7. Rehearsal, Ceremony, Reception

Jane and Henry have had ample occupation in planning and pre­paring for the wedding. During the planning stages all major deci­sions are reached, all arrangements completed. Then the rehearsal follows, and finally—the wedding!

When the time for the rehearsal comes, don't be alarmed if people are late and if, when they do arrive, they are out of humor! Don't be astonished if something has gone wrong about the delivery of clothes. Never be surprised at the weather—if it is raining, or snow­ing, or the heat wave of the year has reached its peak! Above all have no qualms if everyone in the wedding party is awkward, can't tell his left from his right, and forgets every direction within the next five minutes. All this is typical of rehearsals. Console yourself with the old saying, "bad rehearsal, good performance."

The Rehearsal

Question i: Who attends the rehearsal?

Answer: Everyone who will participate in the wedding is supposed to attend the rehearsal—the bride, the groom, honor attendants, best man, bridesmaids, ushers, children who will have any part, the bride's parents, the groom's parents, the clergyman (or clergymen, if more than one), the sexton, the organist, soloists or choir.

Question 2: Is the bride supposed to participate in the wedding rehearsal?

Answer: There is great difference of opinion on this question. Some believe it brings bad luck for a bride to take part in the re­hearsal. Others say that of course she should walk through her own rehearsal, if she has a "stand in" how will she herself know what to do on her wedding day?

Question 3: Is it really essential to have a rehearsal?

Answer: Yes! We know of a case where the wedding was to be in the home, that the clergyman did not think a rehearsal necessary, and the family did not know what to do without him. On the day of the wedding, ten minutes before the ceremony, the clergyman was telling everyone what to do and no one knew anything for certain. Everyone was nervous. The final result? Bedlam! This need never be. If the clergyman thinks a rehearsal unnecessary, ask him for any instructions that he has to give concerning the processional and recessional, make notes, then armed with this book of instructions and directions, plus your notes, call the rehearsal in your own home (naturally not in church if the clergyman does not want a rehearsal) and tell each one what is expected of him. I£ you are at home for the rehearsal but the wedding will be in church, make up a chart of the lay­out of the church to show the different ones where they are to be.

Question 4: Who should be considered the final authority in mak­ing decisions concerning the wedding ceremony?

Answer: We make a most important qualification before giving the instructions that follow (and as we have said elsewhere); what­ever we suggest is subject to the wishes of the clergyman of the church in which the ceremony is to take place. Without ques­tion or qualification, his is the final word. (This is a courtesy customarily offered the clergy.) If you are wise, you will have discussed carefully with him in advance all procedure. I£ he believes in or desires a way of doing things that you do not want or that your Aunt Susie (who should know) says is absolutely wrong, and he sees in advance that you will be upset, he may lay that his preference does not matter that much to him, and you may do it your way. But if it does matter to him, there is nothing you can do except to defer to his wishes gracefully. (And if you have a wedding counselor or bridal consultant assisting you with your wedding, be sure to have her understand in ad­vance that the wishes of your clergyman come first.) Most profes­sionals will expect you to take this stand, but unfortunately there are some few people who are so certain of their own opinions that they forget their manners. You may not have any way of knowing in advance how such a person may behave, so our ad­vice is that you make your attitude clear before it is too late.

Question 5: What is the procedure for the rehearsal?

Answer: Usually the rehearsal is held in church the night before the wedding, but it may be a day or so before. In the case of a Protestant ceremony, with no unusual procedures, the rehearsal will probably last no longer than an hour. For longer services, or in cases where some of the members of the wedding party will need instructions about procedures in a faith that is not their own, the rehearsal may last longer.

What arrangements need be made for seating guests in church have been discussed in Chapter VI. If it has been decided to have pew numbers, they will have been allotted. Even for very formal weddings, seating in church is now much more informal than it was some years ago. Usually pew numbers are now used only when the family (either the bride's or the groom's) has some delicate situation which make them necessary. Usually the number of pews in front required for immediate families are pointed out to the ushers, and other relatives are then seated as close as possible to the front in the order of their arrival. Ushers usually leave a leeway of a pew or two right behind the families' pews as they seat very early arrivals, then, if an older member of one family or the other comes in late, no one in the forward pews will have to be asked to move back. Any changing or shifting around should be avoided. Instead of saying, "Are you a friend of the bride or the groom?" ushers now sometimes simply ask,

"Where would you like to sit?" Or, they do not say anything because the guest speaks up and says, "Bride's side, please."

In charting the procedure of the processional for you, we will use an average number o£ attendants. If you have more or less, you may scale your plans accordingly.

If a church does not have a center aisle, different arrangements may be made for the processional, altar positions, and recessional (see "Wedding Plans").

If there is to be a special candle lighting service, this should be rehearsed first. Ordinarily the tapers are lighted by a staff mem­ber of the church approximately a half-hour before the cere­mony. Otherwise there are times when two young girls, or young men, friends or relatives of the bride and groom, make a special ceremonial march up the aisle and light the candles shortly be­fore the two mothers are seated.

The bride should arrive at church five to ten minutes before the time set for the ceremony. (Some believe that the bride should reach the church one minute after the hour.) Someone should be in the back of the church, prepared to meet the bride and brides­maids, remove their wraps, take charge of them and their eve­ning bags until the ceremony is over. The groom's mother and father should be waiting when the bride arrives. Just ahead of the bridesmaids' car and that of the bride and her father, the bride's mother should be driven up. She may bring with her in her own car the bride's brother or sister, or some other close rela­tive, who in that case should be ushered in and seated immedi­ately. About five minutes before the ceremony, last minute guests are asked by the ushers to wait in the back of the church (the bridal party has arrived, of course, before this). The usher who has been appointed notifies the groom of the bride's arrival, closes the church doors, and signals the organist—unless this is taken care of by the church sexton. The organist, who has been playing selections (see Chapter VI), stops playing entirely or lowers the tone considerably.

The appointed ushers escort first the groom's mother with his father following a few steps behind and then the bride's mother to their respective pews. (Chapter VI.) If pew ribbons are be­ing used (Chapter VI), two previously appointed ushers march forward, left foot first, elbows nearly touching, to the place where the ribbons are fanned over the pew tops on right and left. They each take into their hands the folds of ribbon on their own side and move toward the back of the church simultaneously, laying the ribbons over the pews as they go. Then two previously ap­pointed ushers (Chapter VI) march forward, left foot first, elbows nearly touching, to the place where the aisle canvas is placed at the chancel steps. They pull or roll it back, one on each side, with their faces to the back of the church (not facing the altar and backing away from it). They should take another minute at the back of the church to pull the canvas gently in order to remove all the wrinkles possible.

Now it is time for everyone to form into the processional. It should be remembered that in the processional the ushers al­ways precede the bridesmaids—men and women are never paired off at this time. The ushers, beginning with those who are short­est, are arranged in pairs. If there is an uneven number, the very shortest one walks alone first, or an extremely tall one may walk alone as last of the group of ushers. Next the bridesmaids, usually two by two, the shortest first, graduating to the tallest. If there is an uneven number, the shortest usually leads off alone. If there is a junior bridesmaid, she walks alone first (this is also true in case of a junior usher who walks alone first in front of all the ushers). Following the bridesmaids is the honor attendant alone. If there are two, one may walk ahead of the other, the latter being the one selected by the bride to assist at the altar. If there is a ring-bearer, he comes next, and a flower girl, if any, follows him—or the two may walk together. Last comes the bride on her father's right arm. There are variations to this forma­tion, which will be explained later. After the formation, some­one again signals the organist (this time to begin the wedding march). Usually the sexton does this by means of an electric but­ton on the wall near the door which flashes a light overhead to the organist, or buzzes a little noise. If the church does not have such a device, arrangements must be made for some other form of signal, such as an usher's hand raised to the organist, or some­one ready to run around the church and signal from the other side. The clergyman, groom and best man, meanwhile, are ready in the vestry. The first chords of the wedding march are played, and then when the march begins, the clergyman comes out fol­lowed by the groom and the best man. The clergyman goes up the chancel steps, usually the groom waits at the foot of the steps at the end of the aisle down which the bride will come, the best man to the right of the groom. They wait for the bride, with their faces toward the wedding procession.

If guests are supposed to stand as the processional begins, par­ents of the bride will act as leaders by getting to their feet at this time.

In the meantime, after the first chords of the march, ushers will have started toward the altar, left feet first, with elbows almost touching. They walk slowly to the beat of the march but they do not use the hesitation step. Three to four pews are al­lowed as spacing between pairs of ushers. Allowing a space of four to five pews behind the last of the ushers, the bridesmaids move forward in pairs, left feet first, elbows almost touching. They maintain a space of three to four pews between pairs. The honor attendant starts with a space of four to five pews between herself and the bridesmaids, the ring bearer and flower girl being spaced the same. Before they start, the bride and her father al­low a space of five to six pews from the attendant immediately preceding them. No one uses the hesitation step. The bride's father should try to walk close to the left pews and allow the center of the aisle for the bride so that there will be as much room as possible for her skirts and veil. (At one wedding with a wide church aisle, ushers and bridesmaids walked on the left and right of the aisle runner in the center, they were in pairs, but separated by the runner. The maid of honor walked on the runner and, of course, the bride and her father. It was effec­tive.) Sometimes the groom designates which ushers should walk on the right side and which on the left, but more often does not.

When the ushers and bridesmaids reach the chancel steps, there are several different arrangements for their positions dur­ing the ceremony—any one of which is considered correct—all are accepted. (The decision of which to use depends on personal taste or the clergyman's suggestion.) First: the ushers may sepa­rate, half going to the left and half to the right, and the brides­maids may do the same, taking positions immediately in front of the ushers, a little to the right or left of each usher, in con­verging lines to the altar or straight lines to the pews, or in a semiarch. Or, the ushers may stand at an angle with more of their backs to the first row of pews than their faces, but with their positions close to being parallel to the pews. The same number of bridesmaids stand in front of them toward the altar, but a little to the right and left on each side. Another plan would be to have the ushers lined up in a line parallel to the first pew on the right and the bridesmaids parallel to the first pew on the left, all facing the guests. Still another variation is to have the attendants move right on up into the chancel, the ushers lined up on the right and the bridesmaids on the left. Or the brides­maids may form lines on each side, parallel to the choir stalls and the ushers stand behind them on each side.

The maid of honor stands at the left, leaving room for the bride. If there are two honor attendants, they are both on the left, the one to assist the bride standing next to the spot where the bride will arrive. One of the bridesmaids (as previously ar­ranged) takes the flower girl by the hand. The ring bearer takes a position to the right of the best man. As the attendants take their places, they turn to face the bride as she moves down the aisle. When the bride reaches the chancel steps, she removes her left arm from her father's arm (sometimes she kisses her father at this time), and moves into position next to the groom.

All the attendants turn to face the altar, the bride's father wait­ing behind her, slightly to the left. The wedding march ceases, and the ceremony is ready to begin.

There are many variations to the preceding description of positions at the altar, according to the space, number of attend­ants, church regulations, and local customs. There is no right or wrong way so long as the bride and groom are at the altar center with the maid of honor on the bride's side and the best man on the groom's side, and the clergyman in the center to perform the ceremony. The most outstanding variation is for the Orthodox Jewish ceremony (see Wedding Customs—this Chapter). Another is that sometimes the clergyman asks the bride's father to come down the aisle with the bride on his left arm instead of his right. There is one interesting variation for the groom's procedure: if there is a door opening into the chancel, the groom might follow the clergyman out and wait at the top of the chancel steps at the right hand side with his best man beside him, instead of at the foot of the steps. When the bride approaches, he can then walk down the steps to meet her, rather than simply stand in place and wait for her to join him.

It is suggested that the spots decided upon for everyone be marked with chalk in advance of the ceremony so that each will know where to stand when the time comes.

