposed to the marriage that they do not wish to sponsor it. In this event, the couple may send out the announcements themselves. The announcements give the place of marriage (name of the city or town), the date and the year. If a civil ceremony has been performed, the place of the ceremony is not named. If the marriage was in a church, the name of the church may be stated or not as desired.

If she prefers, the bride's mother may send informal, hand­written notes to close friends and relatives instead of formal, engraved announcements.

Even when the marriage has been kept secret for several months, announcements may still be sent giving the true date and place of marriage.

Note: "At Home" cards are enclosed with the formal announce­ments usually if the young couple are living out of town and friends would not otherwise know where they are. The standard line "after such-and-such date" is omitted.

Question 32: Is newspaper announcement of the marriage made after an elopement?

Answer: Newspaper announcement of the wedding may be made provided the engagement was previously announced.

Question 33: What is the practice concerning wedding gifts after an elopement?

Answer: When a couple elopes, they should not expect wedding gifts as gifts are not obligatory from friends when wedding in­vitations have not been issued, even though formal announce­ments have been sent. Nevertheless, some relatives and friends will send gifts after the announcements have been received. If the elopment should be the second or third marriage for either the bride or the groom, gifts are certainly not expected although here again some will be sent. The bride will, of course, as in any wedding circumstances, send thank you notes for each gift.

Question 34: Is it correct for friends to entertain the couple after an announcement has been made of a secret marriage?

Answer: Yes, friends may entertain if they wish.

Weddings When Parents Are Divorced

Question 35: How should a wedding be planned when either the bride's parents or the groom's parents, or both, are divorced or separated?

Answer: Plans have to be made to fit each specific case. In general the following customs are observed:

Most authorities agree that it is taboo for divorced parents to sponsor the wedding together. According to best etiquette, a daughter's wedding must be given by her mother. Invitations to the ceremony are issued in her name alone. Invitations to the reception are also issued in her name alone unless she has re­married, when they must be sponsored by "Mr. and Mrs." (her second husband's name). When the bride's mother has re­married, it is possible to issue invitations to both Church and reception in the name of "Mr. and Mrs. (her second husband's name)," but this is rare. When parents are divorced and the bride's mother is giving the wedding and reception, the bride's father usually meets her at her mother's residence and drives to church with her. He usually "gives her" in marriage. If the mother and father should not be on speaking terms, the father does not afterwards attend the reception. If they are on speaking terms, he does.

If a bride has made her home with her father, in the case of divorced parents, he may then sponsor her wedding, even though her mother is still living. Invitations to church are issued in the name of the bride's father, but reception invitations must be issued by father and stepmother when he has remarried. It is possible for invitations to both ceremony and reception to be issued in the name of bride's father and stepmother, but rare. One version holds that when the bride's father is sponsoring the wedding, if he has remarried, his second wife does not attend the ceremony and his first wife does not attend the reception. We would qualify this according to the relationship that exists between the divorced parents.

When the divorced parents are on agreeable terms with each other, even if one or both parents have remarried, both parents and all the stepparents attend both the wedding and the re­ception. If the relations are bad, her father may do no more than "give her away" during the ceremony; his second wife may not attend. Or, if her father is sponsoring the wedding, her own mother might conceivably attend the ceremony with or without her second husband if she has remarried but not the reception.

Kindness, good judgment and good taste will help devise the best methods in given circumstances when the relations between divorced parents are bad. If the bride is equally close to her mother and father, and her mother sponsors the ceremony, it is possible to arrange two receptions, one given by her mother for her relatives and friends and one by her father for his. Bride and groom and attendants appear at first one and then the other.

As far as seating is concerned, it is agreed that it is considered bad taste to seat divorced parents together even if they have re­mained on friendly terms. During the ceremony, the bride's own mother sits in the first pew left side with her second husband if she has remarried. Another alternative would be that her second husband should not be seated with her, but should have a place further back in the church (provided he attends the wedding). Should he not be seated with her, she should have another mem­ber of the family there—she is not supposed to sit alone. We believe that individual circumstances will govern the decision. After her own father gives her away, he sits in one of the pews behind his ex-wife. And again, it is a matter of personal opinion whether his second wife, if he has remarried, should be there with him.

If the bridegroom's parents are divorced, his mother, together with anyone she would like to have with her, should be given the first pew on the bridegroom's side of the church; his father and others of his family should be seated in the third pew behind.

Divorced parents of a bridegroom may both attend a large reception.

If a groom's own mother is divorced and is receiving with the bride's mother at the reception, and the groom's own father and stepmother attend, they should greet the bride's mother while an adult member of the bride's family (by previous ar­rangement) engages the groom's mother in conversation, then the father and stepmother should swing around these two and greet the bride and groom, then receive their own friends in an­other part of the room. This sounds complicated, but it can be carried off gracefully!

In the case of separated but not divorced parents, a traditional form of invitation is issued if both are still living. However, I ad­vised one mother of a bride to follow this practice with unfortu­nate results. All the people who received invitations called up to learn when and how the parents had gone back together again! It was embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone concerned. Therefore I suggest that the mother and father issue the invita­tions as follows:

Mrs. Sidney Howard Smith

And

Mr. Sidney Howard Smith

request the honor of your presence

instead o£

Mr. and Mrs. Sidney Howard Smith

Both parents' names should be mentioned as long as both are living but not divorced.

When parents are separated but not divorced, they may take their accustomed part in the ceremony as though there were no difference, and both officiate at the reception. However, this might be confusing to the guests. An alternative might be for the bride's father to give her away, and afterwards take a place on the left side of the church in a pew behind her mother. Her father may surely attend the reception even though he may prefer not to stand in the receiving line.

