6. Wedding Plans

Even while Jane and Henry are discussing where to spend their honeymoon, assembling their trousseaus and planning their new home, it is none too soon to begin thinking of definite plans for the wedding. As already pointed out, the one thing that must be fully decided upon and completed is the budget. Without specific in­formation on how much she may spend, Jane would find herself work­ing in confusion and uncertainty. But once the budget has been es­tablished, Jane will then want to set about her plans. She must get estimates on every phase of the wedding—ceremony, decorations, music, invitations, reception, wedding clothes, gifts, tips, gratuities. She must decide the kind of wedding she will have—whether formal, semiformal, informal—the kind of reception; and the number of guests at each. Only then will she be able to decide on her wedding clothes. She will find that nothing she can ever undertake will re­quire more careful and accurate planning than the preparations for the wedding. And she will find that if she wants to be sure not to omit a single item, she must put every single thing on paper. She might well compare the wedding—and its planning—to a big-time theatrical production in which she acts as producer, director, stage manager and star, all in one. She needs to know how much she can spend; what the stage scenes and sets will be; how to work with and direct her "cast" to bring out the best in each; what props she re­quires and how to assemble them; what the costuming will be. And not the least important, how she herself may give a radiant perform­ance!

And yet—none of this will prove formidable to Jane if she begins working and planning far enough in advance. And if she gets every item down on paper to check off, item by item, as each is accom­plished. So sharpen all pencils and begin the paper work!

Division of Responsibilities

Question i: What are the main divisions of responsibilities for the wedding?

Answer: Financial and functional. Question 2: Who takes the responsibilities?

Answer: The bride-to-be and her family, the groom-to-be and his family.

Question 3: What are the responsibilities of the bride and her family?

Answer: If the wedding is to have a double ring ceremony, Jane provides the ring for Henry.

Jane's linen, lingerie, clothes and luggage trousseau (see Chap­ter IV on The Trousseau).

Ordering, addressing, stamping and mailing the wedding in­vitations and announcements.

Providing the stationery trousseau.

Planning the color scheme for the ceremony and reception.

Providing the transportation from home to church to re­ception for Jane's family, Henry's parents and the bridal at­tendants (either by hired limousines or borrowed cars).

The wedding ceremony, including the church rental (if any), special equipment needed for the ceremony, organist's, vocalist's or special musicians' and sexton's fees, pew ribbons, aisle runner, canopy, candelabra.

Deciding upon the type of reception, place, hour and menu; catering (food and beverage), wedding cake, announcer, gratui­ties, parking facilities, awnings, canopies, ground coverings.

Arranging with traffic officer to assist with traffic at the church and reception (including his tip); parking service at the recep­tion (amplification system, men to take care of guests' cars).

Wedding clothes—planning and selecting the bridal and bridal attendants' outfits, dresses for both mothers and the bride's father's outfit (he will dress according to the groom's de­cision for what the men will wear).

Flowers—decorations for the ceremony and reception, at­tendants' bouquets; and the selection of the bridal bouquet and the mothers' corsages (for which the groom will pay).

Music at the reception.

Photographs—formal bridal portraits (if desired) and candids.

Newspaper publicity.

Thank-you notes for wedding gifts, and the display of gifts (including insurance during display).

Bridal Registry—china, silver, crystal patterns.

Pre-wedding parties—bridesmaids' luncheon; tea for friends to see gifts and trousseau; bridal dinner (which may be given by the groom's mother).

Accommodations for out-of-town guests.

Gifts to groom and bridal attendants; parents' gift to bride and groom.

Instructions to bridal attendants.

Wedding books—gift listing, and one for guests to sign at the reception.

Listing items for honeymoon; packing and delivering luggage and going away outfit to the place of the reception.

Attend the rehearsal, ceremony and reception.

Question 4: What are the responsibilities of the groom and his family?

Answer: Providing the engagement and wedding ring for Jane.

Henry's clothes and luggage trousseau; deciding upon what attire the men in the wedding will wear; providing his own and his mother's and father's wedding clothes (his father will dress according to the way the other men in the wedding will dress).

The bridal bouquet, going-away corsage, corsages for the two mothers, boutonnieres for the best man, ushers and both fathers (and sometimes the bridesmaids' bouquets).

Accessories for best man, ushers and both fathers—ties, gloves and spats (optional).

Gifts to bride, best man and ushers; groom's parents' gift to bride and groom.

Marriage license (while the bride and groom go together to get the license, the groom pays for it). In some areas it is ac­cepted that the groom pay for the blood tests for the bride as well as for himself.

The clergyman's fee.

Accommodations for out-of-town guests of the groom's family; the best man and ushers and their wives.

The bachelor dinner (this may be given by the best man or be a "dutching" party).

Rehearsal dinner (or the bride's parents may prefer to give this).

Instructions to the best man and the ushers.

Packing and delivering luggage and going away clothes to the dressing room at the reception (or placing the luggage in his automobile if it is to be used).

Attend rehearsal, ceremony and reception.

Make all honeymoon arrangements including transportation from the place of the reception to the honeymoon take-off.

Question 5: What responsibilities have Jane and Henry together?

Answer: In conference with both families, they:

Set the wedding date.

See the clergyman and make definite arrangements with him.

Decide upon the type and hour of the wedding ceremony and the reception.

Decide upon the number of bridal attendants and groomsmen and invite them to participate.

Make up guest lists.

Decide upon musical selections for ceremony and reception.

Arrange seating in church and at reception.

See their family doctors for blood tests, routine check-up, etc.

Get the marriage license (for which the groom pays, see above).

Attend rehearsal dinner, rehearsal, ceremony and reception (naturally!).

Take off for honeymoon.

Send telegram to bride's parents to thank them for the wed­ding.

Question 6: What are the responsibilities of the bridal attendants —the maid or matron-of-honor, bridesmaids and flower girl?

Answer: Upon being invited to participate in the wedding to ac­cept or decline immediately.

Assume financial responsibility for wedding attire selected by the bride, also any traveling expenses to get to the wedding if it is out of town.

All except the flower girl usually entertain the bride with one or more showers.

If there is a bridesmaids' luncheon, all except the flower girl attend.

Give the bride a wedding present.

Attend the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, ceremony and re­ception; follow all instructions carefully.

Question 7: What responsibilities have the best man, ushers, ring-bearer or page boy?

Answer: Upon being invited to participate in the wedding to ac­cept or decline immediately. (Note: it is not acceptable to de­cline except for serious reasons.)

Assume the financial responsibility for the wedding attire selected by the bridegroom, also any traveling expenses to get to the wedding if it is out of town.

If there are any joint-showers given for the bride and bride­groom, all attend except the ring-bearer or page boy.

Give a wedding present.

All except the ring-bearer or page boy attend the bachelor dinner.
Attend the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, ceremony and recep­tion; follow all instructions carefully.

Question 8: What are the general over-all points of timing to con­sider?

Answer: It is assumed that after the engagement is announced, Jane and Henry will have planned their budgets, their trous­seau and given considerable thought to their new home, before they are ready to turn their full attention to their wedding plans —provided they announce their engagement from two years to six months in advance of the time they expect to be married. With less than six months, they can still adhere to the timing suggested in the following plans, but will have to accomplish more faster or leave some out of the trousseau and new home planning until after the marriage.

Note: Very informal weddings do not require, usually, the same amount of time that the more elaborate plans for large wed­dings demand.

Question 9: Are there any helpful suggestions for the bride in wedding planning?

Answer: Above all, remember to work from a list. Take each thing as it comes. To minimize nervous tension, work as far in advance as possible. Rest and eat regularly, but especially during the last week.

Question 10: Are there any helpful suggestions for the groom in wedding planning?

Answer: You and your family follow, without comment, all plans set up by the bride and her family. You owe it to your bride and yourself to try to get some rest the night before the wedding. You will have a happier wedding day if you do, and a much more glorious honeymoon.

Question 11: What are the requirements and customs concerning wedding rings?

Answer: The marriage service requires that the bride have a wed­ding ring. Whether or not the groom has one is entirely a ques­tion of personal taste. The bride and groom may have a single wedding ring ceremony or a double ring ceremony when both the bride and groom are given bands. The groom always pays for the bride's ring and the bride for the groom's.

The bride should go with the groom to select the wedding band. She should try on both narrow and wide bands to see which is the more becoming to her hand. Once her selection is made, she does not see the wedding ring again until her wedding day. After it is marked it is delivered to the groom or to the best man, as directed.

A plain band of either yellow or white gold is the best taste for the bride's wedding ring. Or, another metal of great popularity is platinum—it is heavier than gold and it is white. It is more expensive, and wears extremely well because of its hardness and strength. Or, the bride might want palladium— a white metal, lighter in weight than gold and platinum, but still hard and strong. A diamond band is more like a guard to the engagement ring, and it is not as practical as gold because there is always the chance that diamonds may drop out. Also it is harder to clean.

The wedding band should always be of the same metal as the engagement ring if they are both to be worn on the same hand. Sometimes a bride is married with a plain gold band which afterward she wears most of the time, but has a fancy wedding band to match her engagement ring which she wears as a "set" for dress. Sometimes a bride and groom select her wedding and engagement ring and his wedding ring all to match. In an Orthodox Jewish ceremony, the bride's wedding band is always plain gold—a circlet in one piece—to symbolize everlasting love.

To avoid clicking and rattling, the bride may have her engage­ment setting notched in the back to secure the marriage band.

On the way to the altar, the engagement ring may be worn on the right hand; sometime after the ceremony it is replaced on the left hand, on top of the wedding ring. When the bride is wearing gloves, the engagement ring may be worn inside the glove on the right hand. The ring-finger of the glove on the left hand is customarily split to leave that finger exposed for the ring ceremony. (For Jewish ceremonies—Orthodox or Conservative -—the right index finger of the glove should be split as that is the finger on which the ring is placed by the bridegroom).

Fortunately modern brides no longer feel superstitious about removing their wedding rings occasionally—especially if they are jeweled and need professional cleaning.

The groom's ring usually matches the bride's, but this is entirely a question of personal taste. He may prefer a different band from hers. A man's ring should always be plain, neither too large nor too fragile.

Many more modern men are wearing wedding rings than men of former generations. Also, formerly, it was the custom for men to wear the rings on their right hands. Now it is considered correct for a man to wear his wedding ring on his right or his left hand.

Note: Widow and divorcee wedding and engagement rings: A widow moves her engagement ring to her right hand (or stops wearing it entirely) as soon as she discovers that she is planning to marry again. (She may or may not remove her wedding ring at this time). Shortly before her second engagement is announced, she removes her first wedding ring and her first engagement ring and puts them away. At this time she wears her new engagement ring. After her second marriage, she may again wear her first engagement ring on her right hand as an important piece of jewelry provided her second husband has no feeling one way or the other about the mater. If he does resent her wearing this ring, she is very foolish to persist. Something as seemingly trivial as this can be the beginning of domestic discord in her second marriage.

When a divorcee discontinues wearing both wedding and engagement rings, (or wears only her engagement ring on her right hand), it is a signal to people who know her that she is willing to marry again. Whether she has removed one or both or not at the time she decides to marry again, her course of action in regard to this should follow that described for the widow.

Question 12: How are wedding rings marked?

Answer: The bride's and groom's initials and the wedding date are usually engraved on the inside of the wedding bands. The bride's or groom's initials may be placed first as preferred. If there is space, a sentiment may also be included if desired. If the groom has a ring it is usually marked as well as the bride's. The bride's initials are her Christian name and her maiden surname.

Special Services for Wedding Planning

Question 13: Are there special services available to aid in planning and carrying through a wedding?

Answer: Indeed yes—everyone is all out to help a bride! The fol­lowing services are all valuable: Wedding Counselor—You will be wise to look up a wedding counselor in your community and turn the entire wedding over to her if you have unusual circum­stances to consider for your wedding, such as: if you are a career woman with little time of your own; if your mother is in ill health and unable to assist you; if your mother is not living and your father, while knowing how much money he can spend has neither idea nor time to find out how to spend it to make your wedding right; if you are having a large, formal wedding with much involved; if your wedding will be of social prominence with curious people looking on and much newspaper publicity; if your ceremony and/or your reception is to be held somewhere in which you do not have any of the services listed below at your convenience and so you would have to do the whole thing alone. A wedding counselor charges a substantial fee for her service. But she will assume responsibility for everything, from budgeting at the beginning to putting rose petals into the hands of the guests before the bride and groom take off for their honey­moon. These counselors handle modest weddings as well as lavish ones. Once you have agreed to pay the fee asked for her services, you do not have to scale your wedding any differently from the proportions you would have made for it without her service. With it, you should find that the money you do spend accomplishes more because of her professional help in budgeting and her know-how in recommending tradesmen for each thing needed.

Social secretaries, who address, stuff, stamp and mail wedding invitations and announcements (for a fee) are often employed, especially if the invitation and announcement lists are large.

Bridal consultants: most department stores and specialty shops throughout the country have a service (free of charge if the wed­ding attire is purchased at the store—a gratuity or present how­ever, is often given) whereby they send a bridal consultant or fitter to the bride's home to help her and her attendants dress for the wedding. These consultants are skilled in helping plan color schemes and all matters to do with wedding clothes and trousseau when you go to select them. They are also trained to make the shopping, fittings and delivery painless. They will recommend the best place for the men to rent their dress clothes and will advise on the correct attire for the men in relation to that selected for the bride and her attendants.

The clergyman usually directs the wedding party on procedure at the rehearsal.

Note: At the wedding ceremony, a professional wedding counselor always agrees with the procedure desired by the clergyman, regardless of her own opinions (unless he asks her for any suggestions during the rehearsal). If he does, she will then make known any preferences of position, or seating that the family may have discussed with her.

The sexton of a church is usually on hand the day of the wedding to start everyone off. In a hotel or club the banquet manager does this. He usually does not charge for this service, but a present of cash is usually given. There is a customary fee for a sexton's service. Also the sexton (or the clergyman) can advise on seating arrangements in the church.

In a hotel or club wedding, the banquet manager sometimes takes complete charge of the wedding party from greeting the bride and groom at the door to arranging the receiving line, seating at the bridal and parents' tables, and on through the procedure of the reception until the couple leave for their honey­moon. There is no charge for this, but a generous tip is usually given (by the bride's family). Some caterers have a person who will provide this service when they come to the home to furnish and serve the food and beverage for the reception.

A reputable jeweler or department store will give expert advice on correct wording and forms for invitations, announce­ments and thank-you notes (see Supplement I on notes), selec­tion and marking of engagement and wedding rings, gifts for bridal attendants and groomsmen, display of wedding gifts. Such tradesmen have gift counselors to register china, silver and crys­tal patterns (department stores include linen) to avoid duplica­tions. Some of the shops will send someone to the home to ar­range the display of gifts.

The leader of the orchestra hired for the reception (if a specialist in weddings) will direct the timing of the first dance, the bridegroom's toast, cutting the cake. His fee for the music is the only charge and includes any of these special services.

The head driver of a professional limousine service will direct the seating in the cars, which car should arrive first at the church. The regular fee is the only charge for this service.

The florist will advise on the most suitable bouquets in re­lation to your particular wedding plans, and will suggest color combinations. A good florist will go to the church and place of reception to see the color background, lighting, and will go to the shop to see the kind of wedding gown and bridesmaids' dresses before giving suggestions. A good florist will also be there the day of the wedding to see that the bridal attendants and the bride are carrying their bouquets correctly, and that the mothers' corsages are pinned on properly. There is no charge for this service, but a tip may be given.

A professional photographer, skilled in weddings, will help with the procedure in the receiving line, the best man's toast, the first dance. (There is no charge for this service but a tip may be given).

Note: the bride's mother should be most cautious and decide in advance which of the several professionals is to give the final directions, then ask the others not to interfere. If she has engaged the services of a wedding counselor there will be no confusion as the counselor will inform any other professionals that she her­self will be present to assume full direction over all matters of procedure both at the rehearsal and at the reception.

Note: See Bibliography for books and magazines relating to wedding etiquette.

Travel Agents: everyone is familiar with the services of travel agents today; they give invaluable help without charge to the inquirer or those making reservations. A good travel agent will give a bride and groom much useful information on places to go depending upon their budget, time, personal likes and dis­likes. He will arrange the entire trip, provide schedules, and give brochures which contain advice on the clothing needed and local customs in the places selected.

Types of Ceremonies and Receptions

Question 14: What are the types of weddings and receptions and how does one choose among them?

Answer: The types of weddings may be divided as follows: Formal, semiformal, informal.

Church or temple, chapel, church parlor, pastor's study, home (the bride's or another's), club, hotel, garden, city hall, county clerk's office, shipboard.

There are many special circumstances which govern the kind of wedding or the arrangements for either the wedding or the reception or both. These include: Marriage between those of different religious faiths. Double wedding. Military wedding. Marriage of a young widow; an older widow; a divorcee. First marriage of an older bride. Civil ceremony. Bride of foreign birth. Career bride. Bride whose parents are divorced. Secret marriage: Elopement. A clergyman's wedding. Non-military wedding for military men. Time of year, time of day or evening. Wedding in time of mourning.

Your choice of wedding will be determined largely by your own and the bridegroom's preferences, plus the circumstances of the families, where you live, the time of year when you will be married, your religious faith and your age. By all means be clear-eyed and level-headed when you consider all the circumstances affecting your decision. Then make up your mind and don't change it! Many girls say wistfully, "It was only to be a little wedding. Now look what it has snowballed into!" If you are a girl who hates big weddings or parties where there are many people, do your best to avoid a large, formal wedding—even though your mother's heart is set upon it. Try to thrash out this question of size and kind of wedding before preparations begin. If it has to be a large wedding in order to keep your parents or the bridgegroom's happy, then resign yourself to go through with it without hysteria. On the other hand, if you let everyone understand how you really feel in the beginning, perhaps some­one else will give in. Also before commitments are made, examine the bridegroom's disposition. If he is not the type to go through with all the parties, fuss and rehearsals, slow up before you begin!

Once all concerned have agreed upon the kind of wedding you want to have, then choose the type within your family's means, even if the groom's circumstances are better than yours. While customs differ sometimes among certain European and Oriental peoples now living in this country (see Chapter I Wedding Customs,) in the best American tradition, the bridegroom's family does not under any circumstances pay for the wedding or give the wedding reception. If the groom's family is much wealthier than the bride's, it is suggested that her family plan a most intimate ceremony and a reception for only the immediate families. After the honeymoon is over, the groom's parents can give as large, lavish and expensive a reception as they wish to in­troduce their son and his bride to their friends. And they should, of course, invite her friends, too.

Note: There are some unusual circumstances when the bride is with­out family and is taken to the bridegroom's home following the ceremony for an informal meal with only a few friends before leaving on the honeymoon. Good taste and good judgment must be used on some points where circumstances are unusual.

If there has been a death in the family within the last ten months, do not have a large, formal wedding. However, a semi-formal wedding may be held either in church or at home six months after a death.

For various reasons (see special weddings), some people invite few guests to church and have a large reception afterwards. Others invite many to the church and have an intimate group at the reception. Still others prefer and can afford to invite everyone both to the ceremony and the reception. When the ceremony and reception are held in one place, all guests are usually invited to both.

There may be gradations between informal, semiformal weddings. For instance, a wedding might be a conservative formal, or an important informal, which would modify some of the classifications as listed. This will be explained under "special weddings."

In deciding upon the type of wedding, a bride may remember that the purpose of the ceremony is to exchange marriage vows and to receive the blessing of the chruch in the presence of witnesses. The reception, however, is a time-honored custom whereby friends gather to celebrate with feasting and dancing the new life the bride and groom are beginning. If curtailment is needed somewhere to balance the budget, keep the wedding intimate and go all out for the reception. Think carefully, too, before deciding to do without any reception. Whether formal, semi-formal or informal, all weddings include a ceremony with witnesses (few or many), and a reception (optional) with varying degrees of decoration, music, food and beverage.

Question 15: What are the requirements under the three main categories of weddings?

Formal Weddings

Answer: Requirements for formal wedding—day or evening:

Formal attire for all members of the wedding party (see supple­ment on Dress Charts).

4 to 12 bridal attendants—plus ring bearer and flower girl if desired.

A best man, and one usher for every 50 guests.

Church, hotel, club or garden ceremony, with canopy, carpet, pew ribbons, door man.

Engraved invitations and announcements.

Handsome and lavish flowers for decorations.

One hundred or more guests.

Catered reception at home, in the garden or in a hotel; if outdoors, a lawn marquee.

Music at the reception; probably a band and space for dancing.

Formal receiving line; an announcer for receiving line.

Bridal table and parents' table.

A served sit-down or semi-buffet meal of three courses.

Champagne

Wedding cake (bride's cake).

Groom's cake (dark cake in monogrammed boxes to take home —optional).

Rose petals and rice.

Several clergymen (optional).

For a formal wedding ceremony and reception, the budget must be generous because it will cost money—and there should be reason to invite many people.

Make sure that the church is large enough if there are to be a number of bridal attendants. There must be a large enough place if the reception is to be formal, both to accommodate a large number of guests and to provide ample space for dancing. Formal weddings should be held at the most fashionable time of day.

Semi-Formal Weddings

Semi-formal attire for all members of the wedding party (see dress charts, supplement).

1 to 4 bridal attendants—some may be children; ringbearer, if desired.

One usher for every 50 guests; a best man.

Church, chapel, home, club or hotel or garden ceremony.

Between 75 and 150 guests.

Engraved invitations and announcements.

The ceremony may be scheduled for any time of day or eve­ning that is convenient.

Music for the reception—friends or professional musicians, or record player. Dancing or not as desired.

Aisle-canvas, pew ribbons, door man; canopy may be omitted.

Home, club, hotel or garden reception, usually catered.

A light menu as for high tea or cocktail party with cake and ices, either served or buffet.

Champagne, wine punch or champagne cup.

Wedding cake (bride's).

Groom's cake (optional).

Rose petals and rice.

Informal Weddings

Requirements for informal wedding—day or evening.

Informal attire for all members of the wedding party (see dress charts, supplement).

One or two bridal attendants—or honor attendant and 2 children.

Best man, one usher for every 50 guests.

Church, chapel, home, club, hotel, garden, church parlor, City Hall, County Clerk's office, shipboard ceremony.

The ceremony may be held at any time convenient.

Between 50 and 75 guests.

Handwritten invitations; engraved announcements.

Modest flower arrangements; aisle canvas and canopies are omitted.

Reception or not as desired—in church following the cere­mony, at home, partially catered or done with private help.

Music or not as desired—record player, accordion, piano, violin. Dancing if desired and there is space.

Tea or cocktail food or simply wedding cake and beverage to toast the bride (any beverage except tea, coffee or water). These may be served in addition to another beverage, but are not served to toast the bride.

Note: In all instances, formal, semiformal, or informal, transporta­tion should be provided by the bride's parents, either profes­sionally or in friends' cars. Candid pictures will be desired, either professional or pictures taken by a friend with a camera. A rehearsal for the wedding is held. There is a receiving line for the reception with the exception of a very small wedding at home, but even then the bride and groom stand together to receive salutations from the guests, the two mothers hover near the door to greet the guests as they come in, and both fathers circulate among the guests.

Church Weddings

Question 16: What are the requirements for a church wedding (when the word "church" is used, it includes all faiths)?

Answer: A formal, semi-formal or informal wedding may be held in church, and this is, of course, the ideal place for a wedding ceremony.

Most brides are married by their own clergyman in the church they attend regularly.

A bride may be married in her fiance's church by his clergy­man. Whether in the bride's or the groom's church, a visiting clergyman may assist in the ceremony if it is desired that a family friend or relative who is a clergyman be part of the wedding. Arrangements for this inclusion must be made well in advance with the clergyman of the church in which the ceremony is to be held.

It is possible to be married in a church you do not know and by a clergyman who does not know you. To do this, you must see the clergyman to make arrangements well in advance of the wedding date. He will want to learn to know you and your fiance. If you are not a member of a church, there very likely will be a fee for church rental. If none is required it would be only courtesy to make a cash contribution, to the extent that you can afford. This is, of course, in addition to the clergyman's fee which is paid by the groom.

Every church has certain restrictions and regulations accord­ing to the requirements of its faith. These will be explained to you by the clergyman. (Some require baptismal certificates from the bride or groom or both. Some will not marry persons who have been divorced.)

Civil certificates, blood tests (in most states) and marriage li­cense are required.

Every church has certain times of day for weddings.

If a bride's or groom's family and friends are too far away for very many to attend the wedding, this need not influence the de­cision to have a church wedding. The ushers will seat on both sides of the church the friends of the family that do live in the city instead of the bride's friends on the left and the groom's friends on the right as usual.

If a bride wants a church wedding and does not have reason to invite enough guests to fill both sides of a big church, and yet has too many on the guest list for the chapel, the rear pews may be filled with flowers, arranged by a clever florist (this is expen­sive, however). The lights in the front of the church can be turned on and those in the rear turned off to focus interest toward the front and make the church appear smaller.

If you want to invite a great many people to your wedding ceremony and you belong to a small church, be sure to consider whether you will have enough room in the church.

Chapel, Church Parlor, Pastor's Study, Rectory Weddings

Question 17: What are the requirements for weddings in a chapel, church parlor, pastor's study or a rectory?

Answer: For semiformal and informal weddings, a small chapel is an ideal setting; one may have a small reception following the ceremony.

The usual reason for a wedding in a rectory is that a Roman Catholic is marrying a Protestant. A rectory wedding is always informal. That a wedding of this kind be held in the rectory is a regional ruling—some such marriages may take place before the sanctuary rail in the church, or at home. Such a wedding is fre­quently followed by a large reception.

A church parlor or a pastor's study are used only for very in­formal wedding ceremonies. A reception seldom follows.

Home Weddings

Question 18: What are the customs in connection with a home wed­ding—either the bride's home or in another's?

A home wedding may be formal, semiformal or informal, day or evening, any time of the year.

A home wedding has deep and tender significance. Many people prefer to take the step of matrimony from familiar surroundings. A beautiful house with a portrait staircase makes a dramatically beautiful setting. On the other hand, a small house or an apartment from one to three rooms can be a charming background.

All guests are included in both the ceremony and the reception.

A home wedding may be arranged as expensively as desired, but it is also true that a charming wedding at home can be most economical.

It is perfectly correct for a bride to accept a friend's generous offer to use her home for the wedding (from anyone except the bridegroom's family). Or she may be married at the home of an aunt or a grandmother. When the wedding is at the home of a relative or a friend, the bride's parents pay all expenses, in­cluding generous tips to any of the friend's servants who help with the wedding and reception. Bride and parents express gratitude for this generosity in every possible way. The bride's family issue the invitations (see Supplement on Invitations and Announcements).

The bride should consider whether a home wedding will cause her parents to feel obliged to paint and redecorate, or buy new furniture. This might prove needlessly expensive.

She should also consider whether there is plenty of space to include everyone she will want to invite.

Sometimes the wedding is held in the new home of the bridal couple—if circumstances are such that the couple have as an alternative the City Hall. While this is not fashionably nor traditionally correct, it is certainly not wrong provided some member of the bride's family is present to act as hostess.

The ceremony may be held in the church and the reception at home.

In planning rooms for the women to dress in for a home wedding and reception, be sure to reserve one room for the private use of the father of the bride. With caterers taking over the kitchen, florist and tent man the downstairs rooms and the garden, professional dressmakers and representatives from beauty salons popping in and out of the upstairs' rooms, there is need for one room to be marked "Father—Private" where he can retreat from it all for a breather.

The bother of transportation can thus be eliminated from home to church to reception. However, obligation still remains for the bride's family to furnish transportation for the groom's family.

Some feel that a wedding in the home or garden is mandatory for those of different faiths; that weddings in hotels should be avoided if possible and that a registry office scarely permits a real wedding. This seems a bit old fashioned. The ceremony can be held in many places suitably for those of different faiths and the reception at home—or both at a hotel (see Marriage between those of different faiths).

Any religious ceremony in a hotel, house or garden will lack some of the formality and perhaps solemnity of a church ceremony.

When planning a home wedding, be sure to consult the clergy­man first to be certain that he is willing to perform the ceremony outside the church.

A home wedding with 50 guests or more will probably require the services of a professional caterer; otherwise, outside hired help or family servants, or the help of neighbors and friends will suffice—in which case the bride's family must buy the food and beverage and plan to rent equipment needed (see wedding reception). If a caterer is engaged he may supply the food, in­cluding the wedding cake, and beverage with all china, linens, glassware, silver, ash trays, punch bowls, serving trays for either a full meal or cocktail food, as desired, and also include a chef, waiters, bar-men, announcer, door-man, maître d'hôtel. Or if preferred, will simply supply orders of food without any service or equipment. He can also supply carpeting, awnings, marquee and music. All this may cost as much per person as a hotel charges, but it is considered well worth the expense by some people in exchange for the convenience offered.

Garden Weddings

Question 19: What should be considered in connection with a garden wedding?

Answer: A garden wedding is suitable for formal, semiformal or informal weddings. It may be held at any time of day or evening, in late spring, all summer or early fall, or in southern climates or the tropics all year around (except in those localities where there is a rainy season).

A garden wedding is picturesque—with a home atmosphere.

All of the points discussed under "home weddings" apply to "garden weddings."

One primary advantage of a garden wedding is that it will accommodate a large crowd out o£ doors in warm weather.

The small lawn, the little garden, or a big country estate all offer possibilities.

A private apartment roof garden in a big city may be an interesting setting, or a hotel roof garden.

Special arrangements will have to be provided in case the weather turns bad on the day of the wedding (see section on awnings and marquee).

If you have a garden of which you are very proud, or if you have only a nice lawn but love to be outdoors, consider having a "garden wedding."

There is always a chance that because of a cold spring or a recent storm garden flowers may not be as profuse or as lovely as expected. But a florist can replant and decorate or repair damage very well.

Hotel or Club Weddings

Question 20: What are the points to keep in mind when considering a hotel or club wedding?

Answer: They are suitable for formal, semiformal or informal wed­dings at any time of day or evening.

They are especially good for people who have no close church affiliation, or who have chosen a day or a season when the church is not available; or if the church rules forbid a particular mar­riage.

They are convenient for people who like to have the ceremony and reception in one place and who for one reason or another do not wish a home wedding. It is possible however to have the ceremony elsewhere and the reception at a hotel or club.

If both the ceremony and the reception are held in a hotel or club, all guests are usually invited to both.

A club or hotel wedding may be more expensive than a home wedding but some people consider the difference well worth while because of the services offered. There is no doubt that the services and equipment available make a club or hotel wedding more convenient and hence easier. It is also possible to invite more people to a club or hotel than some churches or homes can accommodate.

The hotel services offered for a wedding include:

A background of flowers for the ceremony.

Organist or other musician (s)

Desired seating

Reception, whether the ceremony has taken place at the hotel

or elsewhere, and includes:

Flowers—photography

Refreshments—full meal, buffet, or any kind of meal or food and any and all kinds of beverages

Music

Place cards—if a sit-down meal

Cake, and a decorated knife to cut it

Rooms for bride and groom to change—also rooms for the bridal party and men in the wedding to dress before the ceremony; also provides space to hang up wedding clothes delivered by shops before the wedding

Paper rose petals for guests to throw as bride and groom depart

Ordinarily no rent is charged for the ceremony and reception rooms used; sometimes there is a rental charge for the dressing rooms used.

There is a charge for flowers, food and beverage, music, pho­tography, cake and tips.

Because of the professional nature of the services of the ban­quet manager in charge and the people serving, a hotel wedding nearly always "goes smoothly."

A private club may or may not have the equipment and cater­ing service available for a wedding ceremony or a ceremony and reception. Part or all of it may have to be brought in by the bride's family. Some people consider the exclusive, private at­mosphere worth any extra inconvenience.

Civil Ceremonies

Question 21: What are the considerations for weddings performed in the City Hall, the County Clerk's office, by a Justice of the Peace, in the Registrar's office or a Judge's chambers?