Bride's Father = F
Bride = O
Groom = X
Best Man = B
Maid of H = M
Ushers = U Bridesmaids = BM
Clergyman = C Ring Bearer = RB Flower Girl = FG

There will be slight differences in services from any patterns we can give here. Some services require kneeling for the bless­ing. In others it is optional. The betrothal part of the ceremony may take place at the foot of the chancel steps and the vows and blessing at the altar, or may not. Forms differ in different churches.

The bride usually does not take the groom's arm when they meet at the altar because she may need her hands free to give her bouquet to the maid of honor or because her right hand may be needed in the betrothal part of the service. Some feel that the bride should never take the arm of the groom until the ceremony is over, while others say definitely that the bride should remove her left hand from her father's arm, shift her bouquet from her right hand to her left, and give her right hand to the groom. If they are to stand in that same place, he holds her hand. If they are to walk up the steps, he draws her hand over his left arm, her finger tips resting at about the inside of his elbow, which is bent. In making a decision on this it is suggested that the bride and groom find out from the clergyman his opinion of the best way to proceed according to the ritual involved in their particular ceremony. If her hand is not in his or her arm over his, certainly he will place his hand under her elbow to assist her in ascending or descending steps and in kneeling and rising. The bride changes her bouquet from her right to her left hand in order to pass it on to her maid of honor. The maid of honor has handed her bouquet to the bridesmaid next to her. If the arrangement is such that a bridesmaid is not next to her, the maid of honor may hold both bouquets. Note: there are times the clergyman will suggest that the bride hold her bouquet until time for the ring ceremony—usually, however, it is dis­posed of at this time and in this manner. If the bride wishes to carry her own prayer book for the service (undecorated) rather than a bouquet, she may, and she will hand it to the clergyman rather than to the maid of honor.

The clergyman opens the service with the betrothal part of the ceremony. In services where the bride's father participates in giving her away, this is the time that this ceremony is per­formed. In some faiths, her father, in response to the clergyman's request, takes her right hand and places it in the hand of the clergy,—without verbal response. In other services, he does not move from his position nor touch his daughter's hand, but merely nods his head or responds verbally. After this, her father takes his place in the front pew, left, next to his wife.

Then, as the soloist or choir are singing, (or guests singing a hymn), the bride and groom follow the rector to the altar. The maid of honor and best man follow them, she to the bride's left and he to the groom's right. If there is a second (inactive) honor attendant, she moves up to the altar at this time and takes a position to the left of the active honor attendant. If there is a ring bearer, he moves up to the right of the best man. Some clergymen advise against the best man and the maid-of-honor moving up shoulder to shoulder. Others suggest that they do join each other and walk behind bride and groom in a pair, separating to take their positions at the left and right. The above described procedure does not take place, of course, in cases where the entire ceremony is performed at the foot of the chancel steps.

When the musical selection is concluded, the actual marriage ceremony takes place. During the rehearsal, the clergyman usually does not read the marriage service. He does explain to participants what will happen, and when, and gives them cues for their participation. Also, during the ceremony on the wed­ding day, the clergyman is wonderfully helpful about whisper­ing and indicating what to do, in case anyone forgets. The bride and groom should try to speak clearly and audibly in re­peating their vows and look directly at each other. The best man will produce the bride's ring at the appointed time (or take it from the ring bearer's pillow). If it is a double ring ceremony, the maid-of-honor will produce the groom's ring. Since this cere­mony is different with each faith, it will not be discussed here but in the section in this chapter, "Ceremony."

After the ceremony is over, the clergyman congratulates the couple; the bride and groom often kiss. (This should be discussed with the clergyman in advance.) Then, they turn to face the guests. If the bride has worn a face veil, it is sometimes turned back by the clergyman and the maid of honor (the groom, too, assisting) after the first part of the ceremony, the betrothal. Some­times it is not turned back until after the ceremony is com­pletely over. Either way, the bride never wears it over her face as she goes back up the aisle. Some authorities say that if it is left down until the end, the bride should turn first to the maid of honor for assistance in getting it back, before turning toward the groom to receive his kiss. Whichever way, she should wait to receive her bouquet from the maid of honor, and also for the maid of honor to lift the train of her gown around before she starts up the aisle with the groom as they lead the recessional. They should not run up the aisle, but they may certainly walk more quickly than in the processional.

Meanwhile the maid of honor retrieves her own bouquet from the bridesmaid holding it, and joins the best man, walking up the aisle with him on his right arm. Or, if he has been asked to exit through the vestry (see "Best Man's Duties"), she will walk up the aisle alone. Whether alone or with the best man, she is preceded by the flower girl and ring bearer in the recessional (sometimes the flower girl follows immediately after the bride and groom, and in turn is followed by the ring bearer. However, if they are very young, they may have been taken into a front pew by someone and not participate in the recessional), if either or both of these are included in the bridal party; if not, the honor attendant (and best man) follows the bride and groom. If the maid of honor walks alone, the bridesmaids usually follow her in pairs, shortest pair first, (as for the processional), with the ushers following in pairs, shortest first. If the maid of honor comes up the aisle in the recessional with the best man, the bridesmaids may either come up in pairs, and the ushers in pairs, or the bridesmaids and ushers may be paired off together to come up the aisle, the shortest pair first, etc.

As in practically every stage of the wedding, there is a differ­ence of opinion concerning bridesmaids and ushers going up the aisle together in the recessional. Some say that the only union is supposed to be that of the bridal pair, and that others should not pair off (men and women in the recessional): others feel that the bridesmaids' dresses and flowers show off to better advantage if they are massed together on the way out. Then there are those who think it gay and sweet to send the men and women paired off together as they go up the aisle. If, during the cere­mony, half the ushers have been standing on one side, and half on the other, and are to join the bridesmaids in the recessional, they will have to watch how they meet in the center in order to avoid awkwardness. Those on the right side will have no difficulty because they will simply walk to the center and offer their right arms to the bridesmaids meeting them. But those on the left must cross over behind the bridesmaids meeting them in order to offer their right arms. In the recessional, the spacing be­tween the pairs is usually three to four pews apart, as for the processional. And when people want the bridesmaids and ushers paired off even though there is an uneven number, the brides­maid or usher left over walks out alone at the end.

Note: One authority advises that the best man should never be in­cluded in the recessional—he should go immediately into the vestry to pick up the groom's hat, coat and walking stick (if any) in order to take them to the front of the church to meet the groom. If it is arranged for the sexton to do this, the best man then should meet the bride and groom at the waiting automobile and assist them into it. He should then return to the vestry to give the clergyman the groom's envelope with the fee, and to collect his own hat and coat and leave for the reception.

It is much more logical, however, to have the best man give the clergyman his fee in advance of the ceremony, so that he may be conveyed to the reception with the maid of honor and the rest of the bridal party.

As soon as the bridal party is nearly to the end of the church aisle in the recessional, the parents of the bride should sit down. The guests naturally follow their example. Thus the appointed usher is given time to proceed down the aisle to the pew where the bride's parents are seated. The bride's father should step out and stand to one side while the bride's mother takes the usher's right arm and starts up the aisle with him then the father follows a few steps behind them. When they are half-way back, the other appointed usher goes down the aisle to the pew where the groom's parents are seated. He escorts the groom's mother back, with the groom's father following them a few steps behind. When they are half-way back, two appointed ushers move for­ward together to the first pews to signify to the guests that they are to leave. They move up a pew as guests empty them, until they reach the first pews where the ribbons are attached. They detach and pull these back, and all the guests come out after them. Before this is done, any very distinguished persons should have been escorted out by ushers right after the parents. The less of this that is done, the better because guests seem most impatient these days to leave the church the minute the wedding is over. In fact, clergymen now often tell parents to follow the bridal party right out in the recessional, and this last ushering is sometimes omitted. It seems as though the end of a wedding should be as dignified as the beginning, but it is difficult to keep it that way. If the groom's parents have not attended the re­hearsal to hear these instructions, they have been known to walk right out before the usher could get down the aisle for the bride's parents who are sitting waiting for him. If they knew how dis­courteous this is, they would never do it.

Unless there is to be a receiving line in the back o£ the church, the members o£ the wedding party should take their places in the waiting limousines immediately so that they will arrive at the place o£ reception ahead o£ the guests. The procedure for leaving the church for the reception has been described in Chapter VI.

Reminders

1. It is important to remember that when you are instructed to turn, always turn so that you face the altar as you do so.
2. It is very helpful to have the formation of the receiving line clearly understood before the reception. (The rehearsal might be a good time to discuss this.)
3. The bride never wears her engagement ring on her third finger, left hand for the marriage ceremony as the wedding ring must not be put on top of the engagement ring. Usually she wears it on her right hand under her glove. The ring finger on the left hand is customarily split to leave that finger exposed for the ring ceremony (see Chapter VI). The bride­ groom usually slips the engagement ring back on the bride's third finger left hand, over her wedding ring, in the car on the way to the reception.
4. Traditionally, the groom does not see the bride on her wedding day before the ceremony. 

Kissing the Bride at the Altar

Question 6: What is the customary procedure for kissing the bride at the altar?

Answer: It is optional—it is not a part of the ceremony. If bride and groom decide they would like to do this, they should discuss it in advance with the clergyman because some churches are not in favor of this gesture. Indeed it is not usual at a formal church wedding, although we have observed that it is being done more than formerly. If the couple is going to kiss, they should do so before the clergyman offers his congratulations. When the groom knows that the clergyman is a relative or close friend who will want to kiss the bride, then he should do so to make it per­missible since it is against all tradition for anyone to kiss the bride before the groom does. When there is to be a receiving line in the back of church following a formal ceremony, the groom often does kiss the bride at the altar for the same reason mentioned above.

At a home wedding when there is to be no recessional, the groom always kisses the bride before they turn to receive guests —in case some guest wants to kiss her.

When Someone Other than Her Father Gives the Bride Away

Question 7: If it is not possible for the bride's father to give her away, what procedure is followed?

Answer: If the bride's father is not living or cannot attend the wed­ding, or is not to give her way, some other male relative usually acts in his place. The person who performs this honor should not be younger than twenty-one. In some cases, when the bride's father has been dead for many years and her mother has been remarried, the bride may be given away by her stepfather.

Although it is not usual for the mother to give her daughter away, there are many instances when the mother of the bride per­forms this service. This is the procedure in such a case:

Her mother may walk down the aisle with the bride to give her away. In this case, the bride does not place her hand over her mother's arm as she does on her father's, of course.

The bride may walk down the aisle alone (not recommended), behind her attendants, her mother meeting her at her pew, in front.

Still another way: a male relative or friend of the bride's family may walk down the aisle with the bride and retire to a pew on the left. When the time comes for the bride to be given away, the best man steps down from his position and escorts the bride's mother from her pew to the position necessary for this part of the ceremony. This would be done only in a ceremony where the one who gives the bride away customarily does so by taking the bride's right hand and placing it in the clergyman's. Otherwise, the bride's mother might nod her assent from her position in the first pew left at the appointed time.

Question 8: What are the customs in the Lutheran wedding cere­mony?

Answer: Following are the points of procedure:

The arrival of the wedding party is announced by the ringing of the church bells.

The ceremony, as Martin Luther planned it approximately five hundred years ago, began with the giving in marriage "before the church"—at the church doors. Then the clergyman^ bride and groom and witnesses moved into the church proper for the ring ceremony. This ceremony has now been condensed into one service performed before the chancel steps.

The Lutheran Church discourages the use of secular music, preferring the great religious music for what it considers primarily a religious service.

The groom and best man enter the chancel as the processional begins at the back of the church. The groom and best man are met by the wedding party at the entrance to the chancel. After the reading of scripture and the exchange of promises between bride and groom, the bride is given in marriage by her father (or guardian or friend). Then the wedding party, led by the bride and groom, goes to the entrance of the sanctuary, the minister preceding them. At the communion rail, the bride and groom exchange vows, the ring is given and then they are de­clared husband and wife. Kneeling, they receive a blessing.