Clergyman's Wedding—or his son or daughter

Question 36: Are there special procedures if a clergyman, his son, or his daughter marry?

Answer: Yes, there are deviations from the usual procedure. The following points should be kept in mind:

When the groom is a clergyman, the wedding is still held in the bride's church.

If the bride's church is also that of the groom-clergyman's, the officiating clergyman is someone of their own faith, usually of higher rank than the groom's.

The time of a clergyman's wedding is usually set before noon; except for those of Jewish faith, Sundays are avoided; and those of Jewish faith avoid their Sabbath.

When clerical collars are customary to his faith, the groom wears them, but not vestments.

If the wedding should be set for the late afternoon or eve­ning, he may wear the usual formal wedding attire suitable for the time and season, either with or without his clerical collar, ac­cording to his denominational customs.

If his marriage is to be held in his own church, a clergyman usually announces it from the pulpit and invites the church members to attend the wedding; he should also send engraved invitations to all church members.

If a clergyman has not yet been assigned his own church, he may be married in any church by a religious ceremony (though customarily, as before mentioned, in the bride's church).

If a clergyman and his bride-to-be have decided for any reason to be married in his church and the bride has come from a distance to a small community for the wedding, and if she were unaccompanied by her own relatives, the members of her husband's congregation might give the reception for her.

It has been said that a clergyman father performing the mar­riage for his daughter cannot give her away—but I have seen it done. At Central Presbyterian Church in New York City, Dr. Theodore Cuyler Speers, Senior Minister, gave his daughter in marriage. The bridegroom's father, also a clergyman, came out with the groom and best man, waited at the top of the Chancel steps to open the ceremony. After giving his daughter away (wearing formal day wedding clothes—morning coat, striped trousers, wing collar and striped tie), Dr. Speers ascended the Chancel steps, went out of the Chancel to the left of the altar and, while the guests and participants in the wedding waited, put on his vestments, then returned and proceeded with the ceremony. It was smoothly done and a beautiful ceremony to witness. However, if the bride is not given away by her clergy­man father because he is performing the ceremony, usually an­other close male relative does this. Or this male relative may escort her to the groom's side and then step into a pew on the left side of the church while her mother steps forward to give her away. Or, the wedding of a clergyman's daughter may be handled still differently. At the wedding of the daughter of the Rev. Dr. and Mrs. Edwin O. Kennedy, (Dr. Kennedy is the Secretary of Union Theological Seminary at Broadway and 120th St., New York City) in May in the Chapel of Union Semi­nary, Dr. Kennedy, who handled the whole service by himself, came down the aisle, dressed in his academic gown and hood, with his daughter on his arm. When he reached the head of the Chapel aisle, Dr. Kennedy gave his daughter to the groom, con­tinued on up the steps into the Chancel, turned around and opened the service.

The reception for a clergyman's daughter is expected to be limited to close friends, associates and the families of the bride and groom. Dr. and Mrs. Speers, however, invited all church members by engraved invitation to the ceremony and a reception in the church parlors at which they served punch and cookies. There was a receiving line, best man's toast, music and some dancing. Afterwards, the immediate family adjourned to a din­ner in the manse where the wedding cake was cut.

When the son of a clergyman marries, the father usually as­sists the clergyman of the bride's church in the ceremony. This father's congregation is not usually invited as a whole, espe­cially if the bride's church is some distance away.

A Bride of Foreign Birth

Question 37: Are there any special procedures when an American man marries a young woman of foreign birth?

Answer: There are a number of acceptable deviations from tradi­tion in this case. Following are the usual customs:

When an American man (including a service man) marries a girl of foreign birth in her own country, he follows the customs of that country. If the ceremony is held in the United States and her parents are with her to sponsor the wedding, he follows any of their national customs that they can and wish to carry out.

If the bride of foreign birth is to be married in this country without any of her family or friends here to sponsor the mar­riage, an impersonal announcement of the engagement is made (see Chapter II on The Engagement).

If the bride has the means to pay for her wedding attire, cere­mony and reception (usually a small one) she may do so, quite properly. If she has not the means, this is one of the exceptions to tradition—the bridegroom's family may sponsor and pay for the entire wedding and reception, if they wish to.

Engraved invitations (impersonal) or handwritten ones may be sent, usually the latter. Engraved announcements in the name of her parents might be sent after the ceremony. Those sent to her family and friends should be worded according to the custom of her own country.

The wedding may be an enlarged semiformal one if desired, and the bride given in marriage by a male relative of the groom.

If the bride has not yet learned English, she might be more comfortable if the wedding reception is small, simple and with few guests.

Note: Showers and pre-wedding entertainment might be in better taste if withheld until after the marriage when the bride will feel more at ease to appear in public with her husband.

Also, if the bride has but a limited command of English, the groom's mother or sisters might help her with the thank you notes.

Under the foregoing circumstances, the feminine members of the groom's family would certainly help the bride to select her wedding attire and trousseau.

Also, in these circumstances, the wedding would probably be planned according to American customs, unless there were some custom of her own country that meant a great deal to her which could be included during the ceremony or reception.

If both bride and groom of foreign background met in another country or over here and are now here without family or close friends from their own countries, they may sponsor their own wedding. Such a wedding would natually be a most informal one, with guests consisting of friends from work or church or neigh­bors. The bride and groom in this case might even share ex­penses of the wedding. However, they should order engraved announcements and send them to all of their friends and rela­tives in their own countries.

Note: Even though they have an informal wedding, unless they simply go through a civil ceremony or are married in a pastor's study, they may certainly have a processional for the ceremony with a mutual male friend to give the bride away. And they may have a wedding cake and champagne and such food as they would like and can afford. And the bride may throw her bou­quet before she goes away.