Answer: These are always informal weddings where the bride and groom understandably wish to slip off and evade all fuss. Often, in these cases, the bride wears a suit, or a simple, street length dress. Certainly a wedding dress would be entirely out of place. She does not carry a bouquet but wears a corsage. She does not wear gloves during the ceremony but leaves them with her handbag until the conclusion. The groom should wear a conservative dark business suit. He does not necessarily wear a boutonniere. If friends of the bride and groom (one each) ac­company them as witnesses, they should dress in a similar way to the bride and groom.

There are some special requirements o£ certain faiths whereby a bride and groom have a civil ceremony followed at a later date by a church ceremony.

A civil ceremony can be very inexpensive and requires a minimum of time and preparation.

The ceremonies can be charming. Many Justices o£ the Peace have arranged attractive settings. An air o£ dignity is lent by a Judge's chambers.

Many civil authorities follow much of the wording and pace of a church service. However, the bride is not "given away."

Usually the places for such ceremonies are not large, so the number of people witnessing must be very few.

Unless the civil ceremony is performed by a high-ranking official such as a mayor, governor or Judge (such officials occa­sionally perform the service as a special favor to the bride, groom or one of the families) a fee is given. In some instances the fee is set (if not, it is usual to give from $10 to $25) and it is placed in a sealed white envelope. The groom's best man gives this to the officiating officer before the service. If the groom does not have a best man he himself gives the envelope to the official before the service or, if the fee is set, after.

A fee is never offered to a high-ranking friend who performs the service. Usually, however, a gift is sent after the ceremony— but good taste should here be the guide. Anything from a box of excellent cigars, champagne, choice brandy, a case of Scotch or a fine pipe would be appropriate, or any handsome gift the groom can afford. The bride usually sends a thank-you note.

A reception as such does not follow a civil ceremony but it is entirely correct and quite customary to have a luncheon, dinner or cocktail party. The official who performed the service is not invited if he is a stranger. If he is a friend of either family, he is, although he may decline if he is not a close friend.

Shipboard Weddings

Question 22: What are the points to know concerning shipboard weddings?

Answer: Some of the steamship lines are encouraging weddings aboard ship before the couple sail away on their honeymoon (some of this encouragement is for publicity purposes, we believe!).

A small, informal wedding in the chapel of a ship, followed by a cocktail reception in one of the lounges might be fun and something different. The reception would be like a going away party and a wedding reception combined, with all the guests offering traditional salutations to the bride and groom, then offering "Bon Voyage" and disembarking before the ship sails. Or, the wedding ceremony might be held in a church chapel and the reception aboard ship before the couple sail.

Arrangements can be made with the ship's officers for catering for the reception, including music, flowers, cake and photogra­phy. There is a question whether the ship can sell liquor while in harbor. This can be brought aboard by the bride's family and served by the stewards.

A clergyman known to the bride or groom may be permitted aboard to perform the ceremony or may not. The ship may have rules in regard to its chaplain or captain performing such cere­monies.

Receptions in Temples or Church Basements

Question 23: What about receptions in temples or church base-ments?

Answer: A great many temples have accommodations available for a fully catered wedding reception on the premises following the ceremony (Jewish faith). Services and equipment are compa­rable to that offered by hotels. Alcoholic beverages may be served. Some churches (Protestant and Catholic faiths) permit a wed­ding reception in the church parlor, or recreation room or base­ment. Food, beverages and service must be provided by the bride's family. Equipment, or some part o£ it, is usually avail­able. Alcoholic beverages are seldom permitted on the church premises.

Marriage Between Those of Differing Faiths

Question 24: When those of different faiths, especially a Roman Catholic and a Protestant marry, what are the procedures?

Answer: The Roman Catholic informs his or her parish priest and discusses the marriage with him as early as possible.

A special dispensation must be obtained from the Roman Catholic church for permission to marry (that is if the marriage of the Roman Catholic is to be recognized by the church au­thorities).

If the non-Catholic can prove he or she is a baptised Christian, the dispensation is granted more readily.

The non-Catholic receives special instructions—approximately a dozen lessons—before the marriage and must make three spe­cific promises: (1) That all children of the marriage will be reared in the Roman Catholic church; (2) That the non-Catholic will not interfere in any way with the Roman Catholic's religion; (3) That only the Roman Catholic ceremony will be performed.

The ceremony may not take place in the sanctuary of the church, but (in some regions) may be held before the sanctuary rail. It may also be held in the rectory and, with very special dispensation, in the bride's home, or elsewhere.

No matter where the ceremony is conducted, to be recognized by the Roman Catholic church, a priest of that church must officiate.

A nuptial mass cannot be said.

Question 25: In such cases are the wedding ceremony and recep­tion restricted in size?

Answer: If the wedding ceremony is to be held in church (and most of them are now), the wedding guest list for the ceremony may be as large as the bride's family desires and the church will ac­commodate.

If the ceremony is to be performed in the rectory, the wedding is usually small, primarily because of limited space and the bride and groom usually prefer to limit the guests at the ceremony to relatives and very close friends. Decorations may be as elaborate as space permits but usually there is no music. Occa­sionally a bride and groom may choose to have a prie-dieu, if they wish to kneel, but kneeling is not necessary in the Roman Catho­lic ceremony.

The reception may be held anywhere and may be as large and as elaborate as the bride may wish.

Question 26: Are there any restrictions about the bride's wedding gown?

Answer: No, she may wear the traditional gown and in any style she prefers. If the space for the ceremony is small, it is better taste to choose a waltz, intermission or floor length gown with, at most, a chapel sweep rather than a gown with a long train. While the long train would not be incorrect, it might be incon­venient and seem out of place.

Question 27: What about attendants?

Answer: For a church ceremony, the number of attendants is not limited.

For a rectory ceremony, the bride and groom have but one attendant each. If the bridal party is larger, it does not partici­pate until reaching the place of the reception.

Question 28: If a church refuses to recognize a couple's right to marry, what is the procedure?

Answer: A civil ceremony only is performed. This is the case when (1) Either the bride or the groom has been divorced and one of them is a member of the Roman Catholic, the Anglican or cer­tain Episcopal churches in the United States. In this event the performance of a second marriage is seldom accepted by the church. (2) The non-Catholic member of a Roman Catholic-Protestant couple refuses to subscribe to the stipulations made by the church authority. (3) A Gentile and a Jew marry. (There are exceptions.)

Question 29: Are both a religious and a civil ceremony ever per­formed?

Answer: Frequently when Americans marry in a foreign country, and in some religious sects in any country.

Elopements and Secret Marriages

Question 30: What are the usual reasons for an elopement?

Answer: Parents disapprove of the marriage.

Sometimes a bride and groom in the social limelight cannot face the big wedding they are expected to have. So, they an­nounce their engagement, receive the blessings of relatives and friends—then go off and get married. Only the day is a surprise, not the announcement of the elopement.

A bride and groom with a wide circle o£ friends and means for only a small wedding, elope to avoid cutting down on their guest list.

If he bride's family has social position and very little money, the couple might announce their engagement and then elope.

A bride or groom might want to spare parents who are not well—or who might object to the marriage on religious grounds.

The father o£ the bride may give her the choice of a big wed­ding or the same sum o£ money if she will elope. We have no facts on how often this offer is made seriously, or if made seri­ously, how often it is accepted.

Perhaps not strictly an elopement, but of that nature would be the case of a couple who have no parents or close relatives. They are usually married by a civil authority or in a pastor's study and may ask the officiating officer or the pastor to provide witnesses. There is no need for them to tell their friends o£ their plans if they do not wish to.

Question 31: After an elopement, how is the event announced?

Answer: The bride should first tell her parents before she or the groom tell anyone else.

Formal announcements are sometimes omitted after an elope­ment, but are usually sent. They are issued in the name of the bride's parents unless the parents are so opposed to the marriage that they do not wish to sponsor it. In this event, the couple may send out the announcements themselves. The announcements give the place of marriage (name of the city or town), the date and the year. If a civil ceremony has been performed, the place of the ceremony is not named. If the marriage was in a church, the name of the church may be stated or not as desired.

If she prefers, the bride's mother may send informal, hand­written notes to close friends and relatives instead of formal, engraved announcements.

Even when the marriage has been kept secret for several months, announcements may still be sent giving the true date and place of marriage.

Note: "At Home" cards are enclosed with the formal announce­ments usually if the young couple are living out of town and friends would not otherwise know where they are. The standard line "after such-and-such date" is omitted.

Question 32: Is newspaper announcement of the marriage made after an elopement?

Answer: Newspaper announcement of the wedding may be made provided the engagement was previously announced.

Question 33: What is the practice concerning wedding gifts after an elopement?

Answer: When a couple elopes, they should not expect wedding gifts as gifts are not obligatory from friends when wedding in­vitations have not been issued, even though formal announce­ments have been sent. Nevertheless, some relatives and friends will send gifts after the announcements have been received. If the elopment should be the second or third marriage for either the bride or the groom, gifts are certainly not expected although here again some will be sent. The bride will, of course, as in any wedding circumstances, send thank you notes for each gift.

Question 34: Is it correct for friends to entertain the couple after an announcement has been made of a secret marriage?

Answer: Yes, friends may entertain if they wish.

Weddings When Parents Are Divorced

Question 35: How should a wedding be planned when either the bride's parents or the groom's parents, or both, are divorced or separated?

Answer: Plans have to be made to fit each specific case. In general the following customs are observed:

Most authorities agree that it is taboo for divorced parents to sponsor the wedding together. According to best etiquette, a daughter's wedding must be given by her mother. Invitations to the ceremony are issued in her name alone. Invitations to the reception are also issued in her name alone unless she has re­married, when they must be sponsored by "Mr. and Mrs." (her second husband's name). When the bride's mother has re­married, it is possible to issue invitations to both Church and reception in the name of "Mr. and Mrs. (her second husband's name)," but this is rare. When parents are divorced and the bride's mother is giving the wedding and reception, the bride's father usually meets her at her mother's residence and drives to church with her. He usually "gives her" in marriage. If the mother and father should not be on speaking terms, the father does not afterwards attend the reception. If they are on speaking terms, he does.

If a bride has made her home with her father, in the case of divorced parents, he may then sponsor her wedding, even though her mother is still living. Invitations to church are issued in the name of the bride's father, but reception invitations must be issued by father and stepmother when he has remarried. It is possible for invitations to both ceremony and reception to be issued in the name of bride's father and stepmother, but rare. One version holds that when the bride's father is sponsoring the wedding, if he has remarried, his second wife does not attend the ceremony and his first wife does not attend the reception. We would qualify this according to the relationship that exists between the divorced parents.

When the divorced parents are on agreeable terms with each other, even if one or both parents have remarried, both parents and all the stepparents attend both the wedding and the re­ception. If the relations are bad, her father may do no more than "give her away" during the ceremony; his second wife may not attend. Or, if her father is sponsoring the wedding, her own mother might conceivably attend the ceremony with or without her second husband if she has remarried but not the reception.

Kindness, good judgment and good taste will help devise the best methods in given circumstances when the relations between divorced parents are bad. If the bride is equally close to her mother and father, and her mother sponsors the ceremony, it is possible to arrange two receptions, one given by her mother for her relatives and friends and one by her father for his. Bride and groom and attendants appear at first one and then the other.

As far as seating is concerned, it is agreed that it is considered bad taste to seat divorced parents together even if they have re­mained on friendly terms. During the ceremony, the bride's own mother sits in the first pew left side with her second husband if she has remarried. Another alternative would be that her second husband should not be seated with her, but should have a place further back in the church (provided he attends the wedding). Should he not be seated with her, she should have another mem­ber of the family there—she is not supposed to sit alone. We believe that individual circumstances will govern the decision. After her own father gives her away, he sits in one of the pews behind his ex-wife. And again, it is a matter of personal opinion whether his second wife, if he has remarried, should be there with him.

If the bridegroom's parents are divorced, his mother, together with anyone she would like to have with her, should be given the first pew on the bridegroom's side of the church; his father and others of his family should be seated in the third pew behind.

Divorced parents of a bridegroom may both attend a large reception.

If a groom's own mother is divorced and is receiving with the bride's mother at the reception, and the groom's own father and stepmother attend, they should greet the bride's mother while an adult member of the bride's family (by previous ar­rangement) engages the groom's mother in conversation, then the father and stepmother should swing around these two and greet the bride and groom, then receive their own friends in an­other part of the room. This sounds complicated, but it can be carried off gracefully!

In the case of separated but not divorced parents, a traditional form of invitation is issued if both are still living. However, I ad­vised one mother of a bride to follow this practice with unfortu­nate results. All the people who received invitations called up to learn when and how the parents had gone back together again! It was embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone concerned. Therefore I suggest that the mother and father issue the invita­tions as follows:

Mrs. Sidney Howard Smith

And

Mr. Sidney Howard Smith

request the honor of your presence

instead o£

Mr. and Mrs. Sidney Howard Smith

Both parents' names should be mentioned as long as both are living but not divorced.

When parents are separated but not divorced, they may take their accustomed part in the ceremony as though there were no difference, and both officiate at the reception. However, this might be confusing to the guests. An alternative might be for the bride's father to give her away, and afterwards take a place on the left side of the church in a pew behind her mother. Her father may surely attend the reception even though he may prefer not to stand in the receiving line.

Clergyman's Wedding—or his son or daughter

Question 36: Are there special procedures if a clergyman, his son, or his daughter marry?

Answer: Yes, there are deviations from the usual procedure. The following points should be kept in mind:

When the groom is a clergyman, the wedding is still held in the bride's church.

If the bride's church is also that of the groom-clergyman's, the officiating clergyman is someone of their own faith, usually of higher rank than the groom's.

The time of a clergyman's wedding is usually set before noon; except for those of Jewish faith, Sundays are avoided; and those of Jewish faith avoid their Sabbath.

When clerical collars are customary to his faith, the groom wears them, but not vestments.

If the wedding should be set for the late afternoon or eve­ning, he may wear the usual formal wedding attire suitable for the time and season, either with or without his clerical collar, ac­cording to his denominational customs.

If his marriage is to be held in his own church, a clergyman usually announces it from the pulpit and invites the church members to attend the wedding; he should also send engraved invitations to all church members.

If a clergyman has not yet been assigned his own church, he may be married in any church by a religious ceremony (though customarily, as before mentioned, in the bride's church).

If a clergyman and his bride-to-be have decided for any reason to be married in his church and the bride has come from a distance to a small community for the wedding, and if she were unaccompanied by her own relatives, the members of her husband's congregation might give the reception for her.

It has been said that a clergyman father performing the mar­riage for his daughter cannot give her away—but I have seen it done. At Central Presbyterian Church in New York City, Dr. Theodore Cuyler Speers, Senior Minister, gave his daughter in marriage. The bridegroom's father, also a clergyman, came out with the groom and best man, waited at the top of the Chancel steps to open the ceremony. After giving his daughter away (wearing formal day wedding clothes—morning coat, striped trousers, wing collar and striped tie), Dr. Speers ascended the Chancel steps, went out of the Chancel to the left of the altar and, while the guests and participants in the wedding waited, put on his vestments, then returned and proceeded with the ceremony. It was smoothly done and a beautiful ceremony to witness. However, if the bride is not given away by her clergy­man father because he is performing the ceremony, usually an­other close male relative does this. Or this male relative may escort her to the groom's side and then step into a pew on the left side of the church while her mother steps forward to give her away. Or, the wedding of a clergyman's daughter may be handled still differently. At the wedding of the daughter of the Rev. Dr. and Mrs. Edwin O. Kennedy, (Dr. Kennedy is the Secretary of Union Theological Seminary at Broadway and 120th St., New York City) in May in the Chapel of Union Semi­nary, Dr. Kennedy, who handled the whole service by himself, came down the aisle, dressed in his academic gown and hood, with his daughter on his arm. When he reached the head of the Chapel aisle, Dr. Kennedy gave his daughter to the groom, con­tinued on up the steps into the Chancel, turned around and opened the service.

The reception for a clergyman's daughter is expected to be limited to close friends, associates and the families of the bride and groom. Dr. and Mrs. Speers, however, invited all church members by engraved invitation to the ceremony and a reception in the church parlors at which they served punch and cookies. There was a receiving line, best man's toast, music and some dancing. Afterwards, the immediate family adjourned to a din­ner in the manse where the wedding cake was cut.

When the son of a clergyman marries, the father usually as­sists the clergyman of the bride's church in the ceremony. This father's congregation is not usually invited as a whole, espe­cially if the bride's church is some distance away.

A Bride of Foreign Birth

Question 37: Are there any special procedures when an American man marries a young woman of foreign birth?

Answer: There are a number of acceptable deviations from tradi­tion in this case. Following are the usual customs:

When an American man (including a service man) marries a girl of foreign birth in her own country, he follows the customs of that country. If the ceremony is held in the United States and her parents are with her to sponsor the wedding, he follows any of their national customs that they can and wish to carry out.

If the bride of foreign birth is to be married in this country without any of her family or friends here to sponsor the mar­riage, an impersonal announcement of the engagement is made (see Chapter II on The Engagement).

If the bride has the means to pay for her wedding attire, cere­mony and reception (usually a small one) she may do so, quite properly. If she has not the means, this is one of the exceptions to tradition—the bridegroom's family may sponsor and pay for the entire wedding and reception, if they wish to.

Engraved invitations (impersonal) or handwritten ones may be sent, usually the latter. Engraved announcements in the name of her parents might be sent after the ceremony. Those sent to her family and friends should be worded according to the custom of her own country.

The wedding may be an enlarged semiformal one if desired, and the bride given in marriage by a male relative of the groom.

If the bride has not yet learned English, she might be more comfortable if the wedding reception is small, simple and with few guests.

Note: Showers and pre-wedding entertainment might be in better taste if withheld until after the marriage when the bride will feel more at ease to appear in public with her husband.

Also, if the bride has but a limited command of English, the groom's mother or sisters might help her with the thank you notes.

Under the foregoing circumstances, the feminine members of the groom's family would certainly help the bride to select her wedding attire and trousseau.

Also, in these circumstances, the wedding would probably be planned according to American customs, unless there were some custom of her own country that meant a great deal to her which could be included during the ceremony or reception.

If both bride and groom of foreign background met in another country or over here and are now here without family or close friends from their own countries, they may sponsor their own wedding. Such a wedding would natually be a most informal one, with guests consisting of friends from work or church or neigh­bors. The bride and groom in this case might even share ex­penses of the wedding. However, they should order engraved announcements and send them to all of their friends and rela­tives in their own countries.

Note: Even though they have an informal wedding, unless they simply go through a civil ceremony or are married in a pastor's study, they may certainly have a processional for the ceremony with a mutual male friend to give the bride away. And they may have a wedding cake and champagne and such food as they would like and can afford. And the bride may throw her bou­quet before she goes away.

Career Bride—Girls in College

Question 38: Are there any special procedures for the many girls who make all preparations for their weddings while holding jobs which they intend to keep after a two-week vacation honey­moon?

Answer: Not so many special procedures but special planning in order to accomplish what needs to be done. The following points should be kept in mind:

These girls need more time to get everything done than the girls who are not working.

They need to work more carefully from a masterplan.

They must make every shopping hour count; they should take advantage of all services provided by department stores. They should first go on the nights the stores are open for pre­liminary screening of types and prices. When they have dis­covered in a particular store the types which interest them, they should telephone for a Saturday appointment in order to avoid waiting. They should go provided with lists of the minimum re­quirements for their trousseaus. Some stores provide "shoppers" who will assemble all the various items needed in one place to facilitate the selection, or will take the customer to the different departments, which saves much time. There are Home Planning consultants who will see one by appointment and be of much service in selecting items for the home.

Some find it expedient to omit pre-wedding parties—brides­maids' luncheon, rehearsal dinner. However, these are all part of getting married and it would seem a shame to miss them. If showers are given far in advance of the last hectic pre-wedding days, and if other evening parties are kept to a minimum, it seems that a young bride could have the traditional parties that go along with being married for the first time. Anyway, many career girls are certainly having all the usual showers and parties and not getting over-tired.

When the members of the office staff where the bride or groom works contribute to a wedding present (and the card reads "From the Audit Dept." for instance) the bride sends a thank you note to the group or groups. This is all that etiquette demands, but it is certainly an admirable and thoughtful gesture if the bride can take the time to send a note to each individual concerned as well. If she does not do this certainly a verbal thank you must be given to each one. However, if the card is signed by each in­dividual member, the bride should send a little thank-you note to each person.

Individual wedding invitations, either engraved or hand­written, must always be sent, never a general invitation to the staff How many staff members or which ones are invited to the church or the reception, or both, is entirely up to the wishes of the bride and groom. Usually the immediate superiors (and their husbands or wives) of both the bride and groom are invited to both the ceremony and the reception.

When presents are received from the boss and his wife (of either the bride or groom or both), the thank you note is sent by the bride to the wife, as in all cases, even though she may never have met her.

Like the career girl, the girl whose engagement is announced while she is still in school or college and who will be married immediately upon graduation (or even while still attending school) needs more time to carry out plans for her wedding than the girl at leisure. If her school is distant from her home she should realize that a year is by no means too long a time in which to do her shopping and assemble her trousseau, using, as she must, her holidays for this purpose.

A working time schedule for the ordering and fitting of the wedding clothes might well show that her bridal gown and veil are to be ordered in June for a wedding set for June a year ahead. The first fitting could be in September before she returns to school. During the Christmas holidays she could have the second fitting and order the bridesmaids' gowns. During the Easter holidays she could have her final fitting, the bridesmaids could have their fittings, and the photographs could be made. Then in June, all the wedding attire could be delivered in time for the wedding.

In general, the girl in college should take advantage of all possible time-saving services offered by the shops, just as the girl who works must do.

The Older Bride (28-50-or more)

Question 39: What are the procedures for the older bride marrying for the first time?

Answer: Good taste naturally demands a more restrained wedding but one that can be none the less charming because of its sim­plicity and dignity. Here are the usual customs:

A church ceremony is entirely correct although not an elabo­rate one. Often a chapel wedding, without processional or re­cessional, or even a civil ceremony is preferred by a woman 35 or more. It is entirely correct for children to be the attendants.

A mature bride is not usually given away but she may be i£ she wishes.

It is quite customary for the older bride to be escorted to the church by a male relative or close male family friend, or to go with the groom and best man and her own attendant.

It is entirely correct for the older bride to wait in the vestry with the groom, the best man and the maid (or matron) of honor for the clergyman, and then to be escorted by the best man to her place for the ceremony while the groom escorts the maid of honor. If he prefers to follow the usual procedure of walking down the aisle she may—especially if she is to be given away.

Her choice of gown should be conservative. It should not be one that by its youthfulness of style will emphasize her age or, perhaps, the maturity of her figure. She should also consider when she chooses her own gown how one in corresponding style will appear on her attendants (who, of course, should not be too many). If she and her attendants are youthful-looking for their years, she may certainly wear a bridal gown (no train) if she wishes, and a short veil. White, pale blue, soft ashes of roses, champagne are all appropriate colors and the style of the wed­ding gown, like her other clothes, should be sophisticated. She may decide, after considering everything, that soft, full-length dinner gowns will be more suitable for herself and her attend­ants. She and the attendants may carry small bouquets, if she wishes, but she will probably not want to throw hers at the reception. And of course she would be entirely correct to decide upon an informal wedding and to wear a dressy afternoon dress or her going away suit, with a corsage instead of a bouquet. Often people of the best taste "dress down" a wedding when a bride is 30 or more.

Usually the pre-wedding entertainment takes the form of luncheons or dinner parties (given by friends) rather than showers. A bridesmaids' luncheon or a rehearsal dinner is not usually held.

While the reception may be large, it should not be lavish, and a smaller, more informal reception is perhaps more fre­quent. It may be held appropriately in the same places as the receptions for younger brides, or in the bride's own apartment as well.

Double Weddings

Question 40: When are "Double Weddings" held?

Answer: When the brides are sisters, cousins or close friends (al­though some denominations require that the brides be re­lated), or occasionally when a brother and a sister have become engaged during the same period and decide they would like their weddings at the same time. Whenever a double wedding is held, the couples have their wedding reception together.

When considering a double wedding, one should be certain that there is enough space to accommodate the large wedding group at the altar.

Question 41: What are the procedures for a double wedding?

Answer: Like those for any wedding. There are some special points to keep in mind:

The weddings may be formal, semiformal or informal.

At a formal double wedding each bride and groom usually have separate attendants. They should have the same number.

Sisters may have the same attendants, but each usually has her own honor attendant. However, brides may act as maid and matron of honor for each other.

The grooms may each have a best man or act as best man for each other, as they prefer.

The brides do not need to dress alike.

The costumes of the brides' attendants should harmonize al­though they need not be identical.

Both grooms, both best men, both fathers and all ushers (for both groups) should be dressed alike.

Entertaining at pre-wedding parties may be for both brides jointly or separately. Sisters will very likely be entertained at the same time, although they may be guest of honor at different times. Friends will probably be invited to the same parties.

For the procedure in the processional, the ceremony, and re­cessional see Chapter VI.

For invitations and announcements, see Supplement 3.

For seating in church (2 sets of parents) and reception, see this chapter.

For receiving line formation, see Chapter VII.

Second Marriage

Question 42: What are the procedures when a wedding ceremony will not be for a first marriage?

Answer: There are many weddings today which fall under this heading, such as a wedding that is a second marriage for both the bride and groom; second for the bride, but the first for the groom; second for the groom but first for the bride; for a young widow; for an older widow; for a divorcee. In most cases the procedures are somewhat different from those for a first marriage and the following customs are usually observed:

There is no change in the regular procedure or wedding plans when the bride has not been married previously even though the groom has.

When a widow marries a second time she should not have a formal wedding, nor a large one, nor should she have a large re­ception. Simplicity should be the keynote. If she is very young, she may properly have a semiformal or informal wedding, spon­sored by her parents. Whatever her age, the ceremony is in the best taste if it is held in a small church or chapel or at home. A few flowers or leaves should be the only decoration and there should be no ribboned-off seats. Only the families and very in­timate friends are invited. The reception should correspond to the ceremony—the simplest of afternoon teas would be ap­propriate, or a family dinner. The wedding cake is usually iced with pastel frosting rather than white. Whatever the nature of the reception it is properly held in the bride's own home unless she is a very young widow when it may be held in her parents' home. If in her own home, she and the groom may remain there, having the guests leave, or they themselves may leave for their wedding trip while the guests are still on hand.

An older widow might prefer a civil ceremony, followed by a small reception.

A widow, sponsoring her own wedding, should have but one attendant (with a best man for the groom). If the bride has a daughter, it is entirely appropriate for her to act as her mother's only attendant. The bride need not be "given away" although she may if she wishes, and especially if she is a very young widow. Usually there is no need for ushers but if the number of guests at the ceremony require ushers there should be no more than one or two.

Sometimes a widow will want to invite members of her first husband's family to her wedding. There is no point of etiquette involved here—her decision should be guided by the feeling her new husband or his family have about her former husband.

It is considered improper for a widow to wear a bridal veil, orange blossoms or a myrtle wreath (all emblems of virginity.) She should never wear a wedding gown nor a gown with a train, and white only if she is very young. Usually a widow wears an afternoon dress, long or short, or a traveling costume. She wears a hat or a flower arrangement for a headdress, depending upon her costume. She chooses her costume to be appropriate for the type of wedding she has planned and the time of day it is to be held. She wears a corsage instead of carrying a bouquet. (Al­though the latter is not incorrect.)

If either the bride or groom has been divorced, it may be that the officiating clergyman will not wish the ceremony performed in the church. Usually in such cases the ceremony is held in the bride's own home. Frequently a divorcee has a civil ceremony where no one is present except herself, the groom, one witness each, and the officiating officer. A small reception then follows usually in her own home.

The same rules of simplicity in ceremony, dress and reception as for a widow are followed for the wedding of a divorcee.

In the past, children did not attend the second wedding of their parents, especially in the cases of divorce. Now the decision depends on the child's wishes. Many still feel that the children of divorced parents should not attend the second weddings, yet children of divorced parents, from the best cultural backgrounds and the highest social positions, are seen at their parent's wed­dings. Many act as their mothers' attendants.

In the case of a Roman Catholic marrying a divorced person there must be very special dispensation. This should be discussed by the Roman Catholic with his parish priest.

While second wedding ceremonies are simpler than for a first marriage, they are none the less reverent. And while the receptions also are not elaborate, they are none the less gay and joyous.

Gifts should not be expected for a second wedding although friends and relatives frequently do send them again.

See Supplement III on Invitations and Announcements concerning all forms of second marriages.

Weddings in Time of Mourning

Question 43: What are the customs if a wedding takes place during a time of mourning?

Answer: The following customs are usually observed.

If it is the sudden death of a member of the immediate family and it is possible to recall the invitations and postpone the wed­ding, this is done. If the postponement is impossible, the wedding is held as quietly as can be arranged. (See Supplement III for the recall of wedding invitations.)

Mourning in many cases does not necessitate postponement nor does it prevent a church wedding. If the death occurs to one close in the family, the wedding is usually a small, quiet church or home ceremony, followed by a reception for only the im­mediate families. If the death is sudden and there is not time to change plans, the wedding usually proceeds as scheduled, even if it is a large, formal one. If the death is of one whose relation­ship is distant, or family tie not close, no change in plans is called for.

Even near relatives of the deceased do not wear black at a wedding. They may wear violet if they wish.

A bridesmaid in mourning may, with propriety wear her planned costume.

The sudden death of a bridesmaid does not require a postpone­ment or change in wedding plans. The vacancy may be filled or not, as the bride wishes.

Note: If a bride or groom is taken ill, the wedding is, of course, postponed.

Hour, Season and Day for Weddings

Question 44: At what hours are weddings customarily held?

Answer: Certain localities consider times of day fashionable for weddings. But a ceremony and reception may actually be set for any hour the bride wishes. We have observed the following:

In the Northeast and East, the most formal hours are 4:00, 4:30, 5:00 o'clock in the afternoon, with a definite trend toward 5:30, 6:00 and 7:00 in the evening—especially in the summer with daylight saving time.

In the South, Northwest, West and Midwest the most formal hours are 8:00, 8:30 or 9:00 o'clock at night.

Catholic Nuptial Masses are from 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 o'clock in the afternoon. After that, the ceremony is not followed by the celebration of Nuptial Mass. A Roman Catholic wedding does not usually take place after 7:00 in the evening except in unusual circumstances.

A wedding at high noon or half-after 12 o'clock is considered fashionable in some communities for an Episcopal Church wed­ding—the high noon service implies a Communion service.

Formal Jewish weddings may be scheduled for 10:00 on Saturday night or for Sunday afternoon or evening.

For a formal wedding, a fashionable time of day is customarily chosen.

Semiformal or informal weddings may be held at any time of day convenient.

In choosing the time of day for her wedding, a bride-to-be should consider the kind of food she would like to serve at the reception. An early afternoon wedding reception may require only cocktail food. A substantial buffet if not a sit-down meal is required by a 10:00 a.m. reception, a high noon reception or a late afternoon reception. An evening reception (presumably after dinner for most people) may not need more than champagne and wedding cake, although a buffet is more usual (see Wedding Receptions).

Question 45: Are there any special customs concerning the months of the year in which weddings are held?

Answer: Weddings may be held in any month of the year although Roman Catholics are not usually married during Lent.

If the bride and groom are working people, vacation dates frequently govern the selection of the wedding date. If they are both in school, after graduation or between semesters would be logical times.

June used to be the most popular month for weddings, but now September seems to have as many as June. Holiday seasons are popular—Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter.

One of the old superstitions was that May would be an un­lucky month for marriage. That notion is now obsolete and May is a very popular month for weddings.

Question 46: Are there any conventions concerning the days of the week on which one may have a wedding?

Answer: Depending upon the circumstances, one may choose any day of the week, even for a fashionable wedding. Usually fashionable Christian weddings are on Saturday and fashionable Jewish wed­dings on Sunday—each avoiding the Sabbath of their own faith. The Jewish religion states that marriage ceremonies may not be performed from Friday sundown through Saturday sundown. Some formal Jewish weddings may be scheduled for Saturday night at 9:00 or 10:00 o'clock. Jewish people are not usually married on certain high holy days. Similarly, Christians are not usually married during Lent in a church or large home wed­ding. However, informal marriages, with or without a clergy­man, do take place regardless of holy days or holy seasons.

