10. The Wedding Guest

If you have received an invitation to Jane's wedding, if you are to be a guest at any wedding, you really will not behave any differently from the way you do at church, or at any nice party. Most people have learned the fundamental tenets of social behavior. However, every­one always seems to be concerned as to whether there may be some special requirements as a guest at a wedding—and there are. In the following pages we will try to list all the points every well behaved wedding guest should know!

Perhaps the greatest caution is required when you are invited to a wedding reception of people who are from another national back­ground than American. They usually have customs of their own which you could not possibly anticipate. Don't hesitate to ask the bride or groom for information. You will find them most courteous and hospi­table, and they will make you feel comfortable. So don't worry.

Question i: What invitations require an answer, and how should they be answered?

Answer: No reply is necessary to an invitation to a wedding in a church, without an invitation to a reception. However, an in­formal personal note is always correct and thoughtful—especially if a person is unable to attend. Send it to the bride, her parents or the groom or his parents. If a pew card is enclosed with your in­vitation, a reply is definitely in order so that the bride's mother may know whether the pew will be occupied.

Every reception invitation should be answered, affirmatively or negatively, as soon as possible. The reception invitation may be a smaller card enclosed with the ceremony invitation, or may be added lines of engraving at the end of the ceremony invita­tion, or may be only the invitation to the wedding (but if it is in a home, hotel or garden, this means ceremony and reception, un­less otherwise specified). An invitation to the home, hotel or garden where everyone is usually invited to the ceremony and reception reads, "... requests the pleasure of your company" instead of ". . . the honor of your presence." (See Supplement III on Invitations and Announcements.) Usually an invitation to the reception, or one that includes the reception, will have R.S.V.P., or other form of request for answer engraved on the invitation. Those to the ceremony only do not have this. How­ever, if you can see by the wording of the invitation that you have been invited to the reception, you must make a formal reply even if there is no R.S.V.P. or similar request for answer. The bride's mother depends on these replies in ordering "places" from the caterer. If she adds too many, this adds unnecessary extra ex­pense; if she does not order enough, the food and beverage will not go around. She must rely upon the answers to guide her in ordering. It is a very inconsiderate person, indeed, who does not take time to fulfill his obligation in answering the invitation to a wedding reception.

There is a form of simulated engraving used for wedding in­vitations today that often includes a little card in an envelope with a printed name and address of the bride, and the envelope even stamped. The card has spaces for the guest to fill in his name, and a place to check whether or not he will attend. Con­ventionally, a card like this is not correct for social correspond­ence. But should you receive one, that means that the family wants you to fill it in and return it at once. If this is the case, you do not write an acceptance or a regret by hand. You have already answered with the card. An invitation must be answered as for­mally or informally as it was issued. If you receive an informal in­vitation, issued by telegram, telephone, word of mouth, or hand-written note, you answer in the same manner. For examples, see Supplement I.

You may receive an invitation by telephone followed by a re­minder of date and place noted on a visiting card. The bride's mother's card is used, and the wording is most informal:

It may be answered on the guest's visiting card:

If you receive a formal, engraved invitation, you should use for your reply a good quality of white stationery—folded sheet— (not an informal note paper) and write on the first page only. The paper should not have a beveled edge, or printed flowers or other decoration of such nature. Pastel colored paper should not be used. It may have a crest or a monogram. The answer should be written in long hand, in blue or black ink. The mes­sage should be spaced and worded as formally as the invitation:

Acceptance

Mr. and Mrs. John Smythe Allison accept with pleasure the kind invitation

Of

Mr. and Mrs. Hoover James Eddison
for their daughter's wedding reception
Saturday, the tenth of June
at noon 11 Willow Lane

or

Mr. and Mrs. John Smythe Allison
accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Eddison's
kind invitation for
Saturday, the tenth of June
at noon

or

Mr. and Mrs. George Allison Saunders
accept with pleasure
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. Stickler
to the marriage of their daughter
Alice Jayne