Career Bride—Girls in College

Question 38: Are there any special procedures for the many girls who make all preparations for their weddings while holding jobs which they intend to keep after a two-week vacation honey­moon?

Answer: Not so many special procedures but special planning in order to accomplish what needs to be done. The following points should be kept in mind:

These girls need more time to get everything done than the girls who are not working.

They need to work more carefully from a masterplan.

They must make every shopping hour count; they should take advantage of all services provided by department stores. They should first go on the nights the stores are open for pre­liminary screening of types and prices. When they have dis­covered in a particular store the types which interest them, they should telephone for a Saturday appointment in order to avoid waiting. They should go provided with lists of the minimum re­quirements for their trousseaus. Some stores provide "shoppers" who will assemble all the various items needed in one place to facilitate the selection, or will take the customer to the different departments, which saves much time. There are Home Planning consultants who will see one by appointment and be of much service in selecting items for the home.

Some find it expedient to omit pre-wedding parties—brides­maids' luncheon, rehearsal dinner. However, these are all part of getting married and it would seem a shame to miss them. If showers are given far in advance of the last hectic pre-wedding days, and if other evening parties are kept to a minimum, it seems that a young bride could have the traditional parties that go along with being married for the first time. Anyway, many career girls are certainly having all the usual showers and parties and not getting over-tired.

When the members of the office staff where the bride or groom works contribute to a wedding present (and the card reads "From the Audit Dept." for instance) the bride sends a thank you note to the group or groups. This is all that etiquette demands, but it is certainly an admirable and thoughtful gesture if the bride can take the time to send a note to each individual concerned as well. If she does not do this certainly a verbal thank you must be given to each one. However, if the card is signed by each in­dividual member, the bride should send a little thank-you note to each person.

Individual wedding invitations, either engraved or hand­written, must always be sent, never a general invitation to the staff How many staff members or which ones are invited to the church or the reception, or both, is entirely up to the wishes of the bride and groom. Usually the immediate superiors (and their husbands or wives) of both the bride and groom are invited to both the ceremony and the reception.

When presents are received from the boss and his wife (of either the bride or groom or both), the thank you note is sent by the bride to the wife, as in all cases, even though she may never have met her.

Like the career girl, the girl whose engagement is announced while she is still in school or college and who will be married immediately upon graduation (or even while still attending school) needs more time to carry out plans for her wedding than the girl at leisure. If her school is distant from her home she should realize that a year is by no means too long a time in which to do her shopping and assemble her trousseau, using, as she must, her holidays for this purpose.

A working time schedule for the ordering and fitting of the wedding clothes might well show that her bridal gown and veil are to be ordered in June for a wedding set for June a year ahead. The first fitting could be in September before she returns to school. During the Christmas holidays she could have the second fitting and order the bridesmaids' gowns. During the Easter holidays she could have her final fitting, the bridesmaids could have their fittings, and the photographs could be made. Then in June, all the wedding attire could be delivered in time for the wedding.

In general, the girl in college should take advantage of all possible time-saving services offered by the shops, just as the girl who works must do.

The Older Bride (28-50-or more)

Question 39: What are the procedures for the older bride marrying for the first time?

Answer: Good taste naturally demands a more restrained wedding but one that can be none the less charming because of its sim­plicity and dignity. Here are the usual customs:

A church ceremony is entirely correct although not an elabo­rate one. Often a chapel wedding, without processional or re­cessional, or even a civil ceremony is preferred by a woman 35 or more. It is entirely correct for children to be the attendants.

A mature bride is not usually given away but she may be i£ she wishes.

It is quite customary for the older bride to be escorted to the church by a male relative or close male family friend, or to go with the groom and best man and her own attendant.

It is entirely correct for the older bride to wait in the vestry with the groom, the best man and the maid (or matron) of honor for the clergyman, and then to be escorted by the best man to her place for the ceremony while the groom escorts the maid of honor. If he prefers to follow the usual procedure of walking down the aisle she may—especially if she is to be given away.

Her choice of gown should be conservative. It should not be one that by its youthfulness of style will emphasize her age or, perhaps, the maturity of her figure. She should also consider when she chooses her own gown how one in corresponding style will appear on her attendants (who, of course, should not be too many). If she and her attendants are youthful-looking for their years, she may certainly wear a bridal gown (no train) if she wishes, and a short veil. White, pale blue, soft ashes of roses, champagne are all appropriate colors and the style of the wed­ding gown, like her other clothes, should be sophisticated. She may decide, after considering everything, that soft, full-length dinner gowns will be more suitable for herself and her attend­ants. She and the attendants may carry small bouquets, if she wishes, but she will probably not want to throw hers at the reception. And of course she would be entirely correct to decide upon an informal wedding and to wear a dressy afternoon dress or her going away suit, with a corsage instead of a bouquet. Often people of the best taste "dress down" a wedding when a bride is 30 or more.

Usually the pre-wedding entertainment takes the form of luncheons or dinner parties (given by friends) rather than showers. A bridesmaids' luncheon or a rehearsal dinner is not usually held.

While the reception may be large, it should not be lavish, and a smaller, more informal reception is perhaps more fre­quent. It may be held appropriately in the same places as the receptions for younger brides, or in the bride's own apartment as well.

Double Weddings

Question 40: When are "Double Weddings" held?

Answer: When the brides are sisters, cousins or close friends (al­though some denominations require that the brides be re­lated), or occasionally when a brother and a sister have become engaged during the same period and decide they would like their weddings at the same time. Whenever a double wedding is held, the couples have their wedding reception together.