At one time there was a superstition that Friday was an un­lucky day on which to marry. Like the superstition concerning May, this is no longer believed. It is now a popular day—one of the reasons being, perhaps, that so many ships sail on Saturday.

We recently heard of an ultra-fashionable wedding, between two members of socially prominent families which was held on a Monday in June. The bride was too late in her planning to book the country club for the week-end, and the clergyman she wished to perform the ceremony had to perform another ceremony in another city on that special week-end. Therefore the ceremony and reception were held on Monday.

Sometimes a couple will select the wedding anniversary date of the parents of either the bride or the groom.

In choosing the day of the week (and the hour, too) for her wedding, a bride should consider the convenience of guests she has invited.

Note: Among continental peoples living in this country there is a custom when a Catholic Mass is to be part of the ceremony, to have the ceremony before noon, then schedule the reception which includes a sit-down dinner for the late afternoon. The bride, groom, bridal attendants, parents, and close relatives and friends usually go for a simple meal immediately after the cere­mony to the home of the parents of either the bride or the groom. All other guests go to their own homes. Then everyone comes back for the formal reception later.

Conferences with Clergyman, Sexton, Organist and Soloist

Question 47: What points should be discussed with the clergyman in advance of the wedding?

Answer: It is most important to have an advance conference with the clergyman. Remember that it is his church in which you wish to be married—if you have any ideas about the way you want the ceremony conducted, be sure to ask him before you go too far in the planning as his wishes customarily prevail. The following points should be on your list for discussion with him:

Be sure you check on his title and address him correctly.

Before you go to see him, you should telephone him first for an appointment—the bride telephones if it is her clergyman who is to perform the ceremony, the groom if it is his. (Be on time for the appointment and dress as you would if you were attend­ing church.)

Unless you are both members of the church, he will perhaps need and ask you for baptismal and /or confirmation certificates. He may also need a letter from the clergyman of the church of which one of you is a member, if of another church.

He will give you spiritual advice on marriage and discuss with you the responsibilities of marriage from the point of view of the church.

If you and your fiance are of different faiths, your clergyman will know whether special instructions are required.

If you wish special musical numbers or if you are considering an outside organist, choir or soloist, the clergyman is the one to ask for permission or concerning the regulations of his church.

He will tell you his preferences of the order of the processional and the recessional, and the arrangement of everyone at the altar. His preferences are to be followed. Some clergymen do not have such preferences. If yours is one of them, then you may make the arrangements as you wish.

You should check his preferences concerning the bridal cos­tume—are there any requirements concerning décolletage, long or short sleeves, headdresses, colors of flowers.

How may the church be decorated? Is there special equipment which must be used, certain kinds of containers, etc.?

May photographers take pictures during the ceremony? What about the use of flash bulbs?

Ask him (or the sexton) if the aisle canvas, pew ribbons, and canopy should be rented from the church or should you rent them from some other source. Learn too, whether the church can supply a door man, or if you should engage one from some other source.

If you would like to have an outside clergyman assist with the service—possibly a friend or relative of your own or the groom's—you naturally discuss this with your own clergyman. Any correspondence required with the visiting clergyman is handled by you with letters from your fiance to the visiting clergyman if needed. And incidentally, both clergymen will receive a fee. (Any traveling expenses and hotel accommodations for the visiting clergyman are paid by the bride's or groom's family, depending on which is the nearer to him in relationship.)

If it should happen that you ask your clergyman to permit an­other clergyman to come into his church to perform your cere­mony without assistance, you will be prepared with a fee for each. The groom always pays these fees. If the bride's or groom's father or brother happens to be the clergyman, no fee is given, but a donation is made in his name to the church or to some charity he indicates.

Be sure to ask whether there are any local customs to be con­sidered.

The bride and groom should visit the clergyman together. If they are Catholics, they will have to have arrangements for banns to be proclaimed three successive Sundays or holy days before the marriage in their own parish churches. If the priest who is to marry them does not know them, they will be asked for their baptismal certificates and a letter from their own parishes stat­ing that there is nothing to prohibit their marriage. If one is a Roman Catholic and one is not, a certain dispensation must be obtained and the non-Catholic will have to undergo special in­structions.

If either the bride or the groom or both have been divorced there may be some complications in some of the Protestant churches. They will not be able to be married by a priest if one is Catholic and one is not, and the non-Catholic has been di­vorced.

There are times when the marriage is to be held somewhere other than in a church, and the bride and groom are very well acquainted with the clergyman. In such circumstances, the bride's mother may telephone or go to see the clergyman to make arrangements for the hour, the day and the place when and where they would like to have him officiate.

Question 48: What does one discuss with the sexton of the church?

Answer: The following points should be covered with him:

First, get his name, address and telephone number—you may need this information.

Confer with him on whether an aisle canvas may be used, and if so whether the church has one to rent or if it should be rented from the florist.

If you want the chapel bells during the service, discuss the arrangements with him.

If you want a candlelight service, discuss the fire laws and regulations.

Will you need a canopy or carpet?

Is a prayer bench used in the service? If so, does the church provide it or must it be rented from the florist?

Does the church supply candelabra and tapers or must they be rented from the florist?

Does the service require that people stand during the cere­mony?

Question 49: What about the conference with the organist?

Answer: Make an appointment to see him in order to discuss the music for the ceremony. Everyone has his own taste in music and while his may be the best, it may differ from yours. Check to see that he will attend the rehearsal.

Question 50: What about the soloist or choir?

Answer: You should arrange to see the soloist and choir (if you are having one or both) about the same time that you see the or­ganist.

The Marriage License

Question 51: Does everyone have to have a marriage license?

Answer: Yes. It is a law in every state that you must have a license before you marry.

Question 52: How is the license obtained?

Answer: This must be issued in the state in which the marriage is to be consummated (you do not need a license from the state in which you live if you are to be married in another state).

The bride and groom go together to obtain the license.

Marriage licenses are obtained from the local Marriage Li­cense Bureau. In larger cities, this bureau is in the city clerk's office, in smaller communities in the town clerk's office. Follow­ing are the essentials in connection with obtaining the license:

Both the bride and the groom must have with them medical reports on their blood tests. The blood tests are required by most states. From the time the test is made, it will be valid for a period of about thirty days in most places. Usually it takes a few days to get the reports on the tests. Therefore you must be careful in timing—the tests cannot be made either too early, or too close to the wedding date.

Most states have minimum age laws before people can marry without consent of parents or legal guardians. If either of you happens to look under the age requirement, therefore, be sure to take your birth certificates with you in order to avoid delay. If you are under age, according to the laws of the state, you will need the written permission for your marriage from your par­ents or legal guardians.

In the case of divorce (either bride or groom, or both), the marriage license bureaus of most states will require presentation of the divorce papers. Also, you may have to apply for your license, in this event, in the same county as well as in the same state in which you are to be married.

If either or both are alien-born but have become citizens of this country, you must have proof of your citizenship with you.

If either or both are citizens of other countries, you must have proof of your identity, age, and citizenship. Your passports, in most cases, are sufficient.

Question 53: What is the fee for the marriage license?

Answer: From nothing in Puerto Rico to 4o¢ in the Virgin Islands to f 6 in Kentucky.

Members of the Wedding Party

Note: For general outline of responsibilities, see the beginning of this chapter. For information on costume and outfits, see "Wed­ding Clothes" in this chapter. For more details on rehearsal, ceremony and reception, see Chapter VII.

Question 54: Who are bridal attendants?

Answer: Matron or Matrons of Honor, Maid or Maids of Honor, Bridesmaids, Junior Bridesmaids, Maiden-of-honor, Flower Girl or Girls, Page Boys.

Question 55: What is the basis of choosing these attendants, and what are their duties?

Answer: Maid and/or Matron-of-Honor: A bride must have at least one honor attendant as witness and to sign the marriage license. There are some states in which witnesses are not required for the ceremony although the clergyman usually requests the pres­ence of at least two others in addition to the bride and groom. She may choose as her honor attendant her own sister, the groom's sister, or her own best friend. She may have two honor attendants, one maid and one matron, or both maids or both matrons. In large weddings there have sometimes been two maids-of-honor and two matrons-of-honor. This is certainly most unusual. Still another authority says that except at a very large wedding it is unusual to have both a maid and a matron-of-honor unless a bride has two sisters to honor or two equally close friends.

The bride makes her own choice of honor attendant or at­tendants and she, not her mother, issues the invitation. Usually a bride's oldest unmarried sister is the first choice for honor at­tendant unless there is a great difference in ages (either older or younger) between her and the bride. If this is so, and the bride has a married sister closer in age and feeling, she will probably invite her; or if all her sisters are married, she may have one or two for honor attendants. If she has only one matron of honor, she may, if she wishes, invite a close friend, a cousin or a sister-in-law to be an honor attendant. (She need not invite the groom's sister to be maid or matron of honor unless she is also a close friend.) It is not really suitable to have an unmarried maid-of-honor if all the bridesmaids happen to be young matrons, but this is done when the bride's sister is unmarried. For a large formal wedding, the honor attendant is usually near the bride's own age. For other than a very formal wedding, the bride's sis­ter who might be considerably older than she, or her mother might act as honor attendant. The matron-of-honor may be a widow but preferably not a divorcee.

The honor attendant is one of the busiest members of a bridal party. She is expected to attend all prenuptial parties. She fre­quently helps address invitations and announcements. She may be asked by the bride or her mother to work with a list in making important, last-minute telephone calls to various tradesmen, and in the case of a home reception checking on china, silver, linen. Sometimes she lays out the bride's wedding lingerie, hangs up her wedding gown and veil and checks to see if they need press­ing. She oversees the preparation of the bride's going-away clothes and makes sure that they are taken to the place of re­ception. She might also help with the listing of wedding gifts and their display. If the ceremony is also at home she is respon­sible for meeting the clergyman upon his arrival, showing him where to robe, and to help him in any way. She checks on the bridesmaids to see that they are all on hand when they should be, that they are costumed correctly, completely and identically. She knows where the last-minute supplies of needles, thread, safety pins, combs, hairpins, or powder, may be found.

One honor attendant is selected to assist the bride at the altar. The other does not have any special duties but stands immedi­ately next to the assisting honor attendant. In the processional, the one who is to attend the bride at the altar walks immediately in front of the bride and her father (unless there is a flower girl), either alone or with the other honor attendant. If the two are not paired off, the other honor attendant walks just behind the last of the bridesmaids and just in front of the officiating honor attendant. The one who assists the bride at the altar carries the groom's ring (if it is a double ring ceremony), holds the bride's bouquet during the ceremony (usually passes her own over to the other honor attendant or, if there isn't another one, to a bridesmaid), moves up to the altar with the bride and groom and best man for the marriage vows and blessing, and helps the bride turn back the blushing veil. If the bride and groom plan to kiss at the altar, the maid-of-honor waits until they have done this and have turned to face the guests. She then hands the bride her bouquet and, if there is a long train on the bridal gown, bends down and pulls it out of the way so that the bride and groom may begin the recessional. She next takes back her own bouquet if she has previously handed it to the other honor attendant or a bridesmaid, and follows the bride and groom down the aisle, either alone, or with the other honor attendant, if there is one, or with the best man, according to the way the recessional has been planned. One or both of the honor attendants never walk with a bridesmaid either in the processional or the recessional.

At the reception, the honor attendant stands in the receiving line on the groom's left (the bride is always on his right), and she is seated at his left at the bridal table. She dances with the groom, best man and ushers. After the bride has thrown her bouquet, the honor attendant goes with her to help her in changing to the going-away costume. Her final duty is to have the wedding gown and accessories returned from the reception place to the bride's home (or picked up by the cleaner the next day for heirloom process, according to instruction by the bride's mother).

Bridesmaids: The bride, not her mother, invites the brides­maids to participate in the wedding. Any wedding from the most formal to the most informal may be planned correctly without bridesmaids—only a maid or matron of honor is essential (as witness). The number of bridesmaids should be determined by the formality of the wedding planned (see types of weddings). They should be limited to relatives or very close friends. It is not considered good form to invite someone who is not a close friend to be a bridesmaid simply to enlarge a wedding party or to even up numbers. If the bride is having more than one at­tendant and the groom has a sister or sisters near her own age, she should invite them to be bridesmaids. The bride need not feel an obligation toward the groom's cousins or other relatives. And if she wants to limit the size of her wedding party and has sisters of her own, she may certainly include her own sisters in preference to his.

Occasionally a bride will ask the groom's sister to be a brides­maid; if he has no sister, his cousin; if no cousin, a close friend and this one is called the groom's bridesmaid.

Usually bridesmaids are near the bride's own age although they may be young matrons or widows (divorcees are not neces­sarily ruled out but are avoided). However if one of the bride's best friends happens to be more mature than her other friends, it is quite permissible to include her as a bridesmaid. It is, of course, unfortunate if a bride's near relatives, best friends and the groom's sister or relatives whom she feels she wants to in­vite to be bridesmaids are in a wide range of sizes and shapes be­cause of the difficulty in outfitting them in the same style of dress. But the bride must remember that her wedding party should include those close to her and that she selects her at­tendants on the basis of affection, regardless of size or shape. She is not, after all, organizing a chorus girls' parade.

Note: Members of the wedding party need not belong to the same church (or to any church) as the bride.

When the bridesmaids accept the invitation to be in the wedding, they must understand that they are expected to pay for their individual outfits which are selected, customarily, by the bride and her mother. Whether the bridesmaids personally like the style or the color of the chosen dress is beside the point. It is not at all compulsory to accept an invitation to be a brides­maid—it is entirely good form to decline. Today, because so many girls are working and buying their own clothes, there has arisen the notion that they are supposed to go in groups for the selection of the bridesmaids' dresses and "vote" on the selection. This is a grueling experience for everyone concerned. Only a miracle will induce several or more females to say sincerely that they all like one dress. Therefore, either some of the brides­maids must be diplomatic enough to give in to stronger minded ones, or there are tears and hard feelings. The bride and her mother can't possibly plan a harmonious wedding with several people of the opinion that it is their "right" to indicate per­sonal tastes in styles and colors. The bridesmaid who finds a par­ticular dress so repellent that she couldn't consider wearing it, shows better taste to think of some excuse to drop out of the wedding than to express her distaste for the outfit chosen and thereby upset the bride's plans and cause her unhappiness. Often the bride and her mother will select two possible styles and then ask the honor attendant and the bridesmaids who are available to try them on in order to see which is more becoming to the majority.

Bridesmaids haven't any particular function in the wedding other than to look as pretty as possible, to be as little trouble as possible, and to attend the bride during the ceremony which in­cludes walking in the processional and the recessional, standing in the receiving line and sitting at the bridal table during the reception. They dance with the groom, the best man, and the ushers. They should minimize the bride's problems in wedding planning by being responsible about the fittings of their outfits, cooperative toward the bride's wishes concerning the details of their outfits, to be everywhere they are supposed to be, and to be on time.

After accepting an invitation to participate in a wedding and plans have gone forward, a bridesmaid will drop out only for very serious reasons, of course. If one does drop out, the bride may or may not decide to replace her, as she wishes. It is awkward to ask someone who will realize that she is second choice. How­ever, a relative may be understanding about this and there are some friends who can be counted on to understand any situation.

The bride will, of course, plan where the bridesmaids are to dress for the wedding. If each is dressing at her own home, they usually meet at the bride's home where transportation is pro­vided to take them all to church. Otherwise, they all may dress at the bride's home, or in a hotel suite she may have provided. Occasionally there is a room provided by the church where the bride and her attendants may dress. Instructions in detail will be given the bridesmaids in advance. The bride's mother will arrange accommodations for all out of town bridesmaids. She may ask those who live in the same town to run errands, to as­sist the honor attendant with addressing invitations and an­nouncements. While these are customary duties which brides­maids expect, they are not requested of those who live out of town and arrive just before the wedding.

Note: It is a European custom to use children in the wedding as a symbol of fertility. A bride may be attended by several children of various ages, or she may have one child in a wedding party otherwise composed of adults.

Junior Bridesmaid or maiden-of-honor: Some member of the bride's family, or of the groom's, or the daughter of a very close friend who is too old to be a flower girl and too young to be a bridesmaid, is frequently a junior bridesmaid. She is usually be­tween the ages of ten and fourteen. In the procession, she walks in front of the bridesmaids, alone, unless there are two junior bridesmaids. Occasionally, in the case of the bride's sister, she acts as maiden-of-honor, in which event there is no other honor attendant. Usually such responsibility is delegated to a youngster closer to fourteen than to ten, and then only if the girl wants the role so very much that she can be trusted to fulfill her duties without mishap. If she is a maiden-of-honor and the bride has decided to pair off bridesmaids and ushers in the recessional, it is quite appealing to see the best man escort this teen-ager down the aisle. If she is a junior bridesmaid, one of the ushers may escort her back down the aisle if bridesmaids and ushers are paired off for the recessional. If she has acted as maiden-of-honor, she should stand in the receiving line on the groom's left, and sit at the bridal table also on his left. If she has been a junior bridesmaid she may or may not stand in the receiving line, depending upon whether she seems too tired and excited or not. A junior bridesmaid should give a wedding present. She may give a shower (with her mother as hostess) if desired. She attends all pre-nuptial parties except late evening ones. (See Chapter VI "Children in second marriages.")

Flower Girl: A flower girl (occasionally there may be two of them) should not be so young as to create a problem—between three and seven is the usual age (or if a child is not too tall she may be eight or nine). She walks in the processional behind the honor attendant, immediately preceding the bride and her father. If there is a ring-bearer, he usually walks just before the flower girl, between her and the maid-of-honor, or he may walk with her. The flower girl may carry a small bouquet or nosegay, and she should carry a small basket with rose petals because her function is to scatter rose petals in the bride's pathway. She may be taken out of the processional just before she reaches the chancel steps by someone designated in one of the front pews on the bride's side of the church and kept there during the cere­mony; or she may be instructed to follow the maid-of-honor to the chancel steps where one of the bridesmaids will take her by the hand and watch over her during the ceremony. In the re­cessional, she should be directed by the maid-of-honor down the aisle immediately following the bride and groom. If there is a ring-bearer, he may be paired off with her. Sometimes a maid-of-honor and the best man lead one or both children back down the aisle—this may be necessary if a child seems confused or over­excited and it gives a smoother feeling to the wedding than un­due delay caused when or if a child cannot understand what to do.

Flower girls usually do not stand in the receiving line. By all means they should not be kept up during the entire reception if they show signs of restiveness or fatigue. The child's mother should make previous arrangements to have her taken home and looked after in case the circumstances arise.

A cute little flower girl usually adds to the charm of a wedding —and loves it! Following the ceremony and the nuptial mass, one bride, escorted by her husband, the maid-of-honor and the best man, the flower girl and the ring-bearer, proceeds to the Rose­mary Altar, an altar to the left of the main altar in the church. The groom and best man wait mid-way while the bride and the maid-of-honor and the two children go on to the steps of the altar. The bride, kneeling, prays silently for a few moments. Afterwards she is escorted back to the waiting bridegroom and they lead the recessional.

Note: Parents are usually extremely honored when their child is in­vited to be a member of a wedding party.

Ring-Bearer: It should be recognized that little boys do not always behave as well as little girls. They do not enjoy dressing up and being fussed over as much. However, if there is to be a ring-bearer, he should be between three and six or seven (or eight or nine if he is small). He carries the bride's wedding ring (usually a substitute, the real one is in the best man's pocket) on a satin pil­low. Whether the real ring or not, it should be tied on the pillow with narrow white satin ribbons. If a substitute ring is given him, he may carry it tucked into a calla lily. He walks in the processional and recessional as described under "Flower Girl" if paired off with her, and his position should be on the right. When he reaches the chancel steps, he should assume a position to the right o£ the best man. After the betrothal, he moves up before the altar with the best man, holding his satin pillow even if the ring is a substitute. The best man makes a motion to remove the ring from the pillow at the appointed time. If the ring-bearer is too young to go through all o£ this procedure, he will be taken into the care of someone in one of the front pews before he reaches the chancel steps, or will be tended by one of the ushers during the ceremony, with no pretense of carrying through his function of providing the ring when the time comes. He, like the flower girl, does not stand in the receiving line and should not be kept at the reception if he becomes overtired and noisy.

If a small boy is being used in the wedding, every one respon­sible for him should be prepared to expect anything and be pre­pared to carry on in a composed manner if an emergency occurs. Things may happen when very small children are used in a wedding; one should be prepared and remain undismayed.

Page Boys (or train bearers): The function of a page boy is to carry the bride's train, but some people use them in weddings to walk up the aisle in front of the bride, with or without a flower girl. Since brides do not now often wear gowns with ex­tremely long court trains, page boys have almost become extinct in weddings. They should not be used to carry a train except in instances where the train is too long, elaborate or heavy for the bride to manage comfortably alone. One instance in contempo­rary times when page boys were required was at the wedding of Queen Elizabeth II (then Princess Elizabeth). The gown she wore required page boys and they were part of the pageantry of that kind of wedding.

Question 56: Who are the groom's attendants and what are their duties?

Answer: Compared with the bride, the groom has few kinds of at­tendants, but those he has have very important duties.

Junior Ushers: A boy too old to be a ring-bearer and too young to be an usher, may be a junior usher. It has been sug­gested that he might run the ribbons in front of the pews. For this procedure, see Chapter VII on Rehearsal.

Groomsman: Although rare, this word is defined in Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary as "attendant to a bridegroom." Web­ster's defines "groom" as a servant and under that heading classi­fies "groom" as the caretaker of the horses. However, "bride­groom" is listed separately and defined as a man newly married or about to be married. In popular usage, the two words, "groom" and "bridegroom" seem to be accepted as synonymous. "Groomsmen" seems to be the only word available to describe the male attendants in the wedding party to include the best man and ushers, junior ushers, ringbearer.

The best man is sometimes selected on the basis of age—a brother or friend who is near the same age as the groom. A bride­groom will, however, often ask his father, brother, or close friend, regardless of age difference. Whatever his age, the best man needs to be a responsible person. Since he is required to act as witness and sign the marriage license, he is truly indispen­sable. He may be married or single. If he is married, it is not necessary to invite his wife to be a bridal attendant although it is, of course, necessary to invite her to the wedding and the bridal dinner and other parties to which the best man is in­vited. However, his wife is not always asked to sit at the bridal table. This is optional.

The best man provides and wears the wedding attire suggested by the bridegroom—except the accessories (tie, gloves, spats and boutonniere) which are a gift from the groom. Following are the instructions for the best man:

He attends the rehearsal.

He takes complete charge of the bride's and groom's luggage, expressing any pieces if necessary and, when possible, takes im­mediate luggage to the hotel in advance of the bride and groom. Otherwise he deposits the luggage in the automobile or has it ready for a taxi. If the bride and groom are going to a hotel in the locality, he might register for them, order flowers and cham­pagne. He then gives the groom the keys and baggage checks that are needed.

He helps the groom pack and makes sure that the groom's going-away outfit is complete in every detail and ready at the close of the reception.

He makes certain that the ushers are ready and at the church in time (one hour before the ceremony for a formal wedding, forty-five minutes before a semiformal, and a half-hour before an informal).

He helps the groom dress for the ceremony. If he is wise he will be provided with extra collar buttons and studs, as these things seem to get lost when people are excited. It is his respon­sibility to check that he and the groom have their boutonnieres pinned in their lapels. In fact, when the dressing has been com­pleted, he should make a careful double check. At one fashion­able wedding the groom was standing at the chancel waiting for the bride when he discovered that he had forgotten to put on his dress shoes. He was married attired completely in formal morning clothes—and loafers!

He sees to it that the groom knows where the marriage license is.

 He takes from the groom the clergyman's fee, discreetly sealed in a white envelope, and hands it to the clergyman unob­trusively before or after the ceremony (preferably before).

Note: Occasionally the groom mails the fee in advance.

He carries the wedding ring in his waistcoat pocket or on his little finger (and often has a second one on his person in case he drops the first one or misplaces it).

A half-hour before the wedding, he accompanies the groom to the church, stands beside him in the vestry and, at the last moment, accompanies him to the altar. While waiting for the bride at the chancel steps, the groom removes his gloves and hands them to the best man.

He usually joins in the recessional. Sometimes it is planned that he will go out through the vestry, picking up the groom's hat and top coat and walking stick and meeting him at the front door of the church. If he is to join in the recessional, he will have placed his and the groom's hat and coat in the back of the church under the sexton's supervision before the ceremony. Nowadays, men do not use dress hats too frequently, seldom bother with a top coat over dress clothes even in winter, and al­most never use a walking stick. But these are all correct if the groom wishes to use them.

The best man does not stand in the receiving line. However, he may be asked to act as "announcer" at the head of the receiv­ing line. Otherwise, he circulates among the guests. During the reception, he may be asked to carry the Guest Book around to make sure that all guests have signed. (Some prefer to ask the maid-of-honor to do this.)

He offers the first toast to the bride and groom at the recep­tion. He may or may not be asked to read congratulatory tele­grams.

After the bride and groom have danced the first dance, the best man cuts in and dances with the bride. The bride's father will cut in on him and then he should dance with the bride's mother, the groom's mother, the honor attendant and, if he is married, with his own wife; then he should dance with the bridesmaids. (See Dancing, Chapter VII, for variations on this.)

When the bride and groom are ready to leave, he valets the groom. He checks to see that the groom has the marriage license, any passports or visas, tickets for traveling, that he has cash, in­cluding travelers' checks, and a good supply of change for tip­ping; that he has the keys for luggage. He takes any last minute bags or packages for both the bride and groom to the waiting automobile or cab (for which he has previously arranged). He alerts the bride's and the groom's parents and any other close relatives to excuse themselves from their guests at the reception to come upstairs to say good-bye to the young couple (who will dash down the stairway together and through the crowd of rice and rose-petal throwing guests to the waiting car. There will be no time for adieus at the front door).

The moment the bride and groom are ready to dash away from the reception, the best man leads them out and helps them into the car. There may be reason for him to drive them to the air­port or hotel.

Once the bride and groom have left, he may relax!

Before the evening is over, or the next day, he does have one more duty—to return the bridegroom's wedding clothes to his home or to the place of rental.

The ushers are chosen by the groom from among his brothers, relatives and close friends. He usually asks the bride's brother or brothers if the wedding party is to be large enough to include both her relatives and his. It is customary for the groom to ask the bride's brother to be an usher or, if she has no brother, a cousin. This one is called the bride's usher.

If the bridegroom's home is at a distance from the bride's, he might ask his father to be best man and choose the ushers from among the bride's friends. There should be one usher for every fifty guests. If a man is asked to be in a wedding as usher, it is practically unheard of for him to refuse except for a very good reason. Therefore, a bridegroom does not usually invite some­one to be an usher without first considering whether that person is closely enough connected with him to want to serve, and whether the circumstances are such that he can conveniently undertake the obligation. A very small wedding may be held without ushers. Ushers may be married or single—if married, it is not necessary to invite the wife to be a bridesmaid. The wife should of course be invited to the wedding and to any of the pre-nuptial or bridal parties to which her husband is invited. And at the reception she may or may not be asked to sit at the bridal table.

Before the wedding, ushers may or may not entertain the bride and groom, as desired. An usher, like the best man, provides and wears the wedding attire suggested by the bridegroom except that the accessories (tie, gloves, spats and boutonnieres) are a gift from the groom. The groom may appoint a head usher to make sure that all details go smoothly just before the ceremony—the groom and the best man, of course, will be waiting in the vestry and will not be in the back of the church before the wedding. The groom sometimes assigns certain ushers to each aisle. One usher, probably the head usher, notifies the groom of the bride's arrival at the church.

Ushers at a church wedding have certain duties described be­low. There may be special circumstances that will require vari­ations to the instructions (see Chapter VII on Rehearsal). The duties at a home, hotel, or garden wedding will be similar to those at a church wedding but may be qualified since formal seating is not always necessary. There may be circumstances whereby there are enough guests to require ushers for seating, but not enough space at the altar for the ushers to participate in the ceremony. In this event, the ushers function during the seating, then stand in the back behind the guests during the cere­mony. When a wedding is held somewhere other than in a church, there may be flower-trimmed standards joined with white satin ribbons to form the aisle for the processional and reces­sional, and the ushers may be asked to remove the ribbons, or possibly the standards, in order that guests may leave at the conclusion of the ceremony.

In general, the duties of the ushers are:

They attend the rehearsal.

Ushers arrive at the church (or place of ceremony) one hour before the ceremony if the wedding is formal, forty-five minutes before if semiformal, and a half-hour before if informal. They leave their hats and top coats in the vestry or at the back of the church. They wear gloves during the ushering and the entire ceremony except for semiformal or informal or summer wed­dings when the bridegroom may decide that gloves are not to be worn. The florist will be on hand to pin on the boutonnieres.

The ushers may wait on the left of the door within the church in order to be in a position to offer their right arms to each lady to escort her to a seat. (Under no circumstances are ushers to offer their left arms.) If a lady is accompanied by a gentleman, he follows a few steps behind her and the usher. If a lady is to be seated on the left side of the church, the usher still presents his right arm. When they reach the pew, he simply stands while she passes in front of him to her seat. Occasionally ushers stand with backs to the altar while guests are being seated. We believe this would be awkward. (It is true however that when the usher goes up the aisle to escort first the mother of the bride and then the mother of the groom out of church after the ceremony is over, he does have to stand with his back to the altar while she comes out of her pew to take his right arm.) If several women are in the party, the usher offers his arm to the eldest and the others follow behind and all are seated together. If there are two women together, the younger waits while the usher escorts the elder, then returns for the younger unless in the meantime an­other usher has escorted her. A child usually walks beside the parent who is being escorted. Young girls from twelve to sixteen may be escorted by an usher. A man alone is shown to his seat by the usher, but is not ushered in on his arm, of course, unless he is elderly or infirm. When two men arrive together, the usher walks down the aisle with the elder while the younger follows behind. (If there is room, they walk three abreast.) Ushers may converse with the guests as they walk down the aisle.

As he approaches each one, the usher should ask whether the guest is a friend of the bride or of the groom. The left side of the church (as we face the altar) is reserved for the bride's family and the right side for the groom's. However, if the groom's family lives so far away that the majority of his friends will not be able to attend the ushers will fill both sides of the church evenly. In cases where there are very special seating plans, the ushers will be given lists of names and pew numbers. These lists should be on 3 x 5 white index cards and arranged alphabetically. Actually, ushers will not be required to fumble around with lists too much because most guests will announce that they are expected to sit in reserved pew number so and so. Sometimes guests will present a pew card specifying a reserved section or a pew number. The first or second pew on the left and right sides of the church are reserved for the bride's and groom's parents, respectively, and usually no one else is seated with them. If grandmothers or other near relatives are to be seated there, the ushers must be told in advance. If the second pew is used for the parents, then the first is left empty. If a reserved seating arrangement has not been established, the ushers seat each guest in the order of ar­rival in pews immediately behind the parents. About five min­utes before the ceremony, the ushers stop seating guests until after the processional.