To

Mr. John Henry Smith
on Saturday, the tenth of June
at four o'clock
Christ Church
and afterwards at
11 Dogwood Lane

or

(another wording that is now becoming old fashioned):
Mr. and Mrs. George Allison Saunders take pleasure in accepting
the invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Stickler
to be present at the marriage of their daughter etc.

or

Slightly different wording of acceptance for reception invitation:
Mr. and Mrs. George Allison Saunders
accept with pleasure
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. Stickler
(or Mr. and Mrs. Sidney Clark Stickler)
to the wedding reception of their daughter
Alice Jayne
and
Mr. John Henry Smith
on Saturday, the tenth of June
at half after four o'clock
11 Dogwood Lane

Names are always given in full—initials are never acceptable. It is considered by some to be more desirable to repeat almost word for word the complete invitation. Actually, modern usage indicates a trend to omit the names of the bride and groom and the hour. In repeating the hour, the guest comes upon the prob­lem of whether to put down the time set for the wedding cere­mony or to write the time in for a half-hour later, since it is the invitation to the reception that requires the answer, not the one to the ceremony. Either way is correct. For example: if the invita­tion to the ceremony was engraved "at four o'clock" and the reception card, "reception immediately following," the reply might be written "at four o'clock" or "at half-after four."

In declining, the guest need not repeat the time and place un­less he wishes to do so.

Regrets

Mr. and Mrs. George Allison Saunders regret that they are unable to accept Mr. and Mrs. Sidney Clark Stickler's

kind invitation

for their daughter's wedding reception Saturday, the tenth of June

or

Mr. and Mrs. George Allison Saunders
regret that they are unable to accept
Mr. and Mrs. Stickler's
kind invitation for Saturday, the tenth of June
or (with more details)
Mr. and Mrs. George Saunders
regret exceedingly that
their absence from the city
(for a previous appointment)
prevents their accepting
Mr. and Mrs. Stickler's

kind invitation for Saturday, the tenth of June

If the wife is to accept the invitation even though her husband cannot accept (or vice versa—it is permissible for one to attend a large wedding reception without the other): the wife may write her own acceptance and the husband may write his regret, and both letters be mailed in one envelope or separate envelopes. The wife may write her acceptance with his regret at the conclusion

as:
* · *
and
Mr. James Henry Smith
regrets that since he will be away
he will be unable to accept the kind invitation
 etc.

or

Mrs. James Smith accepts with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. Brown's
kind invitation for
Saturday, the tenth of June
but regrets that
Mr. Smith will be absent at that time.

If the husband is to attend and not the wife, it is written the same way except to exchange Mrs. for Mr. on the first line and Mr. for Mrs. on the next line.

Or

Mrs. James Sloan Smith
accepts with pleasure
the kind invitation of
Mr. and Mrs. Howard Ellsworth Brown
to the wedding reception of their daughter
on Saturday, the tenth of June
at noon
11 Dogwood Lane
but regrets that Mr. Smith
will be unable to attend

or

Mr. and Mrs. George Saunders regret that an unexpected business trip
of Mr. Saunders prevents their attending
the wedding on Saturday, the tenth of June

In case a formal acceptance has been mailed and you find you cannot attend after all, write a formal regret (use the form just above on this page); send a telegram; or telephone. Actually you are socially obligated to attend if you have accepted. However, if you must send a regret after you have formally accepted the invi­tation, the regret must be based on unforeseen circumstances, not another invitation you would rather accept. The only exception is when you receive an invitation for the same date to the White House after you have accepted a wedding invitation!

The envelopes for any of the above acceptances or regrets are addressed either to Mr. and Mrs. George Allison Saunders or to Mr. and Mrs. George Saunders depending on how it was engraved on the invitation.

Formal engraved invitations sent by relatives and close friends must be answered as formally as the samples shown above.

Each invitation must be answered individually. For instance, one to the mother and father of the family receives one answer and any additional invitations to a daughter or son must each have its own answer according to the pattern given.

In the case of foreign invitations to the reception, or in the case of a double wedding when names of both sets of parents appear on the invitation, the reply must be addressed to both. (See Invi­tations and Announcements.)

Question 2: Does a wedding announcement require an answer?