When considering a double wedding, one should be certain that there is enough space to accommodate the large wedding group at the altar.

Question 41: What are the procedures for a double wedding?

Answer: Like those for any wedding. There are some special points to keep in mind:

The weddings may be formal, semiformal or informal.

At a formal double wedding each bride and groom usually have separate attendants. They should have the same number.

Sisters may have the same attendants, but each usually has her own honor attendant. However, brides may act as maid and matron of honor for each other.

The grooms may each have a best man or act as best man for each other, as they prefer.

The brides do not need to dress alike.

The costumes of the brides' attendants should harmonize al­though they need not be identical.

Both grooms, both best men, both fathers and all ushers (for both groups) should be dressed alike.

Entertaining at pre-wedding parties may be for both brides jointly or separately. Sisters will very likely be entertained at the same time, although they may be guest of honor at different times. Friends will probably be invited to the same parties.

For the procedure in the processional, the ceremony, and re­cessional see Chapter VI.

For invitations and announcements, see Supplement 3.

For seating in church (2 sets of parents) and reception, see this chapter.

For receiving line formation, see Chapter VII.

Second Marriage

Question 42: What are the procedures when a wedding ceremony will not be for a first marriage?

Answer: There are many weddings today which fall under this heading, such as a wedding that is a second marriage for both the bride and groom; second for the bride, but the first for the groom; second for the groom but first for the bride; for a young widow; for an older widow; for a divorcee. In most cases the procedures are somewhat different from those for a first marriage and the following customs are usually observed:

There is no change in the regular procedure or wedding plans when the bride has not been married previously even though the groom has.

When a widow marries a second time she should not have a formal wedding, nor a large one, nor should she have a large re­ception. Simplicity should be the keynote. If she is very young, she may properly have a semiformal or informal wedding, spon­sored by her parents. Whatever her age, the ceremony is in the best taste if it is held in a small church or chapel or at home. A few flowers or leaves should be the only decoration and there should be no ribboned-off seats. Only the families and very in­timate friends are invited. The reception should correspond to the ceremony—the simplest of afternoon teas would be ap­propriate, or a family dinner. The wedding cake is usually iced with pastel frosting rather than white. Whatever the nature of the reception it is properly held in the bride's own home unless she is a very young widow when it may be held in her parents' home. If in her own home, she and the groom may remain there, having the guests leave, or they themselves may leave for their wedding trip while the guests are still on hand.

An older widow might prefer a civil ceremony, followed by a small reception.

A widow, sponsoring her own wedding, should have but one attendant (with a best man for the groom). If the bride has a daughter, it is entirely appropriate for her to act as her mother's only attendant. The bride need not be "given away" although she may if she wishes, and especially if she is a very young widow. Usually there is no need for ushers but if the number of guests at the ceremony require ushers there should be no more than one or two.

Sometimes a widow will want to invite members of her first husband's family to her wedding. There is no point of etiquette involved here—her decision should be guided by the feeling her new husband or his family have about her former husband.

It is considered improper for a widow to wear a bridal veil, orange blossoms or a myrtle wreath (all emblems of virginity.) She should never wear a wedding gown nor a gown with a train, and white only if she is very young. Usually a widow wears an afternoon dress, long or short, or a traveling costume. She wears a hat or a flower arrangement for a headdress, depending upon her costume. She chooses her costume to be appropriate for the type of wedding she has planned and the time of day it is to be held. She wears a corsage instead of carrying a bouquet. (Al­though the latter is not incorrect.)

If either the bride or groom has been divorced, it may be that the officiating clergyman will not wish the ceremony performed in the church. Usually in such cases the ceremony is held in the bride's own home. Frequently a divorcee has a civil ceremony where no one is present except herself, the groom, one witness each, and the officiating officer. A small reception then follows usually in her own home.

The same rules of simplicity in ceremony, dress and reception as for a widow are followed for the wedding of a divorcee.

In the past, children did not attend the second wedding of their parents, especially in the cases of divorce. Now the decision depends on the child's wishes. Many still feel that the children of divorced parents should not attend the second weddings, yet children of divorced parents, from the best cultural backgrounds and the highest social positions, are seen at their parent's wed­dings. Many act as their mothers' attendants.

In the case of a Roman Catholic marrying a divorced person there must be very special dispensation. This should be discussed by the Roman Catholic with his parish priest.

While second wedding ceremonies are simpler than for a first marriage, they are none the less reverent. And while the receptions also are not elaborate, they are none the less gay and joyous.

Gifts should not be expected for a second wedding although friends and relatives frequently do send them again.

See Supplement III on Invitations and Announcements concerning all forms of second marriages.

Weddings in Time of Mourning

Question 43: What are the customs if a wedding takes place during a time of mourning?

Answer: The following customs are usually observed.

If it is the sudden death of a member of the immediate family and it is possible to recall the invitations and postpone the wed­ding, this is done. If the postponement is impossible, the wedding is held as quietly as can be arranged. (See Supplement III for the recall of wedding invitations.)

Mourning in many cases does not necessitate postponement nor does it prevent a church wedding. If the death occurs to one close in the family, the wedding is usually a small, quiet church or home ceremony, followed by a reception for only the im­mediate families. If the death is sudden and there is not time to change plans, the wedding usually proceeds as scheduled, even if it is a large, formal one. If the death is of one whose relation­ship is distant, or family tie not close, no change in plans is called for.

Even near relatives of the deceased do not wear black at a wedding. They may wear violet if they wish.

A bridesmaid in mourning may, with propriety wear her planned costume.

The sudden death of a bridesmaid does not require a postpone­ment or change in wedding plans. The vacancy may be filled or not, as the bride wishes.