Two ushers are appointed by the bridegroom to escort the mothers down the aisle. The appointed usher escorts the mother of the groom down the aisle with the groom's father following a few paces behind. After that usher returns to the rear of the church, the other appointed usher escorts the mother of the bride to her seat in the first pew on the left. The seating of the bride's mother is the signal that the wedding procession is about to begin. No guests are seated after the mother of the bride has been seated. Usually the parents of the groom are seated, as described here, just before the bride's mother, but this custom is not considered so important as formerly. If they prefer to be seated earlier, this is permissible. After the usher who has es­corted the bride's mother returns to the rear of the church, two ushers, previously designated, walk down the aisle and pull back the pew ribbons (if they are being used). Then, two ushers, also previously designated, walk to the chancel steps and pull back the white aisle canvas (if one is being used). Then the ushers line up in the vestibule (according to instructions at the rehearsal) to be ready to walk down the aisle when the organ plays the wedding march. They take their appointed places be­fore the altar for the ceremony. Afterwards, they participate in the recessional as planned at the rehearsal. Immediately after the bridal party has reached the rear of the church, the usher appointed to seat the bride's mother goes down the aisle and escorts her out with the bride's father following a few steps be­hind. When they are about half-way up the aisle, the other usher who seated the groom's mother goes down the aisle and escorts her out with the groom's father following a few steps be­hind. If the wedding is a very formal one, several ushers will go back and escort special relatives and guests out of the reserved pews. Then the two ushers appointed to pull the ribbons before the ceremony will go forward, unfasten them and quickly pull them back. This must all be done rapidly as many guests do not understand that they are supposed to wait for this and will begin to pour out of the church from the side aisles. (Also, people al­ways seem impatient to get out right away after the ceremony.)

Ushers are taken to the place of the reception in automobiles with the bridesmaids. They do not stand in the receiving line. They should, however, be available for group pictures immedi­ately before the receiving line forms, and should leave on their gloves until after these pictures are taken.

The ushers are seated at the bridal table (if there is one). Otherwise, they make it their business to be available to stand around the bride and groom in a group for the best man's toast. After this, the ushers may or may not propose toasts to the bridal couple. After the bride has danced with the groom, the best man, and both fathers, the ushers then dance with her; they dance with the bridal attendants and both mothers. Throughout the entire reception, the ushers should make a special effort to see that the bridesmaids are attended and entertained. They form a group in the background behind the bridesmaids and un­married girls when the bride throws her bouquet. If the re­ception is not catered, the ushers help serve. They clear a path­way for the bride and groom before the honeymoon take-off (having previously checked to see that all guests have a supply of rose petals, rice or confetti to throw). They assist the best man with the luggage and the automobile. They avert any plots that come under the heading of "Just Married" jokes since these might cause embarrassment or discomfort to the bride and groom.

With the departure of the bride and groom, the ushers may completely relax, change from their dress clothes if they wish, take another drink, because their duties are over. Until that moment, their duties were not accomplished and they should not have left the reception for personal reasons of any kind, nor have changed from their wedding attire. (A more detailed ac­count of the procedure involved is given in Chapter VII on Rehearsal.)

Question 57: What is the participation of the parents of the bride (excluding the "giving away" of the bride by her father) at the ceremony and the reception?

Answer: The beginning of this chapter gives details of the financial and functional responsibilities of both sets of parents. Chapter VII gives correct procedure for everyone involved in the wedding party. The following points are discussed in more detail under each specific category. They are merely listed again here as "tips," because they contain important things for the parents to remember.

Bride's parents: Since they are host and hostess, they must see that every guest is introduced to the groom's parents.

It is necessary for them to attend the rehearsal.

They should be available for group pictures before the re­ceiving line begins.

Sometimes the bride's mother will pack a hamper of goodies for the bride and groom who are leaving by motor for their honeymoon. There is an electric coffeemaker available on the market that comes with cups and containers for instant coffee or tea. This is specially made for traveling, complete with a traveling case.

Question 58: What is the participation of the parents of the groom? Groom's parents: The groom's parents are important guests at the wedding. They should not attempt to direct or influence wedding planning but should cooperate with all plans and fol­low all suggestions and desires of the bride's family. They should dress according to the type of wedding attire planned for the other members of the wedding party. They should provide a guest list when requested by the bride's family and should limit it to the number o£ people designated. They should not make special requests for their relatives and friends, such as where they are to be seated unless they are asked for such suggestions by the bride's family. The bride's family will very likely ask their wishes for any special seating o£ their relatives and friends at the church and the reception.

The bridegroom's mother customarily gives the bride heir­loom jewelry as an engagement present and his parents give the silver tea service as a wedding present. Today, however, young couples often prefer a more practical present such as an item of household furnishing or a check. The bridegroom's mother should ask the bride or her mother about this. Also, if she has any items of her own household that she hoped to pass on to her son's wife, such as linens or furniture, she asks the bride if she would like to have them. If the bridegroom's parents live in an­other city, it is a good idea for them to register the bride's gift preferences with the local department store or jeweler so that friends and relatives of the groom's family can be guided in selecting presents for the young couple.

The groom's mother may graciously offer to give the bridal dinner.

The groom's parents may give a reception or small party in advance of the wedding for the purpose o£ introducing the bride's family to the groom's relatives and close friends.

If the groom's parents come from out of town, they are expected to provide their own traveling expenses. They or the bridegroom provide their own hotel accommodations unless the bride's family has made arrangements for them to stay with friends or relatives (this is entirely optional on the part of the bride's family and is not to be expected).

The groom's parents are not expected to send a formal reply to the engraved wedding invitations.

The groom's parents will have transportation to the church provided for them by the bride's parents. They should be ready on time (about a half-hour before the ceremony, depending upon the length of time it takes an automobile to get from their home to the place of the ceremony). They will also be transported from the ceremony to the place of the reception. They will be expected to get themselves home, although the bride's parents will very likely check with them on this and provide return transportation if necessary.

It is necessary for the parents of both the bride and groom to attend the rehearsal. Sometimes the groom's parents feel it unnecessary. However, they should be there because of special in­structions they need in order to minimize confusion on the day of the wedding.

The groom's parents should be available for group pictures before the receiving line forms.

Both mothers receive together—fathers optional.

If the reception is to be a sit-down meal, the bride's and groom's parents will very likely be seated at a special table.

When the dancing begins at the reception, the groom's father dances first with his own wife and then with the bride's mother and then with the bride.

During the reception, after the receiving is over, the best man's toast, the repast, the cutting of the cake, and the dancing has begun, the groom's parents are free to leave the table to circulate among the guests who are their friends.

The groom's parents should stay through the reception until the bride and groom leave.

After the wedding, the groom's mother customarily writes a cordial note to the bride's mother telling her what a beautiful wedding it was and how much his parents and their friends and relatives enjoyed everything.

Wedding Clothes

Note: For guests' attire, see Chapter X on The Wedding Guest, which includes relatives of the bride and groom.

Question 59: What governs the degree of formality for dress for a wedding party?

Answer: Many feel that the formality of the men's clothing depends on whether the bride's gown has or has not a train; some that it depends on whether she does or does not wear a veil. It must be confusing to know what to decide. From years of experience in outfitting weddings it seems to us that the bride's outfit, in­cluding the length of train and veil, the number of guests, the formality of the wedding plans made by the bride's family (see formal, semiformal and informal weddings under Types of Weddings in this chapter) the season of the year and the time of day, set the degree of formality for the rest of the wedding party.

Question 6o: What are the requirements of the bride's gown in the various kinds of weddings?

Answer: Following is a scaled description:

Bride
Formal               Semiformal                      Informal

Formal—Daytime (before 6:00 p.m.)—("Daytime" can some­times mean up to 7:00 p.m.)

The wedding dress may be full length with a train, or floor length. Today, brides are also wearing intermission- and waltz-length gowns for formal weddings For a formal wedding, the gown, if short, would be much more elaborate than the usual short dress. For daytime, the neckline should not be too décolleté. Sleeves may be short, three-quarter or full length, with a point to the ring finger. Skirts may be very bouffant (hooped), sheaths, or variations between. A gown should be more covered for a morning Nuptial Mass than for an afternoon wedding (check with the clergyman—some faiths have regulations on the degree of décolleté for bridal gowns). Gowns may be period style or modern. A wedding gown used to be styled traditionally, but it can now be the latest word in current styles. Modern brides are wearing shorter trains on their gowns. They also do not want to carry trains over their arms during receptions. A new method has been devised called "bustling the train." Tapes are sewed on the inside seams of the train in five places. After the ceremony is over, before she enters the receiving line, the bride goes to the dressing room where her maid of honor ties the tapes up in her gown and "bustles the train." This arrangement makes the gown floor length in back as well as front and she can move around easily during the reception. (Before deciding to have a very long train on her gown, the bride should check that there is room at the altar for it.)

In a formal rectory wedding (which is often held when a Protestant and a Roman Catholic marry) there should not be a train on the bride's gown even though the reception following the ceremony is large and formal. In other respects, the attire may be as formal as desired. A train is entirely correct for a garden wedding, especially if a white carpet is used.

In countries where many o£ the older generation adhere to traditional dress while those o£ the younger generation adopt Western styles (such as Japan), there is occasionally the question o£ what is correct. Many times in the highest circles one will find the bride attired in her traditional ceremonial Kimono for the wedding, while her attendants, the groom and his at­tendants wear completely Western costumes. A bride should by all means wear her traditional robes if the custom means a great deal to her or to her parents. The effect can only be one o£ charm and dignity.

Fabrics for the bridal gown: satin, tulle, lace, peau-de-soie, brocade and moire, taffeta, velvet or velveteen, cotton, sheer wool, chiffon, crepe, mousseline-de-soie—the choice depends upon the season and styling o£ the gown, as well as the bride's taste. Rayons and synthetics also may be used.

Color: White (the symbol of virginity) is the favorite; off white, light ivory, candlelight, antique, blush pink, ice blue, pale yellow or pale green. Shades of ivory are especially considered if a real lace veil is to be matched. Pastels are used mostly £or brides to whom white is not becoming. (There is, however, a superstition that yellow denotes jealousy and green brings bad luck.)

When the style o£ her wedding gown is being considered, the bride should remember that the back is most important. In the front, she has her own pretty face and a bouquet of lovely flowers. But guests look at the back of her gown at least twenty minutes during the ceremony. Back interest should therefore be thought of—lace insertions, buttons and loops (supposed to bring good luck), or interesting draping.

Trimmings: the less trimming the better, since the bride will wear a veil and carry flowers—and will feel quite done up in all white anyway. However lace is a favorite trimming and may be combined with any other material—it has even been used on cotton. Chantilly lace or Alencon lace from France, or heirloom lace. Lace should either be of fine quality—or not used at all. Seed pearls are great favorites. Some people like bugle beads and sequins, but they should be used sparingly. White mink or ermine is an effective trimming in winter on satin, velvet or sheer wool.

Note: There is a superstition among some peoples that pearls worn for a wedding mean tears. However, very few people pay any attention to this and pearls remain a tradition for brides.

Gloves: these are optional. If the sleeves of a gown are short, above the elbow kid gloves are suggested for formal church weddings. With three-quarter sleeves or long sleeves, one should wear short kid gloves for costume effect. If worn, gloves should be left on during the ceremony. The ring finger of the left glove should be ripped in the seams and tucked in in advance in order to have the ring finger exposed to receive the ring. If she does wear gloves, the bride may wear her engagement ring on her right hand under her glove for the ceremony and change it back to the left hand, on top of the wedding ring, before the reception. Kid gloves are always white even if the gown is of a pastel shade.

Bridal veil: this consists of a headdress—a queen's crown or a Juliet cap, a pill-box or wreath. These may be made of lace, the fabric of the gown, or orange blossoms—artificial ones imported from Europe are best since they hold up well. Brides often use those from their mother's wedding gown or veil. Headdresses are also made of pearls or tulle. The veil may be short (it must be for a short gown), fingertip length, three-quarter length (falling into the folds of the train), or full length (one yard longer than the train of the gown). It is usually made of silk bridal illusion imported from England or France. Fingertip length became popular during World War I and World War II when fabrics were in short supply. Now they have been adapted as a trend. For an elaborate formal wedding gown there really is not any veil as correct as a full length one. Veils are "the stuff that dreams are made on." Nothing looks quite so right as a bride coming down the aisle floating in a cloud of tulle. The edges of the tulle should be cut, never rolled.

There are times when a bride will want to wear a headdress without any veil, and this is her choice and is correct. It has also been said that a bride may go to the altar bareheaded but this is extremely rare. Most veils are made in a circle, or several circles that cascade down the back. One of the circles may be thrown over her headdress so that it falls over her face and reaches the top of her bouquet in front. This is the "blushing veil." (In all faiths except the Jewish, it is optional whether the bride wears the blushing veil. However many of them want to because they say it gives them confidence.) The maid-of-honor, the clergyman and the groom all help to turn it back at the altar when the time comes. If the bride has a veil designed that does not lend itself to one of the circles of tulle being turned over her face, and if she is of the Jewish faith and must wear a face veil, then an extra piece of veil is basted or pinned to the front of her head­dress for the ceremony. This may be unpinned by the maid-of-honor at the altar, but it is usually simply turned back until the bride reaches the rear of the church. The headdress should be pinned on securely with many concealed bobby pins and hair pins. Sometimes the veil catches on flower decorations on the way down the aisle, and this could cause the whole headdress to slip sideways. If it does not actually slip, it makes the bride so nervous that she holds her head at an awkward angle.

Real lace, especially family heirloom, makes the bridal veil. Real Venetian point, rose point, Irish lace, Bruges lace (similar to Duchess lace). Alençon, Valenciennes are some of the choice laces. It is always old lace because it is not made any more— therefore it must be handed down in the family or purchased from an auction or department store (they buy from estates closing out) and it costs a great deal of money. It is as valuable as fine diamonds. Incidentally, real lace may be used on any dress which a girl is to wear to be married in—even an informal street dress or suit may have a real lace collar. It is traditionally bridal.

Both the headdress and the veil are worn not only for the ceremony but all through the reception.

Shoes: A shell pump of satin or any other material that comes in white or will be dyed to match if the bride is wearing a soft pastel. Open toed sandals are not correct. Heels should be of comfortable height, whatever the bride is accustomed to wearing (she will be on her feet a great number of hours and should be as comfortable as possible). A cluster of artificial orange blossoms may be sewed on the toes. (A new bridal shoe recently shown is of white satin with a blue satin heel.)

A bridal bouquet is carried or a prayer book, either with or without an orchid or other flowers. (See discussion of flowers.)

Jewelry: usually a single strand of seed pearls—but no ear­rings. Real jewelry may be worn if received as a gift from the groom or parents, or if it is an heirloom piece (which, of course, might include earrings). And the engagement ring, of course. But no other jewelry.

Wraps: a stole or a white cape.

Underpinnings: A strapless brassiere and waist cincher. Hoops, crinolines, panniers, petticoats according to the requirements of the gown. The top petticoat, the one that shows when the train of the gown is lifted, should be a pretty one with a lace flounce around the bottom (it does not need to be the most expensive lace) and blue satin bows. All underpinnings should be fitted according to the style of the dress. Advice will be given by experts in the shop where the gown is purchased.

Hose—champagne colored evening hose, never white.

Make-up: it should be as similar as possible to the bride's usual make-up. Lipstick does not have to be so light that the bride looks pale. Nail polish should not be too brilliant a shade. Hair-do should be the bride's usual one. A strange, new hair-do might flop or otherwise act in an unexpected way the day of the wedding and cause the bride distress. She should wear her favorite perfume according to the season of the year. She does not need to buy any special kind labelled "bride's perfume"— there are such on the market—which may not be as agreeable to her personality as the one she has tried and found good. She should have a white evening bag to carry her compact and lip­stick and comb. Her bridal handkerchief may be slipped into the long sleeve of the gown, or, if she is wearing short sleeves, she should keep it in her bag (which will be left in the care of some­one in the back of the church). In this event, the maid-of-honor should carry one for her, because sometimes a bride gets tears in her eyes at the altar. And above all, she should wear "something old"—perhaps her mother's wedding handkerchief, "something new"—her gown and veil; "something borrowed,"—perhaps one of her crinoline skirts; "something blue"—blue satin bows on her petticoat or a blue satin garter; "And a silver sixpence in her shoe"—some shops or photographers give brides a silver sixpence from England as a present which they can slip under the lining of the sole of the bridal slipper. There is also a four-leaf clover which may be used, or some brides, lacking either of the above, slip in a new dime which some friend or member of the family gives for good luck.

Sometimes a bride may want to wear her mother's or  randmother's wedding gown. Shops today will redesign the gown or fit it or both (for a charge); they will press and deliver it. Whether or not she is to wear this gown should be the bride's choice. She should not be made to feel obligated to wear it by sentimental, unthinking relatives.

There is a process whereby the wedding gown can be cleaned after the wedding and treated to protect it from rot, rust, insects, or discoloring, and sealed in an airtight box. This process is guaranteed. Any reputable cleaner in any large city will know of this process: it is called the Heirloom Process or the Keepsake Process. Or, if the bride is not too sentimental about keeping her gown and perhaps has no room to store it, she may have it redesigned into an evening dress at the store where she purchased it.

Sometimes friends borrow wedding gowns from each other. The only thing against this is that the one borrowing it assumes a greater responsibility than she can possibly realize. If anything happens to it, it is impossible to replace or pay for it because it has great sentimental value to the first bride who wore it in her wedding. Nor does the practice of renting a bridal gown work very well. It is true that there are such rental establishments, but one does not hear of many brides using the service. What a girl wears for her wedding day is such a personal thing and of such importance that a rented gown seems less than the perfection her heart desires. Most brides prefer to buy their own gowns even if their incomes dictate a most inexpensive one—it is still theirs!

In the early American period for many years after, when an engagement was announced, the bride-to-be, her mother, grand­mother, sisters and friends began sewing on the wedding gown. No one had ever heard of going in a shop to try on gowns and ordering or buying out of stock. There are still many places in the world not equipped with shops stocked with bridal gowns for girls to try on. Many brides still do their own sewing or have dressmakers who do it. But there are magazines to read and patterns to buy for style and directions—so these young women are better off than they used to be. And many of them who live away from big cities can write and order a gown from a picture.

Formal—Evening (6:00 p.m. or after)

In general, exactly the same instructions may be followed as for a formal daytime wedding except that the bridal gown may be more elaborate and more décolleté (except for some faiths).

Semiformal—Daytime or Evening

For a semiformal wedding, the bride's outfit may be floor length, or with a chapel sweep, or short. All accessories and arrangements are the same as for a formal wedding.

Informal—Daytime or Evening

The bridal dress may be floor or street length, white or colors, with suitable accessories. A bride being married for the first time wears a short veil with an informal dress so long as it is not a street dress or suit. Sometimes the bride is married in her going away suit and hat. It is a mistake to think that it is easier to find an informal dress to be married in or that such a one is less expensive than a formal gown. It is, in fact, harder to find a suit­able informal one because a bride wants it to look important and special enough to be married in and yet not too fussy. Such dresses are specially hard to find in white or pastel shades. While a satin wedding gown with a train can be purchased for as little as forty or fifty dollars, an unusual short dress is likely to be priced much higher. Any fabric is suitable, according to the season. Shoes should be dyed to match unless the bride wears a suit. A corsage may be worn or a small bouquet carried. Jewelry should be conservative—pearls or real jewelry the best. Rhine­stones or sparkly jewelry are not recommended. (For special regulations see special weddings.) For a civil ceremony in her own home, the bride may be married bareheaded.

Note: A special caution to brides concerning their wedding gowns and the wedding clothes of their attendants: plan where every­one is to dress. Have a fitter, a bridal consultant, a friend or a relative on hand to help the women dress. Have supplies of pins, hair pins, bobby pins, combs, brushes, and powder on hand. (This is the time a deodorant is surely needed by everyone.) Arrange to have last minute pressing, and any necessary sewing if buttons drop off or zippers jam.

Question 61: What are the requirements for the bridal attendants' clothes in the various kinds of weddings?

Answer: Following is a scaled description:

Bridal Attendants

Formal                   Semiformal Informal

Formal—Daytime or Evening

The dresses may be waltz, intermission or floor length. If the bride's gown is short, the attendants' dresses must be short also. However, theirs may be short when the bride's is long with a train. The attendants' dresses should resemble dressy afternoon or cocktail dresses or evening gowns (except less décolleté). Bridesmaids' dresses used to be styled like house-coats and were suitable to wear only for the wedding pageant. Now their styling is equal to any smart dress and they are usually wearable after the wedding. The more tailored, simpler ones are used for day weddings, the more décolleté, fussier ones for evening. They may have short, three-quarter or long sleeves—as long as the shoulders are covered and the neckline is not too low front or back. As in the bridal gown, the style of the back of the at­tendants' dresses is important; a bow at the neckline in the back with streamers to the floor; a contrasting shade set in as a panel from the waist to the hem; a back drape—anything that lends back interest is good because guests look at the back of the girls' dresses while they stand at the altar during the ceremony. It is important that the dresses be styled to harmonize with the bride's costume. The bridesmaids usually all have one style while the honor attendant may wear the same style in a different color, or a different style and color, so long as her costume harmonizes with theirs. A more important gown is usually selected for a single attendant than where there are a number of attendants. With three or more attendants dressed alike, the dresses should be simpler, and increasingly so as the number of attendants increases. Since each girl customarily pays for her own outfit, the bride and her mother should exercise discretion in selecting the gowns for the attendants—unless the group of girls is so wealthy that it couldn't possibly make any difference. If girls are accustomed to wearing expensive dresses, they will not appreciate being asked to wear too inexpensive a dress; the bride may not be doing them a favor to try to save money for them if the dress selected is cut too poorly to suit their tastes.

If the bride's family can afford to do so, they may pay for all the attendants' dresses, but this is not often done. If the bride knows that one girl really cannot afford to pay for her dress, the bride's family may pay part on all dresses rather than embarrass the one girl by paying for hers and not for the others. The bride's family often keep the headdresses and gloves.

As for the styling and fitting: for waltz length, 13 inches from the floor is average (the length of any dress should be altered to fit the particular girl who is to wear it). Of course floor length dresses offer no problems in this respect. There is a trend to gown all attendants, including the honor attendant, in the same color —even when there are as many as six. When there are more than six it is better to break up the sequence with a harmonizing color for the honor attendant or attendants. "Shaded" weddings (the attendants' gowns being different shades or tones of the same color) should be considered carefully before decided upon. The effect may be lost at the altar and the dresses look as though they just miss matching. One should remember that many guests seem to be slightly color blind—what you saw as a delicious shade of muted yellow, will appear pink to some of the guests. Lighting at the altar is not like stage lighting, and the attendants are not always in position to be seen in relation to each other. Dresses, hats or headdresses, and shoes should all be one color with the flowers in the bouquets the contrasting, harmonizing colors.

Headdresses should match the dresses, or fresh flowers in the hair should match the bridesmaids' bouquets. Big horsehair hats are not too effective after 6:00 p.m. Short tulles and moulines are used on bridesmaids' headdresses, but never with too long a veil. Bridesmaids really should wear some little headdress or arrangement when they stand at the altar—bareheaded brides­maids do not look quite appropriate.

Shoes: These should be a shell pump, never an open toed sandal. They may be of any material that will dye to match dresses. It is important that all the shoes be dyed to match at the same time, otherwise the color is bound to vary a little which gives the effect of not matching.

Gloves are optional, although some consider them a "must" for bridesmaids. Above elbow white kid gloves are stunning for a formal evening wedding if the girls are wearing short sleeved dresses (kid gloves should never be anything but white). Above elbow jersey gloves may be dyed to match the costumes, but this is apt to look theatrical, so be careful. Gloves may be made of the same fabric as the dresses. While this is most effective, it is also the most expensive. Short or long mitts have gone out of style completely. Short white kid gloves with a single button are the best taste whether sleeves o£ dresses are short, three-quarter or long. The bridesmaids should keep their gloves on throughout the ceremony and the receiving line. They remove them only when food is served to them.

Bouquets: always o£ fresh flowers, they tie in with the color schemes of dresses. (See "Flowers")

Jewelry: may be a single strand o£ seed pearls and pearl button ear rings—i£ the bride so designates. O£ course the bride may give each o£ her bridesmaids a piece of jewelry as their gift. In this case, they may wear that. They must all wear the same thing, except the honor attendant who might wear something different. But they wear no other jewelry except engagement and/or wedding rings.

Make-up and accessories are the same as for any evening or dressy afternoon gowns.

Semiformal—Daytime or Evening.

Exactly the same suggestions as for the formal weddings except that the entire costume should be "dressed down" and keyed to the bride's gown.

Informal—Daytime or Evening.

Dresses should be the same length as the bride's. The fabric and style do not have to be the same as the bride's, but should be similar enough to be appropriate. (If the bride wears a suit, the attendants do, also.) If there are only two attendants, their costumes should match each other's in fabric and style. They should be conservative in their choice of jewelry and have suit­able accessories. They may carry bouquets, though not elaborate ones.

Question 62: What are the dress requirements for the men in the
various types of weddings?

Answer: Following is a scaled description:

Groom, Best Man, Ushers, Both Fathers

Formal               Semiformal               Informal

Formal—Daytime (before 6:00 p.m.)—Fall, Winter—Spring

Oxford gray cutaway coat with plain edges, striped gray

worsted trousers, pleated white shirt with a starched collar

(turned down or wing), gray, small patterned ascot tie (which is worn only with a wing collar); otherwise, a four-in-hand or bow tie (worn with a turned down collar); gray gloves—or buff; gloves (preferably suede) match the waistcoat, except when that is dark to match the cutaway; double- or single-breasted waist­coat, gray or buff, or to match the cutaway; black calf straight-tip shoes, high silk hat, white linen or silk handkerchief.

If kneeling is part of the wedding ceremony, the groom should have a shoemaker blacken the soles of his shoes in order to make them inconspicuous. The blackening should be one that will not rub off on rugs and floors in the wearing. Of course, if there is no kneeling, he need not bother with this detail.

High silk hats are optional. Except in diplomatic circles or for very lavish formal weddings, men are refusing to wear hats. The only time the hats are seen is when the men are leaving the church after the ceremony and until they reach the reception, when hats are naturally checked. If the bride or groom or their families are famous and will be photographed while entering the church or leaving it, high silk hats should be part of the men's attire. But the average young man for the average wedding will have no part of a high silk hat—he prefers to go bareheaded. Spats are optional—they look well for a very formal daytime wed­ding with waistcoat and gloves matching. It is correct for a man to carry with this outfit a plain or crooked malacca cane, al­though not many of them do in these days. Other accessories in­clude white braces, black socks, white studs and a pearl stick pin (for ascot tie).

Gloves are always worn by all men in the wedding party at a formal wedding, either daytime or evening. Gloves are not worn when men wear business suits or summer suits. The groom re­moves his gloves and hands them to the best man while they are standing at the chancel steps waiting for the bridal party. The best man removes his right glove during the first part of the marriage service so that he will be prepared to hand the wed­ding ring to the clergyman when asked. Ushers keep their gloves on while they are seating guests and during the ceremony.

Boutonnieres: the groom's is usually a sprig from the bride's bouquet, such as lily of the valley. If her bouquet is of calla lilies or other flowers too large to be suitable for his boutonniere, he will then wear some other small flower, such as stephanotis or white violets. The best man and both fathers wear gardenias; the ushers, carnations.

The groom, best man, ushers and both fathers should all dress alike, but not necessarily the same in details. A wing col­lar worn with a cutaway today at a wedding should be worn only by the groom and the best man. This is a possible variation for the men. Occasionally all the men in the wedding party wear wing collars with cutaways. Sometimes, the groom and best man wear cutaways while the ushers wear sack coats. If one father or the other is heavy set and does not look well in a youthful sack coat, he might wear a cutaway which he happens to own, even if the others are in sack coats.

Neckwear of ushers should be uniform. That of the best man and groom may be slightly different. If dark vests to match cut­aways are worn, light gloves must be worn and spats should match gloves. Sometimes best man and groom wear light vests and ushers dark vests—other times they are all alike with vests, but differentiation is shown in neckwear and boutonnieres.

Striped trousers need not be identical as to size of stripes. In fact, the cut of each jacket should show the individuality of the man wearing it. Otherwise the men will look as though they had been dressed for a stage show.

Men in the wedding party should follow, without question or discussion, the request of the groom concerning the kind of clothes to wear. Similarly, the groom should accept the decision of the bride's family on the degree of formality or informality for the wedding plans and should conform without question. The men's attire is based on the formality or informality of the wed­ding as planned by the bride's family, and these plans should be followed exactly by every male member of the wedding party. There are some who say that because the bridegroom's father is not a part of the ceremony it is not important that he conform to the dress of the others. However, he usually stands in the receiving line and is included in the pictures of the group as well as in other pictures of the bride, groom, both mothers and both fathers. He is an important person of the day and will be intro­duced to all the guests as the groom's father. For these reasons it is recommended that he be dressed in keeping with the other men in the wedding party.

Formal—Daytime (before 6.00 p.m.) Summer: (4th of July to Labor Day—some move the date to Decoration Day). All white suit (linen, silk or gabardine), or white sack jacket with blue trousers; white shirt with a stiff collar, blue and white tie, straw hat, plain white buckskin shoes, white handkerchief; gloves omitted.

The above recommendations are for some sections of the country, and particularly for smaller cities and suburbs. In a metropolitan area where there is air conditioning, it is sug­gested that the cutaway outfit in the lighter weight material be used for a formal summer daytime wedding, with natural or white linen vest and spats and gloves to match.

Boutonnieres are usually white, even on a white jacket, and pocket handkerchiefs are white. Boutonnieres should always be of fresh flowers, never any kind of artificial flower.

Formal Summer Garden Wedding: bluish-gray sack jacket, or dark blue, and white flannel slacks, or all white suits; white shirt, stiff collar, striped tie, black or white shoes, unless an all white suit is worn, in which case the shoes must be white; white handkerchief; spats and gloves omitted.

Boutonnieres are white for a formal garden wedding; blue bachelor buttons may be used for a semiformal or informal one.

Note: No summer wedding has the same degree of formality as one in the late fall, winter, or early spring. Any summer wedding ac­tually should be classified as semiformal.

Formal—Evening (after 6:00 p.m.), in fall, winter, spring. Midnight blue tailcoat and trousers, white starched pique shirt —wing collar; white bow tie, single breasted waistcoat of white pique, pearl studs and links, white gloves, white silk or linen handkerchief, silk hat, black socks, black patent leather shoes, white silk muffler, white braces, black or blue overcoat (might be chesterfield style), summer (4th of July to Labor Day) (or Decoration Day to Labor Day), white dinner jacket, single or double breasted, and midnight blue dress trousers, dark blue or black tie, white dress shirt with black or blue studs (folded down collar), black socks, black calf straight tip shoes, or brushed leather shoes of dark blue, cummerbund optional, Milan or Panama hat, boutonnieres the same as for formal daytime.

Semiformal—Daytime (until 6:00 p.m.) for fall, winter, spring. Oxford gray stroller coat, striped trousers, gray double-breasted waistcoat, four-in-hand tie or bow tie, white turned down col­lar shirt, plain to black calf shoes, black socks, gray suede or mocha gloves optional, black or gray homburg hat, pearl stick pin optional, gold, pearl or stone studs and links, topcoat as for formal wedding.

Sometimes cutaway and accessories are worn for semiformal daytime weddings as well as for formal daytime weddings.

Semiformal—Summer, Daytime: Same as for formal summer daytime wedding, boutonnieres same as for formal wedding.

Semiformal—Evening (after 6.00 p.m.), in fall, winter, spring: Midnight blue lightweight tuxedo, single or double breasted, white dress shirt with fold collar, dark blue bow tie, black studs and cuff links, midnight blue homburg hat, black socks, black patent leather shoes, cummerbund optional, gloves optional, topcoat as for formal wedding.

Summer: Same as above or white dinner jacket and accessories as for formal summer evening wedding.

Note: It would seem, practically, that there is no technical classifi­cation in men's attire for semiformal daytime weddings. Classi­fication for daytime—formal or informal; evening—formal, semiformal or informal. The white dinner jacket is classified as correct for formal or semiformal wear after 6:00 p.m. in summer. However, one manufacturer of men's formal wear recommends the white dinner jacket for formal weddings in spring and summer. It is true that in the summer, a daytime wedding would not be considered formal. There seems to be confusion on the subject of wearing the white dinner jacket to weddings before 6:00 p.m. But it is being done by many men in many weddings. Technically, white dinner jackets are classified as evening clothes —therefore they cannot possibly be worn correctly before 6:00 p.m. Since they have been gleefully adopted by young men as the best way out when dress clothes are required, regardless of the time of day, they are going to appear at daytime weddings no matter what the books say.