The bride and groom are not encouraged to kiss at the altar.

Sometimes a personal message is given the bride and groom by the pastor, in the form of an address, before the ceremony. When this is to be part of the procedure, chairs are provided for the wedding party. This address is seldom more than five or ten minutes.

The Lutheran Church prefers to eliminate the custom of throwing rice after the bride and groom at the church door.

Question 9: What ceremony is used by the Mormons (members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints)?

Answer: The ceremonies are of two classifications: Those members of the church who, because of their worthiness, may be married by a person holding the Holy Priesthood within the temples of the church. When this kind of marriage occurs, the officiator having authority terms the bride and groom married "for time and for all eternity." Even their children will belong to them in eternity, the Mormons believe, when the couple is married this way (in other ceremonies the expression is "Until death us do part"). For this ceremony, the couple may not have brides­maids at the temple. They may have bridesmaids at the recep­tion. Parents of the bride and groom are present for this cere­mony if they are in good standing.

Members may be married outside the church by a Bishop of the church or may be married by any civil or legal authority. At a later time, provided their living has reflected certain require­ments of the church, they may be "sealed" for time and all eter­nity.

For the first ceremony mentioned above, there is no rehearsal, no procession. The certificate is signed before the ceremony.

Mormons are allowed to marry those of other faiths, and they acknowledge civil divorce.

Question 10: What is the procedure, generally, in Protestant wed' ding ceremonies?

Answer: Most Protestant wedding ceremonies are patterned after the Service in the Episcopal Church.

Marriage is a regular and not a special service of the Church—it is regarded by all as Sacramental, and therefore a Church mar­riage is completely under the authorities of the Church.

There are a number of requirements which must be met.

Civil requirements depend upon the locality. (See Chapter VI—Wedding Plans.)

The Church requires witnesses to the ceremony.

One party must be baptized and the other willing to take the necessary vows.

The Episcopal Church and certain other churches do not marry people who are divorced.

In the Episcopal Church and in certain Lutheran Churches, the minister must be consulted at least three days before the mar­riage in accordance with Canon Law. An individual clergyman can, based on his judgment of their fitness to marry each other, refuse to marry a couple even though all requirements have been met.

The laws of some religious bodies do not allow for visiting clergymen of other Communions to take part in the ceremony, but a prayer may be said by such a clergyman between the two parts of the service if desired.

The Service is in two parts: betrothal and the actual Marriage (depending on the individual religious body).

Decorations in the Church, if any, are to be in accord with Church usage. The names of authorized or approved florists will be furnished by the minister. Elaborate decorations are consid­ered in bad taste by the Church.

Music, in accordance with the pronouncement of the American Guild of Organists, should be played by the regular organist of the Church; by an outsider only with the regular organist's per­mission. The Church feels that when soloists are included as part of the ceremony they are distracting to the natural Church at­mosphere. If they are employed there are appropriate hymns ap­pointed by the Church. Music must always be absolutely liturgi­cal.

Most Episcopal Churches are carpeted, and therefore many of the clergy prefer that white aisle runners not be used in addition to the regular carpeting. They consider it a nuisance, making for unnecessary and fussy ceremonial oddities. They feel that if a fu­ture Queen of England could be married without such goings on, anybody else can.

Photographers are almost never allowed inside the Church.

Fees: the Sexton should be paid in accordance with the time he spends in preparation and in cleaning afterwards—ten to fif­teen dollars per person.

The Minister should be consulted for information regarding fees for organist, traffic officer, use of Church by non-members.

The Holy Communion may be celebrated for the bride and groom before or after the marriage service when the ceremony is scheduled in the morning. This custom is increasingly popular.

The Church recognizes no reason for the substitution of an­other person in place of the bride at the rehearsal, nor does the Church consent to any superstition about the "danger" of the groom's seeing the bride before the ceremony on the day of the marriage.

In all Church processions a short and regular step is used— without pause or hesitation. Styles change, and the artificial 1890 "hitch-step" is not regarded as acceptable.

The Clergy, bridegroom and best man enter in the most direct way to the choir steps. The Minister stands at the chancel steps, not necessarily at the "top" of them in case there are quite a few. The ushers lead the procession and the bridesmaids follow them. The maid of honor precedes the bride who comes in on her father's (or guardian's) left arm. The bride is on her father's left for two reasons. When they arrive to take their positions in front of the clergy, her father is thus in position to place her right hand in the clergyman's hand without awkwardness. Also be­cause, theoretically, the first time a woman is on a man's right arm is when she leaves on her husband's. When her father places her right hand in the clergyman's hand at the appointed time, he is giving her to the Church, who in turn gives her to the bride­groom. Thus, her marriage "is made in Heaven." The Bride's father does not make verbal response at all when asked "Who giveth this woman?"—he simply steps forward and puts her hand in the Minister's. The maid-(or matron) of-honor is responsible for handling either the bride's prayer book or bouquet, if this be carried instead of the prayer book, and for adjusting the bride's train as she leaves the altar. As soon as the bride arrives at the chancel steps, she should hand her prayer book, or bouquet, to her maid-of-honor so that her hands are free.

The response of the bride and groom to the questions is "I will," (not "I do," as commonly misquoted). Originally, the words in the marriage service were "Till death us depart"; they are now changed to "Till death us do part." This, too, is often misquoted as "Till death do us part."

There is no question as to whether the bride should or should not take the bridegroom's arm as she moves to the altar for the second part of the ceremony—she can't because her right hand has been placed in the clergyman's hand by her father, and there it remains on the way to the altar.

Between the betrothal part of the service and the actual mar­riage, when the Minister leads the couple to the altar with the bride's hand in his, a hymn may be sung. At this time, the maid-of-honor moves up to the altar on the left of the bride and the best man on the right of the bridegroom.

For the ring ceremony, the best man puts the ring into the groom's hand—he in turn puts it in the bride's hand—then it goes onto the priest's prayer book. The Minister then goes to the altar for the blessing of the ring. When he returns, the groom takes the ring from the prayer book and puts it on the bride's fin­ger. It is important to make clear what is meant by the ring fin­ger. If one is counting from the thumb, it is the "fourth" finger. If one is counting from the index finger, the ring finger then is termed the "third" finger. The Church believes that the element of suspense that people attach to the possibility of dropping or losing the ring during the ceremony is unnecessary. Any clergy­man has a ring available (probably one from his own finger) which he can produce to continue on with the ceremony in the event of a mishap to the actual ring. As far as the double ring ceremony is concerned, there is no provision made for it in the prayer book. The double ring ceremony will be performed by the clergyman, if desired, but the bridegroom's ring is given without the verbal formula attached to giving the bride's ring. In double ring ceremonies, the maid-of-honor carries the ring the bride will give. The best man is still responsible for the ring the groom will give.

The clergyman will give any necessary directions during the ceremony, so that there is no need for the bride and bridegroom to feel apprehensive about remembering what to do. They should be calm and relaxed and know that the clergyman will get them through the ceremony without mishap.

The Church prefers the term "Retiring Procession" to "Reces­sional." The bridesmaids should be paired off, followed by the ushers in pairs. The maid-of-honor should walk alone and the best man go out by the vestry. The bridesmaids are not paired off with the ushers.
It would take special permission to perform the ceremony out of church—and this permission is granted only in an emergency such as a dying mother at whose bedside the marriage is to be performed.

Question 11: In what ways do the Major Communions of the Protestant Church vary from the wedding service in the Epis­copal Church as outlined in the previous question?

Answer: There is no insistence on Baptism.

Protestant Churches generally permit remarriage of divorced persons.

It is true everywhere that an individual clergyman may refuse to marry a couple if in his judgment they should not be married.

The Church is willing to act favorably upon the request for a visiting clergyman to take part in the ceremony.

Music does not necessarily have to be absolutely liturgical.

White aisle runners are frequently used for formal weddings.

The bride is usually escorted up the aisle on her father's right arm. When the question is asked, "Who giveth this woman?"— the bride's father (or guardian) places her right hand into the minister's with or without verbal response according to the wishes of the individual involved. When he does respond verbally, he usually says, "I do" or "Her mother and I do." The minister then places the bride's right hand in that of the groom. Between the betrothal part of the service and the actual mar­riage, when the minister leads the couple to the altar, the bride may slip her right hand over the groom's left arm, or they may proceed holding hands, or he may assist her with his hand under her right elbow.

For the ring ceremony, the best man usually puts the ring directly into the minister's hand. The minister turns and holds the ring to the Cross, prays and returns it to the groom who puts it on the bride's finger. In a double ring ceremony, the same procedure is followed except that the maid-of-honor produces the groom's ring.

The procedure of the Recessional may follow any one of several formations. (See Chapter VII.)

The minister will marry the couple outside the church in proper surroundings, with their family and friends attending.

Question i 2: What are the procedures for a wedding in the Roman Catholic Church?

Answer: There is a solemn betrothal ceremony which has always existed and which has been used widely in Europe but not fre­quently in this country until the last few years. Now it is coming more and more into practice. It is a private ceremony which occurs in advance of the wedding date, and requires no special dress or invitations. The ceremony takes place in the church, parish house, or rectory, and the arrangements for the time and place should be made with the officiating priest. This ceremony is entirely optional.

An engagement means the period during which the couple prepares for matrimony spiritually and materially—that period between their engagement announcement and their celebration of the sacrament o£ matrimony. The Catholic Church believes the betrothal ceremony aids the couple in keeping their court­ship chaste, gives them a feeling of security during long engage­ments, enabling them to wait more patiently, and helps them to remember the spiritual meaning of their engagement. It also minimizes hasty, ill-considered engagements or sudden, un­reasonable dissolution.

Due to a misunderstanding of the extent to which the rite of betrothal service would bind them, some couples have been distrustful o£ it. Actually, it may be broken by mutual consent or by unwillingness of one or the other to marry. The pact may be terminated simply by notification of the parish in which it was made.
Universal military training and college attendance of a larger percent of middle class young men and women has brought about longer engagements. This combined with a shaky mar­riage trend in society today has caused couples to seek the sta­bility offered in the betrothal service.

For the ceremony, the couple kneels at the altar railing, fac­ing the priest inside. After the antiphon, a psalm, and a prayer, the betrothal promises are said. The priest declares the couple betrothed, the ring is blessed and placed on the girl's finger. Afterwards a betrothal paper is signed.

In the Roman Catholic Church, marriage is considered one of the Sacraments. Important features of the service are: the bride and groom join right hands; the priest endows them with a Solemn Blessing; the groom gives the ring to the bride (a pre-Christian custom that indicates faithfulness). The actual mar­riage ceremony is the same in all Roman Catholic Churches. The variations occur in the procedures preceding or following the actual ceremony. We shall indicate these.

The Church prefers that the maid of honor and the best man be Roman Catholics, but they may not be if special dispensa­tions have been granted.

Women's heads must be covered in all Roman Catholic Churches.

Members of the wedding party who are non-Roman Catholics are instructed how to genuflect during the rehearsal.

A Roman Catholic bride may, instead of carrying a bouquet, prefer to carry a white rosary that belongs in her family. Or she may carry the rosary with her bouquet.

Roman Catholic weddings may be held at any time of the year. If they are held during Lent or Advent, Nuptial Blessing is not included except with special permission that might be re­ceived from the Bishop.

The Nuptial Mass is in addition to the marriage ceremony; it may or may not be celebrated according to the time and place of the wedding and the personal wishes of the participants. If it does not, the time of the ceremony may be set for the after­noon any time up until six o'clock.

Holy Communion is usually received during Mass by the bride and groom, by any members of the bridal party who are Catho­lics, and possibly by the parents. Or the bride and groom may have partaken of Holy Communion early in the morning of their wedding day and thus will not include this as part of their wed­ding mass service. The universal law of the Church requires that a Catholic fast three hours from solid foods and alcoholic beverages and one hour from nonalcoholic beverages before the reception of Holy Communion. Fasting from midnight is no longer required.