Note: If a bride or groom is taken ill, the wedding is, of course, postponed.

Hour, Season and Day for Weddings

Question 44: At what hours are weddings customarily held?

Answer: Certain localities consider times of day fashionable for weddings. But a ceremony and reception may actually be set for any hour the bride wishes. We have observed the following:

In the Northeast and East, the most formal hours are 4:00, 4:30, 5:00 o'clock in the afternoon, with a definite trend toward 5:30, 6:00 and 7:00 in the evening—especially in the summer with daylight saving time.

In the South, Northwest, West and Midwest the most formal hours are 8:00, 8:30 or 9:00 o'clock at night.

Catholic Nuptial Masses are from 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 o'clock in the afternoon. After that, the ceremony is not followed by the celebration of Nuptial Mass. A Roman Catholic wedding does not usually take place after 7:00 in the evening except in unusual circumstances.

A wedding at high noon or half-after 12 o'clock is considered fashionable in some communities for an Episcopal Church wed­ding—the high noon service implies a Communion service.

Formal Jewish weddings may be scheduled for 10:00 on Saturday night or for Sunday afternoon or evening.

For a formal wedding, a fashionable time of day is customarily chosen.

Semiformal or informal weddings may be held at any time of day convenient.

In choosing the time of day for her wedding, a bride-to-be should consider the kind of food she would like to serve at the reception. An early afternoon wedding reception may require only cocktail food. A substantial buffet if not a sit-down meal is required by a 10:00 a.m. reception, a high noon reception or a late afternoon reception. An evening reception (presumably after dinner for most people) may not need more than champagne and wedding cake, although a buffet is more usual (see Wedding Receptions).

Question 45: Are there any special customs concerning the months of the year in which weddings are held?

Answer: Weddings may be held in any month of the year although Roman Catholics are not usually married during Lent.

If the bride and groom are working people, vacation dates frequently govern the selection of the wedding date. If they are both in school, after graduation or between semesters would be logical times.

June used to be the most popular month for weddings, but now September seems to have as many as June. Holiday seasons are popular—Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.

One of the old superstitions was that May would be an un­lucky month for marriage. That notion is now obsolete and May is a very popular month for weddings.

Question 46: Are there any conventions concerning the days of the week on which one may have a wedding?

Answer: Depending upon the circumstances, one may choose any day of the week, even for a fashionable wedding. Usually fashionable Christian weddings are on Saturday and fashionable Jewish wed­dings on Sunday—each avoiding the Sabbath of their own faith. The Jewish religion states that marriage ceremonies may not be performed from Friday sundown through Saturday sundown. Some formal Jewish weddings may be scheduled for Saturday night at 9:00 or 10:00 o'clock. Jewish people are not usually married on certain high holy days. Similarly, Christians are not usually married during Lent in a church or large home wed­ding. However, informal marriages, with or without a clergy­man, do take place regardless of holy days or holy seasons.

At one time there was a superstition that Friday was an un­lucky day on which to marry. Like the superstition concerning May, this is no longer believed. It is now a popular day—one of the reasons being, perhaps, that so many ships sail on Saturday.

We recently heard of an ultra-fashionable wedding, between two members of socially prominent families which was held on a Monday in June. The bride was too late in her planning to book the country club for the week-end, and the clergyman she wished to perform the ceremony had to perform another ceremony in another city on that special week-end. Therefore the ceremony and reception were held on Monday.

Sometimes a couple will select the wedding anniversary date of the parents of either the bride or the groom.

In choosing the day of the week (and the hour, too) for her wedding, a bride should consider the convenience of guests she has invited.

Note: Among continental peoples living in this country there is a custom when a Catholic Mass is to be part of the ceremony, to have the ceremony before noon, then schedule the reception which includes a sit-down dinner for the late afternoon. The bride, groom, bridal attendants, parents, and close relatives and friends usually go for a simple meal immediately after the cere­mony to the home of the parents of either the bride or the groom. All other guests go to their own homes. Then everyone comes back for the formal reception later.

Conferences with Clergyman, Sexton, Organist and Soloist

Question 47: What points should be discussed with the clergyman in advance of the wedding?

Answer: It is most important to have an advance conference with the clergyman. Remember that it is his church in which you wish to be married—if you have any ideas about the way you want the ceremony conducted, be sure to ask him before you go too far in the planning as his wishes customarily prevail. The following points should be on your list for discussion with him:

Be sure you check on his title and address him correctly.

Before you go to see him, you should telephone him first for an appointment—the bride telephones if it is her clergyman who is to perform the ceremony, the groom if it is his. (Be on time for the appointment and dress as you would if you were attend­ing church.)

Unless you are both members of the church, he will perhaps need and ask you for baptismal and /or confirmation certificates. He may also need a letter from the clergyman of the church of which one of you is a member, if of another church.

He will give you spiritual advice on marriage and discuss with you the responsibilities of marriage from the point of view of the church.

If you and your fiance are of different faiths, your clergyman will know whether special instructions are required.

If you wish special musical numbers or if you are considering an outside organist, choir or soloist, the clergyman is the one to ask for permission or concerning the regulations of his church.

He will tell you his preferences of the order of the processional and the recessional, and the arrangement of everyone at the altar. His preferences are to be followed. Some clergymen do not have such preferences. If yours is one of them, then you may make the arrangements as you wish.

You should check his preferences concerning the bridal cos­tume—are there any requirements concerning décolletage, long or short sleeves, headdresses, colors of flowers.

How may the church be decorated? Is there special equipment which must be used, certain kinds of containers, etc.?

May photographers take pictures during the ceremony? What about the use of flash bulbs?