And there is this problem to be considered: for a formal or semiformal summer wedding in the daytime, tradition recom­mends all white suits, or light, sack, cloth jackets and dark trousers, or blue, sack, cloth jackets and light trousers. Men do not usually own such combinations of clothes, they cannot be rented, nor are they easy to buy. The all white suit is easier to find than the white, sack, cloth jackets or dark blue, sack, cloth jackets with contrasting trousers. If a man buys a white suit, he can wear it again—therefore, this seems the best solution. Even this solution needs to be qualified for the white suit is not really right in a big city in an air-conditioned hotel. In these circum­stances, the men will look better if they adopt the dark sack coat with gray striped trousers and white vests (the suits can be made of lightweight worsted).

Informal—Daytime (before 6:00 p.m.), in fall, winter, spring. The Oxford gray stroller (or sack coat) and striped trousers (but it would only be suitable for a dressed-up informal wedding).

Accessories as described above.

The best usage is really a dark blue business suit, although some recommend dark gray suits. The suit, of either color, should be plain without checks or pin stripes. All the men do not have to wear the same material or cut so long as they all wear either dark blue or dark gray. White shirt with turned down collar.

Silk tie, either four-in-hand or bow, dark blue or black, which may have a small white pin stripe or dot, dark blue or black socks, black straight-tip shoes, white linen handkerchief, dark hat—smooth finish, or black Homburg, or gray felt.

Note: When the wedding is the bride's second and she therefore wears a short dress and hat because it is not correct for her to be married the second time in full wedding finery, the men may wear cutaways if they wish. This is because the bride dresses in­formally not by choice but by social decree. In these circum­stances an informal wedding may be more elaborate than usual.

Summer: Dark blue business suit of imported Italian silk or hot weather fabric and accessories, as for daytime listed above (except hat may be summer weight). This costume is suggested for weddings in the city.

All white suit, or light sack jacket with dark trousers, or dark blue sack jacket with white flannel trousers. Accessories as listed above, and panama or straw hat, white buckskin shoes, white handkerchief, boutonnieres. This costume is better for suburbs or small communities.
Informal Evening—(after 6:00 p.m.) in fall, winter, spring. Dark tuxedo and accessories if it is a dressed-up informal wed­ding. (One authority says it is never correct to wear a dinner jacket in church. I assume this does not apply to the men in the wedding party because they certainly do wear them.)

Otherwise dark blue business suit and accessories as described for informal daytime. (Gray is considered by some to be equally correct.) Boutonnieres.

Summer:

White dinner jacket and accessories if it is a dressed-up in­formal wedding, otherwise dark blue business suit and acces­sories as described in Informal Daytime for Summer (or gray); boutonnieres.

Note: For a ceremony as informal as a civil service at City Hall, the bridegroom and best man usually wear plain dark suits, but if they do not have these, they may wear any business suit that is conservative in coloring. They do not have to be dressed alike.

Since modern men do not have the need for formal clothes that men of an older generation had, it is customary to rent dress clothes for weddings. There are firms in every city which offer this service. The garments are always cleaned between wearings, and the suits are altered to fit the individuals, and pressed before delivery. Suits, hats and vests may be rented. Each man provides his own shirt, studs, braces, socks and shoes. The bride­groom provides ties, gloves, spats and boutonnieres. The rental of the suits is reasonable. The drawback is that cutaways and stroller coats offered by rental firms often are made with shiny braid trim around the edges of the lapels—a most unattractive styling. A man who is going to rent his dress clothes should pro­vide himself with clippings from magazines or books and take them with him when ordering.

It is a good plan for the groom, about a month in advance of the wedding, to drop a note to each of his groomsmen with a listing of the clothes they are to wear for the wedding, as out­lined above according to the type of wedding. He should men­tion which of the accessories he will provide. He should specify that the cuffs of the shirts are to show either three-quarters of an inch or one-half an inch, as he prefers, below the suit jacket. He should also include in the note the date and time of the wedding rehearsal and of the wedding, and the time the men are expected to be at the church, as well as the name and address of the church or place of ceremony.

Question 63: What are the dress requirements for the children who participate in a wedding?

Answer: Following are the traditions established in the various roles in weddings which are filled by children.

Junior bridesmaid or maiden-of-honor: they are usually dressed in a modified version of the style of the other attendants. A junior bridesmaid's dress should be as close as possible to the style, fabric and color of the other bridal attendants for suita­bility for one of her age. A maiden-of-honor's dress may be a dif­ferent style and color from the other bridal attendants', so long as it harmonizes with theirs. If the junior bridesmaid or maiden-of-honor is very young, her dress may be more suitably ankle length than floor length—unless all the attendants' dresses are short. If she is not too young, she usually wears a little make-up. If she is too young to wear heels, she should wear ballet slippers dyed to match her dress; otherwise she wears the strapped slippers of the type worn in dancing schools. If too young to wear nylons, she may wear socks. Her headdress may be similar to the others, or simplified if the others seem too sophisticated, and it should match her dress. She may wear short, wrist length white kid gloves, otherwise none (never long gloves or mitts). She carries a small bouquet, similar to the others. She seldom wears jewelry, but if it is worn it should be simple and there should be very little of it.

Flower girl: she may be dressed in a long dress (ankle length) which is a miniature of the bridal gown, or to match the style and color of the honor attendant's (if the others are wearing long dresses). Otherwise, she may wear a white or pastel, very short, very full, and very pretty little girl's dress, without regard to fabric and style of the other dresses (except for season). She wears Mary Janes which may or may not be dyed to match her dress— sometimes they are worn in white or black. Sometimes a very little girl wears ballet slippers dyed to match her dress; or like the junior bridesmaid she may wear the strapped dancing slip­pers. She wears socks to match her dress. Gloves are optional— if she wears them they are short white kid. She wears a bonnet or little cap to match her dress or simply a wreath of tiny sweetheart roses. She may carry a small nosegay, but more usually carries a tiny basket filled with rose petals which she scatters down onto the white carpet as she walks before the bride.

Ring Bearer—Page Boy—Train Bearer: all may be dressed in white. In one wedding, the bridesmaids were in French blue, the flower girl and ring bearer in white, the flower girl wore a blue sash and the ring bearer a blue Eton bow. The little boy sometimes wears a dark blue suit with a big white Eton collar and a soft navy bow tie and streamers. Or he will always look well in a navy blue suit with a white shirt and bow tie if he is a a little older—from six to nine years. He may wear a white linen suit with a collarless coat and short trousers. Or he may wear an Eton suit with long trousers of striped gray material, short black jacket, Eton collar, black tie, and patent leather shoes. It is considered not the best taste to dress him as a minia­ture of the bridegroom in a tiny cutaway or tailcoat or tuxedo or white dinner jacket (he is likely to look like a midget). Such clothes are not for a little boy. However some people like to do this and are doing it, right or wrong. A charming touch is to have him wear a period type costume of satin knee breeches or long velvet trousers, with a loose white blouse. He does not usually wear anything on his head, and gloves are worn only with a dark blue conservative outfit for a very formal wedding when all the groomsmen are wearing them. If there is more than one little page, or train bearer, they should be dressed alike. If a ring bearer, he carries a white satin pillow, 10" x 10", or 12" x 12" (the size varies), sometimes trimmed with white cord and tassels. He may or may not wear a small white flower for a boutonniere, but only if he has on a navy blue suit.

Junior Usher: this young man will be a teen-ager and should never be put into any period type costume. Nor should he be dressed in men's formal clothing such as cutaway, tail coat or tuxedo. He should wear a dark blue suit, white shirt, blue bow tie, dark shoes and socks, white handkerchief—and he may wear a white flower boutonniere. He does not need a hat, and gloves are optional, depending on the formality of the wedding. In summer he might wear an all-white linen or flannel suit.

Question 64: What are the dress requirements for the mothers of the bride and groom?

Answer: Their costumes, of course, vary, according to the type of wedding and their personal taste. The following general con­siderations should be kept in mind:

Short, intermission, or full length dresses are correct, regard­less of the length of the bride's and bridesmaids' gowns (except a full length would not be used if bride's and attendants' gowns were short, or if bride's gown were long, with or without a train, but attendants' short). Whatever length is decided upon, the gowns of both mothers must be the same length. The bride's mother has the privilege of making the decision—the groom's mother should follow along. The two mothers do not usually dress alike but the style and colors of their dresses should har­monize. After the bride and her mother have selected the bridal gown, the attendants' dresses, and her mother's dress, the bride usually sends swatches of all of these to the groom's mother with a note saying she believes his mother will want to know the colors the others are wearing, the length of dresses, and the degree of formality of the wedding. If they live in the same neighbor­hood, or even same city, it is perhaps just as easy to take the swatches and give the explanation in person.

The mothers' dresses are selected from any fashionable dinner or dressy afternoon type that is becoming. The shoulders should be covered and the neckline not too low, either front or back. Sleeves may be short, three-quarter or full length. Any dressy fabric, depending on the fashion trend and the season of the year, is appropriate. The mothers will show better taste not to overdress—all lace is a favorite, or lace and chiffon, or silk taffeta. Very little trimming should be used. A soft, pretty dress is more generally chosen than a dramatic, sophisticated style that might cause too much attention.

Any soft pastel is suitable that tones in with the attendants' dresses. The mothers seldom wear white, but the mother of the bride might possibly wear white if she looked well in white— especially since her accessories will add touches of color. At one wedding the bride's father wanted his wife to wear white so that they might honor the memory of their own wedding on their daughter's wedding day. All of the guests liked the idea. It is less likely that the groom's mother would have reason to wear white. But if she does want to, there is no reason why she shouldn't, provided she first asks the bride's mother's opinion. Actually, a white afternoon dress for a mother would never look like a bridal gown nor conflict with one.

Neither mother should wear black because there is a superstition in this country that it denotes disapproval of the marriage. In France, a chic woman who considers black the only color for formal wear may appear in black for her daughter's or son's wedding. In the case of a heavy-set mother, or an elderly mother, or a mother in mourning, or a most conservative mother, she could quite appropriately choose navy blue or lavender. Until recently, prints were never worn by mothers. But they are now seen in the summer, though of course only for daytime wed­dings. There are some very lovely (and quite expensive) wash prints that can be most effective. Green is, by some considered unlucky. Some believe black or red are not to be recommended for mother's dresses; and that black accessories are not best taste.

Hats or some headdress are worn by mothers for all daytime weddings. They are optional for the mother of the bride when the wedding is in her own home. The mother of the groom will probably not wear one if the bride's mother does not, although she may if she wishes. For a formal evening wedding, a little headdress or a flower and a wisp of tulle are enough, but some­thing should be worn on the head. It may either match the dress or complement it.

Gloves are always worn by both mothers through the cere­mony and the receiving line. If their dresses have short sleeves, the gloves should be above elbow, six- or eight-button, and white or champagne kid is the best choice. There should be no at­tempt to match kid gloves to dresses nor should gloves of an­other fabric be dyed to match (except in those unusual cases where dresses are being specially designed and the gloves are part of the design for unless such gloves are very special—which means expensive—it is better not to have them). Three-quarter gloves are not correct for formal dress. If the mothers wish, they may wear short white kid gloves to the wrist. If they wear full length gloves they may unbutton them at the wrist, take their hands out and tuck the gloves in without removing them en­tirely when the food is served.

Shoes may be dyed to match dresses or may contrast accord­ing to the mothers' personal taste in dressy afternoon wear. Usually the outfits look better if the hat, dress and shoes are all one color, but not necessarily. As wraps, the mothers wear little furs, or jackets that match the outfits. Going down the aisle, they should wear these only if they are part of the costume. Other­wise, someone should previously place them in the pew in case of need as protection against drafts during the ceremony. If it is felt they will not be needed, the wraps may be left in the back of the church.

Both mothers wear corsages—usually orchids. If one wears orchids, both should, otherwise it appears as though the bride­groom (who pays for the corsages and presumably orders them) prefers one mother to the other. Even if one of the mothers does not like orchids, guests may not know this and might get the wrong impression if only one appears in them. However, if either mother's hat is trimmed with artificial flowers, consider whether the flowers in the corsage will add to or detract from the effect. Corsages, of course, should be worn the way flowers grow, with the stems down and the blossoms to the face. Very little ribbon, if any, should be attached to the corsages—inexpensive florist's ribbon does not enhance a lady's costume. If either or both mothers do not like to wear corsages, flowers for the wrist, or to fasten on the purse, or to wear at the belt, may be substi­tuted—but they should both have flowers.

Jewelry: the mothers may display the family jewels on the oc­casion of a formal wedding, or may wear any good costume jewelry suitable with their gowns.

Make-up, hair-do, hose, underpinnings will be just what any well-groomed woman usually plans for an important event.

For a formal evening wedding, the mothers will be as for­mally gowned as they personally like to be, and they will dress down, in proportion, for a formal daytime wedding, a semiformal wedding and an informal one. If for an evening wedding their gowns are at all décolleté, they should wear a covering over their shoulders for the ceremony.

The mothers may do well to remember that although this is the bride's day, they themselves are possibly more in the guest's eyes than she is, and they will want to look their loveliest. On the other hand it is depressing to see a mature woman overdressed and over made up, just because it is her daughter's or her son's wedding day (almost as though she subconsciously resents the youthful adventure into romance)—certainly an impression no one would want to give. For this strenuous, emotional, difficult day, a mother needs the confidence of perfect grooming and an outfit in perfect taste. She should think of herself and, if she needs to, spend the money to go to the best authorities for good advice to produce right results. She will never regret the de­cision.

Canopies, Marquees, Special Carpeting

Question 65: What are the purposes of canopies, marquees and special carpeting?

Answer: They may be considered atmosphere for an elaborate or very formal wedding. They offer protection in case of bad weather. They are used to ensure privacy. Special carpeting or canvas protects long gowns and shoes.

Question 66: What is a canopy for weddings?

Answer: It is an awning that is erected on metal framework to ex­tend from street to church door and from street to door at home, hotel or other place of reception. They may be of various kinds, or arranged in different ways: they may be carpeted; they may be wired for electricity and strung with small electric lights.

Usually canopies have side pieces that fit from the top to the ground, completely enclosing the area covered. If the weather is pleasant and complete privacy not needed, or if the canopy has only been put up as part of the trappings of a very formal wed­ding, the side flaps are not used. Even in this event, the side flaps should be available to put up in case the weather turns bad. And certainly if the bride or groom is a famous person, or either one is from a prominent family so that crowds would natu­rally be attracted, a canopy with side flaps will afford privacy.

For the church canopy, the poles that support the framework are not usually decorated. But the framework of the canopy at the door of the place of the reception is usually decorated with twining green leaves and a few flowers.

In addition to the door-to-curb canopies, there are others available which can extend from a house over a driveway, or from a church door over a driveway, if the driveways run di­rectly past the doors, or steps without a sidewalk intervening. Cars and their occupants are thereby protected from weather.

Like canopies, but wider, are the awnings which may be or­dered to enclose the sides of a porch, or to extend over a terrace.

These, too, may be had with or without enclosing sides, depend­ing upon the weather. These awnings are especially useful for a home wedding when more space is needed—they provide what amounts to an extra room. The enclosures may or may not be carpeted, as desired.

When canopies are used from church to curb, and from the entrance to the reception hall to curb, it is essential to have a doorman or attendant at each place to keep the pathway clear for bridal cars to enter and leave, and to assist guests in and out of automobiles. These men are usually hired from the awning company, or the caterer will sometimes supply them. Also, the church sometimes has a man available who may be engaged for this purpose.

Question 67: What is a marquee?

Answer: Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines it: "A large field tent common at outdoor entertainments—a canopy pro­jecting over an entrance, as of a hotel or theatre." As used in weddings, they are, like canopies, of various kinds.

Marquees may be large or small; they are striped, green and white, maroon and white, or plain. Usually they are not car­peted. Frequently they are wired to permit electric lighting. Side flaps may or may not be put up, as desired.

Marquees have always been used for outdoor weddings in the summer. If the weather permits, the wedding ceremony and part of the reception is usually held out under the sky. But for the buffet, a marquee is almost always put up, to protect the food from the sun and possibly wind. Guests go to the buffet table under the marquee to be served and move out into the open to eat. Or those who have had enough sun find protection under the marquee. If a sit-down dinner is to be served at five or six o'clock, guests are directed to tables arranged under the marquee. A dance floor is there and an orchestra. By dusk, the guests have eaten and the dancing is under way. Soon the bride throws her bouquet and the couple leave. For the period from dusk—around nine o'clock in the country in the summer—until the guests leave, lighting must be arranged. If the marquee has been wired, it may be equipped with softly shaded electric bulbs or fluorescent lights in soft colors. Or, more romantically, light may be provided by candles on the tables, which may be supplemented by flood lights on the grounds outside the marquee. Sometimes the ceremony, as well as the reception, is held un­der a marquee. Chairs may be set up if the guests are to be seated during the ceremony (and for a Jewish wedding, espe­cially, they usually are.) In this case, the receiving line may be held outside the marquee while the caterer's men remove the chairs used for the ceremony, and set up tables and chairs for the reception. The arrangements under a marquee may be as elaborate as one wishes—dance floor set up, a platform, com­plete with banisters arranged, or whatever one wishes. The metal framework that holds up the tent may be decorated with leaves and flowers, and elaborate flower decorations, if desired used as the background for the ceremony and reception.

Question 68: Is a marquee only used in summer?

Answer: There are some localities where weddings are held under a marquee on private grounds during the fall and winter, and a Christmas wedding, so held, may be exceptionally charm­ing. Porches enclosed with canvas and marquees have been used even in winter when a family has set its heart on a home wed­ding but has insufficient space inside the house. Boards can be put down under the marquee and carpeted, or waterproof can­vas and carpeting can be used. Even temporary heat can be in­stalled (when the side flaps are securely fastened down)—not an inexpensive process! For weddings planned without regard to expense, marquees with the side flaps down (and other canvas enclosures) may be lined with pleated or shirred fabrics. Today, however, with hotels, private clubs and country clubs generally available, families tend to forego the labor and expense of this more complicated arrangement.

Question 69: Are marquees always used for garden weddings?

Answer: No, people seem to be of two minds. Some prefer to risk bad weather and plan to hold the ceremony and reception both under the sky. These people may have accommodations inside the house so that they can move everyone inside in case of bad weather at the last moment. They possibly have enough trees to protect the guests from sun outside or plan to have tables with gaily colored umbrellas scattered around the lawn or gardens, so do not need a marquee.

Other people prefer the comfort, assurance and security that a marquee affords.

The elegance and formality of the wedding helps to influence the decision in some cases.

But without provision to move inside—and perhaps hurriedly at the last moment—there should be a marquee. And when there is a marquee, there should be a canopy extending from it to the house, in case of rain.

Question 70: How are canopies and marquees ordered?

Answer: There are awning companies who specialize in canopies and marquees—caterers and florists are the best people to recom­mend these companies. Some churches have their own canopies which they will rent. Hotels usually provide them without charge. Canopies should be ordered well in advance. They are especially needed if there is a long pathway from the curbing to the church door, or from the curbing to the door of the place where the reception is held. For those who do not want to use a canopy unless the weather is bad there is a special arrangement usually possible. The canopy may be ordered with instructions to erect it only if the day before the wedding the weather seems uncertain. If the canopy is erected, the full charge is made. If it is not put up, only half the usual amount is charged. But in any event, a canopy must be erected, if at all, the day before the wedding, owing to the time required and the labor arrange­ments necessary.

The same arrangements must be made concerning ordering and advance erecting for a marquee as for a canopy. If the order is given to leave the side flaps off, be sure that they are neverthe­less delivered and readily accessible, and that someone will know how to attach and adjust them. Rain and wind can come up very suddenly.

Be sure to place orders only with reputable companies. An awning or marquee that is weather-worn or dirty is not a pleas­ant adjunct to a wedding or reception. Delay in delivery is not pleasant. Sometimes the men sent to erect the canopy or marquee are not reliable, or may have undertaken too many weddings for the same day. It is a nerve-racking experience to have a mar­quee that has been improperly erected fall during a reception —doubly so if it is raining!

Note: For several years after World War II church canopies were not used too frequently. But they are appearing again, at least for formal weddings in large cities, and their revival seems currently to be well on its way.

Question 71: Who supplies the aisle canvas, if one is used?

Answer: The aisle canvas that the ushers pull back just before the procession begins is not often ordered from the awning com­pany, as one might suppose, but usually from the florist or the caterer. Some churches also have one for rent.

Note: (See Flowers and Decoration for description of the canopy used in the Jewish marriage ceremony.)

Flowers and Decorations

Question 72: How should one plan to decorate a church for a wed­ding?

Answer: The decorations may be as varied as the church edifices, the religious faiths, and the individual taste of the brides.

Most churches are decorated in white and green. In the spring pastels are sometimes used, such as flowering branches of vari­ous kinds, pink dogwood, yellow forsythia, pink apple or cherry blossoms. At Christmas, white poinsettias are very effective. One should always check with the clergyman concerning the require­ments of different faiths for using white or colored flowers at the altar. In some faiths, on certain days and seasons flowers cannot be used at all. It is therefore most important always to check with the clergyman before going ahead with plans for decora­tion.

One may usually have as much or as little decoration as de­sired, or can be afforded. White flowers are plentiful and most of them are adaptable. Sometimes one will want only two altar vases, or one large arrangement at the altar. Flowers may also be put in church window sills. Usually there are flowers in the chancel, and candles and ferns or palms may also be used there. Flower arrangements may be placed on alternate pews, or on every third pew (or none), or simply to mark the reserved section. (In a church as large as St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City, sometimes the pew markers are only put one-third or one-half way back.) Pew markers should never be so bushy that they ex­tend into the aisle to catch on guests' clothing.

The kinds of flowers appropriate for church decoration are calla lilies, Easter lilies, white roses, snapdragons, white tulips, white lilacs, white dogwood, yellow forsythia, blue delphinium, gay colored field flowers, peonies, daisies, gladiolas, dahlias, white carnations, chrysanthemums, cherry blossoms, apple blos­soms, and poinsettias. As greenery, the bride might consider cibotium ferns, palms, evergreen trees, Christmas trees, holly, branches of flowering trees, boxwood, magnolia leaves, huckle­berry leaves, eucalyptus, or rhododendron leaves.

If the guest list is much smaller than the seating capacity of the church, the empty rows of pews at the back are sometimes filled with evergreen trees, ferns, dogwood, cherry or apple blossoms or yellow forsythia. This is not at all necessary and many people do not object to the empty back rows of pews.

Decorations should be planned to suit the architecture and design of the church. The florist should come to see the church in advance if he is not familiar with it. Leaves and flowers should be kept in proportion to the size of the altar. The lighting ef­fects in the church and spot lights should be studied carefully. Wedding plans are always in advance of the wedding date, some­times a number of months ahead. Consider, therefore, the degree of sunlight there will be for the time of year and the time of day for which the wedding is planned.

In the Orthodox Jewish ceremony, in addition to the decora­tions, there will be a canopy made of greens and flowers. This is required for the marriage ceremony. Also, for a Jewish cere­mony, have the florist bring two red roses which will be put on the table with the ceremonial wine and cup.

Question 73: How are lighted candles used in church decoration?

Answer: Candles may be used in floor candelabra at the chancel, in window sills, or attached to pews on fixtures of decorated wood or metal, high above people's heads. Except at the altar, candles are used only after dusk. Candles are not too dangerous if proper attention is given them during use. It is possible to get safety caps to put on top of them to prevent dripping. Sometimes candles are placed in bridal attendants' bouquets for a candle­light ceremony at a formal night wedding.

Question 74: What about decorations for other than church wed­dings?

Answer: For a rectory wedding, or a ceremony in a church parlor, pas­tor's study, a civil ceremony in a judge's chambers, before a justice of the peace or in the registrar's office, the bride does not have flowers sent for the ceremony. For a chapel wedding it is usual to have a few flowers at the altar.

When the ceremony is not held in a church and the bride and groom will kneel as part of the service, a kneeling bench must be provided, ordered from the florist or caterer, or borrowed from the church, and decorated by the florist. White cushions will be needed, possibly of satin. One may also wish to have an altar constructed and decorated. A console table may be cov­ered with a white cloth and used as an altar (check with the clergyman for the religious articles needed), and decorated with an altar vase of flowers. Such a table must, of course, be of convenient and proper height—a coffee or cocktail table is too low. Candelabra and tapers for the wedding outside of church may be ordered from the florist.

Home, hotel or garden weddings may have all the decoration accessories of a church wedding, fewer, or none, as desired. Rib­bons are not usually pulled ceremoniously because standards are used for decorations and are awkward to manage—the ushers haven't tops of pews to rest the ribbons on. If ribbons are used, they are usually set up in advance. (See following discussion of ribbons.)

Question 75: How does one choose the florist for a wedding?

Answer: If the church recommends a florist who knows that par­ticular church, it is wise to accept the recommendation. If the bride and her family prefer to use their own florist, or to do the decorating themselves, they must follow the regulations of the church about vases and receptacles. Sometimes the hotel recom­mends a florist, and here again it is wise to accept the recom­mendation. A florist so recommended knows the rooms and facilities of the hotel, the elevators and help, and sometimes even has equipment there. The job will be done better and less expensively than if a strange florist is employed. However it is better not to give the recommended florist the order also for the bridal and bridesmaids' bouquets unless he has a reputation for producing the best in these. In this day of specialization, there are now florists who are expert on decoration and those who make outstanding bouquets. In a small community, one florist can probably do the entire job—church, reception, bouquets and corsages, and will do a better job more cheaply if he does have the entire order. But do not make the mistake of placing the bridal order with a "little man on the corner" from whom you may buy all your flowers for birthdays or holidays. Go to the best florist in your area who is famous for weddings. It doesn't cost any more in the long run. Flowers are the final accessory, and their delivery is made too late to permit alteration should you be unhappy with them. If they are not well-arranged, if the colors are not right, if other flowers have been substituted for those you ordered, if the blossoms do not hold up during the day or evening, there is not time or opportunity to do anything about it.

Question 76: Who pays for all the flowers used in all parts of the wedding?

Answer: The expense is distributed as follows: The flowers used in decorating the church and for the reception are paid for by the bride's family. They also usually pay for the bridesmaids' bou­quets as well as for a grandmother's corsage or any extra cor­sages. The groom pays for the bridal bouquet, the bride's going-away corsage, the corsages for the two mothers, and for the boutonnieres for the men in the wedding.

Question 77: Does the groom ever pay for flowers in the wedding?

Answer: In some communities, there has been a trend toward the groom's paying for the bridesmaids' bouquets. This decision may be made by each bride's family—and the groom—accord­ing to individual circumstances. Another alternative is for the bride's parents to provide decorations for the church and the reception, bouquets for the bride and bridesmaids, corsages for both mothers and a boutonniere for the father of the bride— these are thus regarded as part of the decorative arrangements. The groom sends the bride her going away corsage and supplies boutonnieres for himself, the best man and all the ushers. In some American communities, the groom buys the bride's bou­quet, while in others the bride sends boutonnieres to the ushers and the groom pays for the bridesmaids' bouquets. In some areas it is the custom for the groom to send corsages for both mothers and for grandmothers.

Pew Ribbons

Question 78: What are pew ribbons and how and why are they used?

Answer: These are two long streamers of white satin ribbon, usually four or five inches wide, one end of each being attached to the last pew of the reserved section. They are provided and at­tached by the florist. Previously measured for the length to the last pew in the back of the church, they are plaited neatly and one fold left over the back of the pew on each side where at­tached. After the mother of the bride has been seated, no more guests are seated. Two ushers then come forward, one lifts up the folded satin ribbon on the left side, the other on the right, and they walk toward the back of the church, laying the ribbon along the tops of the pews as they go. Another way of doing it is for two ushers to start from the back of the church, walk toward the altar, and pull the ribbons from spools held by ushers in the back, laying the ribbons across the pews as they go. The guests are thus enclosed until after the ceremony is over.

There are very practical reasons for using ribbons besides the elegance and style they lend. They do not enclose people in the reserved section. Therefore, after the recessional, the guests are forced to wait (unless very bad manners lead some to creep out of the side aisles) while the appointed ushers escort the bride's mother and father out, and the groom's parents, while two other ushers go forward to indicate to people in the reserved sections that they may leave. There the ushers remove the ribbons and pull them back in order that the other guests may leave. Thus the bridal party and ushers, members of the families and spe­cial guests are ready to leave the church before the crowd has a chance to hem them in. This is also why ushers should pull back ribbons after the ceremony from the front to the back, rather than from the back to the front as sometimes is done. An­other point: if the guests are forced to remain until the bride's and groom's parents are out of church and on their way to the reception, much delay is avoided. People have a way of rushing up to talk to the parents and it is most difficult to deflect them. It is important that members of the wedding party and the par­ents be at the reception well in advance of guests to allow time for candid pictures of the receiving line before the guests start through it.

If the wedding is informal and the guest list small, ribbons are not needed. In some churches, the clergyman will tell the bride's and groom's mothers and fathers to follow the bridal procession almost as part of the recessional. In such cases, ushers do not have time to go after the parents—and guests follow the parents out. Where the receiving line is to be held in the back of the church, or in cases where the guests assemble customarily on the church steps outside to throw rice and rose petals at the bride and groom as they come down, aisle ribbons are not needed.

In some communities the white carpet is laid down the cen­ter aisle by the florist's men and white satin ribbons put across the tops of the pews (down the length of the church aisle on each side) in advance of the guests' arrival. Ushers then must seat guests from the side aisles. Some people like this arrangement because, usually, the first guests to arrive always sit near the aisle forcing next arrivals to squeeze past them. Also, it elimi­nates the procedure whereby everyone waits, including the bride in the back of the church, while the ribbons are pulled and the carpet laid before the processional begins. In some instances, after the mother of the bride is seated by the usher, the canvas is laid and then the ribbons are pulled. It is done this way usu­ally, for the purpose of the white carpet is to have it unrolled im­mediately before the bridal procession begins.

One often hears the expression, "In front of the ribbons." This means that the first few pews on each side of the church, reserved for the bride's and groom's families and special guests, are sometimes closed off with white satin ribbons. Each end of the ribbon has a weight attached. The ribbon is placed across the aisle with the weights holding it down on either side. When a guest arrives who is to be seated "in front of the ribbons," the usher lifts one side of the ribbon, dropping it to the floor, seats the guest, picks up and replaces the ribbon as he returns up the aisle.

White Aisle Runner

Question 79: What is a canvas, or aisle runner, and how and why is one used?

Answer: This is a strip of white canvas, duck cloth or sail cloth, one yard or a little more wide, measured for the length of the church aisle. It may be fanned in ten- or twelve-inch pleats at the foot of the chancel steps (or whatever spot at the altar the first part of the ceremony is to be said). One end of it is firmly attached at this point by the florist's man or the awning com­pany's representative, or the church janitor, depending from whom it was rented. The rest of it is folded as described, and it remains there until after the ushers have pulled the ribbons. Then two ushers march forward (starting out on their left feet), turn at the altar to face the guests, one lifts one corner of the runner with his left hand, the other with his right, and they move forward in unison, gently pulling the canvas as they go. Sometimes this carpet is rolled on a fairly large roller with wheels on each side and a handle across the front. In this case, the ushers simply march forward to the altar, turn to face the guests, reach down and each grasps one side of the handle across the front and walks back, pulling the roll which unrolls the carpet on the way. The latter method is the easier. A somewhat more awkward alternative is to unroll the carpet from the back of the church to the front. By this method, after the ushers reach the altar, they would have to walk back either on the carpet, or carefully missing it by trying to walk in the space left between it and the aisles on each side. No matter how the unwinding is planned, some one should be on hand in the back of the church to warn the ushers not to forget to pull the aisle canvas. Once at a wedding one of the flat, folded runners was forgotten and the bride and groom had to step over it during the first part of the ceremony. If an aisle canvas is being used, an extra one may be ordered to put down in the back of the church just before the bride arrives in order to keep the train of her gown clean.