Answer: Announcements require no answer whatever. However, many people like to send a little note of good wishes to the bride and congratulations to the groom.

Question 3: What are the conventions concerning wedding gifts?

Answer: A wedding invitation to the ceremony only does not obli­gate the recipient to send a wedding present, nor does a wedding announcement. However, a person is certainly free to send one if he wishes.

If the recipient of an invitation to a ceremony and reception declines, he is relieved of the obligation of sending a wedding present. On the other hand, there is no reason why he may not send one if he wants to.

The acceptance of an invitation to the ceremony and reception implies a wedding gift, but there is no absolute rule on this. It is a generally understood and accepted custom.

Note: One authority believes that the receipt of the invitation to the reception obligates one to send a gift—whether he intends to accept or decline.

If gifts are sent before the ceremony, they should be addressed to the bride; if after, to the bride and groom. Even a friend of the groom who does not know the bride, addresses the gift to her if he sends it before the ceremony.

Gifts should be sent well in advance of the ceremony—but may be sent any time after. If there is delay in sending your gift  (to the extent that it arrives several weeks or months after the wedding), it is customary to enclose a note explaining what hap­pened—you were in Europe, perhaps, or you had some other reason for delay. Gifts should be selected within the means of the giver. Gifts in checks or bonds are made payable to the bride be­fore marriage, or to the bride and groom, jointly, to be cashed after marriage. Gifts of money are usually made by close relatives. Exceptions to this are gifts in cash which are sometimes taken to the bride and groom on the wedding day, or given in advance. It is the custom among some continental peoples for the bride to carry a white satin bag while she stands in the receiving line. Guests traditionally put money in the bag as they pass through the line. There is another custom among such peoples whereby the guest hands a cash gift for the bride and groom to the best man (who is waiting for this just inside the door as guests arrive). If you have been invited to a wedding among foreign people, you should check on some of these possible customs before you go to the wedding. Have a chat with the groom or the best man or one of their relatives. They will appreciate that you could not possibly know their traditions and will be happy to brief you, thus saving you no end of embarrassment on the wedding day!

Gifts are monogrammed, initialed or marked with the bride's initials or the husband's crest. However, before having a gift marked, it is suggested that you ask the bride's mother what the bride's preference is on this. Girls today are having many things monogrammed with their husband-to-be's initial included with their own. Besides it is better taste to send the gift unmarked in case the bride should happen to want to exchange it. If a gift seems to "need" marking, you may have it sent unmarked and notify the bride that you will have it marked for her afterwards, or make arrangements with the store whereby the bride can have this done.

When a gift is sent so late that it will certainly arrive after the wedding, it is sent to "Mr. and Mrs." at the couple's new address. If you do not know this address, it is sent to the bride's parents' address—directed to the bride and groom. If you send the gift to the new address, be sure that someone will be there to receive it unless it will arrive after the honeymoon is over and the couple will be there.

Wedding presents are always gift wrapped with the sender's card enclosed—a word or two of good wishes handwritten in ink at the top. Elaborate wedding gift cards are not really socially acceptable. If you do not have personal engraved cards, it is surely acceptable to write your name and your message in ink on a plain white card. And it is not too far out of line to use a little gift card that may have the store's name shown tastefully in white or gold. In signing your name, if you are a contemporary of the bride, sign "Gene and Lois Smith." If you are the age of her parents, or possibly friends of theirs or of the groom's parents, sign "Mr. and Mrs. Gene Smith" unless you are using your visiting card with your names engraved. Have your address put on the package un­less you are certain the bride is aware of it—don't make it hard for her to send that thank-you note. Gifts sent by men who are business acquaintances of the bride's or groom's father, are also sent to the bride. The donor's card should, of course, include his wife's name as well as his own.

There is no obligation whatever to send presents for second marriages, unless you did not know the bride and groom at the first marriage.

There is no obligation to send a present upon receiving a wed­ding announcement of a couple who eloped, whether or not the announcement is sponsored by the bride's parents.