Ask him (or the sexton) if the aisle canvas, pew ribbons, and canopy should be rented from the church or should you rent them from some other source. Learn too, whether the church can supply a door man, or if you should engage one from some other source.

If you would like to have an outside clergyman assist with the service—possibly a friend or relative of your own or the groom's—you naturally discuss this with your own clergyman. Any correspondence required with the visiting clergyman is handled by you with letters from your fiance to the visiting clergyman if needed. And incidentally, both clergymen will receive a fee. (Any traveling expenses and hotel accommodations for the visiting clergyman are paid by the bride's or groom's family, depending on which is the nearer to him in relationship.)

If it should happen that you ask your clergyman to permit an­other clergyman to come into his church to perform your cere­mony without assistance, you will be prepared with a fee for each. The groom always pays these fees. If the bride's or groom's father or brother happens to be the clergyman, no fee is given, but a donation is made in his name to the church or to some charity he indicates.

Be sure to ask whether there are any local customs to be con­sidered.

The bride and groom should visit the clergyman together. If they are Catholics, they will have to have arrangements for banns to be proclaimed three successive Sundays or holy days before the marriage in their own parish churches. If the priest who is to marry them does not know them, they will be asked for their baptismal certificates and a letter from their own parishes stat­ing that there is nothing to prohibit their marriage. If one is a Roman Catholic and one is not, a certain dispensation must be obtained and the non-Catholic will have to undergo special in­structions.

If either the bride or the groom or both have been divorced there may be some complications in some of the Protestant churches. They will not be able to be married by a priest if one is Catholic and one is not, and the non-Catholic has been di­vorced.

There are times when the marriage is to be held somewhere other than in a church, and the bride and groom are very well acquainted with the clergyman. In such circumstances, the bride's mother may telephone or go to see the clergyman to make arrangements for the hour, the day and the place when and where they would like to have him officiate.

Question 48: What does one discuss with the sexton of the church?

Answer: The following points should be covered with him:

First, get his name, address and telephone number—you may need this information.

Confer with him on whether an aisle canvas may be used, and if so whether the church has one to rent or if it should be rented from the florist.

If you want the chapel bells during the service, discuss the arrangements with him.

If you want a candlelight service, discuss the fire laws and regulations.

Will you need a canopy or carpet?

Is a prayer bench used in the service? If so, does the church provide it or must it be rented from the florist?

Does the church supply candelabra and tapers or must they be rented from the florist?

Does the service require that people stand during the cere­mony?

Question 49: What about the conference with the organist?

Answer: Make an appointment to see him in order to discuss the music for the ceremony. Everyone has his own taste in music and while his may be the best, it may differ from yours. Check to see that he will attend the rehearsal.

Question 50: What about the soloist or choir?

Answer: You should arrange to see the soloist and choir (if you are having one or both) about the same time that you see the or­ganist.

The Marriage License

Question 51: Does everyone have to have a marriage license?

Answer: Yes. It is a law in every state that you must have a license before you marry.

Question 52: How is the license obtained?

Answer: This must be issued in the state in which the marriage is to be consummated (you do not need a license from the state in which you live if you are to be married in another state).

The bride and groom go together to obtain the license.

Marriage licenses are obtained from the local Marriage Li­cense Bureau. In larger cities, this bureau is in the city clerk's office, in smaller communities in the town clerk's office. Follow­ing are the essentials in connection with obtaining the license:

Both the bride and the groom must have with them medical reports on their blood tests. The blood tests are required by most states. From the time the test is made, it will be valid for a period of about thirty days in most places. Usually it takes a few days to get the reports on the tests. Therefore you must be careful in timing—the tests cannot be made either too early, or too close to the wedding date.

Most states have minimum age laws before people can marry without consent of parents or legal guardians. If either of you happens to look under the age requirement, therefore, be sure to take your birth certificates with you in order to avoid delay. If you are under age, according to the laws of the state, you will need the written permission for your marriage from your par­ents or legal guardians.

In the case of divorce (either bride or groom, or both), the marriage license bureaus of most states will require presentation of the divorce papers. Also, you may have to apply for your license, in this event, in the same county as well as in the same state in which you are to be married.

If either or both are alien-born but have become citizens of this country, you must have proof of your citizenship with you.

If either or both are citizens of other countries, you must have proof of your identity, age, and citizenship. Your passports, in most cases, are sufficient.

Question 53: What is the fee for the marriage license?

Answer: From nothing in Puerto Rico to 4o¢ in the Virgin Islands to f 6 in Kentucky.

Members of the Wedding Party

Note: For general outline of responsibilities, see the beginning of this chapter. For information on costume and outfits, see "Wed­ding Clothes" in this chapter. For more details on rehearsal, ceremony and reception, see Chapter VII.

Question 54: Who are bridal attendants?

Answer: Matron or Matrons of Honor, Maid or Maids of Honor, Bridesmaids, Junior Bridesmaids, Maiden-of-honor, Flower Girl or Girls, Page Boys.

Question 55: What is the basis of choosing these attendants, and what are their duties?

Answer: Maid and/or Matron-of-Honor: A bride must have at least one honor attendant as witness and to sign the marriage license. There are some states in which witnesses are not required for the ceremony although the clergyman usually requests the pres­ence of at least two others in addition to the bride and groom. She may choose as her honor attendant her own sister, the groom's sister, or her own best friend. She may have two honor attendants, one maid and one matron, or both maids or both matrons. In large weddings there have sometimes been two maids-of-honor and two matrons-of-honor. This is certainly most unusual. Still another authority says that except at a very large wedding it is unusual to have both a maid and a matron-of-honor unless a bride has two sisters to honor or two equally close friends.