The aisle canvas need not be removed after the ceremony. It may be left where it is and guests may walk on it, leaving the church. Later it will be collected by the tradesman from whom it was ordered.

The aisle canvas is considered a luxury rather than a must. Some churches, in fact, discourage their use, believing them to be dangerous—someone might catch a foot in the wrinkles and fall. Or if the church is uncarpeted, it is thought that the runner might slide and cause an accident. If there is a carpet in the church, the bride's gown will be somewhat protected, but if the church is uncarpeted, the bride's gown will be quite soiled. Even with the protection of an aisle runner, the train gets some­what soiled on the floor at the altar. There is no question about it, the white canvas runner looks more bridal and it is an im­pressive sight to see white ribbons pulled and a white carpet laid before the processional begins.

Note: When there is no center aisle in the church and the left is used for the processional and the right for the recessional, a white aisle runner is used only on the left.

Decorations—Reception

Question 8o: What kind of decorations are considered suitable for the reception?

Answer: Home, hotel, country club, garden—wherever the recep­tion is held—may be decorated simply or elaborately to suit personal taste, the budget and the type of place.

Complicated flower decorations for wedding receptions are becoming less popular. Flowers are being used more as they would be for a home dinner party. They are lovely and festive and certainly a part of formal entertaining. Garish arrangements spoil their beauty and purpose.

For a very small, informal reception, a simple arrangement of flowers in floor vases may be put at the beginning or the end of the receiving line. Sometimes an array of ferns, palms and flowers is used as a background for the receiving line. Sometimes a curtain in a suitable shade instead of flowers is used for this purpose.

If tables are set for a buffet or sit-down meal, flowers, no matter how simple, are always used as centerpieces in colors to carry out the color scheme. If there is a bridal table, it is deco­rated (depending on its size) with one, two or three flower center-pieces. These are always kept low enough for guests to see the bridal party sitting at the table, and for the party to see the guests—just as centerpieces in a private dining room at home are customarily made of a height for guests to see each other. If there is not to be a bridal table, the buffet or serving table will have one or more centerpieces. Candelabra and lighted candles are usually combined with the centerpieces on the big table and sometimes on the small tables, too.

Note: Lighted candles are not supposed to be used until after dusk. However, since in some hotels windows are curtained off and there is consequently no daylight, candles are appropriate (some form of artificial light would be needed).

At home, flower arrangements may be placed on the mantel and in window sills. Of course flowers, together with candelabra, will be used for the tea table, if there is one. The wedding cake (at a large formal reception) is usually put on a small round table. The cloths for this and the bridal table are usually deco­rated with greenery—smilax and flowers. And flowers and greens are put around the wedding cake as trimming. The silver cake knife is usually decorated with a cluster of white flowers and a white satin ribbon bow.

The flowers, candles, and table cloths should be planned as the final part of the color scheme for the wedding. First, the bridesmaids' dresses and bouquets; second, the church flowers; and finally the full color in its gayest aspect in the reception decorations. And, of course, the color background of the church and place of the reception has to be considered before the color scheme is chosen. Sometimes at the wedding reception the brides­maids' bouquets are lined up on the bridal table and give all the decorations needed. If a bride is on a budget, she might consider this effective though economical device.

Actually, for a home wedding, none of the decorations needs to be formal. Flowers picked from the garden may be arranged by an artistic hostess or one of her friends. A centerpiece of white fresh flowers is usually put on the table where gifts are displayed.

Paper flower decoration, crepe paper streamers, or crepe paper wedding bell decorations should not be used for the place of the reception, and certainly never at the ceremony. They are neither good nor accepted taste for weddings.

Flowers for the Wedding Party

Question 81: What are the points to consider concerning the bridal bouquet?

Answer: Remember to plan carefully before deciding upon the bridal bouquet (or any of the bouquets and flowers, for that matter) because flowers are delivered too late to permit one to change her mind in case of disappointment with the effect. The bridal bouquet may be large or small, according to taste. (The bride does not have to carry flowers, but usually she does.) If she prefers, the bride may carry a prayer book with or without a flower and streamers caught with lily of the valley, orange blos­soms or stephanotis. For a very informal wedding (when she wears a suit) the bride may prefer to wear a corsage, but it is con­sidered equally good taste for her to carry a small bouquet. Brides all say that a bouquet is the answer to the problem of what to do with their hands. An arm bouquet—of calla lilies, of big white chrysanthemums, or a sheath of gladioli—are preferred by some. A fan or a muff may be decorated with flowers and carried if either is part of the wedding dress design.

A bride usually carries white flowers with possibly a little color added, such as a cluster of blue forget-me-nots. Recently there has been a trend toward colored flowers for bridal bouquets, but it is more talk than practice. The bride should choose her favorite white flower as the basis around which her bouquet is to be designed. The day of the large, bulky bridal bouquet is over. And the white satin bow on the bridal bouquet has gone out of style.

Any flower is suitable for the bridal bouquet although orchids seem to be the favorite. Real orange blossoms are not used often —they have to be imported in most parts of the world, cost a fortune and wilt quickly. Some flowers used in bridal bouquets are: orchids, stephanotis, lily of the valley, bouvardia, camellias, roses, gardenias, calla lilies, Easter lilies, Eucharist lilies, butterfly orchids, white lilacs, freesia, violets, large white pansies, snap­dragons, stock, gladioli, sweet peas, and daisies. Some flowers are more formal than others and we have listed them somewhat in a descending degree of formality. In most instances, the more in­formal the wedding outfit, the more informal the flowers. Some flowers, such as orchids, camellias, and gardenias, go well with everything. If the bride is wearing an informal gown in a soft, pastel shade, flowers may be matched (or even dyed).

Florists are equipped to produce charming bridal bouquets even for the bride on a budget. A good florist will go to the shop to see the bridal gown and bridesmaids' dresses before attempting to fill his order. If you can't arrange this, take swatches of the dresses and sketches of them to him. If you are not familiar with a particular flower, do not order it from a picture in the florist's book. Ask him for a single blossom for you to see.

The bride's going-away corsage is sometimes made as the center of her bridal bouquet. If it is, it must be removed before she throws her bouquet. Otherwise it is made separately to match her going-away suit. Since the groom pays for both, many brides like to keep the cost down by incorporating the two. Some people find it no more expensive, however, to have a separate going-away corsage and prefer not to throw a bridal bouquet which has been "plucked." Both practices are in use.

Since the bridal bouquet is essentially part of the design of the bride's gown, it is accepted procedure for her and her mother to select it, even though the groom pays the bill.

Question 82: What are the points to consider when planning flowers for the attendants?

Answer: Honor attendants' and bridesmaids' bouquets are usually all alike, except that sometimes the honor attendants' bouquets are larger. It is seldom effective to have their flowers different. The shape of the bouquets is designed around the style of the dresses. Accordingly, a period dress has a period bouquet, a classical dress, a classical arrangement. There isn't too much need for concern about the shape of the bouquets provided colored satin or sheer ribbon is not used and the bouquets are not too large or unwieldy. Bridesmaids may carry fans or muffs decorated with flowers. In one very lovely wedding, they all carried parasols (folded, and hanging from their arms). A round ball of red rose buds can be suspended from red velvet ribbon from their arms. The scope is as wide as a creative florist's imagination. This is true also of color combinations and flower combinations. Ask to see the actual flower or flowers before you agree to color, and hold the flowers against a good sized swatch of the bridesmaids' dresses. And make sure that you are in the hands of an artist— the florist is the one to suggest pleasing color combinations. The types of flowers you can choose depend upon the locality in which you live and the season of the year.

It is important that the bridesmaids know how to carry their bouquets. Bridesmaids hold bouquets in two hands, with elbows bent, rest each forearm on the top of each hip and relax the wrists. The bouquet will fall gracefully into the right place. Arm bouquets are carried in the crook of the elbow that is outside— right side when one is walking on that side of the procession, left otherwise. Her hand of the arm carrying the bouquet rests against the stems of the flowers. Her other hand grasps the stems below. After the ceremony, she must remember to switch her bouquet to the other arm before starting back in the reces­sional. Arm bouquets seemed to be going out of fashion but, judging from the number used lately, we would say that they must be coming in again. Attendants carry bouquets even with short dresses except when the dresses are as tailored as a street suit, in which case corsages would be more appropriate.

Bridesmaids usually hold their bouquets in the receiving line.

Wreaths of the same flowers used in the bridesmaids' bouquets, (if they are small ones), may be ordered for their headdresses. Some people hesitate to do this, having heard that the flowers do not hold up well during the ceremony and reception. Usually the flowers do. And it can be an exceptionally pretty headdress for a group of bridesmaids. Check that they will clip on firmly and have many bobby pins handy.

Question 83: What should be considered in selecting corsages for mothers and grandmothers?

Answer: Their corsages are selected to complete the ensemble of their dresses, just as corsages are selected for any dinner dress. (See this chapter under Wedding Clothes.) Corsages are usually ordered for the grandmothers, both bride's and groom's, and for any other very close member of the bride's or groom's family. Sometimes they are ordered also for a family nurse or governess.

Note: Concerning boutonnieres, see this chapter.

Flowers for children in a wedding were discussed earlier in this chapter. Some feel that a flower girl should not carry a basket with rose petals, but should carry a nosegay. Usually she carries either a nosegay or a basket of rose petals which she scatters along the pathway o£ the bride's feet. (It is generally agreed that she should not scatter confetti down a church aisle!)

Question 84: Where are the wedding bouquets, mothers' corsages and men's boutonnieres delivered?

Answer: It is important that the bride decide where all the bouquets and corsages are to be delivered at the time she places the order with the florist. The most satisfactory plan is to have them all delivered to the church or wherever the ceremony is to be held.

Music

Question 85: Is music always included in a wedding ceremony and reception?

Answer: Although most people prefer music, both for the ceremony (when performed in church) and for the reception following, it is of course possible to omit the music from either or both. In the Quaker service, for instance, music is never used for the ceremony. (See civil ceremonies.)

Question 86: What music should be used for the processional and recessional?

Answer: Traditionally, the "Bridal Chorus" from the third act of Lohengrin (popularly known as "Here Comes the Bride") is used at the ceremony for the processional, and the Wedding March from Mendelssohn's Midsummer's Night Dream for the recessional. These sound equally well when played on the organ in church, or by an orchestra or group at a ceremony anywhere other than a church. They are both secular music, however, and the bride should be sure to check with the clergyman, or musical director of her church (or both) since churches have their individual regulations concerning music. If the Wagner and Mendelssohn wedding marches cannot be used, then a non-secular hymn or triumphant march may then be played on the organ or sung by the choir. There are some magnificent selections to choose from—"Praise, My Soul, the King of Heaven," "The Voice That Breathed O'er Eden," "The King of Love My Shepherd Is," to name only a few. The organist, or musical director, is always glad to help in arranging music.

Question 87: At what other times during a church wedding is music used?

Answer: During the seating of the guests the organist plays well-chosen selections. In addition, there is sometimes vocal music before or during the ceremony by a church choir, quartet or soloist (those brides who have a close friend or relative whom they would like to have sing at their wedding ceremony must remem­ber that some churches permit only their own soloists to sing in the church). In some ceremonies, music is played softly through­out, except during the prayers, while in others a hymn is sung by the guests between the two parts of the ceremony.

Question 88: Are instruments other than an organ ever used in a church ceremony?

Answer: Sometimes a harp or violin is added to the church organ.

Question 8g: In addition to processional and recessional marches, what is appropriate music for the ceremony?

Answer: Usually, but not always secular music is permitted, before the ceremony. Again the organist or musical director will help select the music. Certain faiths (Catholic, Jewish, or other) have special music for weddings. When possible, some of this music should be included, in order not to disappoint guests. Certain nationalities also have certain music always played or sung at their wedding ceremonies.

In Protestant churches, it is possible to have a choral proces­sional—a boy's choir (or adult choir) led by a crucifer with a processional cross, singing a hymn (this in place of the Lohengrin). The choir is then seated in the choir stalls and may sing another hymn after the marriage betrothal service and before the vows are said. Or a choir may be seated in the stalls when the service begins and not lead the processional. A choral processional is not usually permitted in Roman Catholic churches. Nuptial high mass, however, may be sung by a choir.

Never, under any circumstances, in church or out, are cur­rently popular tunes played for the wedding ceremony.

The following selections are all appropriate for weddings in church or elsewhere (provided there is an organ of some kind):

198 / WEDDING PLANS

Bach—Air for G String, Arioso, Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring,
Chorale-Prelude: In Thee Is Joy Dvořák—Biblical Songs
Malotte—The Lord's Prayer, The Twenty-third Psalm Bach-Gounod—Ave Maria Bach, J. S.-Chorale Preludes:
All Praise to Jesus' Hallowed Name (Gelobt seist du)
Blessed Jesus, at Thy Word (Liebster Jesu)
Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring
Lord Jesus Christ, Be Present Now (Herr Jesu Christ)
O Thou, of God the Father (Herr Christ)
Salvation Now is Come to Earth (Es ist das Hier)

Brahms—My Inmost Heart Rejoiceth (Herzlich thut mich erfreuen) Buxthehude—From God I Ne'er Will Turn Me (Von Gott will ichnicht lassen)

There are some musical selections that people have come to associate with weddings and have mistakenly accepted for the ceremony when they are more suitable for the reception. They are not sacred enough for church standards, and therefore not suitable for the wedding ceremony wherever it may be held. These include: "Because", "I Love You Truly", "Oh Promise Me", Schubert's "Serenade", Wagner's "Liebestod", Liszt's "Liebestraum" and the "Meditation" from Thais. All of these selections have now become so trite from repetition that many people exclude them even from the reception.

With music, as with everything, there are certain local customs in certain parts of the country. For instance, in Texas there is the custom of having "The Lord's Prayer" or one of the "Ave Maria"s sung softly at the end of the ceremony. And some brides like to have the church chimes or bells heard at the end of the ceremony.

Question 90: Is it customary to have musicians participate in the wedding ceremony music if they are not the church musicians?

Answer: If the bride or groom or a member of one of the families knows an organist or is related to one and the bride would like to have this organist play for the wedding, she should first con­sult the clergyman or the sexton of the church about this. If it is permissible to have an outside organist, the question should then be discussed with the regular organist of the church. He will extend the invitation to the guest organist. In this case, even though the regular organist does not play for the ceremony, he should be remembered with the usual fee (different in different localities—the clergyman or sexton will suggest the proper amount). As far as an additional fee for the family friend or relative is concerned, it is questionable whether this would be in order. It would seem that a generous present would be in better taste, or an offer to contribute in his name to his preferred charity.

There is sometimes the problem of the family friend or relative who is a vocalist and who offers his or her services when the wedding plans are announced. How may one refuse without hurting this person's feelings? The church, of course, may refuse to permit outside musicians. Otherwise, about the only thing to do is to explain that the bride and groom have set their hearts on having only sacred music for the ceremony. If the vocalist is able to sing this kind of music, then permit him to participate and it will be a fitting addition to the ceremony. If he cannot, then you have an irreproachable excuse.

Question 91: What about the music for the reception and for the ceremony when it is held in the same place as the reception?

Answer: For a home, or other non-church wedding, the musical ensemble usually furnishes music for both ceremony and recep­tion.

The number of guests to be entertained and the amount of money the bride's family plans to use for music are the chief factors to consider in deciding upon the size of the group to use. (The size of the rooms also helps determine the number of musicians.) A portable organ is all some need—sometimes combined with a trio. A string trio, or a piano and violin and/or harp are all pleasant and appropriate for wedding music outside a church, and also adequate for the average reception. Five to ten musicians is the average group when a large reception with dancing is to follow the ceremony. There may be, however, up to thirty-five or forty pieces. On the other hand, it is not unheard of for people to order almost as many pieces as are used in a sym­phony orchestra.

For an informal or perhaps a semiformal wedding, when the budget or personal taste does not permit many musicians, a single accordion player may be most effective since he can move about among the guests with the music. One orchestra leader brings a small electric organ to a home wedding which he plays during the ceremony. Then, for the reception, he plays an accordion. Thus one musician does it all most adequately. A zither player is another idea, or a guitarist who is also able to sing. Usually musicians can play more than one instrument. Costs can be cut and variety provided by having two musicians and three instruments.

Musicians are hired by the hour, according to union scale, and usually two to three or four hours are planned on. Sometimes circumstances are such that the bride's father asks the musicians to play longer. If so, they must be paid for the extra time. In the city, weddings adhere more closely to schedule, and the timing is more likely to be as planned. In smaller communities or in the country the weather, or a good time being had by all, may cause the reception to last longer than expected. If musicians are playing for several hours it is customary to offer them some­thing to eat.

If the ceremony is held at home or elsewhere than in church, the bride is free to make her own selection of music, vocal and instrumental. The selections for a ceremony outside a church need to be based on the kind of instruments being used—some are suitable only for the organ, others only for strings, some for both. Although Lohengrin is the traditional march for the pro­cessional, and there are no restrictions about using it outside a church, there are other slow, dignified marches suitable, if a bride prefers. Sir Edward Elgar's "Pomp and Circumstance" is one.

Reception music is lighter—semipopular tunes and those from Broadway shows as well as old-time semiclassical favorites, all are appropriate. Late in the progress of events, when everyone is feeling relaxed, some hit tunes are played. And folk songs may be requested, too. At the reception, the music starts playing the moment the bride and groom arrive from the church and continues on softly during the receiving. When the bride and groom have finished greeting all their guests and are ready to leave the receiving line, the musicians play a quickened tempo of "Here Comes the Bride" as they lead their bridal party in to the bridal table.

There is a custom in some parts of the country for musicians at the reception to visit the bride's table and sing tunes that are currently popular to which verses have been set containing the names of the bride and groom. Then the bride and groom and other members of the bridal party request numbers, college songs or popular tunes, that they especially like. Also, in some parts of the country, the orchestra or musicians play special tunes for the cutting of the cake, or words about the bride and groom cutting and eating a piece of cake to the tune of "Farmer in the Dell." For their first dance together, the bride and groom usually request a tune of special sentimental significance to themselves. Mothers and fathers often ask for the Anniversary Waltz for their dances. And so on.

Following are some suggestions for orchestras to play at the reception:

"Artist's Life Waltz"—Johann Strauss
"Die Fledermaus Valse"—Johann Strauss
"Emperor Waltz"—Johann Strauss
"Merry Widow Waltz"—Franz Lehar
"Kiss Me Again"—Victor Herbert
''Desert Song''—Selections—Romberg
"Liebestraum"—Liszt
"Tales from Vienna Woods"—Johann Strauss
"Valse des Fleurs"—Tschaikowsky

Wedding Beverage

Question 92: What may be served for wedding beverages?

Answer: The wedding beverage may be alcoholic or nonalcoholic. Traditionally, champagne is first preference, and everyone agrees that for a wedding breakfast or wedding reception of any degree of formality, champagne is the only correct beverage.

There are many kinds of punches that may be served, alcoholic or non-alcoholic, although some authorities advise that punch is not often selected as the beverage served at a very formal reception. If punch is the only beverage being served, it is entirely appropriate for a wedding. However, it is better to serve champagne and be ready with whiskey drinks for those who do not drink champagne, than to serve champagne and punch. When champagne, whiskey and punch are served, it is our obser­vation that the champagne and whiskey are popular but the punch refused, since people who drink punch also drink champagne, usually, and prefer it. Champagne punch is a favorite, of course. Some people think of it for the wedding reception be­cause they like a punch better than champagne from bottles. Other people think of serving the punch as a means of cutting down on expenses. Actually it is as inexpensive to serve cham­pagne as it is to serve punch. Punch requires the addition of other ingredients and must be made in large quantities. Bottles of champagne may be opened as needed, enabling one to pre­vent waste by serving only what the guests drink. Wine punches or a rum punch may be served if champagne is too expensive for the budget. Whiskey, too, may be used as a punch base, combined with tea and lemon juice, sugar and soda water.

One should not forget the advantages of serving chilled wine from the bottle at a wedding reception. Good wine does not necessarily have to be combined into a punch. Wines are a good choice to serve when the guests are not particularly fond of alcoholic drinks. Most people will enjoy a glass of good wine to toast the bride.

Sparkling Burgundy is a possible variation to champagne. There is no particular reason to serve it rather than champagne unless a special color scheme has been planned into which the color of it fits. Or it might be gay and colorful for a Christmas wedding reception.

It is considerate to provide some non-alcoholic drink in addition to the alcoholic—there is even a non-alcoholic cham­pagne on the market which is bubbly, a lovely golden color, and tastes and smells like champagne. Lacking that, one could pro­vide hot tea, coffee (tea, coffee or water should not be used for the toast), iced tea, fruit juice, ginger ale, or a non-alcoholic punch. In serving non-alcoholic beverages one can use great imagination in the combination of fruit juices, or combination of ginger ale and mint leaves.

Sometimes people serve one glass of champagne to everyone before the meal to toast the bride, and then serve other wines or alcoholic beverages during the meal or after.

Sometimes cocktails are served before a formal dinner recep­tion. The champagne will be served at table in this case and the bride toasted before people begin to eat. Sometimes, in addition, correct wines for each course are then served as at any formal dinner.

Whiskey and soda or other after meal alcoholic beverages are correctly served following the wedding repast to any who prefer this to champagne.

It is not customary to serve cocktails to toast the bride. Rather than to say it is not customary, let us say that alcoholic beverages other than wines are not considered appropriate to use for a toast at a wedding reception. "Packaged" wedding receptions, offered by inexpensive hotels and restaurants, often feature a sit-down meal, complete with a Martini or Manhattan cocktail to toast the bride. The bride's family is permitted to buy their own bottles of any other alcoholic beverages (usually it is whiskey —Scotch or Bourbon) to bring to the reception. A bottle is set in the middle of each table. For a very nominal cost, the hotel furnishes whiskey glasses and soda and ice. Guests mix their own drinks at the table. In some circles this practice would be absolutely unthinkable. But it is being followed by people in other circles to the satisfaction of the bride's family and guests. For those who are accustomed to this form of entertaining it is a familiar pattern and for them one cannot say it is wrong.

Question 93: When and how are the beverages served?

Answer: For a formal reception, champagne or punch is usually on a table by itself or served from the main buffet table at the other end from the tea tray. Guests may serve themselves. Waiters refill punch bowls when low, and replace champagne bottles when needed. Sometimes champagne or punch is served in the kitchen or at the bar and then carried to the guests on trays. In this case, waiters continually move among the guests to serve them or to refill empty glasses. Champagne is usually poured directly from the napkin-covered bottles right into glasses for the guests. There is a modern trend to serve champagne from the bottle without covering with a napkin. If punch is served, waiters refill glasses from pitchers which they carry around. When there are no waiters at a small reception, ushers may serve the champagne or punch or may help if there are not enough waiters.

At a wedding reception where everyone is seated around one table, and champagne has been ordered, it will be placed in a cooler at the bride's father's end of the table with the champagne glasses around.

Question 94: What are some things important to know about cham­pagne and punch?

Answer: Champagne must be well chilled. This is done by packing the bottles in ice about two hours before serving, turning oc­casionally. Any deep cooler will do. Or thirty minutes in a cooler at the table (but this has been previously chilled in the kitchen).

Champagne should be served in champagne glasses. Some people say that for a large reception it may be served in small straight glasses. We believe that if one can afford champagne, one can also afford to rent champagne glasses. When renting cham­pagne glasses, you should not look for those with hollow stems. Unless hollow stemmed glasses are cleaned and sterilized properly, they may carry germs. If a bride would like to add an exceptionally festive touch to her bridal table, there are con­tinental champagne glasses she might obtain for herself and the groom and their attendants. It is customary to have them etched with the attendants' initials and expected that they will cherish them afterwards with their most precious keepsakes. It is very important that champagne glasses be perfectly dry before the champagne is served in them.

Those who are not accustomed to serving champagne are fre­quently puzzled about the quantity to order. It is usually esti­mated that one 4/5 quart bottle of champagne yields about eight servings in a punch cup or glass of three fluid ounces. Therefore one case of twelve 4/5 quart bottles will yield about 100 glasses of champagne. Count on approximately three glasses per person, depending on the drinking habits of the guests.

It is, of course, rather standard for people to think of punch for a wedding reception if champagne is beyond the budget. The silver, glass, or china punch bowls with matching cups are very attractive on the table, whether the bowls are large or small. If an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic punch are being served at the same reception where a bowl of one kind is at one end of the table, with the other kind at the opposite end, it is suggested that the small punch cups be used for the alcoholic punch, and the straight, small glasses for the other, in order that people may identify each at a glance. Punch is appropriately served with light cocktail foods or tea menus, just as champagne.

Question 95: What are the best kinds or brands of champagne, wines or punches to serve at a wedding reception?

Answer: There is a Rose domestic champagne that is particularly appropriate for the bride's table—the soft pink color is so at­tractive. It is slightly sweet, so those who are fastidious about dry champagnes will not be happy about it. Many young people like a sweet drink, however. Champagne may be ordered, "Extra Dry," "Special Reserve" (drier), and "Brut" (driest). The kind that is liked best generally is the driest. Champagne that is arti­ficially carbonated may not taste as good. Some people say that domestic champagne, carefully chilled, will be smoother in taste and will compare favorably with imported champagnes. For this reason it may be that domestic champagne needs to be chilled more than French champagne. There are excellent brands of domestic champagne that are less expensive than the imported. For a large reception, the vintage does not seem as important as it does for smaller, more intimate occasions.

If wines other than champagne are served, there is a Nectar Rose which is delightful and is a beautiful deep rose shade with a tangy, dry flavor. Other good wines to serve are Rhine, Bur­gundy, Moselle, Sherry, Madeira, Port.

For non-alcoholic beverages, our first choice would be the non-alcoholic champagne mentioned above. Ginger ale and fruit juices, with lemon or lime ice added just before serving, make about the best non-alcoholic punch. Very thinly sliced half or quarter slices of oranges, lemons and limes, plus mint leaves add color and flavor to the punch. Or grape juice combined with lemon juice, sparkling water and orange ice is good. Punch should always be well chilled.

Coupe de Mariage

There is a European custom that has grown into popular use in this country called the Coupe de Mariage (marriage cup). Both bride and groom drink from the same cup and this happens before the toasts are drunk in their honor. Traditionally, there are two types of this ceremonial cup—the Nuremberg and the French type. The French is a small silver bowl on a low pedestal. First the bride drinks from it and then the groom. The Nurem­berg is made in the shape of a lady and her bell-shaped skirt is the base, and also a cup. Her two hands hold the little cup over her head. This little cup has elaborately carved handles on each side. There is a beautifully worked design through the entire surface. This cup is found in sterling silver or Sheffield plate, very rarely in gold, and sometimes in glass. The little cup is on hinges and dips to one side or the other. The idea is for the groom to drink from the little cup and the bride from the big one at the same time. They plight their troth first, and who finishes first will "wear the pants" in the household. They drink what beverage is being served at the reception—champagne, punch or wine. The cup is customarily placed on a covered pedestal and garlanded with flowers. It may be near the bride's and groom's places at the table or next to the wedding cake. It is festive looking, and the ceremony attached to its purpose is charming.

There are inexpensive silver cups copied in the shape of the Nuremberg cup with a little cup that swivels above the big one, but the imitations are most unattractive. It would be better not to try to have this custom at your wedding unless you own or can come into possession of one of the real cups. There are better copies of the French cup to be had at jewelers.

The Wedding Cake

Question 96: What is "Wedding Cake"?

Answer: The wedding cake is as important as the bridal veil, the gown and the wedding ring. It may be as artistic—and some­times as fantastic—as a designer's dream. It is usually decorated with intricate design—it is amazing what can be contrived with spun sugar and icing. Usually an ornament completes the top. For years a bride and groom made of paper were favorites. Now a wedding bell is used more frequently; or a small glass of water is sealed into the top layer and filled with fresh flowers.

Wedding cakes may be square or oblong, but are usually a series of round tiers, sometimes separated by columns. Cakes can tower up as high as five feet and can cost up to $5,000. There is also a wedding cake mold in the shape of entwined wedding rings, and one in the shape of a Bible. And one that is popular is a single wedding ring, the center of which is banked with fresh flowers, usually white, or very delicate pastel colors. This cake has the bride's and groom's initials (one of each) entwined on the band, made of icing. A heart shape is another kind of mold sometimes used.

True wedding cake is always dark fruit cake. The bride's cake, however, which is the elaborate iced one, is more often made of white pound cake, called lady's cake, a yellow sponge cake or it may be a white fruit cake. It is always decorated, usually elabo­rately, and usually with white icing, sugar flowers, love birds, or real flowers. If preferred, the bride's cake may be iced in pastels to match decorations, or have pastel sugar flowers as trimming. A wedding cake is correct for a second marriage but for this occasion it should be iced in a pastel shade rather than in white.

When there is a groom's cake, this is always dark fruit cake. If the bride's cake is light, the top layer is usually of dark fruit cake, sealed in a tin. Traditionally, this cake is saved for the anniversary of the couple's choice, from the first to the silver anniversary. Made properly, a fruit cake will keep moist for years. Often, brandy is poured over the fruit cake to preserve it although there are now modern methods which accomplish this result without the brandy.

Trinkets of gold and silver (and sometimes quite valuable) are wrapped in waxed paper and often baked in one tier of the bride's cake, or inserted from the bottom after baking. These are intended only for the bridal party—the bridesmaids' gifts are on the left, the ushers' on the right. Usually the bottom tier of the cake is used, and, when the trinkets are placed inside, a marking, such as an extra orange blossom bud, or a piece of white satin ribbon is used to indicate where the "surprises" are. Traditionally, the following "fortunes" are signified by each trinket: (for the bridesmaids) wishbone—luck; heart—romance; cat—old maid; ring—next to marry; dime—fortune; thimble, or miniature scissors—industry; (for the ushers) dice—luck; a button or dog—bachelor; a man's wedding ring—next to marry; gold coin—money.

Question 97: What are the traditions for cutting and serving the wedding cake?

Answer: At an elaborate formal wedding, there is sometimes a dark fruit cake on display in the large room of the reception, and a smaller, elaborately decorated tiered bride's cake at the bridal table in front of the bride and groom. The larger wedding cake is the one the bride and groom cut together ceremoniously. At a formal wedding breakfast where everyone is seated, the only cake is the small one at the bride's table. The bride, with the groom's help, cuts this cake, and the first slice they feed each other one bite. Then the caterer's man cuts the remainder and serves the guests. At a smaller wedding (one less elaborate than a formal reception but not a seated wedding breakfast), a cake, usually of several tiers, is cut by the bride and groom together from the bottom tier, after which the waiter finishes the slicing. There are times when both the bride's cake and the groom's cake are cut ceremoniously during the reception. When this is done, the groom feeds the bride a bite of his cake and she feeds him a bite of hers. When the budget is limited, the groom's cake is a luxury which may be omitted. When it is included, it is often packaged in advance in rectangular boxes, triangles, squares or heart-shaped boxes. These boxes are small, 4½" x 3" x 1¾", covered with white paper and monogrammed with the bride's and groom's initials in silver or gold or pastels. They may be tied with white satin ribbons. They are passed around on a large silver tray to the guests at the reception by one of the brides­maids, an usher or a waiter. Or they are arranged on a series of silver trays and left on convenient tables for guests to help them­selves. Unfortunately when this is done, some guests take addi­tional boxes for their children or friends or servants at home, and there isn't enough to go around to all guests. It is therefore recommended that the trays be passed and not left out. It is, of course, less expensive to pass the cake, as noted above, or to have the caterer neatly package the cake in cellophane or white paper cake bags (6" x 8"), lined with wax paper and decorated in silver or gold. When the groom's cake is boxed and passed to the guests on silver trays, one little box is always placed at the place setting of each of the bridal party at the bridal table. When there is not a groom's cake but only the bride's, it is thoughtful to offer the guests the paper napkins described to take home some of this "to dream on."