The wedding guest usually wonders what to give. Appropriate gifts may be chosen from decorative or utilitarian objects for the home, either as part of furnishings, or to add to the bride's china, silver or crystal patterns. Also appropriate are accessory gifts such as lamps, pictures, chafing dishes, kitchen utensils, bar accesso­ries. In nearly every city there are gift registry services in jewelry and department stores, where the bride may list her preferences. There is a great advantage in consulting these registries—the wedding guest is fairly certain of giving something that will fit into the decor of the new home, and that the bride and groom will want what is chosen; the chance of duplications is elimi­nated; and there will be some item for every giver's budget. If there is not such a service available, check with the bride's mother on preferences. If this is not expedient, select a gift which is something generally used by anyone.

A hand-written invitation is a personal one and implies a greater obligation to send a gift.

Always send a gift to the bride who is to become a member of your immediate family.

Sometimes intimate friends of the groom send one present to the bride for manners' sake, and another to the groom for senti­mental reasons. It is possible to select a gift more suitable for him but something they will both use and send it to her—such as bar accessories, or a special record album he may favor, or masculine-looking book ends, presumably for his desk.

Traditionally, wedding gifts are considered the property of the bride. A property settlement in court in a divorce case might change this in case of something valuable given to the couple by someone connected with the groom.

People sometimes do, but should not, carry wedding gifts to the reception.

Question 4: How should the wedding guest dress?

Answer: For formal daytime weddings: men guests may wear cuta­ways or stroller coats and striped trousers or dark blue, or Ox­ford gray business suits. Boutonnieres are not worn. Women guests may wear any dressy dress or suit, hat and gloves. Shoul­ders should be covered, or a scarf or stole worn for the ceremony. Flowers are not worn.

For formal evening weddings: men guests, if related to the family, wear white tie and tails, and any other guests who wish to may also. However, it is more usual for guests to wear tuxedos. Boutonnieres are not worn. In the summer, white dinner jackets are correct. There are some formal wedding receptions where all the men guests wear white tie and tails. There are some areas where men guests never wear anything dressier than navy blue suits. Usually you can predict what kind of dress will be worn from your knowledge of the families and the society in which they move. If you are in doubt, call one family or the other and ask. The women guests may wear dinner or afternoon dresses, or cocktail dresses. Flowers are not worn. They must wear some head covering for the ceremony, and they wear gloves. A scarf or stole should be worn over bare shoulders during the ceremony.

For semiformal or informal, daytime or evening weddings: men usually wear dark blue or Oxford gray business suits. There are occasions after six o'clock when they might wear tuxedos in the winter or a white dinner jacket in the summer, according to what other guests will wear (check this with the bride's or groom's family). Summertime outside the city finds the men in white suits or light or dark sack cloth jackets and contrasting dark or light trousers. Never sports coats, of course. And boutonnieres are not worn. Women guests wear the kind of outfits they would nor­mally wear to church—a little dressier when invited to the re­ception. Hats and gloves are a "must." They are left on during the ceremony and the receiving line. Flowers are not worn. Women guests must have a head covering in most churches and usually wear one even when the ceremony is not held in church. They should also wear a stole or scarf to cover low-cut gowns during the ceremony (even for a formal evening wedding held outside of church). Women guests always wear gloves and leave them on through the receiving line, removing them only when they are ready to eat. Any color may be worn—including black for the woman who considers black the dressiest outfit she can wear. Black gloves are really not considered correct socially for a church or wedding reception. But they are sometimes seen if they are specially designed to complete a costume.

Wedding guests' attire is less elaborate than it used to be.

Children are dressed in their Sunday best or their usual party clothes.

For a very informal wedding ceremony in a private home or garden, women guests may go hatless, or may take off their hats when they arrive.

Question 5: How should the wedding guest behave during the cere­mony, receiving line and reception?

Answer: The guests should arrive at the church about twenty min­utes before the ceremony. However, for a big wedding, they may arrive three-quarters to a half-hour before. They should not be any later than fifteen to five minutes before. Guests are expected to keep their wraps with them (just as one does for any church service). Do not bring your children to the church or reception unless they have been especially invited. And then watch out for them. If they begin to fidget, do be considerate enough to take them home.