Mass may be celebrated only within the church before noon.

Times for the Nuptial Mass are from five or six o'clock in the morning (one hour before dawn) up to twelve noon—or 1: oo p.m. with special permission (in daylight saving time, noon might be one o'clock according to our clocks).

A wedding Mass is usually planned for later in the morning than early to avoid conflict with a funeral Mass that might hap­pen to be scheduled for that same day. It is, of course, desirable not to have the confusion of flowers and decorations which might result if the two are too close together.

The Nuptial Mass is classified into three types: Low Mass, about half-an-hour; High Mass, forty minutes; Solemn Nuptial Mass, one hour with three priests officiating. For the ceremony, almost an unlimited number of priests, bishops, archbishops, monseigneurs, and possibly a cardinal, may lend their presence. The celebrant of Solemn High Mass is assisted by a deacon and a subdeacon. If the family is a prominent Roman Catholic one, the bridal couple may receive the Papal benediction.

For Low Mass, there is an organ and often a soloist, the music is usually liturgical but with special permission may occasionally include other selections. For High Mass a soloist is optional but some form of choir is necessary to sing the responses. A solemn Nuptial Mass always has a choir.

The bride walks down the aisle with her father, on his arm, as in other processionals (see Chapter VII). The ushers and bridesmaids have previously moved on into the sanctuary. Her father hands her over to the groom and then takes his place in the front pew left with his wife. The bride and groom walk together into the sanctuary and to the altar where the priest is waiting for them.

The actual marriage ceremony in the Catholic service is shorter than most Protestant services. The ring, produced at the proper time by the best man and given to the groom, is handed by him first to an acolyte who passes it on to the priest. The priest blesses it.

If a Nuptial Mass is not included in the ceremony, it may be performed in front of the sanctuary. When this is done, the at­tendants also stand in front and not within the sanctuary.

When Nuptial Mass follows the ceremony, it is customary for the best man and maid of honor to remain in the sanctuary with the bridal couple when the sanctuary in use is large enough to permit them to do so. Regarding the departure of the brides­maids and ushers from the sanctuary before the beginning of the Nuptial Mass, there is no general legislation of the Church cov­ering this point; local customs prevail in various parts of the country. Arrangements will have been decided in advance and rehearsed. They may walk out of the sanctuary and take seats in the front pews, bridesmaids on the left and ushers on the right. They usually rise and kneel when the others do during the Mass. Or they may be given seats in the sanctuary or in the choir stalls. In this case, they sometimes kneel throughout Mass, and stand for the Gospel.

Two special chairs are placed before the altar for the bridal couple. Sometimes they each have a separate, white-covered kneeling bench. They follow the usual procedure for Mass, kneeling, sitting, standing, at the appointed times. An altar boy adjusts the bride's train as she moves about, or the maid of honor sometimes gets up to take care of this.
After the ceremony and the Mass, the recessional may follow the form given in Chapter VII.

The Roman Catholic Church has a small Mass book, con­taining the marriage service and the complete Nuptial Mass. It begins with these instructions: "The priest, vested in a sur­plice and white stole, accompanied by at least one clerk to carry the book and a vessel of holy water, in the presence of two or three witnesses—questions the man and woman concerning their consent to marry. The priest first asks the bridegroom, who stands or kneels at the right side of the bride: . . ." Here the words of the service begin, followed by more instructions. The bride and groom are told when to kneel, when to join hands, all the way through the service and the Mass. These booklets, bound in white, with the bride's and groom's names written inside, are usually provided by the bride's family for all mem­bers of the wedding party and for all the guests at the wedding.

Some authorities say that all guests should observe the customs of the church—kneel when the others do, whether they are of the faith or not. Others say this is hypocritical, and therefore wrong. Some believe it does not matter as long as a person be­haves reverently. Naturally a Protestant or Jewish person would have no reason to make the sign of the cross.

As for the marriages of Catholic and non-Catholic, it is fairly common in the United States for these weddings to take place in the Church. This is the result of rather recent legislation by the Bishops of many dioceses in the United States. When this occurs, permission is usually not given for the ceremony to take place in the bride's home.

As far as the signing of the marriage certificate is concerned, the only signatures required of the bride and groom are the signatures they affix to the premarital investigation, done some time prior to the wedding. After the ceremony, the two wit­nesses, the maid-of-honor and the best man, affix their signatures to the civil license, as having witnessed the ceremony.

Question 13: What is the procedure in the Eastern Orthodox Church?

Answer: The Eastern Orthodox Church (Holy Eastern Orthodox Catholic Apostolic Church), The Russian Orthodox Church, The Greek Orthodox Church, and The Rumanian Orthodox Church for the most part follow the same procedure. The varia­tions in the different "Orthodox" churches are described imme­diately after the account given here of general procedure.

An "Old Country" prerequisite, not always observed in this country, is the publishing of the "banns" on three Sundays suc­cessively in advance of the marriage.

The Orthodox Church (in U.S. liberal churches) allows mixed marriage, if both parties are Christian.

Divorced persons may be married in the Eastern Orthodox Church up to three times for any one of eighteen different causes of divorce, provided they have received a religious decree. The Church Council of Divorce convenes and passes upon the circum­stances and the divorce may be granted by a bishop.

The music is all vocal in the Slavic groups, either soloist or choir—organs are used in most other Orthodox churches. Al­though the choir sings often only liturgical music, Americanized churches are far more liberal. There are particular selections customarily used at weddings.

Weddings are timed for afternoon or evening. Marriage is not allowed in Orthodoxy during Great Lent.

The bride and groom take Communion sometime before the wedding day ... it may be on the day before (the preparation for Communion includes making confessions and fasting from mid­night until morning, after the Communion).

The Sanctuary is enclosed almost altogether with "iconostasis" which are panels beautifully decorated with paintings of holy pictures. The Holy Table, within the Sanctuary, may be seen through the opened center doors, known as The Holy Doors.

A table, referred to as the "lectern," stands in the middle of the church in front of the Sanctuary. On it are placed the Cross, the Gospels, the rings, the crowns, tapers and fresh flowers.

Of these churches, only the Slavic groups have no pews. (Guests stand during services). Where there are no pews, ushers must be given a variation of instructions about seating guests and, of course, "ribbons" are not used. Otherwise, where there are pews in the church, ushers follow the usual procedure. (See Chapter VII.)

The wedding procession is the same as others ... the bride is given away by her father; the positions in front of the Sanctuary are similar to those in other wedding services. In the Eastern Or­thodox ceremonies, after the processional, bridesmaids and ush­ers are usually placed at the right and left of the engaged couple in front of the sanctuary, in lines on each side of the lectern.

The wedding service is in two parts: the betrothal service and the order of marriage, or of crowning. It lasts from thirty-five minutes to an hour. It takes place mainly in front of the Sanctu­ary around the lectern. Mass does not follow the marriage cere­mony.

The betrothal ceremony is rich in traditional symbolism. It is a pledge of mutual fidelity and attachment. In former days it was separate and distinct from actual marriage service. In those days, the man gave a gold, and the woman a silver, ring, in exchange. Loosely it could be considered a contract of a bargain made. Now the betrothal service, although prior to the actual wedding serv­ice, is connected with the marriage service; at this service, rings are exchanged before the priest as a sign of betrothal. The sym­bolism of the lighted tapers given bride and groom now signifies that there is no darkness in their lives through the light of the Lord and that their lives are pure.

When the bride joins the groom, the priest makes the sign of the cross three times over their heads and then gives them the lighted tapers. Each action performed three times during pro­ceedings is in honor of the Holy Trinity. The priest takes the two wedding rings to the altar within the Sanctuary, blesses them and leaves them there during the prayers which follow. The groom and then the bride receive the rings on their fingers, first from the priest, then the best man and the maid of honor take them and exchange them three times with the bride and groom; after which the groom endows the bride's finger—right hand—with his ring and she does the same with her ring to him—on his right hand. An Orthodox Catholic bride, even in the United States, usually wears her wedding ring on the third finger of her right hand.

At the beginning of the second part of the service which is the actual marriage service, it is customary to lead the bridal pair onto a piece of new silk spread before the lectern. This is a sym­bol of happiness and prosperity for their future. The priest asks first the bridegroom and then the bride to assent that this mar­riage is of their own free will.

There are two long prayers and then the priest puts a gold crown on the groom's head, and then another one on the bride's head. The crowns have a triple significance: honor and glory, purity, and a memorial to the Martyrs' Crowns. The crowning service is a token that this is the triumph of continence. That is why it is omitted at the second or third wedding services. There is a removal of crowns service, not practiced today in the U.S.A., which is done on the eighth day after marriage; after which the bride is taken to the bridegroom's house to enter into the care thereof.

The priest reads from the Gospel—Ephesians 5:20-33 (which is the description of the married life of Spirit-filled believers as illustrating Christ and the Church). Then the priest reads the Gospel lesson, John 2:1-12, which is the story of the miracle of the marriage where Christ changed water into wine.

The choir sings The Lord's Prayer. After this, the "common cup" containing wine is brought. Wine is used in the marriage ceremony in memory of the miracle at Cana where Jesus Christ blessed the marriage with his presence, when wine was served which he had transformed from water. The bride and groom drink the wine from a "common cup" of weal and woe: a token of their intention to share their possessions, their joys and sor­rows, and to live in unbroken concord. The priest blesses the cup and gives it to the couple three times: first to the bridegroom and then to the bride. He next ties their right hands together with a handkerchief and leads them in a circle three times around the lectern. The circle is an emblem of eternity. It is formed around the lectern holding The Gospel and the Cross as signifi­cation of the bride's and groom's vow to preserve their marriage bond until death.

Following a musical rendition by the choir, the priest removes the crowns from the couple's heads, the handkerchief from their hands, and gives them a blessing while their heads are bowed. He then pronounces them man and wife and wishes them all happi­ness. After the choir has sung "Many Years" three times, the bride and groom lead the recessional.

The marriage certificate is usually signed after the ceremony, but it may vary with the habit of the priest.

There are some variations in the different Orthodox churches. The Greek Church in America does not require that the guests stand during the ceremony except for certain sacred parts. When the churches contain pews, therefore, the guests sit for most of the ceremony. The table before the "iconostasis" or altar screen, is called the sub-altar. The choir selections are generally related to traditional chants, but the bride may have Lohengrin sung with Greek devotional words for the processional. American churches are more liberal on this. The Greek bride always has her face covered. The marriage service takes about twenty-five min­utes. The maid of honor and the best man are termed "koumbari" in the Greek Orthodox Church. In the Greek church, the best man leads the bridegroom to the sub-altar at the exact time that the processional of ushers and bridesmaids start from the back of the church. The ushers and bridesmaids may pair off in position for the ceremony, or all the men may stand on one side and the bridesmaids on the other. The double ring ceremony is referred to as a ten-minute betrothal service. When this is over, sometimes bride and groom move up to the altar steps for the marriage ceremony. Wreaths of waxy flowers and ribbons are put on their heads by the priest. These are exchanged three times by "koumbari." Following the reading of the Gospel, a cup of wine (the "common cup") is shared by the bride and groom (those who are Orthodox), while Psalm 115 is chanted. When the priest ties their hands, he sings "The Hand of God Descends." The re­cessional is the same as in other wedding ceremonies. Following the recessional, the Greek family friends mingle on the church steps with the other guests, and hand out festive packages of Jor­dan almonds. The bride and groom save their wreaths from the ceremony.

In the Russian Churches there are no pews and everyone stands. The Russian bride does not have to wear a face veil. Crowns, loaned by the Church, are held over the heads of the couple.