Note: One authority indicates that after the groom's cake is cut at the large reception, it is then removed to the kitchen and cut and packed into the small white cake boxes to be passed to guests before they leave. This was a custom of the elegant past days when there were plenty of servants. (We mention it here in the event that someone's mother believes it is the only way it should be done.) In our present time, there is not enough help to have the groom's cake cut up in the kitchen and packed in the small boxes while the guests are attending the reception. Very few people do the packing themselves unless they want to bake their own cake for budgetary reasons. Usually the caterer does the packaging complete to tied white satin bows and any touches of decoration such as orange blossoms attached to the ribbons.

Question 98: What is the correct way to cut a dark fruit cake?

Answer: Since it is practically impossible to cut a fruit cake thin, the slices should be made fairly thick and then cut so that rec­tangles are formed. Point the knife into the cake at a semi-vertical angle rather than attempting to force the knife hori­zontally straight through. The latter method may cause the cake to crumble. V-shaped or wedge-shaped pieces do not fit into the little boxes.

Question 99: How does one determine the size of the cake in order to serve all invited to the reception?

Answer: Usually it is reckoned that there are ten pieces of cake to a pound. A sixteen-pound cake will serve one hundred and sixty guests.

Note: For cake-cutting procedure, see Chapter VII on Reception.

Transportation and Parking

Question 100: What arrangements should be made for transporta­tion and parking in connection with the wedding ceremony and reception?

Answer: Limousines must be ordered, or cars borrowed, to trans­port the bridal party from home to church and from church to reception. If cars are borrowed from friends, each friend should plan to drive his own for the wedding party since no member of it will be able to drive that day—each one is far too dressed up (besides, it is not correct to do so). If cars are borrowed from friends, plan to drape and fasten a sheet around the seat of the bride's car and over the floor to protect the bridal gown. For a very small informal wedding in the city, taxis may be called by the door man in the building, or by telephone. Whatever pro­vision is made for transportation, it should be planned in ad­vance—never wait until the moment for departure and get every­one on the curb while father or someone frantically hails a cab.

In Bermuda, the quaint carriages are ordered instead of limousines, and everyone goes to church in a carriage!

A bridal party never walks in wedding clothes from home to church or from church to reception, with but one exception: when the bride is the daughter of the clergyman of the church and lives in the manse adjacent to the church where the cere­mony is to be held. In this instance the bridal party and the groom's parents form a procession: first the mother and father of the groom; then the bride's mother and honor attendant; next the bridesmaids; and finally the bride on her father's arm. At­tired in their wedding clothes, they walk the few steps from home to church.

Following are requirements and suggestions in regard to transportation and parking: Send one car for the groom's mother and father. Depending on the length of time it takes to get from their home to church (and do not forget to figure in the possibility of traffic congestion), order the car so that they will arrive at the church from five to ten minutes in advance of the time the ceremony is scheduled to begin. Order cars to arrive at the bride's home fifteen minutes in advance of the time the wedding party plans to leave for the church.

One car will hold three to five bridesmaids, depending on the size of the limousine and the width of their skirts. The maid or matron of honor and the bride's mother share one car. One car is needed for the bride and her father. They ride to church alone, in the back seat, together. (Under no circumstances should the bride's father drive his own car.)

The order just given is the one to follow in leaving the bride's home and in arriving at the church.

The groom, best man and ushers are supposed to get them­selves to church on their own.

Note: Occasionally this arrangement may be altered to have some of the bridesmaids ride in the bride's mother's car and the others with the maid-of-honor in another car. In some instances it is considered important that the tires of the car in which the bride and her father ride to church be white and that the chauffeur wear a white boutonniere.

The bride and groom customarily ride alone side by side in the first car, on the way from the church to the reception. Both sets of parents follow in the second car. The best man and honor attendants, ushers and bridesmaids in couples are in the next few cars (usually four to six in each car). Sometimes a dif­ferent arrangement is made for the cars leaving the church: the bride and groom leave together in one car, then bridesmaids and honor attendants together in as many cars as necessary. The parents of the bride, with relatives and friends, follow in a third car, then the parents of the groom with their relatives and friends in another car. If there are enough cars, the best man and ushers follow in these; otherwise, they get themselves to the place of the reception in whatever way they wish.

Wives and husbands of best man and ushers, honor attendant and bridesmaids should have had provisions made previously to be transported to the reception separately from the bridal party. It is not the responsibility of the bride's parents to squeeze them in with the bridal attendants. And there is no time to look out for them at the end of the ceremony when it is imperative for the bridal party to move as quickly as possible to the recep­tion.

If there are grandmothers or maiden aunts who must be looked out for, the bride's family had better have an extra car ready for them.

It is customary to invite the clergyman and his wife to the reception, and to provide transportation for them. While the clergyman is taking off his vestments and fetching his wife, the others will have gone on; it is a good plan therefore to have a personal friend of the family wait for them to drive them over. (Be sure they were all introduced previously if they have not known one another before.)

Bridesmaids should always meet at the home of the bride to be transported to the church, whether or not they have been asked to dress at her home. It is their responsibility to get them­selves to the bride's home. The bride's hired car is not supposed to pick them up at their individual addresses. Sometimes the bride's father arranges to do this because he wants to. That is fine, of course. But he does not have an obligation to make such arrangements. When there are reasons why bridesmaids are to meet the bride at the church instead of her home, the bride's father may or may not send cars for them individually—it prob­ably depends on where they live. When the wedding is at the bride's home, or a hotel or club, bridesmaids customarily get themselves to the place of the ceremony. Should the wedding be in one place and the reception in another, however, the bride's family should provide transportation for the bridal party and the parents from one place to the other. The bride's father is not under obligation to get the girls in the bridal party back to their own homes after the reception. They should make plans for this themselves in advance of the wedding. Of course, if any of the bridesmaids are from out of town and do not know any­one, the bride's family will have provided for them.

Give the limousine company specific instructions: the names and address of the groom's parents; the date and hour they are to be picked up; the name and address of the church where they are to be delivered; the name and address of the bride's family; the number of limousines desired; the date and hour they are to reach the bride's home; the name and address of the church to which they will go with the wedding party. Then give the company the approximate time the drivers are to wait to drive everyone to the reception. And give the name and address of the place of the reception. Decide the number of cars you will need for reception transportation, and instruct the company on this. And decide whether you will need any of the hired cars to wait during the reception to drive anyone home. Companies charge by the mile or by the hour, whichever is greater. Be care­ful, therefore, before you ask a driver to wait during the re­ception. After explicit directions have been given to the limou­sine company, telephone them a day or so before the ceremony and ask them to repeat all instructions. Companies large or small may inadvertently confuse orders. It is wise to double-check.

It is customary to tip the drivers of hired limousines. If the bride's father has a charge account with the company the tip may be charged on the bill. Otherwise the father should make provision for someone to do this tipping for him. However, if one of the drivers should hint to some member of the wedding party or the groom's parents that a tip is expected, the bride's father may report this driver to the company. A driver is not supposed to embarrass the host by indicating in any way to any guest that money is expected from a guest.

Some limousine companies now have air conditioned cars. When ordering cars for a summer wedding the air conditioned ones should be requested.

Make plans with a policeman to handle traffic at the church and the place of the reception. It is customary to give these policemen generous tips.

The problem of parking at a large reception should be studied carefully in advance. In a city, of course, there are park­ing areas. In the country, there may not be too much of a prob­lem since there is usually plenty of space. However, where there are to be many guests, even with space, system is needed. It is possible to rent a parking service, complete with a man to open doors, a checking system for car owners, someone to drive the owners' cars and park them, and an amplification system whereby the cars are brought to each individual as he comes out of the reception. This company will send a man out in advance to in­vestigate the possibility of using a field near the home as a parking area. In case of rain, snow or ice the company provides straw, sand or ashes in order to prevent cars from getting stuck. Most country clubs and hotels in the suburbs have parking areas adequate for a number of guests. Here, too, policemen will be needed to keep things organized.

Question 100A: How are the out-of-town members of the wedding party provided for?

Answer: In most instances, the families of the bride and groom act as hosts. Honor attendants and bridesmaids from out of town are accommodated by the bride's family, either at the home of a friend or relative or in a hotel. (In these modern times, it is no longer necessary for the young ladies to be chaperoned should they have to stay overnight at a hotel. The only exception might be in the case of a very young girl who has never been away from home alone before.) Husbands (if any of the girls are married) are also accommodated by the bride's parents when they ac­company their wives from out of town to the wedding. The bride's parents are not responsible for meals or other expenses incurred at a hotel by these attendants, only the room rate. Out-of-town members of the wedding party customarily pay their own traveling expenses to the bride's town. If a child from out of town is invited by the bride's family to participate in the wedding, her family naturally accommodates the child and her parents while they are visiting in their city.

The bride's family is not responsible for the traveling ex­penses of the groom's family if the latter lives out of town. Nor are they obligated to put them up in a hotel. They often feel, however, that they would like to pay their hotel bill or find a relative or friend with whom they may stay even if they do not offer to pay traveling expenses for them. One should be very careful before offering to pay such expenses—it might appear insulting to the parents. People do not like others to think that they cannot afford to pay their own way.

The groom's family is responsible for the accommodations for the best man and ushers and their wives from out of town. They do not, however, assume traveling expenses for them.

Wedding Gifts

Question 101: Is it necessary to compile a list of wedding gifts?

Answer: Very necessary. While each gift should be acknowledged the day it arrives, this is not always possible. The listing will enable the bride to identify the donor of each gift. Furthermore, such a list will be of great help when taking out the insurance on the gifts.

Question 102: What is the best method of listing the gifts?

Answer: Unless the bride has received one as a gift, she should buy a gift listing book. This is a white book, 10" x 10" or larger and is available in any stationery department or good book shop. It will have many pages with lines, and headings as follows:

No. ____ Name and Address of Donor. Gift. Purchased From.

Date Acknowledged. It will have a page of gummed numbered stickers from 1 to possibly 200. As each gift arrives, unwrap and stick on a number. Enter the number of the gift, the name of the donor, what the gift is, the store from which it came, the date received and the date acknowledged. Acknowledge each gift the day it arrives if at all possible.

If the wedding is called off, you return all presents. If it is merely postponed, you do not return them.

A bride has the privilege of exchanging wedding gifts if she wishes, provided the gift has not been monogrammed. It is cer­tainly better to exchange a gift than to keep something which will never be used and merely stored in basement or attic. But to exchange a great many gifts does not seem the best taste. And a bride never exchanges the gift sent by her own family or the groom's without permission from that family.

Question 103: When and how are gifts acknowledged?

Answer: Gifts should be acknowledged as promptly as possible— as we have said above, the day on which they are received is the time if this can possibly be managed. Those who give gifts are entitled to know when their presents arrive. If the thank-you notes cannot go out the day gifts are received, try to send them within a few days. At worst, they should never be later than three or four weeks after the wedding date.

The thank-you notes are always written by the bride—never the groom—by hand. She may use light cream, pale blue or gray paper, but white is the best choice. Informals are not cor­rect; double fold social stationery should be used. Never use loud shades, or printed or contrasting borders. Monogrammed paper—maiden initials for notes sent before marriage, married initials for those after—is acceptable. Be sure to order enough envelopes. Always use blue or black ink. There is a current trend, among some people, to use printed thank-you cards. Some pho­tographers promote the idea of a white fold-over card with a candid shot of bride and groom on their wedding day on the out­side, and a printed thank-you message on the inside. These cards are being used by some, and those who receive them often think them "clever" or "cute." Their use is certainly not traditionally accepted as socially correct. Many people still believe that when a friend or relative has thought enough of the bride and groom to spend time, money and effort to select and send a wedding present, that person deserves a hand written personal note of thanks. On the other hand, those who use the cards reason that when many gifts are coming in fast, the bride, busier than she has ever been in her life, cannot possibly get the hand written notes done—especially before the wedding. Also, many gifts come in very close to the wedding day, or actually on it, and she would not be able to send notes until after the honeymoon—certainly no one would expect her to write notes during the honeymoon—therefore, she might as well have the photographed cards ready which someone can address and mail for her while she is away. Anything of this sort is, after all, a matter of personal taste and opinion. If the bride personally likes the little cards, she may use them. But she should be well aware if she does that she is adopting a modern method, a new streamlined way of handling an old, established social custom—and be very sure that this is really what she wants to do in connection with her wedding.

In the case of a very large social wedding, it is acceptable to have cards engraved that read something like this:

Susan Elizabeth Arnold
acknowledges the receipt of your gift
and will write to thank you
as soon as possible

Then the bride may write as many thank-you notes as she can before the wedding and the remainder after the honeymoon. Even for a very large wedding the bride customarily writes the thank-you notes by hand. If she wishes, she may ask a friend or secretary to help her with this.

In the case of a quick marriage (when the groom is leaving for foreign service or a new position out of town) a bride's mother or sister may write an advance thank-you note to donors, explaining that they will hear direct from the bride later. As soon as possible, then, the bride writes again. If it does not seem practical for the gifts to be forwarded by the bride's family im­mediately, they should be described to her in detail so that when she writes the thank-you notes she will be able to refer to the gifts correctly.

Question 104: To whom are gifts acknowledged?

Answer: To everyone who sends a gift. Even one's closest friends and near relatives, whom one sees or talks with nearly every day, should receive a personal, hand written note.

When wedding gifts are sent by a married couple, the bride always directs the thank-you note to the wife. The husband may be mentioned in the body of the note. Some people prefer to begin such a note: "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jones" but, while this is not actually incorrect, it is not as good usage as directing it to the wife. When the bride goes on to say "thank you for" the "you" is inclusive and refers to the husband as well as the wife. When a wedding gift is sent from a group of co-workers in an office, and the card is signed, say "From the Credit Department" the bride writes one thank-you note and directs it to "Members of the Credit Department." If the card is signed by individuals, a thank-you note should be sent to each individual.

Question 105: What should one say in thank-you notes?

Answer: For samples of notes to the various kinds of donors, see Supplement I. When a gift is a check or a gift certificate, the bride should mention in the thank-you note, if possible, some article of lasting importance that she and the groom plan to buy with it. Always thank each donor for the specific gift sent. If by any chance you and your family cannot decide what a par­ticular gift is, or for what purpose it is intended, call it "your piece of silver, glass, or china." What, you write is not as im­portant as the tone of warmth and sincerity you convey. Your notes should not be effusive but they should include some per­sonal touch in connection with each person or his gift.

When you know a person well, you naturally sign your first name. When you do not know the donor very well and you write before marriage, you sign your first and last name (maiden last name) and of course you never use the title "Miss" with your signature. After marriage when you write someone you do not know well you sign your first name and your married name or, which is helpful to the recipients often, your first name, maiden surname and married name. And of course you never use the title "Mrs." nor sign your notes as "Mrs. John Ellis." And in the conclusion you would never use the word "truly" in any of its combinations since that is the word used strictly in business cor­respondence.

Even though you exchange a gift, when you write a thank-you note it is for the original present sent. If you plan to exchange one, you may or may not let the donor know, depending upon how well you know him. Your decision concerning this is en­tirely a question of personal circumstances.

When gifts are returned because a wedding has been called off, a note should go too, simply saying that one is not to be married. One does not need to say why nor give any details or circumstances. The note should thank the donor for sending the present. Even if a piece has been monogrammed, it should, in this case, be returned to the donor.

A question that is perplexing to some brides is whether or not to send thank-you notes for the congratulatory telegrams that are received the day of the wedding. There is no traditional obligation about this that we know of. On the basis of personal feeling, we believe that it would be the thing to send a note or a postal card from some stop on the honeymoon, thanking these people for their telegrams. Or, after the honeymoon, to send a note to those living out of town and to telephone those near-by. It would seem that some mention of this thoughtful gesture should be made.

Question 106: What does one do when a gift arrives broken or damaged?

Answer: First check to see whether it was sent direct from the store where it was purchased. If so, take up the question of replace­ment with this firm. You will not need to bother the donor un­less the store is unwilling to make the proper adjustment. If the gift was sent direct from the donor, check to see whether the parcel was insured. If it was, by all means let your friend know what happened in order that he may collect from the Post Office and replace the gift. If it was not insured, you will have to de­cide whether you will ever reveal to your friend that the gift arrived broken. If you do mention it, he will, of course, feel that he must buy you something else. In any event, you will send a thank-you note, and if you do not mention the damage, he may wonder what you did with the gift if he never sees it. A fine point which only you can decide for yourself!

Question 107: Is it customary to display gifts?

Answer: They may or may not be displayed, according to the bride's personal preference. When deciding whether to or not, remember that if one is displayed, all must be. People who see presents displayed will naturally look for the gifts they sent.

Question 108: Where are wedding gifts displayed?

Answer: Always at the bride's home, never at the place of the reception if that is held anywhere other than the bride's home. If the reception is not held at home, the gifts are displayed at home and a tea or cocktail party, or some other affair is given in advance of the wedding for friends and relatives to see the gifts. Sometimes two parties are given for guests to see the gifts, one for the bride's and groom's friends, the other for relatives and parents' friends. Often, however, there is but one party for all.

Question 109: How are gifts usually displayed?

Answer: You must, of course, arrange your gifts effectively and pro­vide a suitable place for them. If you have a great many gifts, choose a room for their display that is large enough for long tables. You will probably have to remove all other pieces of fur­niture from this room. If card tables are not adequate, before you rent trestle tables, see if you may borrow them from the church basement. Arrange them like counters around the sides of the room and down the center. If you do not have enough large white damask or lace cloths to cover the tables, buy inex­pensive sheer fabrics in pastel shades to harmonize with the decor of the room for the coverings. Some of the larger gift boxes may be covered with the same material and used to show some of the smaller gifts to better advantage on the table top. Be sure to have low vases or bowls of fresh flowers on the tables. If the wedding reception is to be at home, the cloths on the table may be decorated with green smilax.

The gifts are not put on the display tables until they have had the numbered stickers affixed and been properly entered in the gift listing book. Customarily, donors' cards are removed from gifts when they are displayed. Some feel that there is no reason why cards should not be left on gifts for display, since everyone wants to know who gave which gifts, and by leaving on cards the bride's family will not be kept busy answering questions. But most agree that cards should be removed before display, and this is the practice most generally followed.

Thought and some skill should go into the arrangement of gifts. Duplicates should not be shown together. Usually silver is arranged together, china together (just one place setting of each), and crystal. If possible, lamps might be connected and lighted. One should be careful not to place an inexpensive gift beside an elaborate or expensive one.
Note: If you are receiving a great many gifts and feel puzzled about the best way to arrange them, there are experts who can be called upon from department stores, or jewelers. Display tables may also be rented from them or they will know where such tables may be had.

One does not display gifts of checks. Instead, the amount of each should be written on a separate, plain white card, without the name of the donor. The cards may then be included with the display of gifts. Occasionally the checks may be laid out on a flat surface, one above the other so that the signatures are re­vealed but the balance of the check is covered, the amount on the top check being covered with a strip of white paper. Then mount them all with a square of glass. In this manner, those who have sent checks will not feel that their gifts are being neglected.

Shower gifts may be displayed with the wedding gifts. These may be arranged on a separate table or coordinated with the wedding gifts as preferred. It is not considered good taste to include the bride's personal trousseau with the gift display, but household linens may be included.

Once in a while a bride does not receive all her gifts before her wedding day and may have some doubts as to whether she should display any but, if the reception is at home, she knows that guests will expect to see the gifts displayed. (Those who have sent gifts will want to see them out.) It would seem perfectly proper for her to show what she has received. Tastefully ar­ranged together with shower gifts and bowls of fresh flowers, the presents will be effective.

Question ho: How are gifts protected when they are on display?

Answer: One should always take out a temporary floater insurance policy for the gifts while they are on display. If the gifts are of great value, a private detective should be hired to guard them the entire day of the wedding. If such a measure proves too dis­tasteful or too expensive, a friend or relative may be assigned to this task. But someone will be needed to do this since profes­sional burglars spot weddings in a community—especially if the wedding and reception are at home. The loss of a treasured gift would certainly be a blot on the most beautiful wedding day.

Photographs

Question hi: What kind of photographs usually are taken of the bride and the wedding?

Answer: Formal photographic "portraits" of the bride; candid shots of the wedding party, the ceremony (sometimes), the receiving line, the reception, the take-off for the honeymoon; occasionally three dimensional pictures, colored pictures and color movies.

Question 112: When are the formal bridal portraits taken?

Answer: Usually from two to four weeks in advance of the wedding, at the last fitting of the wedding gown. Most shops provide space for the photographer chosen by the bride's family to bring his equipment and take the pictures. The shop can have the gown pressed and ready and the veil ready. It is all very convenient since the bride does not then have to transport the gown and veil to a studio. (The photographer is supposed to furnish an artificial bouquet similar to the one the bride will carry on her wedding day.) For these formal portraits, the bride should use very little make-up. Mascara, eyeshadow and heavy lipstick would make her face look harsh in the bridal gown and veil. After the photographing is over, the shop will press and remove any spots from the gown and deliver it with the veil crisp and fresh the day before the wedding.

Taking bridal portraits of the bride alone, in advance of the wedding, is a practice more generally followed in some communi­ties than in others, and is understandable since experience has in­dicated that the photographs taken of a bride who is not under­going the nervousness and excitement of the wedding day bring about better portraits. (Another reason of course that one may then submit glossies to the newspapers to be released, with the announcement, as news the day after the wedding.)

Some people think the bride is never as radiant as on her wedding day but, while this is true, she may also get quite tired and wilted looking if she is required to dress several hours before the wedding and make a trip to the photographer's studio to be photographed with the bridegroom and bridal attendants. By the time she walks down the aisle she cannot possibly look as crisp and fresh as if she had just come from her own home. (Besides, according to tradition, she is not supposed to see the groom on her wedding day until she meets him at the altar.)

Another solution would be to have the photographer bring his equipment to the bride's home on the wedding day about two hours before the time set for the ceremony. The bride gets into her bridal gown and veil, spends from one-half to three-quarters of an hour posing for the formal portraits. This will give her something to do with herself so that she will not have time to be nervous before the ceremony. After the photographer has finished, the bride might then take off her gown, refreshen her make-up, and dress again in a leisurely way. Under this arrange­ment, she will not have a glossy print of herself in her bridal gown to send to the newspapers in advance. Also she may find herself a bit rushed at the end. But it is a possibility for those who prefer not to be photographed in advance.

Some people want pictures of the bride taken not in a studio or a store but in her own home. In this case, the portraits can still be made in advance of the wedding for distribution to the news­papers.

Question 113: When and how are pictures sent to newspapers?

Answer: If the bride's family is socially prominent or famous, the newspapers will be after them for press releases. Otherwise it is customary for the family to submit a picture and a story to the newspaper, which may or may not feature it on the society pages. An 8" x 10" glossy picture of the bride in her wedding gown is usually furnished free of charge by the photographer because the newspaper uses his name under the picture when it is printed in the paper. The story sent with the picture usually includes a description of the bridal gown, veil and bridal bouquet, a descrip­tion of bridal attendants' outfits, an account of the schools, careers, and clubs of bride and groom, as well as a mention of any distinguished relatives. It also announces the new "at home" address. In large cities the story and picture will need to be in the hands of the society editor from three days to four weeks in advance of the wedding date. The photographer can tell you when it should be in, or you can telephone the newspaper to find out.

In smaller towns it may not be necessary to label the news article that describes a wedding with a release date because it is obvious that the article describing a wedding should not be published until the wedding is taking place or is over. In large cities, however, with all the commotion of a society editor's desk on a large newspaper, we would advise putting on the release date ("To be released November 1") in red pencil across the top of the article. Furthermore, the glossy picture should be stapled to the article, so that it will not get separated from it on the editor's desk.

When the picture and announcement of the marriage are sent to newspapers, it may be mentioned, if this is a second marriage, that there was a previous marriage—or this may be omitted, as preferred. Be careful to give all proper names in full, no initials, and check the spelling.

All information for newspapers should be typed, double-spaced, and sent in care of the Society Editor. The responsibility of seeing that the announcement of the wedding gets to the news­papers rests with the family of the bride. It is sometimes necessary that a member of the family take the information to the papers in person in older to assure its authenticity and a signature is usually required when the story is delivered. In any event, be sure to have a home telephone number on the release so that the editor may call just before release to verify that the wedding will still take place. Weddings have been postponed or called off!

Naturally the wedding story is not printed until the wedding is over. Sometimes the family wishes to send an advance notice that the wedding is to take place. This is not often done unless the newspapers ask for it. This is the same description of the wedding except that it says the wedding "is to" occur rather than that it has taken place.

Newspapers occasionally ask for additional information, such as the names of out-of-town guests, the decorations, and if the family is well known in the community, the papers will also have a photographer at the wedding ceremony to take pictures which may be used in conjunction with the article.

Send the story of the wedding to any local papers desired, to papers in any other towns where the family may have lived, and ask the groom's family in what newspapers they would like to have the story appear. The bride's parents may make newspaper announcement of her marriage in local papers when she has been married away from home in a very quiet ceremony. A picture does not usually accompany such an announcement.

In addition to the news stories mentioned above, the bride's family may want to notify the papers of parties being given by the bride's or groom's families, or for the bride and groom, or for the bride alone; and of a listing of the names of the bridal attendants, the best man and the ushers.

Note: The bride should ask someone to save all clippings for her to keep in her memoir book.

Question i 14: Why are candid photographs taken and what arrange­ments are made for them?

Answer: The bride's family usually books the services of a "candid" photographer to take a picture story of the wedding. Many times the same photographer does both the formal and the candid (informal) pictures. At other times the family prefers to book one man for the formal pictures and another for the candids. For the candids, be certain that the man selected understands what pictures the bride and groom and their families are espe­cially interested in having; that he takes competent shots of people, and that he is one who will stay on the job all during the ceremony and reception. (It is not helpful or pleasant to have a man who makes the mistake of dipping into the champagne too enthusiastically, thus forgetting his picture taking.) Also, it is always better to employ a professional than to depend on a personal friend who takes pictures. The wedding day is over faster than one dreams possible. Pictures live on through the years. But if they do not turn out well, the story is lost forever.

The photographer should be sure to check with the clergy­man to learn whether pictures may be taken of the ceremony. Often flash pictures are not permitted, but there is a time exposure possible to make from the rear of the church. But some clergymen will not permit photographers in the church under any circumstances. You—and the photographer—should know the regulations in advance.

He will take shots of the bride's mother pinning the bridal veil on her daughter before they leave home; of the bride and her father in the limousine on the way to church; of the bride and groom together immediately after the ceremony and at the reception; of guests going through the receiving line; of the best man's toast; of the traditional dances; cutting the cake; throwing the bouquet; the "get away," plus many others of guests at the tables.

After the honeymoon is over and the bride and family have selected, from the proofs, the candid shots they want to order, the pictures will be bound into a book—that is the story of the wedding. The bride may order duplicate books if she wishes— one for her family, one for the groom's family, and one for her­self and the groom. Sometimes some of the pictures are selected and put together into small books which the bride gives as presents to the bridal attendants and the groom to the grooms­men.

Note: Professional motion pictures of the wedding are not advisable if they require equipment for indoor shots. These are more suit­able for outdoor weddings.

Three-dimensional pictures in color are fast gaining in popularity.

Pre-Wedding Entertainment

Question 115: What are the traditions of "pre-wedding entertain­ment"?

Answer: Traditionally, the following parties are considered part of pre-wedding entertainment—some or all may be included in the wedding plans, or none, according to personal taste: the bridesmaids' luncheon, tea for friends to see gifts and trousseau, the bridal, or rehearsal, dinner, the bachelor dinner.

Question 116: What are the procedures for the bridesmaids' luncheon?

Answer: The bride's luncheon for her bridesmaids is usually given the last week before the wedding, but may be given earlier if more convenient. Occasionally, if some of the bridesmaids are traveling from a distance to attend the wedding and arrive just the evening before the wedding day, this luncheon is given on the day of the wedding, provided, of course, the wedding hour is set for late in the afternoon or in the evening. Also, this party does not have to be luncheon. It may be an evening party, especially when all the girls are working, or before an early afternoon wedding, a bride might give a breakfast for her bridesmaids.

Whatever the party, it is usually—but not necessarily—given in the bride's home. It is also the time the bride usually chooses to give her attendants their gifts.

Even when the wedding is most informal, it is still customary for the bride to give this party for her attendants. Instead of giving the luncheon the bride may, if she prefers, make the party an afternoon tea, a cocktail party, a dinner or a buffet—anything, in fact, except a bridge party, a theatre party or a dance. What­ever the party, it is traditional to have a small bride's cake iced in pink, and to have white wine or champagne (and/or ginger ale) to toast the bride. At this party one may go all out on crepe paper decorations and novelties, if one likes that sort of thing. And no matter when the party is held or what kind it is, it is all feminine—no males attend.

Question 117: What are the practices concerning the tea for friends to see the gifts and trousseau?

Answer: The traditional tea to show the wedding gifts and trousseau is always all feminine, also. It is not as frequently given as other pre-wedding affairs, but is a pleasant gesture, especially if the wedding reception is being held away from home. Close friends and relatives always love to see the wedding presents.

Another gracious practice is the giving of a Sunday afternoon tea or reception or a Sunday night supper by the bride's family before the wedding for the purpose of introducing the relatives and close friends of both families. This is usually a gay, relaxed, informal party, which makes it very much easier for everyone on wedding day—they can at least identify one another, know some­thing of individual interests and therefore material for conversa­tion!

Question 118: When and by whom is the bridal dinner given, and what are the procedures concerning it?

Answer: The bridal dinner (or rehearsal dinner as some call it) is usually given immediately following the wedding rehearsal, and sometimes immediately before the rehearsal. It does not have to be a dinner: the time of the rehearsal is sometimes the governing factor in deciding whether the bridal "dinner" will in fact be a dinner, a luncheon, a cocktail party or a tea.

The bride's mother plans to give the bridal dinner unless the groom's mother offers to do so. It may be given at the home of whichever one is hostess, or it may be given at a hotel, club or restaurant.

This dinner (or party) includes the parents of the bride and groom, all members of the bridal party, their husbands and wives, the clergyman and his wife, the musicians (if they are personal friends and have attended the rehearsal), out-of-town guests—and, naturally, the bride and groom I

Depending on when the rehearsal is scheduled, this dinner may occur within the last week before the wedding, or—more often—the night before. Some people believe this night, how­ever, should be reserved for the bride to spend at home with her family. Others do not think this important because the dinner, customarily, is over early and the bride can be alone with her family for a quiet time and a good night's rest.

If the bridal dinner is formal, it should be handled as any formal dinner: with flower decorations, everyone seated, and placecards (see seating arrangements under that section of this chapter). For a less formal wedding, the dinner may be a buffet or a supper party depending on, as we have said, the time of the rehearsal. Even if the "dinner" is most informal, crepe paper decorations or gimmicky ideas are not considered appropriate. The arrangements should be more in the nature of a formal dinner than a side show.

At any party connected with wedding festivity, make sure to provide a beverage to toast the bride and groom—whether alcoholic or non-alcoholic does not matter.

In large cities, the custom of the bridal or rehearsal dinner is not observed as generally as in small communities or in the country where everyone may be from out of town. In the city, when the hour of the rehearsal permits, a tea or cocktail party is considered most desirable since everyone is then free to go his or her own way.

Invitations for the bridal dinner may be given by note or word of mouth. Often the hostess simply uses her visiting card which is the usual form of informal invitations today (see Supple­ment I for wording). The guest responds as informally as the invitation is sent—probably on a visiting card, or by a little, in­formal, hand-written note, or by telephone.

Sometimes the bride and groom use the occasion of the bridal dinner for giving gifts to their attendants.

Question 119: When, by whom, and how is the bachelor dinner given and what are the traditions?

Answer: The bachelor dinner is traditionally the groom's last night out as a bachelor and for this reason is supposed to occur the night before the wedding day—after the bridal dinner. Experi­ence has proven that this is not the most desirable night for it (to have all male members of the wedding party with weary looks and bad headaches makes for a sad wedding). Some other night should be selected, therefore, if possible.