At a formal wedding where ushers are seating people (they usually are), a guest never seats himself. The usher will ask whether the guest is the friend of the bride or of the groom. This is the time to give the usher a pew card if you have received one, or just tell him your pew number. Sometimes for very large wed­dings, where the principals are well-known, cards of admission have been issued. Bring yours with you; if this is the case you will need it at the door in order to get in. Give the usher your name, if you are a close friend or relative of either bride or groom and there are no pew cards, and tell the usher you are to be seated in the families' reserved section. You will have been told in advance if you are to sit in this section. The family may expect you to tell your name and say you are to sit there, or your name may be in­cluded on a list of relatives and close friends for the families' re­served pews, called "in front of the ribbons" which the ushers will have. As you are being escorted up the aisle by an usher, you may converse with him about the wedding, the weather, the church. If you are a lady guest, the usher will offer you his right arm when he meets you at the door and you will take his arm to permit him to escort you up the aisle. If you are a gentleman guest, you will walk beside the usher. If you are accompanied by a lady, she will take his arm and you will follow them up the aisle, or, if space permits, all three of you will walk together. After you have been seated, you will act as you would at any church ceremony. Before the service begins, you may say some­thing in a low tone to your companion but you may not turn and wave or speak to people at a distance from you. Nor would you leave your seat at this time to go to speak with someone in another pew. If you are seated next to someone you do not know, it is not customary to talk with that person at this time. If you are one of the first arrivals and have got yourself an aisle seat, you do not need to move in for the next arrival, even if that person is older than you are, and even if that person indicates that he or she ex­pects you to move. You, of course, will stand and make it easy for the person to pass you.

At a home wedding, if there are no seats, you will take a place at the left if you are a friend of the bride, or the right if a friend of the groom, unless ushers are escorting guests in (often they are not). However, one of them will greet you at the door to the room where the ceremony is to occur and will indicate to you what is expected. Arrive at a home wedding ten to twenty min­utes before the ceremony starts. At a home wedding, you will have been greeted at the front door of the house by a house servant, or possibly by the bride's mother or some member of the family. And you will have been shown where to put your wraps.

At church, if you arrive after the two mothers have been seated, you will be asked to wait in the back of the church until the processional is over. Then you may be seated. If ribbons have been pulled, you will be seated by a side aisle (some say you should stand in the back during the ceremony, if you are late, or go up into the gallery). The sexton will probably tell you what to do.

When the processional begins, in most churches, everyone stands. You may turn your head to watch the bride come down the aisle on her father's arm. Protestant women should wear hats or head coverings of some sort in a Roman Catholic or Episco­pal church, or in an Orthodox synagogue in deference to the custom of that church. Similarly, Christian men should wear hats or skull caps at a Jewish wedding of Orthodox or Conserva­tive congregations. If it is the custom of the church to stand dur­ing the ceremony, to kneel or sit during it, the guest usually conforms (unless his own religious beliefs prohibit). There is no reason, for instance, why a Protestant should cross himself in a Roman Catholic ceremony. A Protestant in a Catholic church may simply sit with head bowed while others kneel, but should stand when others do. What one does must be decided by his own personal feelings in the matter.

After the recessional, if you have been standing, you will be expected to sit again and wait while the ushers escort the par­ents of the bride and groom out. Whether there are ribbons or not, a guest should never leave the church until the parents and their relatives and friends in the first pews have gone out (the guest should not sneak out by a side aisle). After that, and after the ribbons—if any—have been removed, guests may exit by center or side aisles.

Guests go unhurriedly to the place of the reception, but within a reasonable length of time. They should give the family a chance to have candid pictures of the receiving line, but they should not delay so long that they hold up the members of the family in the line overlong. (Every guest invited to the wedding reception is expected to go through the receiving line.)

You are expected to provide your own transportation to the church and from the church to the reception—by automobile, taxi, or by walking if the distance is not too great and the weather permits. If you see any acquaintances, you might ask for a ride over with them—this is customary at wedding gatherings. Unless you are a most distinguished or close friend of the bride's or groom's family you will look after your own transportation; if you are such a person, transportation will be provided for you and you will have been notified. Or, if you are arriving by train from out of town, the bride's family may have indicated that there will be transportation provided from the train to the cere­mony, and on to the reception.