A wedding "reception," which indicates a feast and dancing, always follows (though not necessarily immediately) an Ortho­dox Catholic wedding. The reception is usually held in a hotel or rented hall.

Question 14: What are the customs for the Friends or Quaker wed­ding?

Answer: The Friends groups believe in the utmost simplicity in con­nection with their marriage ceremony in their Meeting Houses. The wedding is essentially a meeting for worship in which a marriage takes place. They do not have music as an accompani­ment to the ceremony and, virtually, the bride and groom marry themselves in the presence of witnesses. In some Friends Meet­ings there is now an appointed minister. Originally there was not and in many Meetings there still is no pastor, and meetings for worship are unprogrammed.

In order to prevent unduly hasty marriages, it is necessary for the couple "to pass meeting." A special committee, termed the Committee on Clearness, sometimes the Family Relations Com­mittee, appointed by the Monthly Meeting investigates "clear­ness from other entangling engagements" and establishes "clear­ness to proceed" with the marriage. When the report of this com­mittee has been accepted by the meeting under whose care the couple has asked to be married, they are free to proceed with wedding plans. (Passing Meeting is comparable to the publishing of banns of marriage.) After "clearness to proceed" has been es­tablished the meeting appoints a second committee termed the "Committee of Oversight" for the wedding. This group aids in plans for the wedding day procedure; checks that the rights of children have been legally secured if either of the couple has children by a former marriage; sees that the wedding is per­formed with dignity, reverence and simplicity; sees that both sections of the license are signed by bride and groom and the committee, and that the proper portion of it is returned to the court within the specified time; encourages friends who have at­tended the ceremony to sign the certificate following the meeting and arranges for the care of it during this period; arranges for the recording of the certificate in the manner required by the Monthly Meeting and supervises the return of it to the newly married couple; reports to the Monthly Meeting whether good order, reverence and moderation were observed, whether legal requirements were satisfied and the certificate properly re­corded; furnishes the marriage license number and the name assumed by the wife after marriage.

One or both of the couple desiring to marry is usually a mem­ber of the Society of Friends.

Note: Very rarely two non-Friends ask to be married under the care of a Meeting. When it happens, the same care is taken. It is customary for the bride's Meeting to have oversight of the wedding.

The procedure necessary to accomplish a Friends wedding under the care of the Monthly Meeting should be begun at least three months prior to the date set for the wedding. (In situations where there is need to pass meeting in less than the usual time re­quired, special meetings may be called.) The couple presents a letter signed by both to the clerk of the Monthly Meeting under whose care they wish to be married. This letter states intention to marry and desire that the Monthly Meeting have oversight of the wedding. Whenever possible this note should be accom­panied by written consent of parents or guardians. If one of the couple is a member of another meeting, he or she is expected to ask for a certificate of clearness from his or her Monthly Meeting to be addressed to the Monthly Meeting having over­sight of the wedding. If neither bride nor groom is a member of the Monthly Meeting under whose care they are seeking to be married, they send their letter addressed to the Overseers instead of the clerk. If one is not a member of the Society of Friends, it is customary for the Committee of the other's meeting to get in touch with the minister of the church to which the non-member belongs or with someone in the community in which he or she lives who is in a position to supply whatever informa­tion the Meeting sponsoring the wedding should have. When this report on the non-member's clearness is received, it is forwarded along with the report on the member's clearness to the clerk of the Meeting. The engaged couple may suggest names of mem­bers of the Monthly Meeting whom they would like to have serve as a Committee of Oversight for their wedding. They should submit a request to the clerk of the day and hour and place they would like to be married.

Wedding invitations and final wedding plans should be de­layed until the notification from the clerk comes in that the proposed marriage is allowed by the Meeting.

The bride and groom meet with the Committee of Oversight to discuss the choice of someone to read the certificate and someone to close the meeting for worship. They invite the Com­mittee to be present at the rehearsal before the wedding.

They have a marriage certificate prepared. Information con­cerning this may be obtained from the Friends Central Bureau at 1515 Cherry Street in Philadelphia, Pa.

They comply with all the legal requirements of the county in the state in which the marriage is to take place. The license form must be the correct one for use in a Friends' wedding in which no clergyman participates. Because in some counties the proper license form is not immediately obtainable, it is im­portant that they get in touch with the Marriage License Bu­reau in plenty of time. They are responsible for getting the license into the hands of the Committee of Oversight as soon as it is obtained.

They commit to memory the words of the ceremony. (Faith and Practice, p. 80) It is recommended that they become thoroughly familiar with the words they are to say to each other long before the time set for the wedding so that they may be calm and able to experience the meaning and spiritual sig­nificance of the moment.

The wedding party includes a maid-of-honor, a best man and the number of bridesmaids and ushers desired by bride and groom.

The bride may wear a wedding gown and veil, and her brides­maids may be dressed accordingly. The men in the wedding party wear the attire correct for the formality of the particular wedding planned (See Chapter VI).

On the wedding day, the bridal party enters the Meeting House. The processional for the wedding may be like the pro­cessional for a wedding in other denominations, or, as in the early days of this country, the bride and groom may walk in together, in recognition of the fact that they are free to give themselves to each other. If this earlier custom is followed for the processional, the ushers lead, then comes the best man, the father does not walk in it at all but is seated beforehand on the front bench with the bride's mother. The bridal attendants fol­low the best man, and then the bride and groom come together down the aisle. However, if the more modern procedure for the processional is followed, the bride's father usually takes her to meet the groom, but does not verbally or formally give her away. The father turns the bride over to the groom, and then joins his wife on the front bench. The custom of not "giving the bride away" was adopted in the early days of the Soci­ety of Friends in affirmation of the fact that they recognized the status of women to be equal to that of men. This eliminated the need for the bride to be given in marriage by her father or someone substituting for him.

There are benches facing the membership, called "facing seats." Whether or not the bride and groom sit facing the meet­ing is a matter of individual choice. In some weddings the bride's parents sit beside her and the groom's parents beside him. This too is a matter of choice. Bridal attendants and groomsmen are also seated, either alternately on both sides of the bride and groom or all the bridal attendants on the bride's side and all the ushers on the groom's side.

Following a brief period of silence, the bride and groom rise and, taking each other by the right hand, say the ceremony to each other. Thus they enter into a binding relationship between themselves, before God and in the presence of their friends.

In contrast to the practice of early days, it is now customary for Friends to wear wedding rings though there is no ring cere­mony inherent in the Friends' procedure. If the giving and re­ceiving of rings is to take place during the wedding, it is usually done incidentally and immediately following the ceremony.

As soon as the bride and groom are seated the marriage certifi­cate is placed before them for their signatures. First the groom signs his name and then the bride, who adopts the surname of her husband. The signing of the marriage certificate by the bride and groom immediately after the ceremony is comparable to being pronounced man and wife.

The best man is usually responsible for this part of the cere­mony. It is he and one of the ushers who place before the bride and groom the table upon which is spread the certificate. As soon as the signing is accomplished the table is returned to its place and the best man takes the certificate to the person who has been asked to read it. The reading of this document, beauti­ful in its wording, is a significant part of the wedding procedure. The reading begins after the best man is seated and it is he who replaces it on the table when the reading is finished. The best man's performance during this part of the service should be dignified and careful in order not to disturb the atmosphere of worship into which the meeting settles "after the manner of Friends."

After suitable time it is customary for the person chosen by the bride and groom to close the meeting to rise and suggest that the bridal party withdraw. After the recessional, this per­son "breaks meeting" by shaking hands with the person next to him. All who have been present are asked to sign the marriage certificate as evidence of the fact that they are witnesses to the beginning of the new relationship of the young couple. Later, copies are filed with the records of the Meeting and in the court house and the original is returned to the bride and groom. It becomes one of their cherished possessions.

After the wedding and before they leave on their honey­moon, the bride and groom sign both sections of the license. (One section they keep, the other is returned by a member of the Committee of Oversight to the Clerk of the Orphans Court).

Question 16: How are marriages performed in the Christian Science faith?

Answer: The by-laws of The First Church of Christ, Scientist, in Boston, Mass., state that "the ceremony shall be performed by a clergyman who is legally authorized." A Christian Science Reader is elected, not ordained. Therefore, their marriages are performed by ordained ministers.

Question 17: What are the customs for Jewish wedding ceremo­nies?

Answer: At present in this country there are three groups in the Jewish faith: the Orthodox, the Conservative and the Reform synagogues. Although the marriage service is similar, more tra­ditional ritual is followed in the Orthodox and Conservative groups than in the Reformed. But there are many variations in each, and almost every rabbi follows a slightly different form.

Jewish weddings may be held in hotel, club, home or syna­gogue at any time of day. They do not take place on the Sab­bath (sunset Friday until sunset Saturday), or on certain festival days and fasting periods.

A canopy, or chupah—rectangular shaped—made of silk, sup­ported by four poles which are often velvet covered, five or six feet apart, is set up on a low platform. Often this canopy is deco­rated with flowers, sometimes it is made entirely of flowers and green leaves. The canopy is a required part of the Orthodox and Conservative groups, whether the wedding be held within or without the synagogue, but not of the Reformed. Tradition­ally, the canopy was carried by men of the wedding party and male relatives. It was supported during the ceremony by the four poles held in the hands of the fathers and mothers. It is usually fixed in place on the platform today and is not carried in the procession. The canopy may be provided by the rabbi, or may be available at the hotel where the wedding is to be held, or may be entirely constructed by the florist. For most informal weddings there is a praying shawl "talis" that is used instead of the canopy, when only the immediate families are witnesses. These are heir­loom pieces handed down in families through the male members.

The equipment needed for the ceremony, in addition to the canopy, is a white covered table, two cups, one thin glass wrapped in a white napkin, and sacramental wine. This table with the wine, cups and the glass is placed under the chupah, before, beside, or behind the rabbi.

Ten males must be present in the Orthodox ceremony.

In the Orthodox and Conservative synagogues (but not in the Reformed) men's heads must be covered. It is customary to wear high silk hats for formal weddings, and skull caps of silk if less formal. The skull caps may be provided by the synagogue or by the bride's family.

The bride, seated with her attendants, receives guests shortly before the ceremony in a room adjacent to the one in which she will be married. According to the traditional oriental back­ground of the Jewish religion, the bride wears a face veil— even with a short wedding gown. In the strict Orthodox tradi­tion, her wedding gown must be well covered in the neckline and she must wear long sleeves, or long gloves if short sleeves are part of her dress. Her attendants, also, must wear dresses that cover the shoulders and neckline well, and must have sleeves or gloves to cover their arms. In the Reformed synagogue, while the bride usually wears a face veil, she may, if she likes, and she often does, wear a very décolleté gown.

The guests assemble outside the room where the ceremony will be held until just before time to begin. The families of the bride and groom are escorted to their respective pews. These pews are then enclosed with white silk cords or bands. Following this, the remainder of the guests are seated. They usually remain seated during the ceremony although there are times the rabbi will ask them to stand for parts of it. In the Orthodox and Conservative ceremonies, usually the right is considered the bride's side and the left the groom's—but this too may vary. For the reformed ceremony, the bride's and groom's sides correspond to the custom in other denominations—left for the bride and right for the groom.

The usual wedding marches are used for the processional and recessional and there may be special music during the ceremony.

Best usage in each locality has established the order of the processional, recessional, and arrangement at the altar. The rabbis have not established, as a group, any special regulations. One procedure that is followed frequently in the Orthodox Synagogue is for the rabbi to lead the processional, the best man to follow him, the groom next with his mother on one side and his father on the other, then the maid of honor, flower girl (if any) and the bride with her mother and father. Or, the groom's father may walk down the aisle with him, and the bride's father with her, while the two mothers walk together. Both mothers and fathers are part of the recessional. In the Reformed Service, the procession is the same as in all weddings (see Chapter VII). The father walks down the aisle with his daughter on his right arm. When they reach a point near the first pew where he will be seated, the groom steps up to meet them and escorts his bride-to-be the remaining distance to the waiting rabbi.