The groom may act as host, or the best man may, sometimes the men all chip in to give the party for the groom, or they all go out on the town and each simply pays his own bill. It is perfectly acceptable for a relative or friend of the groom to give the party. No matter who gives the party, or how it is given, it is usually the time when the groom gives the best man and the ushers their gifts if these have not already been presented at the bridal dinner. The festivities are entirely and exclusively for men—women are never included.

Sometime during the proceedings at the bachelor dinner, the groom rises to his feet, and all the men with him (usually after they have all been served), and proposes his toast to the bride, with his glass raised, filled, presumably with champagne. If champagne is not being served, the toast should be made with wine—not a whiskey highball or a Manhattan or Martini. When the men simply go out on the town, it is suspected that this toast is made with any drink from beer to vodka, depending on the men's choice—and it might be a different beverage in the hands of each man.

There is a tradition that at the bachelor dinner everyone drink to the bride in champagne, then break the glass so that it may never be used for "a less worthy purpose."

After the toast, the stem of the champagne glass is snapped, or the entire glass thrown in the fireplace, or crushed underfoot. While some say this is no longer done, others say that it is still a popular custom. Restaurants and hotels are prepared for bachelor dinners with inexpensive glassware which, when broken, does not amount to much in costs—the host is always billed for the breakage. If the dinner is being given in a private home, the host should certainly be forewarned of this custom and not serve the champagne in best family crystal.

The groom, or whoever acts as host at the bachelor dinner, issues the invitations. These are most informal, probably by word of mouth. Sometimes music is planned for the evening, if it is a dinner, and sometimes entertainment.

Question 120: Are any other pre-wedding parties customary or per­missible?

Answer: In some places, it is customary for the bridesmaids to enter­tain the bride with a luncheon, cocktail party or tea, either individually or collectively, at home, hotel or club. They may give their wedding presents at that time, or not, as they wish.

Note: If one of your bridesmaids comes from a distance, you will probably be sure to think to have her included in any parties given in your honor. If she is not married, perhaps the groom or one of his friends will know of a suitable male escort for her.

In the South, it is a custom for the maid or matron of honor to give a spinster dinner for the bride, or see that someone else does.

Or, we have heard that brides sometimes say farewell to their single lives with a "maiden dinner" in company with her bridal attendants, or alone with a close friend. It might be at home or in a hotel, restaurant or club. This dinner is supposed to be the same night as the groom's bachelor dinner. However, the bride would not be likely to schedule her party on the night before the wedding because nearly every bride wants that night at home with her family.

Note: Some people say that champagne or alcoholic drinks should not be served at any party where ladies are gathered alone with­out men in the group and that they do not offer toasts. This would refer to the bridesmaids' luncheon and the spinster din­ner. Others say that it is acceptable to serve cocktails, champagne or wine and that it is customary to toast the bride and groom. Use your own judgment and personal taste. In any event, such bever­ages are frequently served to groups of young women, especially in a private home.

Occasionally the best man and ushers entertain for the bride and groom—inviting both sexes—to a party as formal or as in­formal as desired, in fact any kind of party at any time of day or night they like. The invitations are as formal or as informal as the party. The guests include the wedding party, out-of-town guests, possibly some relatives of the bride and groom, and any of the friends of the bride and groom or of their parents that the best man and ushers, as hosts, want to invite, depending on the size of the party.

The neighbors and friends who are always saying "What may we do to help?" might be asked to serve the bridal attendants and out of town guests a meal before the wedding and thus freeing the bride's mother of this extra responsibility. This meal may be the most informal kind—it would certainly not be formal in view of the importance of the wedding scheduled for that same day. The bride's parents and the bride may attend or may feel free to ask to be left at home to relax a bit and to attend to the many last minute details. The groom's parents and the grooms­men are included if convenient for them. This kind of enter­tainment should not have an obligation attached to the invitation—it should be for the convenience of any or all.

It is wise to avoid excessive entertaining the week before the wedding. An over-champagned wedding group spoils the wed­ding day.

Note: It is nice if the bride can find time to send a little thank you note to the hostess the day after any party given in her honor.

Bride's and Groom's Gifts to Each Other and to Attendants:

Their Parents' Gifts to Them

Question 121: What is the tradition concerning the exchange of gifts between the bride and groom?

Answer: There is no obligation on the part of the bride or groom to exchange gifts. Usually, however, they do exchange gifts at the time of their wedding although occasionally they will agree to wait for their first anniversary. Much like the exchange of Christmas presents between husband and wife, they try to be practical, then get sentimental about wanting to give presents to each other. When they do exchange gifts, they select those of a personal nature but within good taste as well as within their means. The ideal gifts are those of enduring value.

The groom might give his bride a piece of jewelry—but he should be very certain of her taste or take her with him when he selects it. An heirloom, or a fine piece of jewelry (such as a strand of cultured pearls), make appropriate gifts. She would probably wear such a gift on her wedding day unless it were not suitable for her costume. Most authorities agree that any gifts are suitable except those of clothing, household furnishings or automobiles. The rules have relaxed so far in this respect, however, that the bride of today whose husband is in a good financial position may express a desire for anything from a sable coat to a Jaguar.

The bride might give her husband-to-be a set of matched luggage, a silver picture frame or silver dresser set, a handsome watch, gold cuff links, a monogrammed wallet, a movie camera (discover whether he would like to have a special lens on it)— add the projector if the budget permits—an office desk set, or an elegant chess set.

These gifts may be as inexpensive or as expensive as desired. If the bride and groom cannot afford expensive presents, the thought behind an inexpensive one will be just as meaningful as one on which a great deal of money might be spent.

Question 122: What is the custom concerning the bride's gifts to her attendants?

Answer: The bride gives presents to all of her bridal attendants. Sometimes she might select a gift of a little more importance for her honor attendant than for the bridesmaids, but usually she gives them all identical presents. Any of the following is appro­priate: a pearl necklace, bracelet, pendant, brooch, clips, wrist watch, bar pin, guard ring (jeweled or plain), seed pearl jewelry, perfume bottles, perfume, engraved stationery, a scarf, or a gold heart for the charm bracelet with the names of the bride and groom and the wedding date engraved is particularly appro­priate.

Flower girls, ring bearers, train bearers and page boys are also to be remembered with gifts. Little girls love tiny lockets on a gold chain, a little gold ring, a gold bracelet, or a pocket-book. Little boys might prefer toy automobiles, games, white linen handkerchiefs, their own little monogrammed traveling case, a little boy's bow tie or monogrammed silver cuff links.

If the bride has asked a personal friend to play or sing at the wedding, it is a pleasant gesture to have a corsage sent her. She should also receive a gift. Also, if young ladies are to help serve the food at the reception (with the exception of those hired to do the job), they should have corsages and presents.

Question 123: What about the groom's gifts to his attendants?

Answer: He may properly either give them all identical gifts, or present the best man with something different. Any of the following is appropriate: cuff links, a belt buckle, cigarette case, lighter, billfold or clip, pocket knife, key chain or case, pocket pencil or pen, collar pins, tie clasp, scarf pin, cigarette holder, sport chain, ring, studs, wallet, novel gadgets. A suggestion for the best man who really has a lot to do in a wedding is a piece of luggage or a wrist watch. Some people give a case of liquor, but many feel this is not appropriate since it is not a lasting present.

Note: All presents should be beautifully gift wrapped—the bride's gifts are usually presented at the bridesmaids' luncheon; the groom's at the bachelor party. The bride's and groom's gifts to each other are exchanged whenever they feel is best.

Question 124: What do the parents of the bride and groom give them for a wedding present?

Answer: The bride's parents traditionally give the flat silver and the groom's parents the silver tea service. This custom, however, has been considerably modernized. Today, the wedding presents from their parents are more likely to be practical especially if the young couple is starting out on a slim budget. Their parents might give household furnishings, an automobile, a honeymoon cruise, or heirloom jewelry,—or any of these things in addition to silver, depending on the families' circumstances. What the present might be is usually frankly discussed with bride and groom to ascertain the gift they desire most.

The wedding gift from their parents is such a personal matter that no particular time or place has ever been established as the "usual" for presentation. Possibly an intimate family gathering according to the convenience of the individuals concerned is the most natural and convenient time.

Wedding Guest Book

Question 125: What is a "Wedding Guest Book"?

Answer: This is always a white book, usually covered in moire, with "Wedding Day" embossed in silver or gold on the outside. It may be large or small, according to the number of guests expected at the wedding. On the day of the wedding, the guests record their names in it. Unless the caterer has one for her (he seems to provide so many things!) or a friend or relative has given her one, the bride must be certain to buy one of these books.

Catering

Question 126: Is it customary to have wedding receptions catered?

Answer: It is not impossible, of course, for a family to bake a wed­ding cake, make chicken salad and a festive punch, borrow silver, china, glass, chairs, or rent what cannot be borrowed. But, unless the reception is very small—in a tiny apartment, or at home with only a few guests, most people find that the cost of food plus extra labor, plus rental of equipment, amounts to as much if not more than a professional caterer charges. The great advantage of a caterer is that he moves in and takes over all the respon­sibility. The caterer can furnish all sorts of things for the re­ception other than food and beverage. Following is what his service usually includes: he brings all equipment needed; he buys and prepares the food; he furnishes the beverage and men to ice and serve it; he supplies waiters, chefs, butlers, pantry men, a man or woman for the door; he usually can supply an an­nouncer for the receiving line; he supplies a marquee and canopy, and a floor for dancing at a garden wedding; he makes parking arrangements for the automobiles of guests; he can furnish a maid to assist with the bridal costume; he can supply favors and accessories for the wedding, such as rose petals and rice.

The caterer will be interested in talking over your plans with you and he will furnish all or any part of the services listed above. He will take care of a big wedding or a small one. And, most helpful of all, because of his experience in dealing with people's food habits, he knows exactly what to recommend for the menu, according to the type of reception decided upon. He gives the best advice on what kind and how much beverage. And he usu­ally has a knowledge of procedure which enables him to direct the receiving line, to advise on the cutting of the cake, and with the best man's toast.

The maître d'hôtel can do the same things in the hotel that a caterer does at home—he has the same services that a good caterer has. If the bride is willing to have her reception in a hotel, she couldn't be in better hands. Her family, especially her mother, will have no worries. But if she prefers the reception at home, the caterer will be her best friend.

Question 127: What are the essential points to know concerning the catering for a reception?

Answer: There must be enough waiters, butlers, kitchen help, bar tenders to insure good service. Before the caterer can help you plan the food, he will need to know the type of reception you will have.

Wedding menus are not really very different from those for usual social functions except that they usually are thought of as being lighter and daintier than the average full-course meal. But some people feel that they must offer their friends a real meal. Continental peoples, Chinese, Japanese, Jewish and Irish people are among those who are accustomed to serving a meal of sub­stantial food following a wedding service. Weddings in the coun­try, for which people have to travel a distance to attend, usually provide more substantial fare than those held in the city. At a wedding reception in a big city, between lunching and dining hours, the food is kept very light, sometimes it might actually be no more than champagne and wedding cake.

A wedding breakfast is the meal or repast served after a morn­ing wedding or a high noon ceremony. It is not literally a break­fast—it is more like a luncheon. From three to four o'clock, the reception food is more likely to resemble that of high tea than a buffet or luncheon. From five to six o'clock, the food is prac­tically always cocktail food. However, one should be cautioned against serving cocktail food in the middle of Saturday or Sunday afternoon at a reception in the suburbs or country. People get up late and eat very little breakfast on those days. They have to travel at least an hour, usually, to get to the church. They sit through the ceremony. By the time they have been through the receiving line and have had a glass or two of champagne, they are much too hungry to enjoy hot and cold hors d'oeuvres. What they need is a hot or cold buffet, complete with ice cream and petits fours. From seven o'clock on either a buffet is served or a sit-down dinner. When the wedding reception follows an eight or eight-thirty o'clock ceremony, the food might be reception food—champagne, sandwiches, ice cream, cake and coffee and tea.

After the guests have gone through the receiving line there should be space enough for them to move about and chat and for waiters to serve them glasses of champagne before food is served.

A sit-down meal is a caterer's term for a breakfast or dinner. Hot and cold hors d'oeuvres and cocktails may be served before any sit-down meal. The wedding breakfast may be a sit-down meal and has, usually, a luncheon menu, consisting usually of three courses: soup (hot in winter, cold in summer), a main dish (something glamorous, see Supplement Menus—or Foods for the Reception), hot rolls, salad, ice cream (often in fancy molds) and petits fours, followed by demitasse. Then there is champagne or white wine or both. When there isn't space for tables for the guests, the wedding breakfast may be served buffet. If this is the case, since guests will have to stand up to eat, two courses only are offered—the soup is omitted.

For a semi-buffet reception, meaning a buffet table from which guests serve themselves, but tables and chairs are provided for them to carry their food and sit down to eat, these tables are set with decorations and cigarettes and ashtrays—sometimes silver. Usually, however, guests find the silver on the buffet table with the food. If space will not permit tables and chairs for even a small number of guests, but one wants to have buffet food, he may serve food that does not require cutting. (Since guests will be standing to eat, it will be impossible for them to cut food.) When the reception food is buffet, some plan a complete meal for the bridal table even though buffet is ordered for the guests. However, it is generally accepted that it is better to have either a buffet or a dinner with the same kind of food for everyone, than two kinds of service.

A tea menu is very light and is best in large cities for fashion­able weddings where guests do not stay too long, and do not have far to go to get dinner after they leave the reception. When a tea menu is planned, a beautifully appointed long table is set up with silver services at either end for tea and coffee. Two friends of the bride's family may be asked to pour. However, at a large reception, the caterer's men do this. For a strictly recep­tion type of tea or a cocktail type of gathering it is expected that guests will stand. Even then, sofas and some chairs are available for the older guests or others who like to sit from time to time.

Whether guests are seated or not, there is often a bridal table where the bride, groom, maid-of-honor, best man, bridesmaids and ushers are seated, although at a very informal reception, this table is not needed. As discussed above, the menu for the ones seated at the bridal table may be more complete or more elab­orate than the menu served to other guests, but this is not recom­mended. However, there may be added a first course not served the others or a more festive dessert if one wants to do something special for the bride and groom and their attendants. Decorations for the bridal table are discussed under Flowers, Wedding cake, Place cards, Menus, Favors and Seating.

When there is a bridal table and small tables and chairs for the guests, there is also another table for the parents. Here sit the parents of both bride and groom, with the clergyman and his wife, and sometimes a few close relatives and friends of the families of the bride and groom. Sometimes, but not often, the parents are seated at one table with the bridal party.

If the guests are not to be seated, even though there is a bridal table, the parents of the bridal couple usually are not seated at table. They may be, of course, but seldom are if their guests are not.

The wedding cake, which is usually on a small table of its own, may be placed at the center and in front of the bridal table. Some­times the cake is on the bridal table and is used as the centerpiece.

Question 128: How does the bride's mother estimate the number of guests to expect at the reception?

Answer: It may seem difficult to the bride's mother, sometimes, to arrive at the number of guests for whom to prepare at the recep­tion. A safe estimate is to take the list of acceptances and add to it one-third or one-quarter of the number who have not re­sponded. Some who accept find that at the last minute they cannot attend. Some do not reply but come anyway. These usually balance each other.

Question 129: What are the best types of home reception?

Answer: A buffet service is by far the most popular type of home re­ception. The dining table, with all its extension leaves in to make it full length, is moved into the center of the room to make serv­ing easier (the waiters can move around it) and, of course, cov­ered with a handsome white damask cloth which falls to the floor. A second table may be required for food. If the table is large enough, the wedding cake is the centerpiece, candelabra with lighted tapers on either side (for winter afternoons or anytime during the evening—never lighted tapers in daylight), two low bowls of fresh flowers, a silver coffee service and a silver tea serv­ice at opposite ends. The food, on silver platters, should be placed with even spacing, and there should be more than one platter (two are usually sufficient) of each kind of food in order that guests may move along quickly as they serve themselves. Since the flat silver (forks, spoons, with which the guests will eat), the plates and napkins must also go on the table, it will need to be a very large one, or else there will need to be a second table for the food.

For an informal afternoon reception at home (and home may well be an apartment), the whole procedure might be simplified to punch, a few sandwiches, wedding cake and tea. The dining table might be set up as for a buffet, with a lovely white cloth to the floor, the punch bowl and glasses at one end, the tea service at the other, bowls of fresh flowers spaced between, and plates of sandwiches and tea cups and saucers arranged appropriately. The wedding cake might be placed on another table nearby, with fresh flower garlands around it to make it festive.

Question 130: If a family cannot afford to have a home reception catered, can anything be arranged as a substitute?

Answer: For the family who really hasn't the space or the expense account to permit a catering service, there is the private woman in the local area who is good at making hors d'oeuvres and little sandwiches at home, then bringing them in and undertaking the serving. She usually has a couple of helpers. And her rates are much less than professional catering. Or perhaps you can do the buying and preparation of the food with the help of friends and relatives, then get a hired maid in who is accustomed to going to people's houses to serve dinner parties. Such an experienced woman is good at helping you organize what kitchen help you will need, what equipment (china, glasses, linens, silver) you may need to rent. She would also be good at advising you how much coffee and food you would need to buy to serve fifty people, or whatever number of guests you plan to invite. She will know what to do about dirty dishes while the party is still active (some people put them out on the back porch to get them out of the way if there isn't a large kitchen).

Wedding Favors and Accessories

Question 131: What special favors and accessories are usual for a wedding?

Answer: Any kind of over-elaborate, fussy, gimmicky or "cute" favors are certainly out of place. A wedding reception is festive, but it is also part of one of the most solemn, dignified and formal occasions in life—it is not the time to go in for novelties.

At the bride's and parents' tables there will be place cards. There will not be cards at the places of the host and hostess (in this case the father and mother of the bride). At the parents' table, names will be written on the cards thus: "Mrs. Jones"— "Mr. Smith" except in the event that Great Aunt Sophie happens to be included at the parents' table: her card would read "Aunt Sophie." First names, or possibly nicknames, will be used on the cards at the bride's table. The place cards are usually plain white, with a silver or gold border (silver or gold or pastel color, depending upon the monograms selected for the individual wed­ding cake boxes). They may be monogrammed or embossed with a device. Sometimes an artificial lily of the valley is attached with white satin ribbon, or better still one fresh blossom of stephanotis fastened on the upper right hand corner of each card with Scotch tape—if you have a willing friend who has offered to help on the wedding day since a fresh blossom could not, of course, be attached in advance. Or, fairly large single cards are appropriate and are placed on the napkin which is on the service plate when guests are seated, or they may be the stand-up, fold-over type, with the fold standing upright, the two edges acting as base. These are stood on the table above the plate. Some of the decorated cards which are on the market for weddings are in extremely poor taste and should certainly be avoided.

Place cards are not put at the small tables for the guests, gen­erally speaking. But there are some families having a sit-down dinner or breakfast for as many as one hundred twenty-five to two hundred or more guests who want the guests seated at tables according to advance arrangements. When such a request is made to a banquet manager, he must supply a huge seating chart of the room for the bride and her mother to fill in, with the assis­tance of the groom's mother. Then everyone may have a place card. In such an arrangement, duplicate cards or escort cards have to be made for everyone (except that in the case of married couples the two names may be placed on the one duplicate card) and the table number indicated. These duplicates are placed on a small table at the entrance to the reception room. Guests are directed from the receiving line into a cocktail lounge for cock­tails and hors d'oeuvres, and from there into the dining room to the table where they are given their table numbers. With their table numbers they are able to identify their individual tables, then to find their place cards.

The bride, her mother or a friend may make out the place cards as the acceptances come in.

Menu cards have been used for formal dining since formal dining was a part of living. Today, however, they are more fre­quently than not omitted from weddings. But they are elegant and many people still like to use them. If used, they should be small white cards printed in silver or gold or pastel colors (again to match the monograms on the wedding cake boxes and the bor­ders on the place cards). The initials of the bride and groom may be done in silver or gold at the top, or the bride's family crest if there is one. If used, they are placed on all the tables.

Cellophane bags, decorated in silver or gold, filled with white confetti and tied with white satin ribbons, are sometimes placed at the plates of each member of the bridal party. Rose petals (more often than confetti or rice) are passed out at the end of the reception to throw after the departing bride and groom. The rose petals are made of paper, purchased commercially, and look soft and pretty. These are usually handed to people from a big bag by waiters, ushers or bridesmaids when the time comes. If not passed out this way, they are done up in cellophane bags and passed out. Rose petals of soft paper seem easier to clean up after­wards than confetti or rice which gets into clothing and carpets hopelessly.

When the wedding ceremony is the kind where guests go out of church first and wait around on the steps or the grounds for the bride and groom, the ushers and bridesmaids give them rice or confetti which is thrown upon the couple at that time. This is usually the case when a great many friends have been invited to the ceremony who will not go on to the reception—there is a receiving line in the rear of the church, and the good luck tokens are thrown after the bride and groom as they leave.

Some people follow the custom of having "favors" given to the wedding guests near the end of the reception. These may be a plastic white hat-box, a swan, a bridal couple, a bell, a slipper, a shell, or simply a basket but, no matter what shape, always filled with Jordan almonds, and trimmed with white net or tulle and white satin ribbons in which a golden (imitation) wedding ring is entwined.

Since people have been addicted to smoking, it has been the custom to have cigarettes available on each table. Now the bride's family has adopted the custom of placing white covered book matches also at each place. The white covers are monogrammed with the bride's maiden initial and the groom's initial in silver or gold or pastel shades. For informal receptions sometimes these matches will have the bride's first name and the groom's first name printed in silver or gold and the wedding date.

For a cocktail reception, paper napkins in white or a soft pastel shade to match the decor, are provided. The napkins are usually printed in silver or gold with the bride's and groom's initials or with their first names only and the wedding date.

The special knife with which the bride and groom cut the cake must be remembered. It is usually a sterling silver knife from the bride's mother's silver chest. It is decorated with a cluster of white flowers and white satin ribbon. It is possible to buy a knife especially for this purpose, and to have it engraved with the bride's and groom's initials and the wedding date. If this is done, the knife becomes an heirloom in the family.

Seating—Ceremony and Reception

Question 132: What are the seating arrangements in church?

Answer: The bride's mother and father, alone, usually occupy the first or second pew on the left. If the second pew is to be occupied by them, no one is seated in the first pew, except for a Roman Catholic Nuptial Mass when the attendants who are not to par­ticipate in the Mass are sometimes seated in the front pews dur­ing the service.

Whatever arrangement is made for the bride's parents on the left, is duplicated for the groom's parents on the right (this is reversed for an Orthodox Jewish ceremony).

Note: For seating of divorced parents, for parents in double wed­ding, and in case the church has two main aisles and no center aisle, see further details in this chapter.

Occasionally grandparents will be seated with parents. Broth­ers, sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins of each family and their hus­bands, wives and children, are seated in the pews immediately behind the parents. Intimate friends are seated in the pews im­mediately behind the relatives.

If there is special preference desired in the seating, then those guests must be given pew numbers. You should telephone the sexton for an appointment, go to the church and discover how many people can be seated comfortably in each pew. Ask the groom's mother for a list of the people, in the order of preference, for whom she would like to have reserved seats in church. Note that pew numbers are even on one side and uneven on the other. You may attach numbers marked on square pieces of white paper to pew tops with Scotch tape if you feel this will make seat­ing easier. If it matters to either family that one person sit in front of another—for instance, an elder sister of the bride and her husband must be seated in front of a younger, unmarried sister, or the groom's father's boss must be ushered to a pew just behind the immediate family—by all means enclose a pew card with their invitation, then give the ushers a notation of this.

If either family has more members or more friends than the other, and reserved seating arrangements are being made, some are seated on the opposite side so that the number of pews on each side of the reserved section are balanced. (For marking the reserved sections, see "Flowers and Decorations" in this chapter). The term "Within the Ribbons" means the reserved section. You may enclose a card with the wedding invitation on which you have written only "Within the Ribbons" or you may say "Within the Ribbons, Pew Number Five" (or whatever the number is in which the guest is to be seated). It is really best to take the time to figure out the seating, notify the guests, and make out 3x5 index cards for each usher to slip in his pocket. If you wait until the day of the wedding, then suddenly remember that Aunt Nellie must be given a seat in front of Uncle Alfred, and ask someone to be sure to tell the ushers to look out for her, it is a fine way to have her overlooked and hurt for the rest of her life. Except for the reserved section, guests are otherwise always seated as they arrive. There are no reserved sections in a home wedding ceremony or a garden ceremony and all guests are to stand. But the bride's and groom's parents will have a space at the front on each side, as usual.

Question 133: What are the arrangements when a church has two main aisles and no center aisle?

Answer: One alternative is to use the left for the processional and the right for the recessional because the left side of the church is thought of as the bride's and the right as the groom's. Before her marriage, she walks on her side, after, on his side. If the pro­cessional is down the left aisle and the recessional up the right aisle, attendants will be centered at the altar as they are when there is a center aisle in church. There are two suggestions for seating when this is the way the aisles are used:

Another alternative is: when there are two main aisles in church and no center aisle, the processional should go on the right aisle because it is more natural to turn to the right than to the left.

The ceremony is performed in the center front of the chancel. And then, the recessional takes place on the left aisle. Seating of guests is regulated by the aisle, not the church as a whole. In this instance, since the right aisle is used for the processional, the entire right side of the church becomes the bride's side and since the left aisle is used for the recessional, the entire left side be­comes the groom's.

Note: It may be that there are enough seats in the center section for all guests, then the pews to the extreme right and left will not be used for seating.

It is important to know that the same thing may be correctly done two entirely different ways. The clergyman in your church may tell you how he prefers to have it done, in which case there will be no decision for you to make because his suggestions are always followed in his church. If this detail does not matter to him, then you may choose either procedure that you prefer. When the two aisles are being used, each must be decorated exactly like the other. This includes pew markers, only one white aisle canvas, for the aisle down which the processional will go, and two sets of white satin ribbons (if they are being used).

Or, still another possibility: only one aisle may be used for both processional and recessional. Then, only this one is deco­rated. The other aisles may be used only for seating guests, or, for a small wedding, the other side of the church may not be needed. If only one side is used, arrangement of attendants at the altar rail is in front of the side used:

Note: When there is no center aisle in church, you might have the ushers walk down the right and bridesmaids down the left. The maid of honor, the bride and her father would have to walk down the left following the bridesmaids. Then they would all return up the right aisle.

Question 134: What seating arrangements are made for receptions?

Answer: Unless there are small tables for all the guests, there should not be a seated arrangement for the bride and groom and the parents. When the parents of the bridal pair and guests are stand­ing, there may still be a seated bridal table for the bride and groom and members of the wedding party.

For a formal dinner or wedding breakfast, when the bride's family wants a special seating arrangement for everyone (see Wedding Favors in this chapter), the bride's and parents' tables may be arranged as suggested in the charts here. Guests' tables are arranged according to the preferences o£ the individuals— relatives together, and those who are specially friendly with each other together—or not—probably the bride's friends and rela­tives together, and the groom's together. The individual guest tables may be ordered for four, six, eight or ten persons—those for twelve or fourteen are not usual. The tables are usually round. The principal thing to remember in seating guests at individual tables (when there are to be place cards at these tables) is that the honored position is at the right of the host and that ladies are seated at the right of gentlemen. Therefore, the one you consider the host at each table will have the most important (or the eldest) lady guest of that table at his right, and the next most important at his left. If most o£ the guests at a table know each other, husbands and wives are not seated together. Follow the standard principles of seating at a formal dinner. One table is usually designated for the photographer, the bridal consultant or fitter, the hair-dresser, and, unless there are so many of them that they have a separate table, the musicians. Charts have been set up on the basis of an even num­ber of bridesmaids and ushers. There will be a problem if that number is uneven (which happens frequently). It has to be worked out finally according to personal judgment—two ushers together or two bridesmaids together—or other guests at the bridal table to balance men and women.

At the bride's table, the bride and groom are always seated to­gether with the bride on the groom's right—whether they are at one end of a rectangular table or in the center of an oblong or "U" shaped table, or on one side of a round table. The maid of honor is on the groom's left and the best man on the bride's right. The bridesmaids and ushers alternate around the rest of the table:

Children (flower girls, ring bearers, page boys, train bearers) may or may not be seated at this table. Junior bridesmaids and maiden of honor, and junior ushers are seated here.

When the bridegroom's father has acted as best man, he may or may not be seated at the bridal table. The head usher could take his place next to the bride to permit him to be seated with the groom's mother at the parents' table. He can easily advance to the bridal table at the customary time for the best man's toast. (On the rare occasion when the bride's mother acts as matron-of-honor she would very likely prefer to be seated at the table with the groom's parents and other relatives afterwards, to act as their hostess. One of the bridesmaids might take her place at the bridal table.)

There seems to be a great deal of controversy about whether wives and husbands of best man and ushers and bridesmaids should or should not be seated at the bridal table. They are not part of the bridal party—not dressed as the others—and really do not belong there for a formal wedding. However, if the bride's mother is faced with the problem that they are from out of town and do not know anyone and there is nowhere to seat them that they will be happy and comfortable, she may feel that she should place them at the same table with their spouses. Also some people get their feelings hurt if they think they should be seated at a certain place and are not—therefore if any of the men feel their wives should be placed at their table for the reception, possibly the bride's mother will have to do this.

Where there is no bride's table, there is no parents' table or tables for guests. However, in this case, sometimes a small table is set up for the bride and groom to sit at alone long enough for a glass of champagne and something to eat.

Both sets of parents are seated at a table only if there is also a seated bridal table. Their table is larger than the guests' tables. With the exception of the wedding cake, it is decorated very much the same as the bridal table. Parents of the bride face each other, across the table if it is round, otherwise they sit at opposite ends of it:

If the table is inadequate for all the relatives and close friends that the bride's and groom's mothers feel they must include, two tables are set up, with the bride's mother as hostess at one, and the bride's father as host at the other. The groom's mother is al­ways at the right of the bride's father, and the groom's father is at the right of the bride's mother. Lady and gentlemen guests are seated alternately, otherwise.

The clergyman and his wife do not have to be seated at the parents' table but, because that is an honored position, they usually are. However, if they happen to be particular friends of other guests, they may be seated with them. A cardinal, bishop, monsignor, or dean, judge or mayor (or any other person of high, ecclesiastical or civil rank) who performed the ceremony is always seated at the parents' table with his wife (if he has one), their position being the same as that specified for clergyman and wife on the chart. Any other very distinguished guests are seated at this table. At one Catholic Nuptial Mass at which several of the clergy of various degrees of rank officiated, a special table was reserved for them at the reception and they all sat together.

Question: 135: What are the seating arrangements in church for a double wedding?

Answer: When the brides are not sisters, the parents either share the first pew, or decide which will have the first and which the second. The same decision must be made for the parents of the two grooms. Usually the older woman is seated nearer the aisle. Or it may be decided that the parents of the first couple to be married will have the first pew, or if all in one pew, will sit nearer the aisle. It does not really make much difference pro­vided the decision is made in advance and everyone agrees to it. When the brides are not sisters, if the church has two main aisles, the parents of one bride may have the first pew on the left of the left aisle, and the other parents the first pew on the right of the left aisle. In this arrangement, the parents of the two grooms would have similar positions on the left and right of the right aisle.

Question 136: In a double wedding, what is the table seating ar­rangement at the reception?

Answer: If each bride has her own attendants, usually there are two separate bridal tables. If there has been only one maid of honor and one best man to serve both, or if the brides and grooms acted as honor attendants for each other, and had only one set of bridesmaids and ushers, they probably will have one bridal table. When brides are sisters, there will be one mother and father on the bride's side, and two mothers and two fathers on the groom's side; therefore, one parents' table conceivably might be set up. But if the brides are not sisters and there are four mothers and four fathers plus a clergyman and wife, plus a few relatives and friends on each side to sit at the parents' table, it would seem a better arrangement to have two parents' tables. In placing the parents at the tables, use the charts for seating given in this section, giving preference to the older woman in each case, or to the parents of the older bride. At the present time, people are not very fond of being considered older than others near their own age—be careful about discussing with them why they are being given preference!

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