Guests leave their wraps as indicated at the reception and ful­fill their first obligation—that of going through the receiving line. They may accept a beverage, if offered, while waiting in line (usually it is not offered until afterwards). If they are hold­ing a glass of champagne, they should put it down before shaking hands with the people receiving. Guests should not go to the dining room or bar looking for refreshment or repast before greeting the bride's mother and the others in the receiving line.

During the receiving line: if there is an announcer, give him your name with your title, as "Miss Genevieve Jones." After you are introduced to the bride's mother by the announcer, she will offer you her hand and say, "How do you do" if she is meeting you for the first time. You reply, "How do you do." If you are known to her, wait until she speaks and simply reply to what she has said, or say "A beautiful wedding" or "The bride looks lovely." If you are an intimate friend, no one needs to tell you what to say, only don't talk too long—make what you say brief. The same pattern should be followed for the others as you are introduced down the line. To the groom you offer "Congratulations" and to the bride, "Best Wishes." Never congratulate the bride! Do not cause guests behind you to wait while you go into a lengthy discussion. A man and wife and any children of theirs go through the line one after the other with the woman leading. If there is no announcer, be sure to give your name to the bride's mother, unless, of course, you are already known to her, otherwise do so, remembering that she is possibly more flustered than she has ever been in her life, and names fly out of mind at such times. Older people, rela­tives and friends who know the groom well enough to call him by his first name, naturally call the bride by hers. Younger people do not, when first introduced, even though they know the groom well enough to call him by his first name. When the groom introduces his wife, you should say warmly, "How do you do, Mrs. Johns." Then if the groom says, "Carol to you!" by all means call her Carol from then on. Men guests do not assume that a bride is supposed to be kissed—and do not ask if you may unless you are such a close friend or relative that she would expect it. Male friends of the groom should be very careful about this. They may think it is all in very good humor, and part of a wedding— but the groom may be offended. Besides, it is not especially good taste. Another authority says that it is customary for relatives and friends to kiss both the bride and groom. There again, it depends on the traditions of the people involved.

Some authorities say that if your name gets lost in the crowd and the members of the wedding party in the receiving line are unable to keep up with introducing you, you should give your name again. Others say only to do this to the bride or groom whom you may not know, when one or the other who does know you is preoccupied with another guest. If you are stalled in front of someone, probably you would do this. Otherwise, you might just smile and keep on moving. If there are several bridesmaids and you do not know any of them, it does not seem essential that you give each your name and that they each give you their names. You might simply nod at any you recognize and move on past the others.

If waiters are not serving beverages and you see champagne and punch at opposite ends of the buffet table with glasses or punch cups, you may go over and serve yourself (or if your husband is along he should bring it to you). If you are ready for more, you may go after it, or if waiters are carrying champagne around on trays, you may signify that you would like another glass. It is customary, however, to reserve any considerable amount of alcoholic drinking for a private party afterwards. A wedding re­ception is not the place to get too gay and make a nuisance of yourself and expect others to be tolerant. On the other hand, non-alcoholic drinkers are expected to hold a glass of beverage in their hands with everyone else when it comes time for toasts. Usually non-alcoholic beverage is served as well as alcoholic— if not, it may be suggested that you hold the alcoholic beverage and act as if you are taking a sip in honor of the bride and groom, even if you do not taste it. Usually everyone stands and raises his glass for the toast. Sometimes not. You may be guided by the others around you.

Men guests may ask the bride to dance at any time after she has danced with the groom, both fathers, the best man and each of the ushers—provided she does not seem too tired* Guests must not begin dancing until the bride and groom have danced and the traditional dances are over.