Not in any Jewish ceremony is the bride ever given away by her father.

In the Orthodox Service, the bride and groom and honor at­tendants must stand under the canopy and face the rabbi. When the ceremony is held within the synagogue, they face the Ark as well. When it is held outside the synagogue, it is not customary to have an Ark or altar of any kind. The bride stands at the right of the groom instead of his left, as in other marriage cere­monies. Her maid of honor is to the right of her, and the best man to the left of the groom. If space permits, both mothers and fathers may be under the canopy during the ceremony; if not, they stand just outside of it. Or, only the fathers are under. Where they are placed depends on circumstances and the per­sonal desires of those involved. The bridesmaids and ushers are frequently lined up in converging lines on either side of the canopy, bridesmaids on the right (the bride's side) and ushers on the left.

The Jewish Orthodox ceremony is composed of four impor­tant sections: The betrothal benedictions, the ring ceremony, Ketubah—the marriage contract—, the "Seven Marriage Bene­dictions." The choir sings or the cantor chants between these sections.

The service was established in Hebrew and Aramaic. Since all Jews do not understand the language, some states have laws com­pelling the service to be held in English.

The wine is blessed first of all. The rabbi passes it to the groom and then to the bride who each takes a sip.

Next is the ring ceremony. The ring for the Orthodox cere­mony must be plain gold. The best man, who has been holding it, gives it to the rabbi who says: "Dost thou take this woman to be thy wedded wife?" After the groom asserts that he will, the rabbi hands him the ring which he places on the right index finger of the bride (immediately after the ceremony, she may put it on her third finger, left hand). Usually in both Hebrew and English, the groom says the following words: "Be thou con­secrated unto me with this ring as my wife in accordance with the law of Moses and Israel."

The marriage certificate is repeated in Aramaic.

The rabbi gives a personal address to the bride and groom concerning the meaning of marriage, the beauty of it, the holi­ness of it and the meaning of it to society, the state and the syn­agogue.

The "Seven Marriage Benedictions" follow. Then the rabbi passes the glass of wine to the groom, who takes a sip and passes it to the bride. The groom crushes the glass beneath his foot. This ritual of breaking the glass has an ancient symbolism. The glass is crushed to remind the Jewish people of the fall of the Temple of Jerusalem.

The Reformed Service may be very similar to all other de­nominations. The ring is placed on the third finger, left hand, and does not necessarily have to be a solid gold circlet as in the Orthodox service. The rabbi very often includes as part of the ceremony his traditional Jewish personal address to the bride and groom, The Reformed Service does not require that the marriage certificate be read in Aramaic. However, some blessings may be said in Hebrew. There are times that the rabbi incor­porates the wine ceremony in the service.

If a Jew is marrying someone of another faith, the ceremony cannot be performed by a rabbi of Orthodox or Conservative groups—and not often by a Reformed rabbi. After special train­ing and study, a non-Jewish person may become a member of a Jewish synagogue; then the marriage may be performed by a rabbi of any one of the three congregations.

There are strict dietary requirements among Orthodox, and to a lesser extent Conservative, Jewish people. The Reformed group does not have dietary restrictions. Catering for the mar­riage feasts for the Orthodox or Conservative people must be done by specialists who understand these requirements. The Seven Blessings are said at the wedding repast.

The Reception

Question 18: When are wedding guests received in the church or parish house?

Answer: Usually guests are received in the rear of the church, in some other part of it, or in the parish house, when a reception has not been planned, or when the reception is to be held some hours after the ceremony and all the guests invited to the church are not also invited to the reception. It is never done when most of the guests at the church are also going on to a big reception immediately after the ceremony. When it is done, the formation of the line is patterned after the formation suggested in this sec­tion, with some qualifications as follows: the groom's mother is included only if she is a stranger in the community (so that she can be introduced to all of the guests). Otherwise, she may stand a little beyond the bridesmaids. The father of the bride may decide whether or not he wishes to stand in the line. Since this is not a formal reception, the father of the groom does not stand in the line. The receiving line is formed in the vestibule or on the porch (when there is one).

Question 19: What is the procedure for the receiving line in a wed­ding reception?

Answer: The location of the receiving line has been mentioned. Although space for guests is needed, when space is limited, a smaller room can be used for guests to pass through and larger rooms reserved for serving and eating. To avoid a bottleneck, try to keep from having guests cross each other as they go into and out of the line.

The bride is supposed to stand on the groom's right. There­fore, since she stands first, after the parents, the line should go from left to right. Some people believe that an orderly flow of traffic and more convenient space is of greater importance than whether the bride stands on the groom's right in the line, and therefore it should form from left to right, or right to left, whichever is more convenient.

There are several accepted ways for the formation of the re­ceiving line. It is possible that the differing advice concerning the formation of the receiving line may have come about for the following reasons: traditional convention maintains that a wed­ding reception is given in the bride's home in preference to anywhere else; that a wedding reception may be given in a club or hotel, but only as a last resort. In more recent times thinking seems to have changed even among people who have homes suita­ble for receptions. The majority of wedding receptions are now outside the home. Formerly, only people of wealth or certain cul­tural modes of living gave large receptions. Today the bride who is on a salary combines her resources with those of her parents, and gives a formal wedding and reception. With a formal wedding and reception, people in all walks of life are having a formal oc­casion to deal with for the first time in their experience. People who are scaling their lives to a big, formal event for this one time, are not following all the rules of old conventions. They absorb some of them, and feel content that they are doing well enough. Those who used to live formally even in their daily routines, have scaled down their living and have discarded many of the conven­tions of the past. All of this appears to be causing a leveling off process.

Specifically, the practice of considering the bride's and groom's mothers as not technically part of the receiving line, probably arose from the wishes of the bride's mother to be just inside her own door to greet guests as they reached the reception from church. She would, of course, have the groom's mother next to her to introduce guests not well known to her. If she knew the guests as well as the bride's mother, she would prefer, naturally, to re­ceive in another part of the room by herself or with her husband. The father of the bride would not be likely to stand in line in his own home in a community where all the guests were known to him. As the most formal weddings have become more informal, and as the guests are more likely to be from other cities, owing to the more cosmopolitan interests of brides and grooms today, the line has gradually changed to the point where it now includes the mothers, at least, and very often both fathers. Also, when a recep­tion is being held in a hotel suite, there is little point in placing the two mothers at the door of the suite.

The first accepted formation is: the mothers stand near enough the bride and groom to form one continuous line: first the mother of the bride, then the mother of the groom, then bride, groom, maid of honor and bridesmaids. The father of the bride may stand in the line or may circulate around the room. If in the line, he stands next to his wife. The father of the groom should be in the line only if he is a stranger to most guests and if in the line his position is between his wife and the bride. The second ac­cepted formation is to have the bride's mother, the groom's father, the groom's mother, the bride's father, the bride, the groom, the maid or matron of honor (both, if there are two), and bridesmaids all in one continuous line. One or both fathers may or may not stand in the line. Another recognized way to form a receiving line for a formal reception is to separate the par­ents from the bridal party entirely. Near the door, the bride's mother, the groom's father, the groom's mother and the bride's father stand. The bride's and groom's fathers need not partici­pate in this group if they prefer not to. They may instead greet the guests informally as they circulate among them. In the center of the room, possibly before a floral background, are the bride and groom, maid of honor and bridesmaids. According to this formation, the bride does not have to be first in line—there may be a division of bridesmaids, with half on one side of the bride, and the other half on the side with the maid of honor who is on one side of the groom. At a small wedding, the ushers usually conduct guests from the parents' line to the bride and groom's line, and introduce them. At a large wedding with hundreds of guests, this procedure would be impossible. Another formation would have a single line of all members of the wedding party with a small space separating parents and the bridal party. First, the bride's mother; next the bride's father if he is to stand in the line; if not, then the groom's mother next to the bride's mother; if the bride's father is in the line, the groom's mother is on his other side; finally, the groom's father. At a small distance, the bride and groom, usually the bride first unless the direction of the line requires that the groom be first in order that the bride may stand on his right. The maid of honor stands on the bride's right, with the bridesmaids standing beyond the maid of honor. Or the bridesmaids may be divided, with half on one side of the groom and the other half on the side of the maid of honor.

It is suggested that if the reception is a large one, both fathers stand in the line to ensure every guest's being greeted by the father of the bride, who is host, and being introduced to the father of the groom, who is the honored guest. However, the groom's father does not usually stand in the line if he and the group of guests know each other well. If he is a comparative stranger in the community he should stand in the line in order to meet all the guests. In the event that the father of the groom does not wish to stand in the receiving line, it is really important to assign one of the bride's relatives to look after him and see that he meets every­one.

If one or both parents are not living or cannot be present (either the bride's or the groom's), a close relative, or if none is available, a close friend, may take over this honor for the bride or groom. If the bride's mother is not living or is unable to attend the reception or to receive, the bride's father may ask a woman relative or close friend to act in her place. In this event, he us­ually stands first at the door to acquaint guests with the one he has asked to act as hostess. Or, as host, he may simply do the honors alone. In case of divorced or separated parents, see Chapter VI. For a double wedding, see Chapter VII.

The best man and ushers do not stand in line. However, the groom's father, who may have acted as best man for his son, will prove the exception to this rule.

Junior bridesmaids may stand in line if they are not too rest­less. A maiden of honor stands in the line. Children do not usu­ally stand in line but there is no rule that they may not if it is de­sired. Should a child be included, the position is next to the groom.

At a large wedding, it is wise to have a person standing at the beginning of the receiving line who will ask the guests their names and repeat the name to the mother of the bride. There are likely to be many people she does not know by name, since some guests are from the groom's side. Also, owing to the general ex­citement, she could easily forget the names of people she does know. The announcer should be hired from the caterer and should dress in formal day or evening attire, according to the time of the reception. If an announcer is not hired, the best man, one of the ushers, or a relative or friend of the family may perform this service.

Although the announcer asks the names of the guests and re­peats these names to the mother of the bride, who speaks to the guest, then introduces her to the mother of the groom standing next to her (or to her own husband, as the case may be), and al­though this procedure is repeated as the guest goes down the line, sometimes the introductions slip along the way. Each guest should have the opportunity to hear everyone's name. Therefore, when the guests reach the bridesmaids, if they do not know them and the introductions have grown weak, the bridesmaids should give their names to the guests.

Some feel that the bride and groom, as they stand in the receiv­ing line greeting guests, should mention to each guest the gift he sent and thank him. This seems an almost superhuman task, but if it is possible to do it, it is certainly the essence of thoughtful-ness. It is generally agreed, however, that the bride should not even try to remember what everyone gave and mention the pres­ent while receiving, but should act in general as if the present sent was exactly what she wanted.

The bride should not try to say too much along personal lines while receiving—there isn't time and she might confuse facts! She should be gracious, pleasant and natural. It will be enough for her to catch the guests' names and introduce them to her new hus­band, if he does not know them. The bride introduces to the groom her relatives and friends he does not know. With close friends and relatives she does it casually: "Gene, this is Cousin Ellen," or "Mrs. McGee, this is Gene!" With someone she does not know intimately, she is more formal: "Mrs. Keene, may I pre­sent my husband?"

The groom should try his best to look pleasant even though the receiving line is almost the hardest of the final formal obliga­tions of the wedding. People he knows whom the bride may not will be introduced by him to her. Otherwise, she will introduce people to him, or they will speak to mutual acquaintances to­gether. He doesn't have to say much as long as he looks happy and smiles. And he should remember names long enough to introduce people to the maid of honor standing next to him. To the bride, the groom's easy introduction of someone he knows well might be: "Lois, this is Aunt Mollie." Or, "Mrs. Bain, Lois." Or again, "Lois, this is Harry Hardie."