The bride makes her own choice of honor attendant or at­tendants and she, not her mother, issues the invitation. Usually a bride's oldest unmarried sister is the first choice for honor at­tendant unless there is a great difference in ages (either older or younger) between her and the bride. If this is so, and the bride has a married sister closer in age and feeling, she will probably invite her; or if all her sisters are married, she may have one or two for honor attendants. If she has only one matron of honor, she may, if she wishes, invite a close friend, a cousin or a sister-in-law to be an honor attendant. (She need not invite the groom's sister to be maid or matron of honor unless she is also a close friend.) It is not really suitable to have an unmarried maid-of-honor if all the bridesmaids happen to be young matrons, but this is done when the bride's sister is unmarried. For a large formal wedding, the honor attendant is usually near the bride's own age. For other than a very formal wedding, the bride's sis­ter who might be considerably older than she, or her mother might act as honor attendant. The matron-of-honor may be a widow but preferably not a divorcee.

The honor attendant is one of the busiest members of a bridal party. She is expected to attend all prenuptial parties. She fre­quently helps address invitations and announcements. She may be asked by the bride or her mother to work with a list in making important, last-minute telephone calls to various tradesmen, and in the case of a home reception checking on china, silver, linen. Sometimes she lays out the bride's wedding lingerie, hangs up her wedding gown and veil and checks to see if they need press­ing. She oversees the preparation of the bride's going-away clothes and makes sure that they are taken to the place of re­ception. She might also help with the listing of wedding gifts and their display. If the ceremony is also at home she is respon­sible for meeting the clergyman upon his arrival, showing him where to robe, and to help him in any way. She checks on the bridesmaids to see that they are all on hand when they should be, that they are costumed correctly, completely and identically. She knows where the last-minute supplies of needles, thread, safety pins, combs, hairpins, or powder, may be found.

One honor attendant is selected to assist the bride at the altar. The other does not have any special duties but stands immedi­ately next to the assisting honor attendant. In the processional, the one who is to attend the bride at the altar walks immediately in front of the bride and her father (unless there is a flower girl), either alone or with the other honor attendant. If the two are not paired off, the other honor attendant walks just behind the last of the bridesmaids and just in front of the officiating honor attendant. The one who assists the bride at the altar carries the groom's ring (if it is a double ring ceremony), holds the bride's bouquet during the ceremony (usually passes her own over to the other honor attendant or, if there isn't another one, to a bridesmaid), moves up to the altar with the bride and groom and best man for the marriage vows and blessing, and helps the bride turn back the blushing veil. If the bride and groom plan to kiss at the altar, the maid-of-honor waits until they have done this and have turned to face the guests. She then hands the bride her bouquet and, if there is a long train on the bridal gown, bends down and pulls it out of the way so that the bride and groom may begin the recessional. She next takes back her own bouquet if she has previously handed it to the other honor attendant or a bridesmaid, and follows the bride and groom down the aisle, either alone, or with the other honor attendant, if there is one, or with the best man, according to the way the recessional has been planned. One or both of the honor attendants never walk with a bridesmaid either in the processional or the recessional.

At the reception, the honor attendant stands in the receiving line on the groom's left (the bride is always on his right), and she is seated at his left at the bridal table. She dances with the groom, best man and ushers. After the bride has thrown her bouquet, the honor attendant goes with her to help her in changing to the going-away costume. Her final duty is to have the wedding gown and accessories returned from the reception place to the bride's home (or picked up by the cleaner the next day for heirloom process, according to instruction by the bride's mother).

Bridesmaids: The bride, not her mother, invites the brides­maids to participate in the wedding. Any wedding from the most formal to the most informal may be planned correctly without bridesmaids—only a maid or matron of honor is essential (as witness). The number of bridesmaids should be determined by the formality of the wedding planned (see types of weddings). They should be limited to relatives or very close friends. It is not considered good form to invite someone who is not a close friend to be a bridesmaid simply to enlarge a wedding party or to even up numbers. If the bride is having more than one at­tendant and the groom has a sister or sisters near her own age, she should invite them to be bridesmaids. The bride need not feel an obligation toward the groom's cousins or other relatives. And if she wants to limit the size of her wedding party and has sisters of her own, she may certainly include her own sisters in preference to his.

Occasionally a bride will ask the groom's sister to be a brides­maid; if he has no sister, his cousin; if no cousin, a close friend and this one is called the groom's bridesmaid.

Usually bridesmaids are near the bride's own age although they may be young matrons or widows (divorcees are not neces­sarily ruled out but are avoided). However if one of the bride's best friends happens to be more mature than her other friends, it is quite permissible to include her as a bridesmaid. It is, of course, unfortunate if a bride's near relatives, best friends and the groom's sister or relatives whom she feels she wants to in­vite to be bridesmaids are in a wide range of sizes and shapes be­cause of the difficulty in outfitting them in the same style of dress. But the bride must remember that her wedding party should include those close to her and that she selects her at­tendants on the basis of affection, regardless of size or shape. She is not, after all, organizing a chorus girls' parade.

Note: Members of the wedding party need not belong to the same church (or to any church) as the bride.