Often guests will be offered a glass of champagne or other beverage as soon as they leave the receiving line. They may begin sipping on this at once, mingling with other guests for awhile, then find a seat at any of the tables (except the bridal or parents' tables) unless a sit-down meal is being served, with place cards. In this event there will be a small table at the entrance to the dining room with small cards and an attendant. The guests give their names to the attendant who hands them a card with their name and table number. Numbers will be on each of the tables. After the guest has located his table by number, he will find a place card with his name and that is where he sits. He may be seated at once. He does not have to wait for all the guests at his table to arrive. Gentlemen guests will stand when other guests arrive at the table, and will introduce themselves and their wives if necessary. For a sit-down meal with place cards, food will prob­ably not be served until all guests have arrived at the one table. And they will all begin to eat together. Check with some member of the family or a close friend in advance if you have any reason to believe there might be a grace before eating. If so, you must wait for this before you lift a fork. If the first course happens to be fruit cocktail, for instance, and is already served when you are seated, do not dip into it until your table is complete (or grace if there is to be one, has been said), unless most of the other guests appear to have been seated and are eating. If it is not a sit-down meal with place cards, a guest may begin eating as soon as he is seated and served. If you, or you and a companion, do not know people at a reception, try to be seated at an empty table. You will thus be saved the risk of intruding in a group where everyone knows everyone else except you. If there is a buffet table and guests are to serve themselves, this will be indicated to you so that you will know to go there and take a plate, silver and napkin, and serve yourself.

At some formal dinners, cocktails and hors d'oeuvres are served first, and then dinner. You will be reminded, by an usher, waiter, or the banquet manager, when to go in to dinner. You take your own wife in to dinner at a wedding reception.

There are some people who are accustomed to placing a bottle of whiskey in the center of the table at a sit-down meal—either a late wedding breakfast or an evening dinner. Waiters bring glasses, ice cubes, soda and ginger ale. Guests are supposed to serve themselves from the whiskey bottle and add ice and mixer. This is not a custom of accepted social usage, but is seen fre­quently among those who are not too concerned with the tradi­tional conventions of social life.

If gifts are on display, you should make a special effort to see them.

You may introduce yourself to or speak to anyone you see at the reception whom you would like to know. You do not have to wait for someone to introduce you around. (The only excep­tion is that a young girl seldom speaks first to a young man.) A young girl approaching an older person or a girl her own age gives her name without calling herself "Miss" so and so; simply, "I am Mary Jones."

When the bride throws her bouquet, make no attempt to be included in the group catching it—this group is to be comprised of the bridesmaids only, and possibly unmarried girls among the guests. If the latter are to be included, this will be announced probably by the head musician or the banquet manager.

It is thoughtful and pleasant for relatives or friends of the bride's family to plan a little dinner or get-together for the bride's and groom's parents after the wedding reception. There may be quite a let-down for them when the young couple leaves.

Take a box or bag of groom's cake when offered, but do not take several without asking if you may. There may not be enough to go around if you do this.

It is customary for guests to stay until after the bride has thrown her bouquet and left with the groom. After that, guests should leave unless they have been asked to join the family for a little supper or other later festivity. Before leaving, speak to the host and hostess and mention how much you have enjoyed being there. If you have to leave early, it is better not to call attention to the fact that you are going, except for a brief word to anyone with whom you may be conversing. If the guest is a total stranger to everyone, he may leave shortly after going through the receiv­ing line.

You are not expected to write a thank-you note following a wedding reception or send flowers or any gift. Most people tele­phone to chat about the wedding sometime after—or, if they live out of town, they may write a note to the bride's mother or any­one who acted as hostess in her place.

Note: There are some variations concerning the ceremony and re­ceiving line: for some Jewish ceremonies, the guests assemble in an anteroom for greetings and conversation before the ceremony. When time for the ceremony comes, the relatives and special friends are ushered in to the reserved sections and ribboned off. After that, guests are ushered in.

Sometimes, if there is to be no reception, or if the reception is a small, intimate one for immediate families and very close friends, the bride and groom and their families receive in the back of the church, immediately following the ceremony. When this happens, guests go through the receiving line just as if it were at the reception. Then, they usually gather on the church steps or grounds just outside the front doors, and wait to shower the bride and groom with rice, rose petals, confetti or Jordan almonds as they go through to their automobile.

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