Women who are receiving wear gloves and hats until after all guests have been received. They may remove their gloves after­wards at the reception.

One authority points out that, very occasionally, the clergy­man may stand in the receiving line. If so, he stands between the bride and her father.

Usually the bride does not attempt to hold her bridal bouquet in her hand while receiving. But the bridesmaids should hold theirs in their left hands as their flowers are part of the color scheme of their costumes. If the bride has discarded hers tem­porarily, she should remember to pick it up before she makes the grand entrance to the bridal table with the groom.

After the receiving line breaks up, the bride's parents should look out for the groom's parents to make sure they are comforta­ble.

Question 20: What is the procedure for serving at the reception?

Answer: It is customary to begin serving guests as soon as they have passed through the receiving line.

When all guests have been received, the bride and groom, hand-in-hand, lead a procession of their attendants into the dining room to take their places at the bride's table (if there is one). The musicians usually play a quickened version of "Here Comes The Bride" at this point. The parents follow behind and take places at their table (not necessarily part of this procession). If there is no bride's table, the bride, groom, and attendants usually gather together in a group for the best man's toast—the waiters mean­while serving them all a glass of champagne or whatever beverage is served at the reception.

Question 21: What are the traditions for toasts?

Answer: At the bridal table, champagne is served (or other beverage as planned) first to the bride, then to the groom, next to the maid of honor, then to all the others, with the best man last. It is poured as soon as the first course has been served—which is often on the place plate when the group comes in to be seated. As men­tioned above, when there is no bridal table, the bridal party usu­ally forms into a group as soon as the receiving line is over, and when served, wait for the toast to the bride and groom. Everyone must be served a beverage before the toast can be offered—this includes the guests as well as the bridal party. Usually, by the time the receiving line is over, the guests have been served more than once!

Although this first toast is considered traditionally the obliga­tion and privilege of the best man, another person may be desig­nated to do the honor. The best man (or the one who is to propose the toast) gets to his feet and proposes a toast to the bride and groom. The musicians have usually given a fanfare in order that guests will know when to stop talking. All at the bridal table ex­cept the bride and groom get up and raise their glasses. The toast is made, everyone takes a sip of champagne. The groom should then get up to reply in the name of the bride and himself. The groom may then propose any other toasts he wishes—perhaps to his bride, perhaps to her mother. This is entirely optional. From then on, other toasts may be offered by other people. Sometimes some short speeches are made.

Note: If a toast is made to the bride alone, the groom rises and drinks with the others in her honor. When the toast is offered to the both of them, they do not stand nor do they drink to them­selves. For suggested toasts, see Supplement II.

Question 22: Are telegrams of congratulation read aloud at the re­ception?

Answer: If the bride and groom have indicated their wishes that he do so, the best man reads congratulatory telegrams aloud either immediately following the toasts or at any time afterwards during the repast.

Question 23: If the bride and groom are to observe the custom of drinking from the "coupe de manage/' when does this ceremony take place?

Answer: Inasmuch as this custom is a ceremonious pledge on the part of the bride and groom to their devotion and faithfulness to each other throughout life, it usually is planned for a time shortly after their friends' toasts to them or just before they cut the first slice of wedding cake together. For a description of this ceremony, see Chapter VI.

Question 24: What is the tradition for dancing at the reception?

Answer: If dancing is planned for the reception, it should begin with what is called the "traditional" dances. There are various opin­ions concerning the timing of this ceremony and the procedure. All agree, however, that the bride and groom should have the first dance and that guests do not dance until the full sequence of tra­ditional dances is complete.

The traditional dances usually begin after the second or main course has been served for a sit-down repast, or after the best man's toast and buffet, or food served, for other kinds of repasts. Occasionally, the bride and groom dance their first dance after the dessert. Some people say that the dancing should not begin until the meal is finished and those at the bridal table have fin­ished their coffee. Among some people there is a custom for the bride and groom to have their first dance when they enter the dining room after leading the bridal attendants in from the re­ceiving line. Then everyone starts dancing, and finally the bride and groom and attendants arrive at their places at the bridal table.

Provided they (bride and groom) have been seated first and the toasts are over, they get up with a fanfare from the orchestra and move out onto the dance floor—this is the more usual way. To a tune which they have specially requested for this occasion, often a waltz, they dance around the floor for several rounds while everyone watches.

Many people think that the bride's father should be first to cut in and dance with her, then the groom's father, then the best man, ushers, and probably the groom is back by then. Later on the men guests may ask the bride to dance.

Others think that the best man should be first to cut in on the bride and groom since this gives the bride's and groom's fathers opportunity to ask their own wives to dance around once or twice before they dance with anyone else, even the bride. Ushers may be alerted to cut in on the bride's and groom's parents right away so that the fathers are free for the bride, and then to cut in on the bride and her father and the bride and his father, so that the fathers are free to ask each other's wives to dance.

Another custom is that immediately after the bride and groom circle the floor once in their dance, the bride's father dances with the groom's mother, and the groom's father with the bride's mother, and the first person to dance with the bride after the groom is her new father-in-law. The bride then dances with her father, next with the best man, and then with each usher.

After the first dance, some think the groom should escort the bride back to the bridal table, and next ask her mother to dance while the bride's father comes to dance with her. If the groom asks his new mother-in-law to dance first after the bride, he should then ask his own mother, next the maid of honor, and then each bridesmaid.

Whatever the sequence, certainly it would be best man, bride's father and groom's father dancing with the bride before any guests.

Guests may begin dancing as soon as the bridal party's tradi­tional dances, as described above, are under way. Eventually, the best man dances with the maid of honor and with the brides­maids, and both mothers, and ushers with everyone in the bridal party and both mothers—and the groom the same. The order does not matter so much as long as everyone gets around to every­one at least once. Late in the progress of reception festivities, the best man and ushers and both fathers may be dancing with lady guests. Certainly the men in the wedding party who are married are free to ask their own wives to dance just as soon as they have fulfilled their responsibilities for the traditional dances of the bridal party.

After the dancing has been started, the bride and groom usu­ally sit and continue their meal, getting up occasionally for more dancing, as at any party.

Dancing may continue throughout the reception or only dur­ing dinner. Usually if planned, it is continued throughout.

If dancing has not been planned, and there is not a dance floor as such, but there is music, sometimes guests get gay with cham­pagne and find spaces between tables for some dancing. But there will not be traditional dances unless they have been planned, and there is adequate space.

I£ the family is in mourning, dancing would not be planned for the reception. There might be soft, subdued music instead.

Question 25: What is the tradition for cutting the cake?

Answer: The bride cuts the first piece of the bride's cake, usually from the bottom layer, with the groom's right hand over hers. They each feed the other a bite of this. When the first slice of wedding cake is shared by the bride and groom the meaning is that they will from then on share together. The caterer's man, a waiter, or a friend finishes the cutting and serves all the guests. If there is no groom's cake boxed for guests to take home, monogrammed paper napkins or cellophane bags are given to them in case they want to take this cake home to dream on. Used in the cutting ceremony is the special cake knife described in "Wedding Plans." Regarding the boxed wedding cake, see Chapter VI on Wedding Plans.

At some weddings, the ushers rise when the bride cuts the cake. If bridal attendants are seated at a bridal table, it is nice for the ushers to rise—sometimes all the attendants stand during this ceremony. However, there are times that they do not. It is really easier for every one to see the bride and groom during this cere­mony if the ones at the bridal table remain seated. When there is not a seated bridal table, all attendants gather around the bride and groom during this ceremony.

Musicians customarily play or sing or both during this cere­mony, "The Bride Cuts The Cake."

Some say that the bride should not cut her cake until the end of the meal; others, that she should cut it when the main course is finished. Also, when there is only champagne and wedding cake served (and possibly little sandwiches) some believe that the cake should be cut first after the receiving line is finished—even be­fore the best man's toast.

It is a nice gesture to send a piece of wedding cake (either the bride's cake or the groom's) to any friends or relatives who were not able to come to the wedding and reception.

Question 26: Should the bride and groom follow any special behav­ior code on their wedding day?

Answer: The bride should not light a cigarette or smoke one with her wedding veil on. The silk tulle might go up in flames if a spark gets near it. If the bride likes to smoke so much she feels she can­not do without it, it may be suggested that she have her veil made detachable from the headpiece she is wearing, so that she can re­move her veil for the reception.

Question 27: What does circulating among the guests mean?

Answer: At some time after the best man's toast, the first dance, the cake cutting, the finishing of the repast, the bride and groom of today circulate among the guests and take a little time to chat with different ones. They usually go together—sometimes they start out together, she gets chatty with someone who asks her to sit at their table, and then he wanders off to chat with others. He should keep his mind on her, however, and see that she does not walk around alone. It does not look well for a girl in her wedding attire to be permitted to make her own way around a crowded room.

Question 28: What is the tradition concerning the wedding guest book?

Answer: This book, with a fountain pen, might be given to the best man to have guests sign. He may stand at the end of the receiving line to catch them all right away. Or he might take it around to the tables later on. Sometimes this duty is given to the maid of honor.

Question 29: What are the traditions for throwing the bride's bou­quet? And the blue satin garter?

Answer: Just before she is ready to leave the reception to change into her going away suit or dress, the bride throws her bouquet to as­sembled bridesmaids and unmarried girls. If the bride has car­ried a prayer book, fan or some other article instead of a bouquet, she may toss the flower adorned ribbons. The orchestra usually produces a fanfare. The young girls are gathered together— ushers often standing behind them. The groom may or may not be standing with the bride, but usually is. If the going away cor­sage is incorporated within the bouquet, someone will have re­moved this for her. The bride sometimes throws her bouquet from the top of a stairway, platform, balcony—whatever picturesque spot is available. Usually she faces the girls as she tosses the bouquet. There is a custom in some localities where the bride stands with her back to the girls and tosses her bouquet over her right or her left shoulder—this is supposed to have something to do with future good luck and happiness. The meaning is differ­ent in different localities, as well as the choice of shoulder over which the bouquet is tossed. However, the one who catches the bouquet is supposed to be the next to marry. Immediately after this ceremony, the bride and groom both disappear in order to change their clothes.

In some localities there is the custom of the groom's removing the blue satin garter from the bride and then tossing it among the assembled ushers. This is thought fun by some and frowned upon by others. If she knows this is to happen, the bride slips the garter quite far down on her leg toward her ankle because the groom is traditionally supposed to lift the hem of her wedding gown and pull the garter off himself.

If someone dear to the bride is ill and cannot attend the wed­ding, she might want to save her bouquet for that person. It is thoughtful to take the bouquet to her on the way to the train, or hotel, and the gift helps to make up for this dear one's inability to see the bride in her wedding gown. If the bride and groom cannot stop with the bouquet, they can arrange to have it sent.

Often the bride plucks a few blossoms or petals from the bou­quet before she throws it, which her mother will press for her.

It is permissible for the bride deliberately to toss her bouquet into the arms of her own unmarried sister, or the groom's sister if she herself does not have one.

Question 30: How is the "takeoff" for the honeymoon managed?

Answer: The bride and groom should decide in advance how long to stay at the reception in order that the traditional events may be timed and spaced appropriately before they must leave for the honeymoon. A reception may last from about an hour to several hours (in some countries they last several days, and in others even more than a month!). There must be a plan, however, because everything depends upon when the couple leaves. Guests are not supposed to depart until the bride and groom do. Musicians can't leave until the guests do, and musicians, remember, are paid by the hour. Food and beverages must be planned for a certain number of hours; in hotels, especially, the reception should not be ex­tended beyond the time originally scheduled, the suite or room is usually engaged for a specific time. Besides, and perhaps most important, you don't want to forget what time your train, ship or plane is leaving—although you might, of course, be staying in town for the night.