When the bridesmaids accept the invitation to be in the wedding, they must understand that they are expected to pay for their individual outfits which are selected, customarily, by the bride and her mother. Whether the bridesmaids personally like the style or the color of the chosen dress is beside the point. It is not at all compulsory to accept an invitation to be a brides­maid—it is entirely good form to decline. Today, because so many girls are working and buying their own clothes, there has arisen the notion that they are supposed to go in groups for the selection of the bridesmaids' dresses and "vote" on the selection. This is a grueling experience for everyone concerned. Only a miracle will induce several or more females to say sincerely that they all like one dress. Therefore, either some of the brides­maids must be diplomatic enough to give in to stronger minded ones, or there are tears and hard feelings. The bride and her mother can't possibly plan a harmonious wedding with several people of the opinion that it is their "right" to indicate per­sonal tastes in styles and colors. The bridesmaid who finds a par­ticular dress so repellent that she couldn't consider wearing it, shows better taste to think of some excuse to drop out of the wedding than to express her distaste for the outfit chosen and thereby upset the bride's plans and cause her unhappiness. Often the bride and her mother will select two possible styles and then ask the honor attendant and the bridesmaids who are available to try them on in order to see which is more becoming to the majority.

Bridesmaids haven't any particular function in the wedding other than to look as pretty as possible, to be as little trouble as possible, and to attend the bride during the ceremony which in­cludes walking in the processional and the recessional, standing in the receiving line and sitting at the bridal table during the reception. They dance with the groom, the best man, and the ushers. They should minimize the bride's problems in wedding planning by being responsible about the fittings of their outfits, cooperative toward the bride's wishes concerning the details of their outfits, to be everywhere they are supposed to be, and to be on time.

After accepting an invitation to participate in a wedding and plans have gone forward, a bridesmaid will drop out only for very serious reasons, of course. If one does drop out, the bride may or may not decide to replace her, as she wishes. It is awkward to ask someone who will realize that she is second choice. How­ever, a relative may be understanding about this and there are some friends who can be counted on to understand any situation.

The bride will, of course, plan where the bridesmaids are to dress for the wedding. If each is dressing at her own home, they usually meet at the bride's home where transportation is pro­vided to take them all to church. Otherwise, they all may dress at the bride's home, or in a hotel suite she may have provided. Occasionally there is a room provided by the church where the bride and her attendants may dress. Instructions in detail will be given the bridesmaids in advance. The bride's mother will arrange accommodations for all out of town bridesmaids. She may ask those who live in the same town to run errands, to as­sist the honor attendant with addressing invitations and an­nouncements. While these are customary duties which brides­maids expect, they are not requested of those who live out of town and arrive just before the wedding.

Note: It is a European custom to use children in the wedding as a symbol of fertility. A bride may be attended by several children of various ages, or she may have one child in a wedding party otherwise composed of adults.

Junior Bridesmaid or maiden-of-honor: Some member of the bride's family, or of the groom's, or the daughter of a very close friend who is too old to be a flower girl and too young to be a bridesmaid, is frequently a junior bridesmaid. She is usually be­tween the ages of ten and fourteen. In the procession, she walks in front of the bridesmaids, alone, unless there are two junior bridesmaids. Occasionally, in the case of the bride's sister, she acts as maiden-of-honor, in which event there is no other honor attendant. Usually such responsibility is delegated to a youngster closer to fourteen than to ten, and then only if the girl wants the role so very much that she can be trusted to fulfill her duties without mishap. If she is a maiden-of-honor and the bride has decided to pair off bridesmaids and ushers in the recessional, it is quite appealing to see the best man escort this teen-ager down the aisle. If she is a junior bridesmaid, one of the ushers may escort her back down the aisle if bridesmaids and ushers are paired off for the recessional. If she has acted as maiden-of-honor, she should stand in the receiving line on the groom's left, and sit at the bridal table also on his left. If she has been a junior bridesmaid she may or may not stand in the receiving line, depending upon whether she seems too tired and excited or not. A junior bridesmaid should give a wedding present. She may give a shower (with her mother as hostess) if desired. She attends all pre-nuptial parties except late evening ones. (See Chapter VI "Children in second marriages.")

Flower Girl: A flower girl (occasionally there may be two of them) should not be so young as to create a problem—between three and seven is the usual age (or if a child is not too tall she may be eight or nine). She walks in the processional behind the honor attendant, immediately preceding the bride and her father. If there is a ring-bearer, he usually walks just before the flower girl, between her and the maid-of-honor, or he may walk with her. The flower girl may carry a small bouquet or nosegay, and she should carry a small basket with rose petals because her function is to scatter rose petals in the bride's pathway. She may be taken out of the processional just before she reaches the chancel steps by someone designated in one of the front pews on the bride's side of the church and kept there during the cere­mony; or she may be instructed to follow the maid-of-honor to the chancel steps where one of the bridesmaids will take her by the hand and watch over her during the ceremony. In the re­cessional, she should be directed by the maid-of-honor down the aisle immediately following the bride and groom. If there is a ring-bearer, he may be paired off with her. Sometimes a maid-of-honor and the best man lead one or both children back down the aisle—this may be necessary if a child seems confused or over­excited and it gives a smoother feeling to the wedding than un­due delay caused when or if a child cannot understand what to do.

Flower girls usually do not stand in the receiving line. By all means they should not be kept up during the entire reception if they show signs of restiveness or fatigue. The child's mother should make previous arrangements to have her taken home and looked after in case the circumstances arise.

A cute little flower girl usually adds to the charm of a wedding —and loves it! Following the ceremony and the nuptial mass, one bride, escorted by her husband, the maid-of-honor and the best man, the flower girl and the ring-bearer, proceeds to the Rose­mary Altar, an altar to the left of the main altar in the church. The groom and best man wait mid-way while the bride and the maid-of-honor and the two children go on to the steps of the altar. The bride, kneeling, prays silently for a few moments. Afterwards she is escorted back to the waiting bridegroom and they lead the recessional.

Note: Parents are usually extremely honored when their child is in­vited to be a member of a wedding party.

Ring-Bearer: It should be recognized that little boys do not always behave as well as little girls. They do not enjoy dressing up and being fussed over as much. However, if there is to be a ring-bearer,