After the bride has thrown her bouquet and the time to depart has arrived, the bride and groom go to their respective dressing rooms to change into going away clothes (unless they are not changing—see Special Weddings). This one time in her life, if at no other, the bride should try to change her costume quickly. Guests are lingering to see her off. The groom can't go downstairs until the bride is ready to go with him (at least he is not supposed to). When the two are ready, they should send someone to fetch the bride's and groom's parents and meet them outside their rooms in order to say goodbye privately. Then together they dash out to the waiting automobile amidst a shower of rose petals, rice or confetti, or all three.

Some believe that guests should (and do) begin to leave as soon as the bride has thrown her bouquet and left the reception to change her clothes—that not many remain to see her dash through a shower of rice and rose petals, while others maintain that guests do not have to stay until the bride leaves the reception, and advise the bride to wait until a fair number have left be­fore she leaves to change her clothes, unless she needs to catch a train or plane.

This same authority also believes that when the bride leaves the reception to change her clothes, her mother, sister, maid of honor and all her bridesmaids should go with her and remain with her until she is ready to take off. We have found that it does not usually work out this way when bridesmaids are having fun dancing. Some of them come with her, but seldom all; the maid of honor usually does, and often her mother.

When the bride and groom are ready to go, both immediate families and all the bridesmaids and ushers should collect around them upstairs. After shaking hands with the ushers and kissing the others they go down stairs, usually preceded by excited bridesmaids crying "Here they come!" Rice and rose petals have previously been given to the guests, and running through the shower, the couple takes off.

The bride and groom should call the bride's parents the same night after they have left the wedding reception to thank them for the wedding. If this is not possible, they might send a telegram the next day. They should also send a message to the groom's par­ents. Parents often feel quite lost and let-down after the couple leave.

The Home Ceremony

Question 31: What arrangement may be made for a home ceremony?

Answer: Various effective arrangements may be made, depending upon the kind of house or apartment in which the wedding will be held. The background may be a bay window, a fireplace, drapery or curtain, or a screen of flowers. An Orthodox or Conserva­tive Jewish ceremony will require a canopy for the ceremony.

Standards, ribbons, white carpet, altar candelabra and tapers, and kneeling bench are all optional; we do not suggest them for a small wedding unless they are a definite part of the ceremony. Standards should match the kneeling bench or prie-dieu. They should be placed to leave space for the wedding party at the altar. If ribbons are used, they should begin back of the spot for the par­ents to sit or stand on each side. They may begin again to enclose the space for the altar. Between the two standards on the right of the altar, the ribbons should be left off for the entrance of the clergyman, groom and best man. If ribbons are used, they may be attached by ushers after guests have assembled (as in church) or be attached by the florist's man before the guests arrive. If the latter, guests will be ushered into the area from either side. If the former, make sure the mechanics are worked out so that the ushers can lay the ribbons over the standards easily and that they will stay there. To arrange for the ushers to pull them through loops, or some contrivance, while the guests, clergyman and bride and groom are waiting for the ceremony to begin is not practical. If a white carpet is used, appoint someone to take it up immedi­ately after the ceremony, to prevent someone from stumbling over it. If a candelabra with lighted tapers is to be used for a home wedding, be sure to designate someone to light the tapers about fifteen minutes in advance of the ceremony—otherwise the tapers might be forgotten. For further details concerning an altar, kneeling bench, standards, ribbons, and carpet, see Chapter VI.

Don't forget to provide a room for the clergyman to change his vestments.

The bride's and groom's parents should really keep themselves in a room apart and out of sight while the guests are assembling before the ceremony. But they rarely do. There is some deep-seated habit, especially within a man, that causes him to appear to speak to people who enter his own home. The groom's parents are never quite sure what to do with themselves, so they usually end near the door looking for their own friends and relatives. The bride's mother, if told she is not supposed to be at the door to greet people, is usually thankful to remain out of sight at­tending to her own or her daughter's attire, or to last minute de­tails. One authority says that at a home wedding the mother of the bride should stand near the door to greet people as they arrive.

The bride's father might arrange a place, perhaps a study, or an upstairs bedroom, or a playroom in the basement, preferably with a television, for himself and the groom's parents, and stay there with them until the signal comes for them to appear. In a home wedding this is also a good provision to make for the groom and best man. However, some would put the groom's mother near the altar with other members of the family. The ushers, of course, have duties at this time.

For a formal home wedding, it may be too confusing to have the bridesmaids dress at the bride's house, or there may not be enough rooms. Try to arrange with a neighbor to have them dress at her house, unless they can dress at their own homes and meet at the bride's.

Before the ceremony begins, guests should be greeted at the door by someone (someone hired by the caterer, the house maid, or a relative or friend) and directed to coat rooms. Today women do not require an elaborate or specially appointed place to "powder their noses." They simply shed their wraps and are ready. They should be greeted by ushers at the door of the room where the ceremony is to take place, just as in church. If there are standards up and an aisle, ushers will escort and seat guests as outlined in Chapter VI on Wedding Plans. If there are no seats, they usually escort the guests to the appointed spots to stand, or they may simply indicate the left and right sides for standing.

A few minutes before the ceremony, the groom's mother and father are ushered in to the right side, front. Then the bride's mother, left side, front. Or, the mother of the bride may walk in unescorted when it is time for the ceremony to begin and take a place left front.

Ribbons are pulled and the white carpet laid, if these are being used. The clergyman, groom and best man meanwhile have taken their places to wait at the right side of the altar. If there is a door to permit their entering from the right side front, this is ideal. If not, they may enter from the center door and pass along the right wall to the front, or if this is not practical, they must walk down the aisle before the mothers are seated.

Often in a home ceremony, ushers do not participate in the processional because there is not space at the altar for them. If not, they stand in the back of the room during the ceremony. If they are to participate, they take their positions at this time. Bridesmaids, honor attendant, the bride and her father, who have been in another room, now appear and take their positions (for correct formation of the processional see Chapter VII on Rehearsal). One of the ushers signals the musicians, and the processional begins (for positions at the altar, also see Chapter VII on Rehearsal). In the ceremony at a home wedding, the be­trothal and vows almost have to take place at the same position since there is not room (nor chancel steps) to move around as at a church wedding. It is not usual to have a recessional included in a home wedding. After the clergyman has given the blessing, he usually congratulates the groom and wishes the bride well. Then, if they have previously decided that they wish to, the bride and groom kiss at the altar, and turn in place. The best man and ushers walk away. The clergyman, before walking off into the room, shakes hands with the bride's and groom's parents who have advanced toward the group at the altar. Both mothers then take their places (fathers optional), and one of the ushers indicates to the guests that the family is ready to receive. However, there are times when a recessional occurs in a home wedding and, of course, there is no reason that it should not, unless the home is so small that there is not room for a receiving line at any other spot than where the ceremony was performed. The parents will either fol­low the bridal party (bride's parents first), or wait for ushers to come after them. The receiving line may be formed in a passage­way or on a patio, according to the best plan previously formulated based on the layout of the rooms. For the formation of the line, see Chapter VII on Reception. Be sure to allow suffi­cient space for guests to move easily along through the line and see that, at the end of it, there is space for them to mingle and talk without too much congestion, unless they are to be directed immediately into another room for refreshments.

In an apartment, ushers, bridesmaids, honor attendant, bride and father assemble in the foyer or bedroom, and proceed with music down the aisle as in church.

Question 32: How does a garden wedding differ from a home cere­mony?

Answer: A garden wedding is handled in exactly the same way as any other home wedding except that an artificial background is not usually needed. Flowers are usually arranged to indicate the altar spot. Decorated standards and ribbons are often used to indicate the pathway to guests. While a white carpet is effective, it is not often used in a garden. A recessional may or may not be included as desired.

Question 33: What arrangement may be needed for a club or hotel wedding?

Answer: A club or hotel wedding has the same appointments and procedures as a home wedding. In a hotel, the decorations are likely to be more complete on Wedding Plans. (See Chapter VI.)

Double Wedding

Question 34: What arrangements are in order for a double wedding?

Answer: Naturally there must be some very special arrangements. A longer rehearsal is recommended for a double wedding. If a church has two aisles, each party may enter and leave by its own aisle. Whether brides are sisters or friends, they may or may not have their own sets of bridesmaids or honor attendants. They may act as honor attendants for each other. Grooms may act as best man for each other, may each have his own, or may have one for both. And, according to the number of guests, they may decide to use one set of ushers for both. When grooms are acting as best men for each other, each should carry his own bride's wedding ring.

After the first chords of the wedding march, the clergyman comes out followed by the two grooms and their two best men. If the brides are sisters, the older sister's groom stands next to the aisle. If not, the families decide which groom has this preced­ence. There are three ways to form the processional (there may be other possibilities—we are suggesting these three): The two sets of ushers march forward in the processional, the set belong­ing to the first groom first, and the second set immediately behind them. Following them are the bridesmaids of the first wedding with the honor attendant walking alone behind them. Then the bride of the first groom comes on her father's arm. If she is the older sister, she will be escorted by her father. After them, the bridesmaids and maid of honor and the second bride on her father's arm, unless she is the younger sister, in which event a male relative or close friend will give her away. It is possible, it the brides are sisters, for their father to escort them both, one on each arm, provided the church aisle is wide enough. If it is to be done this way, they usually have one set of bridesmaids and each have their own maid of honor—the younger sister's walking alone just behind the bridesmaids and just before the older sister's maid of honor. Or, the line-up may be as follows:

All the ushers walk first, two by two Next all the bridesmaids, two by two Next the older bride's honor attendant Next the older bride and her father

Next the younger bride's honor attendant Next the younger bride and her escort

At the altar, the bridesmaids may be divided between the left and right sides, each directly in front of an usher. Honor at­tendants may stand on the left and right (in couples) of brides and grooms, or one on each side of each couple. When there is a space problem, the maid of honor may take a position in the chancel and wait for the brides there until the betrothal part of the ceremony is over. This cannot be done when the complete ceremony occurs in one place. As the first bride meets the first groom, they move into a position at the left of the altar and the second bride and groom take a position to the right of them. The two fathers stand behind their daughters (when the brides are sisters, the father remains standing and the relative or friend who acted as escort for one sister takes a position in a pew at the left). At the correct time during the double ceremony, the father gives both brides away, then retires to his pew, or each father gives his own daughter away. During the ceremony the troth is plighted by one couple and then by the other, the vows are taken by one couple and then by the other, the blessing given to them all. Or, the ceremony may be completed for one bride be­fore it is started for the other—rather than a double ceremony.

There are three accepted ways for the recessional to be formed (possibly more—we are suggesting three): The older bride and groom, followed by the younger bride and groom, and then the honor attendants of each (the older bride's first) and then the bridesmaids and ushers in pairs—the older bride's set of at­tendants first and then the younger's set. Or the same except the two maids of honor may be paired and the two best men go out through the vestry. Or, the older bride and groom might lead the recessional, their attendants following them; then the younger bride and groom followed by theirs. The third way might be: after the older sister and her husband, followed by the younger sister and her husband lead off, the maid of honor and bridesmaids of the older bride may precede the maid of honor and bridesmaids of the younger, then followed by both sets of ushers. The two best men go out through the vestry.

Note: See charts attached.

In the receiving line for a double wedding, the four mothers and four fathers, two brides and two grooms, and two sets of bridal attendants are too many for one line. Either eliminate the fathers from the line, and the bridesmaids, leaving four mothers, two brides and two grooms, and two honor attendants, or have two different receiving lines in different parts of the room. If the brides are sisters with one set of attendants, one line will be most suitable. The elder bride and her groom precede the younger in the receiving line. The mother of the groom of the elder daughter stands next to the bride's mother (when the brides are sisters), and the younger daughter's new mother-in-law next in line.

At home, the bride's mother whose home is the scene of the reception stands first in line, and when the brides are not sisters, the other bride's mother stands next. Outside of their own home, when brides are not sisters, the mother of the older bride or the older mother (either way) stands first with the other bride's mother next to her.

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